fuckity fuck fuck fuck (day 17 of 17)

today

weight: 148.8 (-0.2 since yesterday, -2 overall)
breakfast: 10 raisinettes and 3 mini pretzel twists
lunch: salad with deli turkey
snack: nothing
dinner: chicken with onions and peppers
workout: cleaning


in my head, i am 140 pounds today. none of my clothes fit and i'm shopping for emergency jeans and a dress to wear to my friend's wedding on saturday.

in my head, i finally-- FINALLY-- look a little less pear-shaped and can buy a dress and pants without the usual tears and nausea under the fitting room lights.

in my head, i pick up a clearance bathing suit, too, because mine doesn't fit and i feel like i might want to wear one sometime.

i was supposed to be thinner today. but i'm not.

i do not feel okay. i do not feel like i can get through this and finish this out. i do not believe i will ever be done.

and that makes me really want to quit.

i don't really know what the plan is now. it's my last day of 17dd (ha!) and i've lost 2 pounds. i felt thin about a week ago. i felt great at 145. i don't know what to do now, though. i'm tired.

(day 16 of 17)

today

weight: 149 (-0.4 since yesterday, -1.8 overall)
breakfast: fruit smoothies
lunch: ughhhhhhhhhh, no idea
snack: nada
dinner: turkey burgers?
workout: meeting


i hate this. and it's really expensive.

(day 15 of 17)

jesus h. tapdancing christ on a cracker. 149.4. that's up like THREE AND A HALF POUNDS this weekend. of course, it's great to have my ate-and-drank-everything-wrong-all-weekend weight be under 150, but COME ON.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we're back on the 17dd wagon. but i'll be honest with you, i'm fucking tired of this.

hernia (day 12 of 17)

today

weight: 145.6 (+0.4 since yesterday, -5.2 overall)
breakfast: berry smooties
lunch: egg salad & celery
snack: posssssssssssibly... a protein pack and an iced coffee at ye olde sbux
dinner: no f'ing clue.
workout: spinning with k


so, during my hill workout last night (and may i just say: OMFG that sucked), i asked bk about this pain i've had when running basically since i started. it's just a bit above my pelvic bone on the left and BOY FUCKING HOWDY does it hurt. it is not a stitch. bk says it is. i think... it's a hernia. i'm almost certainly wrong, but i think it's a hernia caused by the flapping of my deflated stomach. it doesn't droop but when i do the bend-over-and-suck-it-in thing, it's super gross.

anway. it still hurts. that's gonna suck at spinning.

this weekend is going to be SO HARD. we have a birthday party to go to tonight, tomorrow an early visit with out-of-town cousins, then a bachelorette party tomorrow night and a baby shower sunday. i cannot gain this weight back. my plan is basically to have no food/drink tonight or sunday (i'll bring a liter of seltzer, people are totally used to it from me), to be super careful and in control tomorrow at lunch, and to enjoy a salad and 3 drinks at the b'ette. also, to bike tomorrow and run sunday.


noonish update:

the weekend just got goddamn near impossible with a dinner with the inlaws tonight! shit shit shit.

i can make it (day 11 of 17)

today

weight: 145.2 (-1.0 since yesterday, -5.6 overall)
breakfast: scrambled eggs
lunch: erm, no idea
snack: tomatoes!
dinner: possibly grilled chicken and zucchini
workout: hill workout with bk


so, okay, i'm almost back to the weight i glimpsed briefly in september, which is cool because it's almost freaking september again. but, hey, if i get myself down to like 142 in the next 6 (!! :D !!) days, it will be all new weight and i'll have like 14 dietable weeks (not counting vacation) before the holidays come and not gaining becomes priority #1.

like that logic? that logic also makes it remotely possible that i will be down to 125 come christmas. (bwahahaha!)

yeah, so, i'm super fucking tired of this, and i'm consuming more artificial sugar than i'd like (diet coke, coke zero and sugar-free caramel iced coffees are my faaaaaaaaaaaaavorites). but it's almost over and there's a re-entry plan and... yeah. okay. i can make it 6 days.

(day 10 of 17)

today

weight: 146.2 (-0.4 since yesterday, -4.4 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with pineapple & blueberries
lunch: egg salad (2 eggs + 2 whites w/ ff ranch) and celery
snack: green bell pepper
dinner: grilled chicken breast, romaine, and ff caesar
workout: nada, going to the library


AGAIN today i've already cheated. and have plans, even, PLANS! to cheat again with the other square of last night's secret snickers peanut butter bar. dude, it's not as good as regular snickers.

today, for the first time in a really, really long time, i feel like i look nice. normal. i'm quite close to "normal" too, so maybe i do look it. i'm looking forward, though, to another 10-15 pounds, a smaller size, a better waist:hip ratio (mine is an indicator or excellent heart health, but also an indicator of omg, you will never find pants that fit! i took my measurements on monday: 34-29-42. what the WHAT! don't get me wrong, i'm loving 34" and 29" but 42"? that's crazy. perhaps a nice 38" would be better. less peary.)

i also have plans for 2 buddy-workouts (a run with bk and spinning with k) and then two food/drink-centric weekend events (a bachelorette and a baby shower). i will add a workout on saturday and will absolutely not indulge on sunday.

already cheated (day 9 of 17)

today

weight: 146.8 (+/-0 since yesterday, -4 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with pineapple & peach
lunch: egg salad (2 eggs + 2 whites w/ ff ranch) and celery
snack: baby carrots
dinner: chicken with peppers, onions and taco seasoning
workout: a walk and some schoolwork


i've already cheated today. i had a mini tootsie roll and a mini pretzel. together. in one bite. soooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. this diet is really wearing on me. yesterday i wept in my spring mix and chicken. i was so hungry but i couldn't stomach another bite of chicken and lettuce. hence: egg salad.

i really can't give up now, though, down 4 with the potential for 4-5 more. i've never seen 142. or 139. i want to.

the final frontier (day 8 of 17, end of week 1)

today

weight: 146.8 (-1.2 since yesterday, -4 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with strawberries & peach
lunch: spring mix salad with chicken & ff ranch
snack: baby carrots
dinner: lowfat kosher hotdogs with okra
workout: finally a run! even if i have to go in the rain!


so, obviously, i love -4 pounds in a week. especially THESE 4 pounds. i'm less than a pound away from getting back to -90 and from there it's all new territory (mostly)!

there is little hope that i will lose 10 pounds from this adventure (supposedly, cycle 1 "promises" 10-15 pounds) but anything is possible. often a long plateau or set-point gets busted and then there's a short weight-loss free for all. so, ya know, i'm working for that.

mr man unfortunately had a small gain today, possibly a delayed reaction from that party on saturday, and didn't make -10 this week, but he's still quite close and has lost more than a pound a day.

(day 7 of 17)

today

weight: 148.0 (-0.8 since yesterday, -2.8 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with strawberries & peach
lunch: spring mix salad with... chicken & ff ranch?
snack: farmers' market tomatoes with sea salt!
dinner: possibly scrambled eggs with broccoli?
workout: stationary bike


that's better. yesterday was a pretty perfect diet day, except for the three (3!) no-sugar-added fudgecicles. look, it's 105* F here (not today, thank god) and we have sweet teeth (is that the plural?) so we bought a box of 40 calorie fudgecicles. we'd been working with 14 calories "philly swirl" popcicles, but they weren't TASTY. apparently the fudgecicles are a bit TOO tasty, but we've made a deal to get back to one a day.

yesterday was also the first day mr. man cheated by having some bbq pork and meatballs at a party. he's not up yet, but i hope he doesn't freak if (when) he has a sodium bump. i know the hosts (and dislike them, so i made my excuses) and i KNOW that they did not make that food from scratch. i fully expect he'll be down 10 pounds tomorrow anyway, so whatever, right? who among us wouldn't love to drop 10 pounds in a week?

this diet is becoming more and more cumbersome. i don't "crave" carbs, but i feel SAD that i can't have them. perhaps i'd feel better about it if i was losing fast like he is, but truthfully, i think this is pretty much my normal cracked-down pace.

i hope to see a couple of pounds this week. originally, i'd hoped to see 10 from the whole thing, but with only 10 days left, i don't anticipate dropping 7 more, especially since i have a baby shower and a bachelorette party next weekend. but who know, when dear old aunt flo leaves town, anything is possible.

one really great thing we've taken away from this experiment already is the joy of smoothies. i hope this helps parlay us into the land of green monsters. i make our smoothies with a stick blender in the 2-cup container that came with it. the larger pieces of frozen fruit (strawberries) give it some trouble, but the fresh fruit gets blended with no problem. they're the only way he likes yogurt and i hope later i can make them for him with the extra protein punch of greek yogurt (for now that's too expensive, since we're supposed to be going through 4 cups of yogurt a day) (we only manage 3 since i can't-- won't-- eat yogurt 2x a day).

today, i really miss my dunkin' egg white/turkey sausage flatbread and half a donut. c'est la vie.


*UPDATE*

bastard STILL FREAKING LOST. 0.2 pounds, but STILL. "oh, that i were a man, i'd eat his heart in the marketplace!" (ten points for the play, one for the author!)

heat wave (day 6 of 17)

148.8

soooooooooooo... yeah. we're having a heat wave (like everyone else) and i've not done much more than sit on my ass. sticking to the fad diet has been kinda hard, but i'm doing it. it's not exactly thrilling that i'm STILL 148.8.

whatev.

today is lots of schoolwork, sitting around and avoiding the heat.

modern mexican (day 5 of 17)

today

weight: 149.8 (+1.0 since yesterday, -1.0 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with strawberries & pineapple
lunch: EEK! we ran out of spring mix so i have to buy a salad!
snack: carrots
dinner: egg salad on cucumber slices
workout: probably a stationary bike ride. maybe sitting on my ass watching a movie.


SO. up a pound. coupla things. first of all, i almost always see a bump when i workout with my brother-- it's heavy lifting to absolute fatigue so you're doing fresh damage to the muscle fiber every week. second) i ate pretty lightly, though not by the book, but it was still latin food at a restaurant. so, ya know. third, i really expect my period momentarily. like, prob before lunch.

i would like to get down toward 140 in this phase. dunno if it's happening that way, but it would be nice.

small (day 4 of 17)

today (is my hard-won stay-at-home-and-study day which i'm hesitant to call a day off because i do more than i do at work AND i work full time hours in the other four days. so.)

weight: 148.8 (-1.0 since yesterday, -2.0 overall)
Breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with probably peach & pineapple
lunch: 2 eggs + a white with spinach and maybe one slice of bacon for flavor, spring mix
snack: cucumber & ff ranch
dinner: 3-course prix fixe from a pretty tony latin place downtown
workout: 1 mile walk & bk (DONE BY 8AM!)


well. that's nice. i can handle a pound every other day. of course, i, too, would enjoy being down SEVEN POUNDS overall, like mr. man is, but he started at about 105 pounds* more than i did, so FINE, WHATEVER.

i'm nervous about the prix fixe dinner tonight, but i can't get out of it because my friend is leaving for med school in florida next week, so i assume i won't see her again for like 7 years. i think i'm going with the tortilla soup & jicama salad to start, the enchiladas de verduras & mole amarillo (rabbit) for my main and the flan for dessert, because i don't really care for flan. and NO drinks. NO NO NO. basically, i'm trying to avoid cheese and fried and carbs as best i can.

i'm thinking very hard about changing my ultimate goal to 125. it's always been hard for me to imagine myself smaller than a 12/155 pounds, but here i am and i want to keep going. should i wait, though, and see what 135 looks like? i have no gauge for how/where i will lose the next 10, let along ANOTHER 10. it might go from all the right places, or it might exaggerate the small places and leave the larger places (hello upper thigh jiggle) larger making me look warped. to wait, or to reset the goal??


*my high school boyfriend weighed about 205 at 5'6" and was often quite down on both of us for being fat. at one point, he discovered that his dear (girl) friend with whom he was shamelessly in love but who was dating his obviously gay other best friend weighed 105 pounds. i remember him saying over and over, "i weigh A HUNDRED POUNDS MORE than her." and i'm like, well, yeah, seems that way, but she is awfully small. and now my husband weighs a hundred pounds more than me and he's not, like, super morbidly obese or something, i'm just apparently small.**

** speaking of small, i ordered a pair of size 8 jeggings and a size small fancy tank from old navy to "inspire" me as this is the first time i've had nothing in a smaller size to try to squeeze into. they were on super clearance and i paid like $22, with shipping. welllllllllllllllllll... they came yesterday and the top fits but the pants are way short, which i know because i put them on and zipped them up and everything. holy shit. (they are quite stretchy, of course, but EIGHTS.)

tmi (day 3 of 17)

today

weight: 149.8 (+/-0 since yesterday, -1.0 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with blueberries & pineapple
lunch: spring mix with hard boiled eggs & fat free ranch
snack: a hugh cucumber from my neighbor's covetable garden
dinner: chicken sausage & broccoli
workout: stationary bike


hm. obviously this is a slight disappointment (especially given that mr man dropped 2 again!) but i can identify some reasons:

1. at a jewelry direct-sale party last night i stuck to veggies and (full fat) dip... until the end when i scarfed down some pretzels
2. TOM. tomorrowish.
   
3. this diet? not so conducive to pooping. as in, i haven't. in days.
   

solutions? keep it up! tomorrow i have a farewell dinner with a friend who's leaving for med school, but also an am workout with BK and the day off from work (to work on BNGS stuff), so i'll get my full 2 yogurts in and try the whole warm-water-with-lemon thing, too.

anyway. i'm pleased for my husband. he was feeling really down about his gain and now he's dropped off everything he gained while visiting his mother, so that's a great start. soooo... yeah. things are going okay. i guess i won't be losing 17 pounds in 17 days, lol.

go for the fruit (day 2 of 17)

today

weight: 149.8 (-1.0)
breakfast: yogurt w/ sf peach preserves, 2 eggs+1 white & a peach
lunch: spring mix with canned chicken & fat free ranch
snack: baby carrots, sliced turkey
dinner: chicken, peppers & onions
workout: rest


so... last night i didn't do hill repeats but i did run a mile like the cops were chasing me. i'm sore today! sure, it's been a while since i've run, but not so long that i should be sore from ONE MILE. i don't know if i should credit my finally-set-up ipod (full of punk, dancehall and... i dunno, soulish current lady singers?) or the knowledge that i ONLY had to do one mile. i also ate a lowfat kosher hotdog (no bun, obvs) because mr. man suggested it after my workout. he, btw, is down 2 pounds. i think i would be down a bit more without the dog, which was lowfat but regular sodium, but i'm good. if it keeps up this pace all 17 days, i will pass my original goal of 135 :D and be on my way to the 125 of my dreams.

tonight i have schoolwork to do and a jewelry party to attend, so there won't really be time for a workout.

lessons learned about the trendy two and a half week diet? 1 tbs of sf preserves is not enough to flavor lowfat plain yogurt. go for the fruit.

a farewell to carbs (day 1 of 17)

look. i'm no fan of drastic fad diets. i've been plugging along at this all eat-less-move-more for like 4.5 years. i'm at the last 15 pounds. i'm stalled and unmotivated. and my husband has gained some weight back and he needs to turn it around fast.

so, after much discussion, we're starting a version of the 2.5 week, low carb diet that's making the rounds. (a bootlegged version, thus i'm not telling you the name. you're bright, you'll figure it out.)

the carbs in our plan are yogurt and fruit, two servings each.

today

weight: 150.8 (+/-o)
breakfast: yogurt smoothie with frozen blueberries & a peach
lunch: spring mix with hard boiled eggs & fat free ranch
snack: a cucumber, 2 small tomatoes with olive oil, salt & basil
dinner: turkey burgers & zucchini
workout: hill repeats (?)

i'm excited to break my plateau, become a faster runner and get soooooo cloooooose to my goal, f'ing finally. really, really excited.

dude, and the yogurt smoothie? was filling and not half bad. color me shocked.


**noonish update**

the smoothie lasted me til noon! the eggs and ff ranch salad was delish. the cucumber will wait a while. i feel fine, if a little antsy for my after-lunch tootsie roll. going with gum instead. psyched for TWO turkey burgers! (i'm keeping my food in ww and sticking to my p+ allowance.)

tan fat

so... we all know that tan fat looks better than, oh, say, BLINDINGLY WHITE GHOST-COLORED FAT, right? especially in the summer? especially in a dress? especially when photographed? especially when arms, chest and face have a runner's tan? and that tanning is baaaaaaaaaaad for you!

cue: summer weddings, baby!

ya'll, i am NOT wearing pantyhose in july! or possibly EVER AGAIN. so.

cue: jergen's natural glow express.

so, i bought it yesterday, naired my gams (like i do because my leg hair is mostly too fine to shave) and slathered it on. ummm, perhaps slathered TOO much. because it took like half an hour to dry. so that was at like 1pm. by last night when i was showing my husband my "new" dresses, i had... some color. i wouldn't say a tan, exactly, but some color, for sure. today, i slathered on a touch less at 6:30am. it dried in about 15 minutes. i'm wearing jeans now, but i'm confident that more color is developing. after tomorrow's application, i'll probably even have... A TAN. then i think i'll buy the "firming" natural glow for upkeep/imaginary firming.

that's the good news.

the bummer news? my last spinning buddy went and got herself all knocked up. and then this morning? after i got up at 5:15 to go to spinning? all alone? i walked in on core bootcamp. apparently my spin class has been canceled or moved. huge bummer. at elast i got in my 3-miler yesterday!

weekend:

1. birthday dinner for the man of my dreams.
2. weddingsqueeeeeeeeeeee! (hello, lemon drop martinis, my long lost love...)
3. post-wedding brunch.
4. cook-out.
5. maybe another cookout.
   

stfu. that's a lot of food & drink. and i will track whatever passes through my lips. i will also workout. and maybe even swim!

must

so... last week was a little screwy, food-wise. honestly, i often didn't track my evening snacking (which was extensive) and TWICE i grabbed a snack-cake at the grocery store check-out and didn't even look it up, let alone track it. i also ate it alone in my car, which is a whole 'nother ball of wax. and the only workouts i did were my runs and one half hour on the bike.

plus last night we went to our favorite local byo for the multi-course chef's tasting ("multi" in this instance meaning 8: amuse-bouche, bread, appetizer, cheese plate, mini-entree #1, mini-entree #2, dessert and cookies.) which is not huge, but is amazing and has that roll-me-home quality if you don't arrive physically hungry. anyway, i'm a little puffed from it, too, so i'm up to 152.something.

this weekend we have a birthday party, a wedding, a post-wedding brunch and two cookouts.

this is what must happen this week:

1. i must eat 29 p+ each day-- no weeklies or activities until the weekend
2. i must work out every day but wednesday

and... that's it. despite the STUFF this weekend, i'm hoping for a one-forty-something weigh-in for july.

next weekend my husband will be out of town, which i hate.

goal check-in

• pack workday lunches>> every day this week... and i'm almost through the mexican leftovers from father's day!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> except today :/ it was an early EARLY day and i just got a bagel with scrambled egg (ate 1/2 the bagel!)
  
• plan weekly dinners>> we've done... taco salad, tacos, "tampa salad"*, enchiladas and we're looking at tampa-taco salad.
  
• run 5k#2 >> still failed.
  
• run 2-3 times a week >> YES!
  
• start swimming lessons >> ughhhhh. not yet.
  
• get a massage >> also, not yet.
  
• record my p+ >> i could be doing better.
  

one more week of june goals!

* a salad my mother-in-law made the last time i was at her home in tampa: lettuce, tomato, red onion, avocado, queso fresco, olive oil and lime juice. over lettuce. YUM.

unprecedented

the last couple of nights have not been awesome. for one thing, we're still working on the leftovers from the father's day taco bar i made and mexican food is my kryptonite-- but there are chips and cheese and cinnamon brownies involved, too. then there's this wretched pms situation. in high school, i thought those "oooooh, my crammmmmps" girls were full of shit. i literally got my period out of the blue with no forewarning, once in the middle of an exam. but now, lately, i am a slave to my cycle. my uterus is running the show here, complete with floaty life-is-perfect-let's-have-a-baby ovulation days and ragey fights & self-hatred for 4-5 days before my period. and wtf is up with a 29 day cycle?? that's new. and not in a cool way.

(thanks to krissie for confirming that pms is realer than it was when i was thinner! i thought i was crazzzzzy!)

anyway. school started back up, so i'm home today, ahem, doing my schoolwork. it's been balls hot here. i mean BALLS HOT. and i am not a warm-weather girl. give me early sunsets and falling leaves and chilly breezes ANY DAY. i knew it would be hot today, so when i got up around 8, i checked the hourly forecast and, yep, 80* by noon. that's TOO HOT for me. so i suited up... and did my scheduled run.

dude, it sucked and i hated it. plus, i was out of the house for 44 minutes traveling 2.78 miles (2.5 at a jog) which was pretty slow. but now it's DOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE! this is the first time since SEPTEMBER i've actually gotten a workout in first thing in the morning on my "schoolday" as was originally planned. and it's AWESOME! i love it. i anticipate that i will actually have lost weight in my first year of grad school, despite the charming "grad school 10" i gained. by the end of september, i will be close to or AT my goal of 135. truthfully, though, i'm hoping to drop another 10 before my 5-year fativersary on january 9th, 2012. that's the day i plan to put away my dieter hat forever.

and on that note...

curiouser and curiouser

so... i've been less scale-dependent lately. it's a thing. it's about... not letting myself make excuses. i was weighing once a week. then twice. this week, i weighed myself three times.

on saturday morning, i weighed 148.0! i was pleased, to say the least. i went to the gym for my lifting/training session, then ate properly all day, and finished up with a short run in the evening.

on sunday morning, i weighed 149.6. i was still pleased, but confused. however, every muscle in my body felt like it was knotted up. water weight. i went on to eat... fine. didn't count like i should have, but not crazy.

this morning? 150.2. huh. i ate breakfast at home and packed a lunch. i'm all planned and counted for the day including a short run per my schedule tonight. i still hurt everywhere.

so. what i'm thinking is... as i understand it, stressing the muscles causes microscopic tears in the muscle fiber, which retains water to re-knit the muscle stronger. that's why when you first start exercising, you gain a bit of weight. but with my brother-trainer, we lift to absolute fatigue every week. the whole point is that the body never gets used to what we're doing. so every week the muscles tear, retain water, cause small gains. and the next day or the day after that is weigh-in day.

my first instinct was to move weigh-in to saturday.

but what's the point? a small push now? i'm doing fine. probably great. i'm really losing weight at a healthy pace even after 4.5 years of this shit. this is good.

NEXT week, my real weigh-in will be in the 140s. for sure.

so, we host fathers' day and we had a taco bar yesterday. it was great! but i made too. much. food. for the next couple days it's tex-mex 3 meals a day. today i had a little refried bean burrito for breakfast (fat free, of course), pack rice and beans for lunch and will have a big-ass salad for dinner.

...

oh, one last thing. we got great portraits taken of us. i wore a dress that... apparently does not flatter. my legs look like tree trunks! i need a full-length mirror.