hernia (day 12 of 17)

today

weight: 145.6 (+0.4 since yesterday, -5.2 overall)
breakfast: berry smooties
lunch: egg salad & celery
snack: posssssssssssibly... a protein pack and an iced coffee at ye olde sbux
dinner: no f'ing clue.
workout: spinning with k


so, during my hill workout last night (and may i just say: OMFG that sucked), i asked bk about this pain i've had when running basically since i started. it's just a bit above my pelvic bone on the left and BOY FUCKING HOWDY does it hurt. it is not a stitch. bk says it is. i think... it's a hernia. i'm almost certainly wrong, but i think it's a hernia caused by the flapping of my deflated stomach. it doesn't droop but when i do the bend-over-and-suck-it-in thing, it's super gross.

anway. it still hurts. that's gonna suck at spinning.

this weekend is going to be SO HARD. we have a birthday party to go to tonight, tomorrow an early visit with out-of-town cousins, then a bachelorette party tomorrow night and a baby shower sunday. i cannot gain this weight back. my plan is basically to have no food/drink tonight or sunday (i'll bring a liter of seltzer, people are totally used to it from me), to be super careful and in control tomorrow at lunch, and to enjoy a salad and 3 drinks at the b'ette. also, to bike tomorrow and run sunday.


noonish update:

the weekend just got goddamn near impossible with a dinner with the inlaws tonight! shit shit shit.

truthiness

soooo... yeah. this weekend my husband was out of town visiting his mom's family. this sort of causes about fifty million unpleasant emotions for me, including loneliness and resentment. as it happens, my parents were on vacation and my two brothers who live locally were visiting my other brother. my most-local friend was road-tripping and my tied-for-third most local friend is on her honeymoon. this is how my weekend played out, for the sake of accountability:

• thursday: i bought two bags of reduced guilt pita chips and ate 1/2 of one before
• my husband picked me up from work to head directly to the airport
• but first we grabbed some pizza at 3pm
• after dropping him off, i went to my 3rd most local friend's new apartment
• where i smoked cigarettes and drank crystal light until about
• 8:30 when i left, eating the rest of that bag of chips in the car on the way to
• the grocery store for some diet soda, seltzer, skim milk and slow-churn instant milkshakes
• one of which i had right after i skyped with my husband at his mother's house
• then i watched a couple episodes of star trek: the next generation streaming on netflix until i fell asleep.
• friday: i got up late and waited to hear from him until i had to
  
• go to the tailor to pick up my other two dresses all taken in and stuff
• i picked up an iced coffee on the way
• and on the way home i got an egg white & turkey sausage flatbread sandwich from dunkin donuts (with no cheese this is 4 points+, i think or 5)
• and 25 chocolate munchkins! i told myself they'd last 4 days.
  
• then i chatted with him, hung around doing mostly nothing and ate all them munchkins
• canceled my gym date because of the downpour
• and made myself a zucchini risotto, 1/2 of which i ate
• then i stuck with diet soda and smokes until 10ish when
• i had another milkshake before skyping goodnight and going to bed.
  
• saturday: had a lot of potential because it started, as all mine do lately, with a trip to the personal trainer
  
• then the farmers market where i got talked into having a huge falafel pita at 10:30 am. it was excellent.
• i didn't buy any bread though, and the only sweet was a pot du creme.
• but then... i went to a local brewery for a tour and 3 beers with my second most local friend
• and she came home with me
• and we ate pizza AND fries with another beer
• then a milkshake with some buffy the vampire slayer
• before going to bed.
• sunday: we stopped at dunkin for coffees and a flatbread (for me, and my parents' dog)
  
• before i dropped k at the trolley
• then my grandmother called and it was decided that i would take her to a viewing that night so
• i did my schoolwork and my weekly self mani-pedi
  
• and ate the rest of my risotto and headed out
• to visit the doggie again on the way to my grandmas.
• we were in and out of the viewing in 30 seconds flat.
• then she wanted to go to the diner for a hamburger
• but it was closed for renovations!
• so we headed toward a little italian byo
• and it was closed for vacation!
• then a second italian byo was packed
• so we went to her usual italian place.
  
• where we ate so. freaking. much.
  
• the bread is focaccia,
• and we had a sausage & polenta appetizer
• penne with vodka sauce
• and a slice of tiramisu.
• after that, we watched a movie until i had to leave to pick up my husband at the airport.
• and he and i shared a beer before bed.

not too surprisingly, i was up 4.4 pounds. OUCH. that was yesterday. today, i've dropped off 2.2 of those, so i'm encouraged. i didn't exactly nail the plan yesterday, and still don't have breakfast & lunch for the week, but it was obviously better. i need back on the exercise bandwagon, though, don't i?

tan fat

so... we all know that tan fat looks better than, oh, say, BLINDINGLY WHITE GHOST-COLORED FAT, right? especially in the summer? especially in a dress? especially when photographed? especially when arms, chest and face have a runner's tan? and that tanning is baaaaaaaaaaad for you!

cue: summer weddings, baby!

ya'll, i am NOT wearing pantyhose in july! or possibly EVER AGAIN. so.

cue: jergen's natural glow express.

so, i bought it yesterday, naired my gams (like i do because my leg hair is mostly too fine to shave) and slathered it on. ummm, perhaps slathered TOO much. because it took like half an hour to dry. so that was at like 1pm. by last night when i was showing my husband my "new" dresses, i had... some color. i wouldn't say a tan, exactly, but some color, for sure. today, i slathered on a touch less at 6:30am. it dried in about 15 minutes. i'm wearing jeans now, but i'm confident that more color is developing. after tomorrow's application, i'll probably even have... A TAN. then i think i'll buy the "firming" natural glow for upkeep/imaginary firming.

that's the good news.

the bummer news? my last spinning buddy went and got herself all knocked up. and then this morning? after i got up at 5:15 to go to spinning? all alone? i walked in on core bootcamp. apparently my spin class has been canceled or moved. huge bummer. at elast i got in my 3-miler yesterday!

weekend:

1. birthday dinner for the man of my dreams.
2. weddingsqueeeeeeeeeeee! (hello, lemon drop martinis, my long lost love...)
3. post-wedding brunch.
4. cook-out.
5. maybe another cookout.
   

stfu. that's a lot of food & drink. and i will track whatever passes through my lips. i will also workout. and maybe even swim!

curiouser and curiouser

so... i've been less scale-dependent lately. it's a thing. it's about... not letting myself make excuses. i was weighing once a week. then twice. this week, i weighed myself three times.

on saturday morning, i weighed 148.0! i was pleased, to say the least. i went to the gym for my lifting/training session, then ate properly all day, and finished up with a short run in the evening.

on sunday morning, i weighed 149.6. i was still pleased, but confused. however, every muscle in my body felt like it was knotted up. water weight. i went on to eat... fine. didn't count like i should have, but not crazy.

this morning? 150.2. huh. i ate breakfast at home and packed a lunch. i'm all planned and counted for the day including a short run per my schedule tonight. i still hurt everywhere.

so. what i'm thinking is... as i understand it, stressing the muscles causes microscopic tears in the muscle fiber, which retains water to re-knit the muscle stronger. that's why when you first start exercising, you gain a bit of weight. but with my brother-trainer, we lift to absolute fatigue every week. the whole point is that the body never gets used to what we're doing. so every week the muscles tear, retain water, cause small gains. and the next day or the day after that is weigh-in day.

my first instinct was to move weigh-in to saturday.

but what's the point? a small push now? i'm doing fine. probably great. i'm really losing weight at a healthy pace even after 4.5 years of this shit. this is good.

NEXT week, my real weigh-in will be in the 140s. for sure.

so, we host fathers' day and we had a taco bar yesterday. it was great! but i made too. much. food. for the next couple days it's tex-mex 3 meals a day. today i had a little refried bean burrito for breakfast (fat free, of course), pack rice and beans for lunch and will have a big-ass salad for dinner.

...

oh, one last thing. we got great portraits taken of us. i wore a dress that... apparently does not flatter. my legs look like tree trunks! i need a full-length mirror.

hookers and blow

• pack workday lunches>> have two days made, a week planned and one day packed!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> made quebecoise toast* for the week
  
• plan weekly dinners>> planned up to wednesday
  
• run 5k#2>> that was a sad, sad failure. i'll look for another on around the end of the month.
  
• run 2-3 times a week>> fail, but i'm going to schedule 3 for this week... i'm on summer break!
  
• start swimming lessons>> in progress... i don't know if the gym is open during break
  
• get a massage>> see above
  
• record my p+>> MASSIVE FAIL, but i'll do better this week

i went to a bachelorette party on saturday. it was dinner, piano bar, hotel, brunch. not awful. pretty fun, really. mostly wine and show tunes, not exactly the hookers-and-blow event i'd imagined it. i missed dinner, drank a (planned) bottle of wine and made good coffee and breakfast choices (as nice as the banana/strawberry/nutella crepe looked... i needed protein BAD). the rest of yesterday was kind of a wash, though. we went to see the x-men movie (LOVE) and got pizza. i'm up a bit to 151.6.

oh. on friday? i bought a spin bike on craigslist. didn't get serially killed, but the sucker squeaks a little, so i can't use it when the husband is asleep.

goals & plans

• pack workday lunches>> all week!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> all week!
  
• plan weekly dinners>> whoops, we skipped cooking out for a storm that never came; ate steamed chicken & broccoli, white rice and a veg egg roll instead.
  
• run 5k#2 >> next week
  
• run 2-3 times a week>> eh... will probably squeeze in 2 this week: monday & sunday
  
• start swimming lessons>> promise to ask at the gym sunday! swearsies!
  
• get a massage>> see above
  
• record my p+>> all week! a bridal shower looms tomorrow, though...
  

plan for the weekend:

• tonight we have happy hour for a departing colleague of my husband's. i'll opt for a diet soda.
• planned dinner is fish for him, eggs for me.
• then we have a community art show! there will be wine and i will drink some.
• tomorrow is the FARMERS MARKET! my brother/trainer is at the shore, so i'll get my new drivers license then hit the market at open (9) and hang out soaking up the awesome until noon when...
• ... i'll head to a bridal shower. the hostess is a weight watcher, so i have high hopes. but i'll gorge myself on farm fresh strawberries so sweet and ripe the only part you don't eat is the leaves just. in. case.
  
• after the shower i hope to have a quiet evening at home, but may have to do a birthday dinner for smil.
• sunday i'll hit the gym at 10 for a jog & my swim/massage inquiries.
  
• then i'll knock out part 2 of my accounting final.
  

and then the weekend is over...

yesterday

yesterday's weigh in: 152.2 (an obvious consequence of how lazy i was with my monthly goals)

yesterday's 5k time: 45ish minutes (unofficial, obvs)

yesterday's agenda: the girl who played with fire and the girl who kicked the hornet's nest in the original swedish (the movies, obvs)

yesterday's food: a humungo diner breakfast, leftover weight watchers pasta primavera, fat free brownie, vanilla ice cream bon bon, peanuts

yesterday's drink: mimosas! (2) and water water water.

now i'm back to regularly scheduled life. breakfasts and lunches are made, dinners are planned, need to plan workouts today.


..........


i approximated running the whole time. k (my friend) ran ahead when i started to flag in the second mile. she kept the 13 minute mile pace the whole time. bk (my brother: big k) stuck with me, even though it was probably harder for him to go increasingly slower each mile than it would have been to finish in 20 minutes. my cousin ck (coach k) who coached bk in high school track was there unexpectedly. he finished in a slow 21:something but stuck around for 25 minutes to hand me a water bottle--opened! how thoughtful-- at the finish line.

dudes, it was hot as shit out. i sweated buckets. and the sun, oh god, the sun. and the HILLS. i wish i lived in jersey. where it's flat.

but i ran it.

now i need some synthetic running gear or i will surely die this summer.

holiday weekend

in 6 hours, my holiday weekend begins.

my 5k weekend.

my farmers' market weekend.

in arts administration (the field i'm getting my ms in) there is a concept called BHAG: Big Hairy Audacious Goal. what is the *thing* your organization would like to achieve in a PERFECT WORLD. like, "bring a love and appreciation of classical music to every fifth grader in the country." some crazy, impossible shit.

my running BHAG was to be able to run 5 miles, in a row, in about an hour. then i would do that 3-5 times a week. and i would be fit and healthy.

i'm going to have to make it 6 because on wednesday, i ran 4 miles in 53 minutes.

i will likely be running the 5k alone on monday. my running buddy wants to maintain a 10-12 minute mile and i don't think i can do much better than 13, especially with hills and heat. my brother would probably die if he ran that slow. but even if i'm running it alone, i'm RUNNING it. i can totes do it.

despite not making breakfast ahead this week and only half-assing lunches (i made the red beans, but got bored and didn't do the rice!) i still have not bought food during the day. it's been tempting to hop on the scale and just see since noticing how well my clothes fit-- or how large-- and how well i've done on ww and with my workouts. but i'm managing to wait.

.................

question: did anyone else feel really inadequate after seeing the biggest loser finale? i didn't watch the season (SO. SLOW. AND. OVERWROUGHT. OMG. WEIGH IN ALREADY!) but the sisters who were the final 2? they did not look like they'd ever been fat. no bulky calf and thigh muscles, no flappy arms and boob, no deep nasal-labial folds. they looked like freaking models. /end whine

................

so, for the weekend:

• stick to ww every day-- track and mind limits
• go to only ONE family/holiday event and track it
• workout friday (?), lift saturday, walk sunday, race monday!
• weigh in an post monday
  

victory is... OWIE!

i'm really rocking my goals this week. yesterday, i slept later than planned and wasn't on the first train to the gym, or the second or the third.

so i mapped a 2 mile route around my neighborhood and jogged the shit out of it. after about a quarter mile i realized that my route (2.05 mile loop) was mostly uphill. which i realize sounds geographically impossible, but i sweartogod it's true. and i was dying. i thought i would quit before i'd managed a half a mile and walk home in shame.

but i didn't.

i jogged, feeling like i was going about one mile an hour, the whole way (pausing for two or three traffic lights, because i am so not cool enough to jog in place at a light) back to my block. i estimate my block is .05 miles, so i walked it home once i turned on to it. it took me about 31 minutes, so my normal "running" pace of 15 minute miles. WHOA.

then i tried a yoga video and i pulled something that made breathing while laying in my preferred sleeping positions painful, so i slept badly and skipped the 6am spin class today. but i'm still getting 5 workouts this week! i'm also nursing a sore hip flexor and a weird toe pain, so i'm giving in and heading to the fancy running store to consider new shoes. and compression pants because, dude, i can FEEL my loose skin bouncing around. awful.

i registered for my memorial day 5k today, oh yes i did.

>>>>>

other goals are fine and dandy. i made 5 days of breakfasts yesterday and packed salad today. it's a week into may and i have spent just $5 (on two lattes)! tomorrow i have to navigate mass-market "italian" food with the inlaws. not sure if it will be carrabba's or olive garden, but neither is listed in the ww database, so i have some legwork to do...

meh

saturday morning i was down to 150.4. this morning, officially, i was 152.8... not less than january 1, not less at all. the same. we ate three meals at restaurants this weekend, plus one from a convenience store and a good deal of booze. and i'm still down a reasonable about, even though the daily weigh-ins showed me that my weight was unnaturally night before.

i would have loved to have 152.0 today, but i bet there will be a tuesday drop.

lately, i feel very much like a grown up in my relationship with consumption... i'm more budget and space conscious. and my tastes are maturing. specifically, my taste in food & drink. lately i'm enjoying: root veggies, cooked greens, baby arugula, baby spinach, quail, pheasant, rabbit, venison, frou-frou cheeses, black coffee, dark chocolate and red wine.

i'm not sure if my growing-up taste if food is going to help me lose weight, but it's certainly making me feel better about me & food.

6 weeks.

progress

okay. wanna know something totally gross? i slept through the night last night and woke up with YELLOW SNOT! yellow snot is The Official Symptom Of The Beginning Of The End Of A Cold. and i haz it.

starting tuesday i've made myself nut up and eat real food, not comfort food, and drink water, not juice. it's been rough, but i'm making it. AND i'm losing weight.

i'm not sure how the weekend is going to shake out just yet, but i'm likely to have to do most of last weekend's canceled activities, plus those planned for this weekend. so, yeah, that's a lot. but i'm also going to the BNGS gym again to make the arc trainer my bitch. the goal of the arc trainer situation is to eventually get up to an hour of that and knock out like 600 calories in each workout. also to get back some lower bod & cardio strength for (another) triumphant return to running in march.

so... better. i feel better. i've done a good deal of schoolwork for the week so i can focus on 2 major assignments due on tuesday. and i'm not in a fight with my scale any more. hooray. next week's weigh in might even be-- gasp!-- less than january 1!

end of august

this weekend, i...

1. jogged a mile in 18 minutes
2. which means i jogged for eighteen minutes STRAIGHT
3. hit my -90 pound mark
4. bought size 10 jeans at the gap after trying-- and fitting in-- five pairs
5. didn't gain weight at a barbeque
   

hope

my weekend was... insane. great and crazy and weird and awful. i feel like i gained 20 pounds. but it's apparently only 4. i'm hoping they're mostly gone tomorrow.

going to the doctor for my wrist today. i hope to be back to typing well-- if not lifting weights-- soon.

if blogger were facebook...

my status would be

becklette jogged 1/2 a mile IN A ROW.

of course, it's not. so i'll settle for telling you. and that i weighed in at 150.8. HOORAY.

what the---?

i went to the track this morning: jogged 1/4, walked 1/4, jogged 1/4, walked 1/4, jogged 1/8, walked 1/8. did it. later we'll go for a hike. i would love to do some push-ups and sit-ups but am having this alarming pain in my wrist, so it will just be sit-ups.

and in case this doesn't carry over to weigh-in, i want the record to show that today i weighed 151.0 pounds. which means i'm down 4.6 pounds from last week and that if i manage to lose a teeny bit today i will be showing a 5-pound loss for july despite having maintained for the first several weeks.

i didn't earn this

i went to bed early last night so i could get up early and hit the track. i did that thing where i made sure i was thinking about waking up at 5:30 while i fell asleep. at 5:15 i woke up, and then i fell back asleep and had this incredibly vivid dream that i (not we) adopted a newborn. i woke up a LEETLE stressed... at 6:15.

balls.

i overate last night, too. not a ton, two or three hundred calories of sweets and tortilla chips. my husband went out. i wonder if that's boredom eating, lonesome eating or sneak eating?

and today i'm down to 152.2. if i hit 152.0 tomorrow, i'm going to adjust to 151.6 for monday so i don't look at the weekend as a freebie.

TODAY:

• actually stay in my calorie range
• drink a boatload of water
• that's it cause i have plans tonight and a very early morning

lmp

i read somewhere, a long time ago, the the first day of your period is the day to start a new diet because... i forget. whatever. does it matter? those little things stick in your head.

the past two weeks i've been lethargic and weird. off my game, for sure. i couldn't recall the date of my last period. i imagined asking for a peestick at my lady doctor appointment tomorrow (last shot!). i was pretty sure that bottle of rum/that bed with an ocean view/that six days of relaxation was going to leave me considering fajardo as a middle name for an actual human child.

meanwhile, i made my lunches for the week, slept in my workout clothes and set an alarm for 6am.

at 5:55 i got my period. of course. a relief, but also... i dunno. i'd have to get pregnant by accident to ever be pregnant, i think, so part of me sort of hopes.

...

i went to the track anyway. it was shy of 75* and it felt sooooooo gooooooooooooood. i jogged 1/4 mile TWICE with one walked in between. and i walked the 3/4 of a mile round-trip. so 1.5 miles down by 6:45 in the morning!

so this weekend i managed to eat fairly well, if high sodium, walk once (last night) and prep my lunches.

and? i maintained. 154.6.

this week i'm going to the track every morning, and jogging at least 1/2 mile, at least 3 of those mornings. i'm eating my planned foods. and i'm walking with my husband. back in the game.

...

there will be a pool party at my in-laws in 5 weeks. my sister-in-law is coming to visit. if i buckle the fuck down i can maybe make it to 145.

goal for this week is 152.6.

what i ate on my summer vacation

that's me. approximately 155 pounds (or -81) on my way to the fitness center on the first morning in puerto rico.

are you jealous of my dedication?

don't be. it only happened one more time.

HOWEVER.

both times? i jogged 1/4 mile in. a. row. JELUS?


so... post vacation i'm up to 156.4! that's SO GOOD. i mean, unless you're thinking, bitch, you were in the 150.somethings two weeks ago... which, well, yeah. and then i was in the 155.somethings when i left and today i'm WAY puffy.

(the junkiest food we ate was at the airport yesterday. it might as well have been mc d's.)

okay. as for what i actually ate. mornings meant eggs, fruit and a stray piece of bacon, sausage or potato. oh, GOD, and the coffee. lunch varied from clif z-bars to plantain chips & salsa to local beers, a fritter sampler and a puerto rican side dish sampler. (fritter, yes, means TOTALLY FRIED EVERYTHING. it was delicious.) dinners were: fried "native cheese" and a meaty flatbread pizza with a blended rum/fruit drink; peanut butter and clif bars with, well, SEVERAL cuba libres; fried native cheese with a chicken pesto panini, fries and a cuba libre; half a chicken & rice wrap and a nature valley bar; fritter sampler and half a southwestern wrap with fries and a mojito. oh, and an ice cream cone.

we went to the beach all of ONCE (the beach was on a private island and required a serious trek through the resort, a funicular ride, a wait for the ferry and a ferry ride) and the pool NONE. but we went hiking in the rainforest and spent a day in old san juan. we even got a couple's massage (hub's first!). aside from the systematic over charging and the feeling that we were about to get completely screwed, it was pretty freaking awesome.

and. i'm only up a pound and a half.

so, i'm taking running up, for real, now. like. today. because i totally can!

math FAIL

okay, okay, TODAY i'm exactly four pounds higher than i want to weigh on tuesday morning! 153.8. yesterday it was 5. UGH.

so, i'm doing fine. i'm filling up with fresh fruits and veggies (5-6 servings a day!) during work and enjoying husband-grilled dinners. there may be some slips involving leftover chocolate cheesecake, homemade peanut butter cookies and some edy's apple pie ice cream. but they have been TINY slips and, frankly, you save a lot of calories when you eat a pound and a half of fresh produce for breakfast + lunch + snacks.

it's be about a zillion degrees around here lately, so exercise isn't what it should be. but because it's been so hot, i've been experimenting with skirts and... damn. i think i'm about to buy some shorts! i don't hate my legs (except the part that will be covered by a 5" inseam)!

oh, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, hold on to your hats, ladies, i'm going to POST A PICTURE!! tonight or this weekend. because tonight my husband is buying us a new camera while i'm having my biweekly chat with dr. y! and if you gush and stuff, i might even post some from my fabulous tropical vacation NEXT WEEK.

meantime... yeah. i have a few trouble spots, and 15 or so stubborn pounds, but i feel pretty good.

despite wanting the scale to be much lowered by tuesday.

because i blew it this weekend

i haven't seen the 155.somethings in a while. i mean, except this morning. yeah, that sucked.

i really blew it this weekend. like, whoa. like i drank a bottle of wine, single-handedly, on two separate occasions. i had a sneak-eat attack on some rice krispie treats at a barbecue where i ALSO found myself sitting, shoveling ruffles into my mouth. and, after resolving to turn the weekend around on saturday, i ate two LARGE dinners worth of food at my parents' last night.

today, i've packed myself a POUND AND A HALF (literally) of fresh, raw produce. yes, that's what i plan on eating from 9 to 5. four ounces each of: green peppers, cauliflower, carrots, pineapple, strawberries and grapes. (red, orange, yellow, green, er, white and violet. a good showing by the rainbow.) dinner is grilled ham and broccoli. water is my friend.