rice & beans

if i took one thing away from my vacation in puerto rico it's that a frozen rum beverage followed by a nap is the. best. afternoon. ever. if i took TWO things, the other is the rice & beans = win. so i'm on a mission to get this magical combo of unspectacular foods into our life. to that end, i bought (among other ingredients) a package of instant ortega black beans & rice.

ummm, and today i'm puffed up like a thanksgiving parade float. ortega rice & beans? not my friend.

so, i actually weighed in at 155.0 this morning, which made me really not want to go to the track. but i was up and feeling like a cow so i did.

i jogged 1/2 a mile in a row again and then walked another quarter before heading home. total time working out: 30 minutes. friday's workout plan is to job the half, walk a quarter and then jog another quarter. (my jogging pace? is approximately a 14 minute mile. i'm pretty pleased with that.)

so i weighed myself post-jog and more naked to a pretty reasonable 153.4. i did not pack the rice & beans for lunch. instead i pulled together some fruit and nonfat greek yogurt. mmmmm. yogurt. the rest of the week needs to be awesomely clean because we have a weekend family reunion/drunkfest this weekend and we both REALLY need to get some motivation on the scale friday morning.

so.

i'm not feeling great about the scale, but i DO feel great about jogging. i'm going to break 150 this week. i'm pretty sure.

i didn't earn this

i went to bed early last night so i could get up early and hit the track. i did that thing where i made sure i was thinking about waking up at 5:30 while i fell asleep. at 5:15 i woke up, and then i fell back asleep and had this incredibly vivid dream that i (not we) adopted a newborn. i woke up a LEETLE stressed... at 6:15.

balls.

i overate last night, too. not a ton, two or three hundred calories of sweets and tortilla chips. my husband went out. i wonder if that's boredom eating, lonesome eating or sneak eating?

and today i'm down to 152.2. if i hit 152.0 tomorrow, i'm going to adjust to 151.6 for monday so i don't look at the weekend as a freebie.

TODAY:

• actually stay in my calorie range
• drink a boatload of water
• that's it cause i have plans tonight and a very early morning

whoops

and... then i didn't walk last night OR jog this morning.

TODAY:

1. don't eat beyond plan
2. drink loads of water
3. walk
4. sit-ups and push-ups
5. get to bed early for a morning workout!

today's weight, btw? 152.8. ABUH? whatever. my goal for this week is 152.6. that's my goal. and i have 6 days to get there.

steady

last night was not ideal in a lot of ways, and i'm up .2 pounds today. no big. except, now it's thursday and i'm trying to lose like 1.5 pounds by monday?

today, despite a long-planned pizza dinner, is back-on-track day with careful eating, exercise and water drinking. and going out to buy ice cream cause it's the last night of the 2 for $5 edy's slow-churned sale!

so... i haven't mapped out my foods and such but i'm going to do that now and hope that in my mild hang-over this morning, i planned a somewhat balanced diet.

not gonna make it

when i leave for vacation in three weeks, i hope to weigh 150.0 of less. 145.0 is... no longer viable. so. yeah. 154.6. that's... ugly.

okay, so, regroup. for next week: 153.0. that's... ugh. that's higher than i've been lately, but i'm not willing to assume it will magically go away. whatever.

today is fruit-heavy with fresh, organic raspberries from my daddy's garden (about a pint of them... at least), an apple and a kiwifruit. i'm having a giant salad with "mexican cheese blend," light sour cream and salsa for lunch. dinner is going to be a fritatta with green peppers and onions. mmmmm. i'll do a full weight circuit and a walk with my husband. and drink a ton of water.

and tomorrow will be better.

(frustration)

ah. mah. gah. 156.6? really?? why, body, why?

i ate right. i drank my waters. i walked. i lifted. i started cleaning up the mess i made last week (this doesn't aid my weight loss in any way but i feel like it should). the only think i can think of is... i've been low on fiber. really low. and, well, you know how that goes.

today's food is:

• a clif zbar (choco-chip) because i'm out of real breakfast food
• a kiwi
• an extra small banana
• a cup of tortellini salad
• 15 grape tomatoes
• 15 baby carrots
• grilled chicken
• snow peas
• 1/2 cup sliced peaches
  
• 1/2 cup edy's slow-churned is under consideration
• and the workout is... SPINNING

i intend to eat my kiwi skin, too, because even though i can't figure out how MUCH fiber it has to count in my daily totals, i know it has SOME.

i feel... crummy. i want to see my weight keep going down! i want to see the 140s this summer and the 130s by fall. i want... i want to be done.

impatience

i am not a patient person. waiting is... not really my thing.

i am smoking. a genius plan from someone awaiting a test to see if she has cancer, no?

i am eating things i, frankly, probably shouldn't (haagen-dazs single serving cups were on sale).

last night a zonked out at 8pm rather than, i dunno, live my life as planned?

...

patience.

today is a better day. because i say so.

today i am going to stick to my calories (and my guns). i am going to drink my seltzer to rehydrate (when i'm dehydrated i can't stand water) and then drink my waters to stay hydrated. i'm going to bk and walking home. i'm not going to go way over my fats like i have been (see: haagen-dazs). i'm going to do both of my natural anti-depressants and have a glass of wine.

i'm not going to obsess.

birthday weekend: an account

friday i...

• ordered mu shu veggies for lunch and didn't eat the rice or pancakes.
  
• made my leftover rice into veggie fried rice at home-- lots of it.
  
• washed it down with a beer and two brownies while i watched most of season 1 of united states of tara, which is surprisingly good.

saturday we...

• got sbux for breakfast: a light frap and turkey bacon/egg white sandwich for me, no cheese.
  
• drove to rehoboth beach to eat/drink at dogfish head-- we ordered the dogpile and a canary for one, neither of which i liked, so i ordered a side of fries to soak up the pint of indian brown ale (7% abv) and glass of palo santo marron (12% abv) i imbibed.
• picked up a 12 ounce bottle of world wide stout (18% abv) to take home.
  
• hit up the rehoboth beach chocolate for samples of various brownies, cakes and pies (while drunk!).
  
• stopped at the ann taylor factory store to be SORELY disappointed in the prices... but still considered buying a pair of size 12 "curvy" bootcut jeans that fit perfectly. but, really? $45 AT THE OUTLET? puh-leez.
  
• bought a pack of marlboro lights. smoked one.
• bought beer for my mini birthday barty-- 6 dogfish head 60 minute ipa, 6 victory golden monkey and a case of yeungling lager cans.
  
• and a lindt white chocolate truffle bar.
  
• had 2 ipas & a lager at my birthday party.
  
• and a ton of tortilla & potato chips. a zillion calories.
• and 3 pieces of cake.
• and two cupcakes.
• and a lot of the truffle.
• stopped counting calories.
  
• smoked 5 or 6 more cigarettes and then gave away all but 1.
  

sunday we...

• saw alice in wonderland and had movie snacks for breakfast-- pretzel bites & more truffle with coke zero.
• munched on some crackers and seltzer.
  
• went to my folk's house for a sumptuous dinner of stuffed pork chops, brussels sprouts roasted with bacon and pine nuts, asparagus with lemon butter dressing, slow-cooked lima beans, batter-fried cauliflower and mashed potatoes. followed by a semi-frodo cake with white chocolate mousse, honey-almond mousse and baked meringue. and 4+ glasses of pinot noir, because, COME ON, my father-in-law AND my grandmother IN THE SAME ROOM?? it was like a game of dueling tall tales.
  
• smoked my reserved cigarette.
  

when i started this blog, i intended to tally up money and calories spent, and probably make some joke about my current alcohol-by-volume. and my current volume. but i'm not brave enough to try to count these calories. i think it's safe to call this an alcohol-fueled binge.

i don't regret it too much. i had a fantabulous birthday weekend. tonight bk and i will sweat out the last of the booze and then i'll probably walk the 2 miles home if the weather holds. just for a little extra push before i face my shiny! new! accurate! scale tomorrow.

focus today: WATER. sticking to the plan. exercise.

comfort

i'm under a ton of stress right now. and it's all birthday stress.

like i said yesterday, i am totally cool with my age. 26? is NOTHING. i feel great, i LOOK younger than... ever. i'm happy. i'm going to grad school and growing into a sense of style. growing my hair out. it's good.

but my birthday?

let me tell you the story of my birthday... i get all excited, plan something big & really nice for the people invited. 1/3 of them come (or fewer! last year it was ONE-- thanks tra!). i am humiliated. and then i get in a fight with my fil, unrelated to my humiliation. so this year, we planned to be out of town. but... that turned out to be way too expensive. so we planned to take a day trip. then my mom insisted on doing a big thing at her house and i got her to invite my inlaws to kill two birds with one awkward dinner. then friends of my husband's invited us over some time this week. i told him to tell them THURSDAY or FRIDAY. he said FRIDAY or SATURDAY. they, naturally, picked saturday. so i told him that it was fine but that he should be aware that it will be awkward for them to realize that it's my birthday. so he told them and they decided to have a small party. and... shit is hitting the fan. my husband and e are doing a lot of the planning but i'm freaking out. i don't WANT a party. i don't want to be humiliated again. and i don't want to buy a keg, but NO WAY am i having a byo at 26... and it's rough.

so i had a good cry and ate a few chocolate wafer cookies. and worked out with bk.

yesterday i took my wedding, engagement and right-hand rings to be re-sized. my engagement ring was a 7, my wedding band an 8 and my right-hand ring an 8.5. so, my wedding set are going to be a SIX AND A QUARTER and my sparkles are going down to a 7. ho. ly. shit. that's a big difference. (i also had a diamond stud cut off and repaired and a bracelet repaired. i've been saving up my jewelry repairs.) but now, without my wedding jewelry, i feel NAKED. and lately i've become accustomed to twirling them around all the time. i keep reaching for them for comfort and panicking.

this weekend... i have to focus. on stopping when i'm full. on enjoying everything. on not self-hating. and on hydrating to avoid hangover.

compliments from my mother

"there's nothing left of you!"

she really said that. my mother, who used to be defined on the sidebar as mommie dearest- the source of all shame. i realize that doesn't come close to describing my relationship with my mother, but what could? how can you define a relationship with your MOTHER? but the fact of the matter is, to my mom i am still part of her. despite my adult voice and my true nose, she still thinks of me as being a bit of HER that's out there walking around without permission. it takes a lot from me for her to approve. she won't be impressed that i got into Big Name Grad School until i graduate. she won't be proud of me for trying to run until i succeed. it's taken 70 pounds for her to comment favorably on my weight loss (f'ed up, i know, but she's one of those people for whom "you're too skinny!" is a compliment, i swear).

and her scale put me at 162.0.

i'm taking it, because she has the same scale as my (broken) one and it will be two weeks or more until mine arrives (goddamn super saver shipping). i weighed myself there yesterday at 6pm, probably dehydrated. but shit, man. i look good. i'm not kidding. i believe it.

oh, yes, lent

today marks the beginning of lent. oh, yes. lent.

every year since i can remember, my grandmother, a woman who sends off checks of $10 or $20 to various religious orders whenever whatever thing she'd asked their patron for comes true. like... she found the keys she'd asked st. anthony to help her find (dear st. anthony, please come around, something is lost and cannot be found) or i graduate from college (thanks to st. rita, patron saint of hopeless cases, of course, not that i was one class away after taking a semester off!) and still buys novenas and masses and confesses at 78, gives up whalemeat and watermelon for lent. whalemeat. and watermelon. as a child, i was required to REPORT on my lenten sacrifice every evening at dinner. my parents have since been excommunicated for attending a church that has a woman priest.

i do exactly jack shit for lent now. know why? cause i'm not catholic.

now, i think it's great that lent provides a convenient stretch of time for other people to challenge themselves, but man, that shit is FRAUGHT around here. i can't do it.

which is okay.

but easter is just six and a half weeks away, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't have a goal. dudes, i want to go to easter dinner, with my salted meat pies and lamb cakes, to dive into a pan of my grandmother-in-law's homemade pierogies, wearing size 12 pants... or smaller.

how hard can that be? i'll be 5 weeks into spinning by then. and i'll be working out with bk for... 8 weeks by then? damn. i'll be tracking my calories & nutrients. pushing my water. i can do it, right?

yesterday was better than i've been. aside from forgetting my hot dogs (if you don't know about the 45 calorie hebrew national hot dogs, you MUST go get them now.) i did okaaaay. well, not great. i also had a lindor truffle-- dark chocolate-- before my workout (78), two wedges of homemade scallion pancake before dinner (like 120) and a tiny wedge of the 8" chocolate chipper i made for my husband (50? it was tiny). not awesome. no green check. but better.

so, can i say this? i look pretty great in clothes. i mean, i know how to dress myself well, and now that i'm down to a medium top and size 14 pants, not quite noticeably huge anymore, i can pull off normal. but spring & summer are coming (aren't they??) and i might want to wear... capris. yeah, that's right, i can't even pull off capris. because my legs are enormous. or SKIRTS or DRESSES. (like that size 8 j. crew number!) i'm sure that toning up is going to help, but i have to lose 20 more pounds. the floppy bits are... well, they're really upsetting me. why am i not losing??

holy. mackrel.

165 pounds + admission to grad school = best day ever.

i kind of can't believe i'm here, actually.

so... first of all: 165. this is HUGE. this is MONUMENTAL. this is "OVERWEIGHT." i'm not death-fat anymore. i'm not obesity-epidemic (boogita-boogita) anymore. i'm not freak-fat anymore. i'm REGULAR fat. i'm a little soft, a little pear-shaped, but not OMFG GIANT BEAST LADY. does it feel different? a little. probably not as much as 140 will. and i think 140 is the goal. 135 would be swell, but 140 is solidly "normal"-- safely in the zone with a 5 pound buffer, but njot unachievable. if i'm THISCLOSE to being a smaller size at that point, i'll consider trying for a few more, but i think 140 is a winner.

this also means that, when my tax refund arrives, i'm gonna hightail it to the recovering actor's place of employ and distract the ever-loving shit out of her for, oh, two, three hours. it's gonna be SO MUCH FUN. (confession? some of the make-up i use with some regularity spent time in freshman dorms. OUR freshman dorms. please don't shoot!)

so... grad school. this means a lot of things. this means a way out of my dead-end (but secure and flexible!) job. it means oh, about $50k more student loan debt. it means two years of hard work, an internship and writing my first thesis. it also means a chance to prove that i AM smart, i CAN work hard, i DO deserve happiness and i'm NOT a total fuck-up. my acceptance? is provisional. i need to maintain a b average for a term or two or i'm out. it's because i slacked like WHOA in undergrad. due, in part, to the way i skated through high school and still scored a full academic scholarship to college. and in part to the bad thing. and, i'll admit it, in part to beer and pot. (and BOYS.)

i'm gonna get some LATIN on my diploma this time. tangent: my husband did his undergrad at this university. i desperately wanted to see if there was any latin on the basic diploma, so he dug his out. the only latin was the gold sticker that said cum laud. "hm," i said, "that's disappointing. i wonder if the sticker is bigger for the better ones." "baby, it doesn't GET much better," he said, all cocky and shit, and i had to be all, "oh, you'll see. there's cum laude, summa cum laude and magna cum laude. YOU have 'with honors' but then one is 'with HIGH honors' and one is 'with HIGHEST' honors." (all smug and shit.) "oh, which is which?" he says. "dude, i don't know! i got a c in latin." and... that basically illustrates my entire stance on education up until now.

(i can't help feeling a little odd about all the times i just typed "cum" here. i suppose it's the COLLEGE STUDENT in me.)

OKAY, OKAY, FOCUS:

• calorie target & nutrients
• water, water, water
• workout, either with my trainer-brother or alone if the snowmaggedon comes before 6
• next goal: 161 & -75 pound pictures

totally not my fault!

okay, i STILL haven't gotten my second session in but that's because my trainer and i can't seem to connect! he's hoping for tomorrow... i'm looking at tomorrow's forecast. but we'll see. maybe if the storm comes later than expected i can get there and back before it's very bad.

i managed to keep MOSTLY within my calories all weekend, actually, i was probably fine on average: friday's curly fries + saturday sleeping all day no time to eat / 2 = on target.

i <3 math.

so. since i'm all sorts of anonymous here, even though i know at least two readers in real life and at least two others know my real name and super-secret location, i'm gonna get something off my chest here, since it's the only place i really can. (i don't see dr. y until NEXT week.)


um, not weight related starting NOW:

dude, you guys, i want to have a fucking baby. i mean, i don't particularly WANT to HAVE HAVE a baby (a diy baby, as we call it around these parts) but i want to bring home a baby and name it and love it and take seventy million pictures of it and... and...

i WANT a baby or two to be an available option. i want to be waiting for the time to be right FOR US, not for our bank accounts. i want our five-year-baby-plan to be in its fourth year, instead of its fourth first year.

and it's not happening because my husband is regressing.

my husband is smart. i mean, like, really fucking smart. like phd-by-thirty smart. except, of course, he's not going to have one. because he refuses to JUST FUCKING PICK a discipline. i'm not saying he should do something he doesn't love, and i'm the one who told him, a couple years ago, not to apply to 10 programs in five subjects, but COME ONE. he really, really, really likes five subjects. don'tcha think if he picked one and studied it, he'd love it?

why is he so complacent? why is he totally cool with telling people he's going for an med, an mls, an msw and then backing out? how can he face the same profs he asked to help him get a phd in anthropology to ask them to help him get a phd in linguistics?

i totally get why women marry men ten years older then them now. (i'm awful, right?)


OKAY. BACK TO TEH FATZ NOW:

so, i managed to get out to the grocery store this weekend (twice) and pack up my meals for today. go me! water is an important part of not turning this cough into bronchitis, so hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. i doubt there will be a workout today even though i know it's probably fine, because i think i'm just going to crash. man, i'm TIRED. and i think there will be big news tomorrow.

aunt dot

when i was a kid, my mom called your period a "visit from aunt dot" kinda like message boards now call it "aunt flo" but dot = period. get it? it was always especially confusing to me because i HAVE a great aunt dot.

yeah, so, pms.

man, i ate SO MUCH chocolate this weekend. SO F'ING MUCH. it was astounding. and carbs. and wine (okay, two glasses). but i stayed in my calories! i DID! and i shredded DOUBLE DUTY on saturday! i did level two and then i did level one! AND THEN i did 17.5 minutes on my mini stepper! i worked out SO HARD!

so, would anyone like to explain why, after several days at 166.4, the scale blinked a cheerful 168.2 at me again this morning?

is it just a monday thing??

i would be lying if i said this didn't affect me at all. i mean, i even counted the brownie batter spoon i licked! i stepped for two and a half minutes longer than i planned to! i really, really tried this weekend.

so. oh, well. maybe, by some miracle, the scale will say 166 tomorrow. maybe i actually have a chance of getting PAST -70 next week. maybe i won't lose another pound ever, but my 2x a week training-- which starts tomorrow-- and my 2x a week spinning-- which starts in three weeks-- and my shredding (which goes to level THREE next week!!) will get me so ripped that i actually WILL make it to size 8 without ever getting below 168.

well. we'll see.

ohpleasephpleaseohplease

extra cardio: not check
shred: check but not *as hard* as i could have
calories: check
nutrients: check
water: FOUR LITERS, MOTHERFUCKER!

ahem.

so, my husband went out, which is often a recipe for DISASTER for me. but i watched a movie (good dick was awesome, if overly indie and slightly disjointed, and i want everyone to see it to understand how i feel all the time) and then shredded. and then... yeah, i was going to do some more exercise of some kind. stepper, steps, even level 1. but i didn't. i watched another movie instead (trucker which was worth it for the broody nathan fillion).

i baked peanut butter brownies for my husband to show him that i really, REALLY appreciate his cleaning the kitchen on wednesday. i didn't eat one, but i'd say about 15% of one stuck to the pan and, well, everybody knows edges and broken ones have no calories.

(i'm logging it!)

today's a long day-- over nine hours at the office-- and i'm tired from waiting up for my husband to come home. focus is, as ever: water, calories, nutrients, shred.

weekend goals: water, calories, nutrients & 2 hours of formal exercise.

um, apparently, i dare

and... i bought it. in an 8. holy shitburgers.

so, yesterday shook down like this:

1. water: 4+ liters, 3 1/2 of them PLAIN WATER
2. calories: a bit over when my stomach was growling at bedtime-- i had two crackers
3. nutrients: CHECK!
4. shred: eh. my wrist did this thing where it feels like it's spraining righthtisverymoment if i put pressure on it wrong, so i swapped out moves that put pressure on it after the first walking push-up set. so, no, i didn't give it my ALL, per se, but i got through it and i'm going to add more cardio today... i'm not sure how yet, but i am. i suppose with my stepper tonight, my bike once it's fixed and the track when it's not FREEZING.
   

so. i bought it. WOW.

well... today's focus is on water, calories, nutrients, shred AND an extra 15 minutes of cardio.

exercise: semi-fail

okay. i KNOW that exercise is an important part of the *journey* and i KNOW that people who exercise moderately during their loss and keep it up during maintenance are more likely to keep it off. but i, honestly, have lost my nearly 70 pounds with intermittent exercise.

i think we've (i've) reached the point where i probably won't be losing much more without some exercise. which is why i'm trying to do just that.

last night, i got back on the shredding bandwagon. with level two. which... may have been a little overconfident. i made it about halfway before i broke down in tears (this is not the first time a workout video has had that effect on me, not even THIS workout video) but today is a new opportunity to not fail spectacularly. yes, i will do level two again tonight and i will get to... farther than last night. that's all i'm promising, k?

e and i (e is the girlfriend i talk about here, the one i have lunch with when the weather's nice, the one i'm spinning with) have a metting with our, ahem, TRAINER (my kid brother) a week from today. i'm going to pay him upfront for 10 sessions over five weeks. by the time those five weeks are up, we'll be into spinning. and FITNESS. where organized, paid-for exercise is fitness will follow, and, likewise, where fitness is, exercise will follow.

i would love to be showing a good, low number today but, alas, it's 168.2. a current favorite of my body's. i'm disappointed, of course, but i'm keeping my focus where it belongs: on things i CAN DO. on getting my fluids, hitting my calorie and nutrient targets and shredding. i CAN.


ps, internet friends, sometime within the next week and a half i SHOULD be hearing if i got into grad school and i am OUT OF MY MIND with nerves. just... thought i'd share.

whoa

maybe i shouldn't have drank that BOTTLE of wine. or made chicken-soba noodle stir fry and veg fried rice in UNBELIEVABLE quantities on saturday for our guests. and 3 brownies (at about 340 calories each) might no have been the best plan. i may have gained a bit.

but today i'm back in focus. my liquid intake will be 2+ liters of seltzer, water and black coffee. my calories & nutrients will be in-range. i will shred level two. and... i will talk to my brother about training me and my girlfriend.

this is the friend i'm taking spinning with-- and she's convinced me to take advanced spinning TOO so we can spin twice a week. my brother is getting his training certification and is offering $10 an hour to family and $20 an hour to family friends. and he knows his shit, too, he's halfway through a bs in kinesiology. my girlfriend and i plan on working out with him twice a week: once together, once separately. i'm going to pay him in advance for 5 weeks, but i'd like to do three cycles of 5 weeks so that i finish 15 weeks of twice-a-week training just in time for... bill's stepsister's wedding. for $300, you can't beat it.

so... am i crazy? can i do this? two spinning classes plus two training sessions a week? yes. i can do this. and by summer, i'll be in the body i'm going to be in forever. (ahhhh, cheesy self-motivation speech.)

focus: water. calories. nutrients. shred level 2.

laughing in the face of calorieking

edited to add: so, seriously? i've had about the worst week EVER. i've been constantly thinking about ways i can self-soothe. unfortunately, the things i can think of all all off limits: shopping (come on, who doesn't love pretty things) is on hold because we have high budget hopes for this year; eating/drinking is on hold-- or, well controlled-- because, duh, i'm on a diet; drinking, like DRINKING DRINKING is a a bad plan because mmmmmmmcigarettes; cigarettes are a bad plan because mmmmmcarcinogens... i have to say, it looks like i'm going to work out and than go to sleep. sleep is TOTALLY still allowed. i just keep reminding myself of losing weight... being under 160 next month... close to 150 by my birthday... near 145 for the family wedding in may...

______________________________________________


down to 167 today. clearly, i am right and calorieking is wrong. about me, anyway. 1400 + exercise calories? no. 1250? yes.

i don't even have anything to talk about today... focus is on meeting my calorie and nutritional goals, my water goal mainly with WATER and getting in a shred. oh, yeah, and doing laundry. no, for real. AND going grocery shopping.

promises

i focused yesterday, i was careful. i managed two of the (five) things i said i was going to do. rather that dwell on the failures, let's talk about where i succeeded.

i stayed within my calorie range! it was a little tough, but i managed. AND i met my nutrient goals without going way over in any-- i often top off my calories by eating something fatty and end up over my fat.

so, today is a dr. y day. and there is MUCH. i'm focusing on staying in my calorie range, meeting my nutrient goals without going over and getting in my 128 ounces of calorie-free fluids-- black coffee, diet soda, seltzer and water. (tomorrow i'll knock out the soda. and EXERCISE.)

if i seem less depressed today it's because i weigh less than i have in weeks: 168.2. i hate feeling like i'm, i dunno, running in place? a walking, talking, blogging experiment in futility? i know i shouldn't let the scale dictate my feelings, but... poo. it's HARD. i have been pretty strict! i just needed to see a little movement.

anyway:

staying in my calorie range, meeting my nutrient goals without going over and getting in my 128 ounces of calorie-free fluids.