xanax and inhibitions

yesterday i had my second colposcopy, the first one was last year after my pap came back abnormal and positive for hpv. after a leep, there are two courses of treatment/monitoring. normally, they bring you in for semi-annual paps until you get it right 3 times. if you're a crazy person who has to be high as a kite to even CONSIDER getting a pap, they might let you stay annual and get an hpv test. guess which one i am??

so, this year i had no dysplasia, but still tested postitive for hpv, which makes my case chronic or persistent. theoretically, the leep is supposed to alert your body that there's an infection and your body should come fight it off. (it also removes those pesky gonna-be-cancer cells.) mine... did not. i mean, there's no obvious precancerousness, but there's still the virus. (and i've been vaccinated, so it's not possible that i was reinfected by my husband who almost certain has it because, well, we've been together 6 years this weekend.)

now i get to go in semiannually for a pap with an hpv test. lucky me, right? and get an annual colpo as long as i'm coming pack positive for hpv. de-fucking-lightful.

anyway... for the test, and any pelvic exam, i prefer to be high as a goddamn kite. i had a couple rough doctors, a couple weird experience and, oh, yeah, i HATE HATE HATE HATE being touched by anyone other than a select few, and touched THERE by anyone but a select one. it's kind of a thing. so my lovely obgyn prescribes me four .5mg per appointment and i take them at 45 minute intervals until i fell like, yeah, i could probably handle a speculum. and having some cells removed from my cervix with what i can only describe as a pointy bottle brush. (it takes all four. ALWAYS.) but 1mg in i decided to go get a cupcake.

i did fine, of course. it helped that there was no needle biopsy needed this time. my husband drove me, which was very good. he took me to sbux for my usual post-medical/dental 1 p+ light iced coffee. i asked to split an apple fritter. we did (6p+ EACH). then i went home to sleep. (3:30ish) at 6 he woke me up for pizza and i at THREE pieces (17p+ omfg). (welllllll, it was a small, but 2 is mu usual.) and then i went back to sleep. when i woke up at 11, i wanted a "tiny ice cream" as we call the variety of snack-sized trader joe's frozen treats we keep. i had three (5 p+).

clearly, i cannot be trusted with food after 2mg of xanax. CLEARLY.

back on track, though. no exercise today because i have a 5k tomorrow night. it will be 89*. help me.

down periscope

i need a colposcopy. again. my cervix is not trustworthy. i was trying to describe the procedure to a friend but the "microscope" part was throwing her off. it's more like a periscope. you assume The Position and the doctor spends 5-10 minutes looking over your cervix with a periscope.

i am exhausted. i don't want drama and problems. i want a routine appointment to be ROUTINE. i hate working this job, going to school and taking care of the house. i hate knowing that i'll have to do all that next year while my husband goes to school full time. i hate how he questions if it's wise to try to do "all that" in a year. (all that = 3 terms overloading at 4 classes.) while i do half of that AND work and volunteer and keep house. i hate the sinking feeling that i'll need to stay in a job i hate, working to support us instead of staying home with kids for a couple years. instead of having kids, maybe. i hate knowing that every unlikely part of this adventure has happened: abnormal pap is unlikely to need a biopsy; biopsy is unlikely to need a leep; leep cures 90% of patients... and then comes the small percentage who pass the virus on during birth. well, shit. i guess my uterus is closed for business unless i get three clear tests in the next year and a half.

.................

it's june. goals:

• pack workday lunches
• eat workday breakfasts at home
• plan weekly dinners
• run 5k#2
• run 2-3 times a week
• start swimming lessons
• get a massage
• record my p+
  

it's working!

first, a halfway-point goal check-in:

• i will prepare my own breakfasts AND lunches all 17 workdays this month (i work full-time hours in 4 days a week) mission accomplished so far!
  
• i will workout at least 4x a week this month only managed 3 last week (but 5 the week before!) because of a strained hip flexor.
  
• i will sign up for and complete my first 5k race this month signed up, almost done training!
  
• i will sign up for my second 5k race (july 14) this month, and set a time goal and speed-work schedule have not done this, but i plan to sign up for a whole series.
  
• i will schedule my annual massage for early next month my fave therapist went back to college and was replaced with an older man who doesn't do the nice, relaxing stuff, so i'm looking for a new one.
  
• i will track my points+ and activity all month, every day, even special events doin' it! even managed to track a bridal shower yesterday!
  

so. this week i prepared my own breakfasts & lunches on workdays. i also stuck to my daily and same-day earned activity points+, and didn't dip into my weekly flex p+ at all! i also didn't weigh myself daily (though, i did hop on yesterday morning for an advance peek) so i didn't cheat based on how i was doing.

verdict: IT WORKED! i lost 1.8 pounds this week for an official weight of 153.8! but... when i peeked on sunday (before cake at the shower and pizza at home) i was at 152.2!! this week i'm planning to keep packing meals, workout m-th-f-s-s. and not weighing myself again until... let's face it, sunday, before my grandma's birthday party. (though i will be on a scale tomorrow around 1.30 at my yearly cervical scrape. which, yeah, after last year's experience, i'm a bit stressed about.)

AND. i will post two photo updates this week: one of my arm flap and one of my all dolled up (and faced?) for the party on sunday.

good morning campers!

so. okay. where the fuck are we??

let's start with me, and then you can feel free to chime in. but you probably won't. 24 followers and many hits a day, but nobody says a damn thing. anyway. me.

• tmi, but, oh, so true. i am bleeding slightly worse than a normal period. but... i don't have my period yet. as far as i know. i'm in a lot of pain, too. this sucks monkey balls.
• tmi some more: i'm constipated because, um, moving, you know, THEM, puts painful pressure on the general region that's bleeding. yes, even if i take something to help.
• that's the last tmi.
  
• i haven't heard the all-clear from my doctor yet. today is a week. this means... it's still remotely possible that i have cancer.
  
• my husband is on a (medically aided) (as in, with medicine) diet and has lost 14 pounds in 6 days. FOURTEEN. can everybody spell jealous? at this rate, which, i expect, will slow down, but STILL, if it doesn't, he will reach his goal weight in about 35 days. motherfucker.
  
• him being on a diet means WE'RE not snacking at night, except for the 1/3 of a cup of ice cream we each have. you read that right: less than a serving. LESS.
• which is awesome for me because i might actually be down to 160 by next weigh in.
• oh, yeah, totally not gonna be 140 for The Wedding, new goal: 155.
• that's 1.25 pounds a week.
  
• doable. even if i can't workout as hard.
  
• also means no way am i going to be 135 in july when i *hope* we'll be going on a fabulous, all-inclusive caribbean vacation. new goal: 145.
• that's 1.5ish pounds a week.
• doable, if i work out.
• new timeline for 135 (or end, in any event): mid-september when we go to mil's for a last pre-grad school hurrah.
• that's about another 1.25 pounds per week.
• OKAY. and. i did my fafsa. (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay)
• that's about it.

what's new with you?


(ps-- of course i'm all kinds of anxious for no good reason today. that's always why i do bullet posts.)

um, oops.

so, at my husband's insistence yesterday i called my gyn to see when i could exercise again.

a week.

oh... so... not three days?

w2, wo1... only three (four?) weeks later

i dragged my ass out to the track last night to do week 2, workout 1 of couch to 5k. i don't think i've ever gotten to week 2 before. so, ya know, yay. it was fine. it was easy enough (except all that math) and i got through it. maybe it wasn't the BEST plan given the surgery i had five days ago, but the bleeding had to start sometime, right? RIGHT??

(i'm kidding, of course. the bleeding WAS expected to start any moment. the cramping... well, that i would have preferred to be done with, but it's all inside the expected parameters.)

so. i guess i mentioned here that i'd been smoking? a lotish? i stopped. on friday. i also stopped letting diet soda be a regular part of my life. and i stopped using the "clinical strength" deodorant i'd been using. see a pattern?

dude. i've had two cancer scares in six months. i'm only 26. i'm trying to stop tearing down my body and treat it with a little love.

LEEP

well... that was easy.

here's how it went down. i freaked the fuck out, like, BAD, for about 24 hours. arrived at the surgicenter at 7:45am, freaking the fuck out BAD BAD. got asked about allergies. none. i got taken back, asked about allergies some more. still none. gave a urine sample. that was tough, given i'd already peed and not been able to drink anything, but i managed. told the anestesiologist would be in shortly and to put on the paper gown. he shows up, asks me about allergies. none. i... start crying. my husband gives me tissues, my doctor arrives and wipes my tears. i am not joking. she is that awesome. the anesthesiologist does my iv (my phlebotomist friend says that's why i have a bruise. fuckin, doctors, man. think they can do anything.) and then my doctor says, "here comes the good stuff."

ten seconds later i feel fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. i'm told i repeatedly asked what the street name of that shit was. i don't think that's true. i only remember asking twice.

i got wheeled into the or. i thought, hm, this should be making me freak the motherfuck out. weird. i climb onto the table and scooch until my butt is over the hole...

and then the nurses were talking about shin splints, so i opened my eyes and said, "for shin splints you have to lay a bathtowel on the bathroom floor in front of you, stand on the end and scrunch the towel under your feet with your toes. do it every day for a couple weeks until they feel better then do it a couple times a week. it's about you calves, not your shins."

and they said, "oh, becklette has a cure for shin splints. here, honey, we're just going to put your panties on to hold the pad in place."

then they moved me to a chair, gave me diet coke and peanut butter crackers and brought in my husband.

fin.

still a little wigged out by the time-loss/alien abduction aspect of it all, but, wow. that was easy.

this time tomorrow

this time tomorrow, i'll be unconscious on a table, naked save a paper gown, with strangers wrangling my feet into stirrups so my doctor can use and electrified wire to cut out a chunk of my cervix.

oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

fuck.

and on the third day i had an omelet

leek soup didn't go quite as planned. of course.

i made & ate it friday night after not eating much in preparation for a deep-tissue massage (not something i want to do on a full stomach). i ate/drank it saturday up until dinner with my uncle. hoagies. and chips. and a piece of shortbread. and two truffles. oops. sunday i had coffee in the morning before going to feed my friends' cats. my plan was to feed the kitties, drink my coffee while watching s4, e5-8 of dexter on demand at their house (with their permission, of course), go home & leek soup, clean, leek soup again and then head back to feed/dexter again. instead? i sat on my butt for seven solid episodes. with a cat on my lap. drinking diet coke.

oh well. i got a lot of my cleaning done when i got home. i ate a broccoli omelet for dinner: 2 eggs, 2 whites, 1 cup chopped broccoli, butter. it was delicious and SORT OF like the fast-breaking meal of lean protein & veg prescribed in the plan. the thing is? i have a ton of leeks & "broth" (leek water) left. i hope my husband likes vichyssoise.

verdict? well... i dunno. i didn't DO IT do it, so i don't want to judge, but it was pretty easy. and, honestly, i *did* drop a couple pounds but leeks are a diuretic, so who knows.

how many pounds? ah, well. it depends on who you ask. according to my home scale, i weigh 161.4 today which is fucking awesome.

according to the scale at the hospital where i just had my pre-admission testing? 158.9. which? oh. em. eff. gee. the one fifties.

of course, reason dictates that i use my home-scale weight for official documentation, but DAMN. 158.9. in jeans, shoes and a sweater. damn.

damn.

trending

i think it's clear to see from the list over there (>>>>>>) that my weight continues to trend downward. not necessarily at the pace i'd prefer, but what are you going to do, right? especially when you're eating leftover green bean casserole 2 meals a day.

my leep is scheduled for next thursday. this morning i dropped my husband off at the airport to visit his family. tonight i have a shopping trip planned. tomorrow: work and a massage! i'm leek souping this weekend, but my uncles will be in town so... it might be more like 3 days but only half-assed. and i'm cat-sitting.

there will be a 5-week spinning class after this one ends (in. two. weeks.) and we're definitely going to take it. LOVE spinning. i'm looking forward to moving into the city so i can take spinning at BNGS's gym five days a week. JUST KIDDING. maybe 2 or 3. can't drop the ball on weight lifting, ya know, or running. oh, wait... where is that running ball?

anyway. still alive. still pretty freaked, though the leep ain't no thing... according to my grandmother who had it almost 50 years ago (before it was LEEP when it was still called a "coning") and my mom who claims that "everyone who's anyone has had that." sometimes i feel like my mom maybe could have provided me with a little more information about lady-business growing up. which is why MY hypothetical daughters will know these things:

1. two methods is better than one
2. he might be carrying something you don't know about (see: mono & hpv)
3. kick, scream, scratch, bite, WHATEVER, if you don't want something to happen to you-- be DONE to you-- fight like hell
4. preventative care is important (2 cancer scares and 4 fillings later i have the message)

::end soapboxing::

also, end blogging. it's too goddamn early.


oh, ps-- i hadn't seen my husband's grandfather since christmas and HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. score.

the leap to LEEP (or: precancerous. some more.)

whoa. WHOA. holy fucknutballs. there are not words bad enough for how i feel. i'm scared out of my ever-lovin' mind, for one.

my cervix is precancerous-- "moderate dysplasia"-- and i have to have surgical treatment. either LEEP or conization, i guess? i was... distracted, to say the least, when she told me. but i go in next tuesday to discuss.

you guys. fuck. i've never had surgery before.

thus far, i haven't talked to my family about this stuff. my husband, of course, and three friends, but i need my family. i need you all. i need all the support i can get. so, let's start with you.

friends, bloggers, interwebs, leave me a comment. tell me one or more of the following things:

1. what is general anesthesia like? i can only imagine that movie where the guy was conscious but paralyzed and jessica alba was trying to kill him. that movie sucked monkey balls.
   
2. do you think i'm going to have to have a catheter? i'm mortally afraid of catheters. do they insert/remove them when you're out?
3. how can i phrase this news to my family to make it clear that any questions that are not helpful (do you have hpv?* where did you get it from, you skanky ho?** don't you realize you brought this on yourself?***) will cause me to cut you out of my life without being a total bitch?
4. since my last pre-cancerous event has been dubbed "clark" (because it was a clark's nevus), what shall we name my abnormal lady business? lois? lewis? merrell? gimme something good!
   

and, listen, if you know some nice interweb people... i will accept their kind words, positive thoughts and inappropriately humorous comments. i feel creepy just saying that, but i really need support!




*yes. just found out! that sucker's SNEAKY.
**good question. probably from all the skanky ho'ing i did in college.****
***fuck off.

****or from one of the long-term monogamous relationships i was in.