fuckity fuck fuck fuck (day 17 of 17)

today

weight: 148.8 (-0.2 since yesterday, -2 overall)
breakfast: 10 raisinettes and 3 mini pretzel twists
lunch: salad with deli turkey
snack: nothing
dinner: chicken with onions and peppers
workout: cleaning


in my head, i am 140 pounds today. none of my clothes fit and i'm shopping for emergency jeans and a dress to wear to my friend's wedding on saturday.

in my head, i finally-- FINALLY-- look a little less pear-shaped and can buy a dress and pants without the usual tears and nausea under the fitting room lights.

in my head, i pick up a clearance bathing suit, too, because mine doesn't fit and i feel like i might want to wear one sometime.

i was supposed to be thinner today. but i'm not.

i do not feel okay. i do not feel like i can get through this and finish this out. i do not believe i will ever be done.

and that makes me really want to quit.

i don't really know what the plan is now. it's my last day of 17dd (ha!) and i've lost 2 pounds. i felt thin about a week ago. i felt great at 145. i don't know what to do now, though. i'm tired.

it was different

yesterday's 5k was... different. it FELT different. everywhere you looked there were super-muscled RUNNERS wearing vibrams and little else. there were model-thin women with two kids in a jogging stroller (one an infant!). there were guys who looked like extras from baywatch. no friends, no community. the sponsors were brooks and some waterbottle people, not local businesses. this shit was for real.

we started out at the very back of the line. well, there were six people behind us but they all passed us immediately. it was hot. 90* and muggy. soon, i was last and k was shouting encouragement over her shoulder. i couldn't catch my breath. i tried to think of krissie, finishing a 10 mile trail run dead last and being proud of herself, but i just couldn't breathe and less than half a mile in, sweat was pouring off of me. i slowed to a walk, and, as i approached the street we'd parked on, just shy of the mile marker, i unpinned my bib and quit.

my eating has been all over the place and my drinking has been... yeah. i smoked for most of the past month, up to saturday. our next race is in 5 weeks. i'm going to finish.

ouch

typing lefty. right wrist/hand kinda fucked. very cranky and wanting to cry into some cake about it. 153.4. eating well. jogging tomorrow. feeling fat. missing weight lifting.

a dirty little whorebag

148.8

148.8

148.8

ERR

for a minute this morning, in the haze of my hangover, i thought for SURE the scale said 158.8. it didn't. it had a four on it. i was, to put it mildly, shocked. i planned to hop off and get my camera to record this milestone for posterity. except, ERR. so i gave it a minute.

151.6

and another minute, in case the little bitch wanted to rethink that.

152.8

ummm, yes, i'm taking 151.6. and i'm SURE it's all wine. (a high school/college friend came for dinner. we had grilled chicken caesar salad with fat free dressing, a blueberry peasant tart with a scant 1/4 cup of sugar in the whole thing and a giant bottle of fat bastard chardonnay. um, and 14 cigarettes. between us. both quitters. oops. i threw out the last 6 this morning.)

i didn't jog today, in a planned rest day, but we'll walk tonight. i had homemade whole wheat irish porter bread for a lazy breakfast, but packed chicken caesar salad, half a huge cucumber and some grapes.

i saw that four.

shame

mostly stayed in my calories.

walked.

didn't do sit-ups and push-ups due to being a cry baby over my final hpv vaccine shot. (motherfucker HURTS. STILL.) why get the vaccine for a virus i already have? because we assume my husband also has it and, if the odds are in my favor and the leep actually causes it to clear out, my husband and i could just keep reinfecting each other... forever. delightful, no? apparently, though, each of the 3 shots hurts worse than the previous one. i remember #1 hurt for about a month but i don't remember #2 hurting at all. #3 made me say "holy SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT!" as the needle was withdrawn.

didn't wake up and go to the track. dunno why. feel crummy.

152.4. i'm adjusting the goal for this week to 152.0. because i already met 152.6.

wherein i give myself a stern talking-to

okay. i do not know whatthefuck my problem is. where did exercising-- even just a pleasure stroll-- every day go?? where did fruits and veggies and lean proteins go?? when did i start eating REGULAR peanut butter and snacks before dinner and snack after dinner??

i'm maintaining. i maintained on vacation. this is a good thing. except i still WANT to be losing. 153.0? is not likely to come by monday. last night, after therapy, i ate a bag of peanut m&m's. the almost fit in my calories and did fit in my nutrients, but damn. i don't DO that.

tomorrow we have a wedding. we'll walk tonight and tomorrow i'll hit the track. tomorrow, i'm going to jog 1/2 a mile (separated). am.

we have no idea what will be served at this wedding-- it's an outdoor hippie wedding in a park, no rsvp required-- but i'm going to plan the rest of my food so that i don't NEED a lot of fiber or protein from that meal.

and i think i'll dance my pants off.

planning ahead helps me. sunday i will make lunches for the week. and a dinner plan. will.

i have to get back on track RIGHTNOW.

steady

last night was not ideal in a lot of ways, and i'm up .2 pounds today. no big. except, now it's thursday and i'm trying to lose like 1.5 pounds by monday?

today, despite a long-planned pizza dinner, is back-on-track day with careful eating, exercise and water drinking. and going out to buy ice cream cause it's the last night of the 2 for $5 edy's slow-churned sale!

so... i haven't mapped out my foods and such but i'm going to do that now and hope that in my mild hang-over this morning, i planned a somewhat balanced diet.

eh

today i'm exactly four pounds heavier than i want to be in 6 days. i like to think i wouldn't be stressing this if not for the fact that this time LAST week i was well on my way. i had like a pound to go.

way to fuck that up, self.

because i blew it this weekend

i haven't seen the 155.somethings in a while. i mean, except this morning. yeah, that sucked.

i really blew it this weekend. like, whoa. like i drank a bottle of wine, single-handedly, on two separate occasions. i had a sneak-eat attack on some rice krispie treats at a barbecue where i ALSO found myself sitting, shoveling ruffles into my mouth. and, after resolving to turn the weekend around on saturday, i ate two LARGE dinners worth of food at my parents' last night.

today, i've packed myself a POUND AND A HALF (literally) of fresh, raw produce. yes, that's what i plan on eating from 9 to 5. four ounces each of: green peppers, cauliflower, carrots, pineapple, strawberries and grapes. (red, orange, yellow, green, er, white and violet. a good showing by the rainbow.) dinner is grilled ham and broccoli. water is my friend.

baker's remorse

so, i make this... confection. we call it double-cake, which is pretty uncreative, but whatever. it's a cheesecake with a cake on top. and it always ends up garnished with something else (butterscotch pudding, chocolate ganache, pretzels, strawberries...). it's really good, but it's an enormous pain in the ass to make. so, of course, i have to make it for my husband's birthday. of course.

since we're going out to dinner tonight, and then to liquor wonderland to stock up, i started the cake last night. this year's cake is a chocolate cheesecake with a peanut butter cookie crust, banana cake, chocolate ganache and a peanut butter drizzle. so, feeling very clever, i picked up sutter's formula peanut butter cookies at tj's. make that peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. balls. okay, the cookies couldn't be used for my cake so i ate two. they fit in my calories and most of the rest are at the office now. then i had to make peanut butter cookies. WELL. feel free to add peanut butter bookie dough to the list of pre-baked confections i can't resist.

then it turned out that i'd baked way more than i needed. and THEN i made the chocolate cheesecake which just smelled sooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

bites, licks and tastes later, i couldn't manage a walk and my weight was up. 151.6. awesome.

so tonight i'm going to bake a cake, do my body-weight resistance workout, walk to dinner and walk back before going to the booze store.

i'm just really glad we'll have two quiet days to focus after this crazy weekend!

happy birthday, robert!

saw a friend from college in company last night. the actress playing joanne ("here's to the ladies who lunch") is battling cancer and at intermission there was an acs fundraiser... buy a slice of bobby's birthday cake. mmmmmmm. birthday cake. you can pretty much buy my love with a birthday cake.

after the show-- at about 11:45-- the friend and her husband came over for a drink. we had some tortilla chips and my favorite new gin cocktails. obvs, am up to 154.4 today. and i got my goddamn period.

my husband decided that he would pick up the old ladies himself, then com home to shower and THEN we'd go to the party (at about 6:30) so we're eating a sensible dinner at home. thank god. we will not eat at the party. at all. we're good at absolutes. i think this week might still turn out okay.

the incident

what do you get when a stress-out girl doesn't eat enough lunch then gets home to find her camera returned unfixed, no, we're just not gonna do it, thanks for buying the service plan though! and her stressed out husband goes out after a calorie-dense dinner and she sits down to watch a fluffy rom-com* alone?

an incident involving peanut butter chips. 1/4 cup of them. four servings. 320 calories worth.

they were calories i had to work with, but... damn. i could have done so much more with them. oh well, right?

i'm not sure where i stand food-wise today. i packed pb & j for lunch, breakfast was the usual (turkey bacon and toast) plus raspberries. i have an apple and a kiwi for snacks plus a fruit-leather type bar thing. i'll try to ensure there's a veggie on my pizza tonight.

exercise-wise, i'm planning on walking with the mister AFTER dark because, DAMN but it's 95* again! i'm also going to do the lower body & abs parts of my body-weight resistance circuit. but... my boob/armpit region is still KILLING me from the addition of push-ups on tuesday. so what do i do? skip them? i dunno. undecided.

weight today was 152.8, which is great. i'm practically jumping for joy.

i'm really ticked about this graduation party we have to go to on saturday. we offered to take my husband's grandmother's cousin (whom we've never met) to doctor's appointments once in a while. it's a long, sad story of her nephew demanding that she pay him hundreds of dollars to do things like deposit her social security check and pick up her prescriptions. now, when the offer was made it was strictly for doctor's appointments and understood that they would be in her area and all on one day/infrequent. she lives and hour away. so on saturday? we are driving there, picking her up, driving back, going to this godforsaken EIGHTH GRADE graduation party, driving her home and then coming home. that makes this 4.5 hour party and 8 hour (plus) time commitment for us. and the food is not likely to be healthy.



*TiMER doesn't suck as bad at it ought to... possibly because of my undying devotion to emma caulfield, possibly because desmond harrington is on dexter, possibly because i'm really good at suspending my disbelief and once you get past the INCREDIBLY STUPID and totally implausible set up, it's quite a charming little love story. and sisterhood didn't conquer all, though it was touch-and-go for a minute there.

not gonna make it

when i leave for vacation in three weeks, i hope to weigh 150.0 of less. 145.0 is... no longer viable. so. yeah. 154.6. that's... ugly.

okay, so, regroup. for next week: 153.0. that's... ugh. that's higher than i've been lately, but i'm not willing to assume it will magically go away. whatever.

today is fruit-heavy with fresh, organic raspberries from my daddy's garden (about a pint of them... at least), an apple and a kiwifruit. i'm having a giant salad with "mexican cheese blend," light sour cream and salsa for lunch. dinner is going to be a fritatta with green peppers and onions. mmmmm. i'll do a full weight circuit and a walk with my husband. and drink a ton of water.

and tomorrow will be better.

sisterhood conquers all

lately, it seems like the theme of every movie i watch ends up being sisterhood conquers all. like, as long as you've got your sister, it'll be okay. with the occasional variation re: your mother.

i gotta get something off my chest:

i do not love my sister. i do not like her and i would not be missing anything if i never saw or heard from (or OF) her again. "sister" means... basically jack shit to me. i would probably give her a kidney, but only because my brothers all enjoy contact sports and my parents would resent me forever if i didn't. and they would have to promise to keep us in SEPARATE recovery rooms. seriously. and i'd like to be out before we get into the or.

as a result, i am in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad place. i was forced, yesterday, to interact with the bitch. in my f'ing HOME, no less. so i did what anybody would do (the same as what i did at my baby brother's graduation party two weeks ago.) i got rip, roaring drunk and pretended she was any other girl i don't like and made EXTRA nice.

today, frankly, i feel terrible. not hung over, thanks to the four hours i spent lying awake between 1 and 5 wishing i could get cool enough to sleep and biding my time drinking water. depressed. anxious. miserable and angry that no one-- NO ONE-- seems to care that i don't want her in my life. today, i want to run far, far away and never come back.

debbie downer what?

my weight is also up. 154.2 is two pounds up from last week's low and 2.4 up from where i'd hoped to be tomorrow. i didn't walk over the weekend, or lift. i ate crap and had two of what passes for a binge in my life: once when my husband went out on saturday i ate ice cream out of the carton and several slices of toast with butter and last night after eating a delightful and satisfying linner (lunch/dinner), i made-- and practically INHALED-- a bacon & cheddar sandwich.

oh, and internet? i bought a pack of smokes. i've consumed 6 of them. and it took LOTS of willpower (with a side of exhaustion) to not smoke one this morning when my husband was in the shower.

look. i've been down this road before. and you know what? i'm NOT going to run away and never come back. and xyz event (weight loss, moving, grad school, a baby) is not going to make everything magically better. when i come out of this, as i most likely will, i will wish i'd soldiered on. so i am.

we have no leftover sandwiches (!!) from the party, but we have leftover veggies and hummus and various leftover ingredients (bacon, cheese, chopped onions, caramelized onions). so, i'm eating veggies and hummus and cheese for lunch a couple days. yum! and i'll walk tonight and lift and walk tomorrow. i think we're having omelets for dinner, or maybe a fritatta. i've got peppers and onions to get rid of and about 15 eggs.

maybe tomorrow my body will reward me for bouncing back. maybe not. i guess we'll see.

quick saturday check-in, mostly for my information

i've done very well with food this weekend. very, very well. and my usual complaint (constipation) has cleared up. or, at least, been replaced by, er, the OPPOSITE complaint. not cool. i've taken 2 30-minute walks with my husband, but not hiked (nor will we this weekend, i think) or done my hour-long, not-fucking-around weight workout because... i really don't feel okay. really.

anyway, i weighed in at 154.6 today and we're about to book a vacation to puerto rico because, well, my husband totally, epically failed to get his passport. vacation will be in 4 weeks (exactly!) and that goal will remain 145.

le sigh, as the say on the interwebs

well, yesterday...sucked. i left my lunch (and veg snacks) at home AND was wearing super cute but not especially friendly shoes PLUS we're being strict budgeters lately, so i had this long, boring struggle with myself over what to get for lunch and settled on what i THOUGHT was a moderately healthy and moderately cheap lunch. it really was a short walk, so that at least worked out.

of course, it was cheapish, but only about a dollar or two less than i could have spent on an ACTUALLY healthy lunch. anyway, boring, boring, boring... chinese food. i guess i should have known that "sauteed" means dripping in brown sauce.

and so, i've gained.

i don't even know what to do right now. this bloat weight SHOULD be falling off, but it's not. today, i'm having a hard-core fiber day (for my usual problem) and grabbing a light frap for, uh, good measure. the weekend is going to be very, very much dedicated to fitness and... i don't know. i don't know what's going on.

(frustration)

ah. mah. gah. 156.6? really?? why, body, why?

i ate right. i drank my waters. i walked. i lifted. i started cleaning up the mess i made last week (this doesn't aid my weight loss in any way but i feel like it should). the only think i can think of is... i've been low on fiber. really low. and, well, you know how that goes.

today's food is:

• a clif zbar (choco-chip) because i'm out of real breakfast food
• a kiwi
• an extra small banana
• a cup of tortellini salad
• 15 grape tomatoes
• 15 baby carrots
• grilled chicken
• snow peas
• 1/2 cup sliced peaches
  
• 1/2 cup edy's slow-churned is under consideration
• and the workout is... SPINNING

i intend to eat my kiwi skin, too, because even though i can't figure out how MUCH fiber it has to count in my daily totals, i know it has SOME.

i feel... crummy. i want to see my weight keep going down! i want to see the 140s this summer and the 130s by fall. i want... i want to be done.

huh

despite near-perfect efforts yesterday, complete with pushing water and walking, i gained. GAINED. so, there it is. i gained 1.4 pounds when i was supposed to lose 1.8 and now i have 5 pounds to lose in 1 week to stay on track.

i'm still choosing to believe it's not real because, hey, it probably isn't. so, maybe i WILL deflate as much as i want to.

nutrition, calories, water. weights, walk.

so sleepy

last night, instead of going to the bar to see my husband's band play their first open mic since they got the singer singing lessons (oh, yes, really), i stayed home and baked 4 batches of cake (3 half-sheets and a pair of 8" rounds), then assembled the three tiers of the birthday cake i'm making (chocolate cake with vanilla filling, banana cake with chocolate filling, vanilla cake with banana filling) and crumb-coated them. and a made the purple & yellow glazes for my youngest brother's high school graduation party cookies.

i got home at 7:45 and baked/colored/flavored/prepared/frosted until 12:30. i am SO UNGODLY SLEEPY.

i'm also up to 155.8. ouch. maybe i shoulda kept my fingers out of the cake batter? and the chocolate frosting? and the decorator frosting? and... and... and...

153.8. two pounds. weekend from hell coming up. my plan? alas, it it to NOT DRINK.

tomorrow, i'll chug-a-lug water & seltzer until party time, and, in fact, for a few hours into the party. i'll have one cup of punch and a burger at the party. maybe some of the cake.

sunday... i'll be water-loading again, well into the party, where i'll nosh on roasted veggies and a little tortellini salad. and one of my mom's chocolate-almond refrigerator cookies. and a margarita.

as for tonight...

i need to leave work at 3 (summer hours!) go to BloodBath & Beyond for a couple of beverage dispensers, hit a grocery store for 9 liters of pineapple soda, a jar of tropical punch kool-aid, a couple cans of tropical fruit and... oh, gosh, shortbread cookies, rolos, green twizzlers, some ball-shaped brown candy... crap. and michaels for a bit more decorator frosting. holy shit. and then i have to work my ass off and finish these confections.

i've already consumed 20 ounces of coffee.

losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.

...

154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.