(frustration)

ah. mah. gah. 156.6? really?? why, body, why?

i ate right. i drank my waters. i walked. i lifted. i started cleaning up the mess i made last week (this doesn't aid my weight loss in any way but i feel like it should). the only think i can think of is... i've been low on fiber. really low. and, well, you know how that goes.

today's food is:

• a clif zbar (choco-chip) because i'm out of real breakfast food
• a kiwi
• an extra small banana
• a cup of tortellini salad
• 15 grape tomatoes
• 15 baby carrots
• grilled chicken
• snow peas
• 1/2 cup sliced peaches
  
• 1/2 cup edy's slow-churned is under consideration
• and the workout is... SPINNING

i intend to eat my kiwi skin, too, because even though i can't figure out how MUCH fiber it has to count in my daily totals, i know it has SOME.

i feel... crummy. i want to see my weight keep going down! i want to see the 140s this summer and the 130s by fall. i want... i want to be done.

huh

despite near-perfect efforts yesterday, complete with pushing water and walking, i gained. GAINED. so, there it is. i gained 1.4 pounds when i was supposed to lose 1.8 and now i have 5 pounds to lose in 1 week to stay on track.

i'm still choosing to believe it's not real because, hey, it probably isn't. so, maybe i WILL deflate as much as i want to.

nutrition, calories, water. weights, walk.

i need a weekend from my weekend

look, i'm going to weigh in tomorrow, because i assume that some of the fourish pounds i've gained since thursday (two by friday, a s-t-s and then two more yesterday) are going to go away.

for the record i did alright at party #1. i was running around ALL DAY so even though i ate a few chips, some crepes suzette and an extra glass of pineapple-banana punch and a few nibbles more of the cake than was strictly speaking planned for (how do you resist joining in when a five year old is going at the cake with a plastic fork at 9pm??), i feel fine about it. especially since i didn't have a jump on the scale.

yesterday, though? i think i drank a gallon of margaritas. and two beers. some tortellini salad. 3 or 4 soft pretzel sticks, faux cheese dip, 2 giant cookie, and a partridge in a pear tree. not good. not the plan. but? i managed to be SUPER nice to my sister, her partner AND my bitchy aunt. the booze helped with that.

today is back to normal (with the minor exception of... i don't think there are any fruits and veggies in my house or my lunch) complete with an extra-long walk. 153.8, please, universe.

so sleepy

last night, instead of going to the bar to see my husband's band play their first open mic since they got the singer singing lessons (oh, yes, really), i stayed home and baked 4 batches of cake (3 half-sheets and a pair of 8" rounds), then assembled the three tiers of the birthday cake i'm making (chocolate cake with vanilla filling, banana cake with chocolate filling, vanilla cake with banana filling) and crumb-coated them. and a made the purple & yellow glazes for my youngest brother's high school graduation party cookies.

i got home at 7:45 and baked/colored/flavored/prepared/frosted until 12:30. i am SO UNGODLY SLEEPY.

i'm also up to 155.8. ouch. maybe i shoulda kept my fingers out of the cake batter? and the chocolate frosting? and the decorator frosting? and... and... and...

153.8. two pounds. weekend from hell coming up. my plan? alas, it it to NOT DRINK.

tomorrow, i'll chug-a-lug water & seltzer until party time, and, in fact, for a few hours into the party. i'll have one cup of punch and a burger at the party. maybe some of the cake.

sunday... i'll be water-loading again, well into the party, where i'll nosh on roasted veggies and a little tortellini salad. and one of my mom's chocolate-almond refrigerator cookies. and a margarita.

as for tonight...

i need to leave work at 3 (summer hours!) go to BloodBath & Beyond for a couple of beverage dispensers, hit a grocery store for 9 liters of pineapple soda, a jar of tropical punch kool-aid, a couple cans of tropical fruit and... oh, gosh, shortbread cookies, rolos, green twizzlers, some ball-shaped brown candy... crap. and michaels for a bit more decorator frosting. holy shit. and then i have to work my ass off and finish these confections.

i've already consumed 20 ounces of coffee.

losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.

...

154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.

less

today i weight LESS than i did when i was at my lowest weight in college. less, probably, than i ever did in high school. i might have weighed this little in... 8th grade? or 7th? maybe younger.

goal for monday is 153.8, and i have only to lose ONE POUND to get there.

bloggies, i am less than 10 pounds away from my "healthy" weight range and my july 12th goal. i am less than 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal-- the weight that just seems so low i can't imagine ever actually weighing it. i'm going to be there in september.

i can't stress enough how much i believe that consistent exercise is the reason for this. i've been working out regularly for about 5 months now-- undoubtedly the longest stretch i've gone in... ever. i've been doing AT LEAST one really, really hard workout a week (up to 3 the weeks i was training with bk AND taking spinning) and probably 5 or 6 workouts total, even if they were mostly half hour walks around the neighborhood. and, yes, having my partner be my PARTNER in this is just, wow, it's huge.

this week, i've made a couple new rules for myself:

1. ice cream OR beer- we've been blessed with an abundance of good, free beer, and friends, we are beer people. we've also discovered the joy of edy's slow churned light ice cream (on sale or i never would have bought it). and as much as i could excuse having a serving of ice cream and a beer because they fit in my calories? i shouldn't. i should not be getting two or more treats every day. some days, sure. but every day? most? no.
   
2. weight training on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays- since bk has been working at two gyms, taking arborist certification classes and, now, getting a job as an arborist, he doesn't have time to train his big sister for a measly $10 an hour. fortunately, his big sister foresaw this happening eventually and bought herself some heavy weights. unfortunately, without the need to coordinate with him, she's let her weight training slip to once a week or less. so, i didn't do it yesterday because of time constraints, but going forward, i'll do my weights on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays (when i don't have dr. y).

i think that these are two rules that i can follow long term. like... forever. my other goals for this week are to get at least 30 minutes of cardio a day, hit my calorie and nutritional targets and be very mindful at the parties this weekend.

153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8...

missed the mark

155.6. so close. i could have done it. i could have laid off the chocolate chips. or avoided the cake batter. made my new "ice cream OR beer" rule before... today.

155.6. and, ya know what? it's AWESOME. i'm really pleased. i thought for sure that my size 31p (that's 12p) jeans would not fit right out of the dryer today, but they did.

155.6 and i've lost *over* eighty pounds. 20.5 to go!

my husband broke 35 pounds yesterday. it's been 6.5 weeks? i think? "oh, that i were a man," (ten points to the person who gets this) "i would EAT HIS HEART IN THE MARKETPLACE!" i just wish i had a metabolism like that. damn. he looks great. lots of clothes fit again and he's full of energy. he works out every. day. no kidding. he's getting all muscled and stuff, too.

anyway, back to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

so, we've booked our trip in september to visit mil, sfil, sbil & hbil. and goal for that trip is, well, GOAL. conveniently, you know what stretches neatly between now and then (september 8)? the summer. we're going to florida the weekend after labor day. but before THAT, we're hoping desperately to take a little trip somewhere sunny and slow and flowing with booze and saltwater pools. that's scheduled for july 12th. well, not SCHEDULED in the strictest sense. it's planned, but it's going to be a very last-minute deal. we'll book it based on what we can afford a week before when i get a bonus.

sooooooooo...

yeah.

for the next six weeks (including this weekend's party double-header!) i need to lose 1.75 pounds a week to hit the top of my range (145) by the imaginary vacation. after that, including the vacation week, i'll need to lose 1.25 pounds a week to meet my final goal by labor day.

goal for next monday: 153.8.

wow. i'm gonna do it.