down periscope

i need a colposcopy. again. my cervix is not trustworthy. i was trying to describe the procedure to a friend but the "microscope" part was throwing her off. it's more like a periscope. you assume The Position and the doctor spends 5-10 minutes looking over your cervix with a periscope.

i am exhausted. i don't want drama and problems. i want a routine appointment to be ROUTINE. i hate working this job, going to school and taking care of the house. i hate knowing that i'll have to do all that next year while my husband goes to school full time. i hate how he questions if it's wise to try to do "all that" in a year. (all that = 3 terms overloading at 4 classes.) while i do half of that AND work and volunteer and keep house. i hate the sinking feeling that i'll need to stay in a job i hate, working to support us instead of staying home with kids for a couple years. instead of having kids, maybe. i hate knowing that every unlikely part of this adventure has happened: abnormal pap is unlikely to need a biopsy; biopsy is unlikely to need a leep; leep cures 90% of patients... and then comes the small percentage who pass the virus on during birth. well, shit. i guess my uterus is closed for business unless i get three clear tests in the next year and a half.

.................

it's june. goals:

• pack workday lunches
• eat workday breakfasts at home
• plan weekly dinners
• run 5k#2
• run 2-3 times a week
• start swimming lessons
• get a massage
• record my p+
  

a dirty little whorebag

148.8

148.8

148.8

ERR

for a minute this morning, in the haze of my hangover, i thought for SURE the scale said 158.8. it didn't. it had a four on it. i was, to put it mildly, shocked. i planned to hop off and get my camera to record this milestone for posterity. except, ERR. so i gave it a minute.

151.6

and another minute, in case the little bitch wanted to rethink that.

152.8

ummm, yes, i'm taking 151.6. and i'm SURE it's all wine. (a high school/college friend came for dinner. we had grilled chicken caesar salad with fat free dressing, a blueberry peasant tart with a scant 1/4 cup of sugar in the whole thing and a giant bottle of fat bastard chardonnay. um, and 14 cigarettes. between us. both quitters. oops. i threw out the last 6 this morning.)

i didn't jog today, in a planned rest day, but we'll walk tonight. i had homemade whole wheat irish porter bread for a lazy breakfast, but packed chicken caesar salad, half a huge cucumber and some grapes.

i saw that four.

what i ate on my summer vacation

that's me. approximately 155 pounds (or -81) on my way to the fitness center on the first morning in puerto rico.

are you jealous of my dedication?

don't be. it only happened one more time.

HOWEVER.

both times? i jogged 1/4 mile in. a. row. JELUS?


so... post vacation i'm up to 156.4! that's SO GOOD. i mean, unless you're thinking, bitch, you were in the 150.somethings two weeks ago... which, well, yeah. and then i was in the 155.somethings when i left and today i'm WAY puffy.

(the junkiest food we ate was at the airport yesterday. it might as well have been mc d's.)

okay. as for what i actually ate. mornings meant eggs, fruit and a stray piece of bacon, sausage or potato. oh, GOD, and the coffee. lunch varied from clif z-bars to plantain chips & salsa to local beers, a fritter sampler and a puerto rican side dish sampler. (fritter, yes, means TOTALLY FRIED EVERYTHING. it was delicious.) dinners were: fried "native cheese" and a meaty flatbread pizza with a blended rum/fruit drink; peanut butter and clif bars with, well, SEVERAL cuba libres; fried native cheese with a chicken pesto panini, fries and a cuba libre; half a chicken & rice wrap and a nature valley bar; fritter sampler and half a southwestern wrap with fries and a mojito. oh, and an ice cream cone.

we went to the beach all of ONCE (the beach was on a private island and required a serious trek through the resort, a funicular ride, a wait for the ferry and a ferry ride) and the pool NONE. but we went hiking in the rainforest and spent a day in old san juan. we even got a couple's massage (hub's first!). aside from the systematic over charging and the feeling that we were about to get completely screwed, it was pretty freaking awesome.

and. i'm only up a pound and a half.

so, i'm taking running up, for real, now. like. today. because i totally can!

math FAIL

okay, okay, TODAY i'm exactly four pounds higher than i want to weigh on tuesday morning! 153.8. yesterday it was 5. UGH.

so, i'm doing fine. i'm filling up with fresh fruits and veggies (5-6 servings a day!) during work and enjoying husband-grilled dinners. there may be some slips involving leftover chocolate cheesecake, homemade peanut butter cookies and some edy's apple pie ice cream. but they have been TINY slips and, frankly, you save a lot of calories when you eat a pound and a half of fresh produce for breakfast + lunch + snacks.

it's be about a zillion degrees around here lately, so exercise isn't what it should be. but because it's been so hot, i've been experimenting with skirts and... damn. i think i'm about to buy some shorts! i don't hate my legs (except the part that will be covered by a 5" inseam)!

oh, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, hold on to your hats, ladies, i'm going to POST A PICTURE!! tonight or this weekend. because tonight my husband is buying us a new camera while i'm having my biweekly chat with dr. y! and if you gush and stuff, i might even post some from my fabulous tropical vacation NEXT WEEK.

meantime... yeah. i have a few trouble spots, and 15 or so stubborn pounds, but i feel pretty good.

despite wanting the scale to be much lowered by tuesday.

still hope

up to 152.4 today! not cool, body. not cool, self, who ordered the mu shu vegetables.

anyway. onward and downward. tonight i'll have a baked panko-crusted chicken cutlet, a small serving of pasta and salad, salad, salad. tomorrow i'll bring a veggie tray to the barbecue. sunday and monday will be all about produce, hydration and exercise.

btw, can i say this? i'm super-happy for all my newly engaged friends (we're at that age and there are four weddings brewing, plus one or two more engagements on the horizon), but... mildly jealous? i dunno, man, getting married asap was important five years ago because ooh, we were sooo in loooooove (still are!) but it would have been nice to be, like, a fully formed adult at the time. and thinner.

anywho. 150.4? eeep. but i've got 4 days.

not gonna make it

when i leave for vacation in three weeks, i hope to weigh 150.0 of less. 145.0 is... no longer viable. so. yeah. 154.6. that's... ugly.

okay, so, regroup. for next week: 153.0. that's... ugh. that's higher than i've been lately, but i'm not willing to assume it will magically go away. whatever.

today is fruit-heavy with fresh, organic raspberries from my daddy's garden (about a pint of them... at least), an apple and a kiwifruit. i'm having a giant salad with "mexican cheese blend," light sour cream and salsa for lunch. dinner is going to be a fritatta with green peppers and onions. mmmmm. i'll do a full weight circuit and a walk with my husband. and drink a ton of water.

and tomorrow will be better.

sisterhood conquers all

lately, it seems like the theme of every movie i watch ends up being sisterhood conquers all. like, as long as you've got your sister, it'll be okay. with the occasional variation re: your mother.

i gotta get something off my chest:

i do not love my sister. i do not like her and i would not be missing anything if i never saw or heard from (or OF) her again. "sister" means... basically jack shit to me. i would probably give her a kidney, but only because my brothers all enjoy contact sports and my parents would resent me forever if i didn't. and they would have to promise to keep us in SEPARATE recovery rooms. seriously. and i'd like to be out before we get into the or.

as a result, i am in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad place. i was forced, yesterday, to interact with the bitch. in my f'ing HOME, no less. so i did what anybody would do (the same as what i did at my baby brother's graduation party two weeks ago.) i got rip, roaring drunk and pretended she was any other girl i don't like and made EXTRA nice.

today, frankly, i feel terrible. not hung over, thanks to the four hours i spent lying awake between 1 and 5 wishing i could get cool enough to sleep and biding my time drinking water. depressed. anxious. miserable and angry that no one-- NO ONE-- seems to care that i don't want her in my life. today, i want to run far, far away and never come back.

debbie downer what?

my weight is also up. 154.2 is two pounds up from last week's low and 2.4 up from where i'd hoped to be tomorrow. i didn't walk over the weekend, or lift. i ate crap and had two of what passes for a binge in my life: once when my husband went out on saturday i ate ice cream out of the carton and several slices of toast with butter and last night after eating a delightful and satisfying linner (lunch/dinner), i made-- and practically INHALED-- a bacon & cheddar sandwich.

oh, and internet? i bought a pack of smokes. i've consumed 6 of them. and it took LOTS of willpower (with a side of exhaustion) to not smoke one this morning when my husband was in the shower.

look. i've been down this road before. and you know what? i'm NOT going to run away and never come back. and xyz event (weight loss, moving, grad school, a baby) is not going to make everything magically better. when i come out of this, as i most likely will, i will wish i'd soldiered on. so i am.

we have no leftover sandwiches (!!) from the party, but we have leftover veggies and hummus and various leftover ingredients (bacon, cheese, chopped onions, caramelized onions). so, i'm eating veggies and hummus and cheese for lunch a couple days. yum! and i'll walk tonight and lift and walk tomorrow. i think we're having omelets for dinner, or maybe a fritatta. i've got peppers and onions to get rid of and about 15 eggs.

maybe tomorrow my body will reward me for bouncing back. maybe not. i guess we'll see.

japanese food

mister man and i are getting japanese food tonight. i. can't. wait.

have i told you i feel like the world's pickiest eater? i do. i'm weird about flavors and textures. i don't eat whole wide categories of foods: seafood, melon, baby things, things with their faces still attached. so, when we go for japanese, i get... hibachi veggie fried rice. healthy, right? and, no, before you ask, i don't even like the vegetable sushi. sushi skeeves me. so, fried rice and spring rolls for me.

there was a time when we ate out three or more times a week. in a two week cycle we'd have pizza twice, chinese food twice, japanese once (it's more expensive), thai once (i like it less) and maybe wawa sandwiches once or twice. now, it's a planned indulgence. it's celebratory, actually. wednesday was our five year--gag-- date-a-versary. my husband and i met on june 11, 2005 and by the 16th, we were inseparable. so, now, when i've set up my whole week to support a dinner out? god, i'm nervous. what if i bloat? what if my guesstimates are very badly wrong (i've used ck numbers for foods from large, chain pan-asian restaurants) and i'm going over by a zillion calories? what if... what if...

i had a little bounce back today to 152.6. it's weird... i thought... well, i thought i'd be thinner at this weight. that's all. i'm still holding on to hope for 151.8 by monday.

tomorrow will be fine. good, actually, since we'll be busy little bees getting ready for our big fathers' day lunch. but sunday? fraught. my fil, smil, gmil, parents, brothers, sister, her partner and her mother are coming. wtf? i'm so intensely stressed. my sister has not been to my apartment since 2006. her partner has NEVER been and seriously, the mother? i think i met once. i'm positively stunned that they're coming AND that my sister had the nerve to add a plus one. my apartment doesn't really seat 13. or, you know, 6. this is going to be super-stressful. PLUS i'll need to work out the nutrition for all of my homemade food. gah. i'm so overwhelmed.

151.8. totally doable, right??

losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.

...

154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.

less

today i weight LESS than i did when i was at my lowest weight in college. less, probably, than i ever did in high school. i might have weighed this little in... 8th grade? or 7th? maybe younger.

goal for monday is 153.8, and i have only to lose ONE POUND to get there.

bloggies, i am less than 10 pounds away from my "healthy" weight range and my july 12th goal. i am less than 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal-- the weight that just seems so low i can't imagine ever actually weighing it. i'm going to be there in september.

i can't stress enough how much i believe that consistent exercise is the reason for this. i've been working out regularly for about 5 months now-- undoubtedly the longest stretch i've gone in... ever. i've been doing AT LEAST one really, really hard workout a week (up to 3 the weeks i was training with bk AND taking spinning) and probably 5 or 6 workouts total, even if they were mostly half hour walks around the neighborhood. and, yes, having my partner be my PARTNER in this is just, wow, it's huge.

this week, i've made a couple new rules for myself:

1. ice cream OR beer- we've been blessed with an abundance of good, free beer, and friends, we are beer people. we've also discovered the joy of edy's slow churned light ice cream (on sale or i never would have bought it). and as much as i could excuse having a serving of ice cream and a beer because they fit in my calories? i shouldn't. i should not be getting two or more treats every day. some days, sure. but every day? most? no.
   
2. weight training on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays- since bk has been working at two gyms, taking arborist certification classes and, now, getting a job as an arborist, he doesn't have time to train his big sister for a measly $10 an hour. fortunately, his big sister foresaw this happening eventually and bought herself some heavy weights. unfortunately, without the need to coordinate with him, she's let her weight training slip to once a week or less. so, i didn't do it yesterday because of time constraints, but going forward, i'll do my weights on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays (when i don't have dr. y).

i think that these are two rules that i can follow long term. like... forever. my other goals for this week are to get at least 30 minutes of cardio a day, hit my calorie and nutritional targets and be very mindful at the parties this weekend.

153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8...

just the way i am

today, i am happy with my body.

i'm up .4 pounds from yesterday, but i don't care. my knees are still too fat to wear my riding boots, but that's okay. i'm still "overweight" by a good 15 pounds, but that's fine by me.

tonight we're going right from work to an alumni weekend event at hub's alma mater. it's a mural tour of the city, followed by a tour of a local brewery and a reception at a local concert venue. i wanted to look nice so... i reached into my closet and grabbed a pretty mauve-ish top and a charcoal gray sweater. and put them on. and knew i looked nice.

have i mentioned that i'm wearing jeans i bought in 2003? when i was at my lowest weight? because i am. in 2003 i wanted to lose 20 more pounds (to hit 135). now, i'd be pretty thrilled to lose 19 more (to hit 140). but i'm CONTENT. this is a good size for me. i look good, i feel good, i rocked the shit out of my spinning class last night. this is good.

yes, of course, the backwings, the cottage cheesey thighs, the goddamn knee fat. but ya know? i'm probably going to wear mostly jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops anyway. i'm fine.


...............


yesterday, independent of one another, two of my friends told me they were proud of me for how far i'd come. two people understand that it's a fight, every day, and not just a case of not drinking soda and parking farther away from the mall.

i'm grateful to both of them, for seeing it.

and i'm proud of me, too.

jumped the weigh-in gun

okay, okay. TODAY is weigh-in day. and TODAY i'm at 159.0. still, no complaints from me. i'm wearing a medium tank, a medium top and gap size 12a jeans from... 2003. a little out of style, a little unflattering, a little reminder of when my life was on a wild upswing (i had be cast as understudy to a fantastic role, my play was being produced, i had lots of loving friends and had lost 30 pounds... and then the shit hit the fan).

so. this is great. i look, well, thin. i feel great. i could stay here, if not for the batwings and thigh lumps, and, hi, a little definition in the calf areas would be swell. if i never intended to wear anything other than jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops, i'd stay here for realsies.

but i'm still pushing. here's what for:

• i really want to lose 4 pounds before may 22. totally doable.
• i definitely need to finally finish c25k by july.
• i'd love to drop another 10 pounds by then and hit the beach feeling really good.
• i need to bring the weight-loss part of my life to a close by september, and i want to be between 135-140 pounds-- another 5-10 pound loss after july's goal.

tonight i have w2, wo2 scheduled. and a half hour walk with my husband. tomorrow i spin and add a 1/2 hour of weights. thursday we're going to an alumni weekend even at BNGS (where my husband did his undergrad): beer. friday i have high hopes that w2, wo3 will keep me from stuffing my face at a jewelry demo. saturday, a morning walk and weight workout should keep my from eating myself to death at a first communion party. SELTZER. srsly.

i spent most of the night running from vampires

sometimes i wake up exhausted after DREAMING that i'm being really active. last night it was being chased by vampires, knowing that there was a safe place and i could find it, but not knowing how to get there.

it was like 30 days of night + daybreakers / buffy the vampire slayer with a sprinkle of college.

i am tired.

my weight is up a bit from friday's low, but nothing to be concerned about. i did PRETTY WELL on my plan for the weekend. a quick roundup:

• i did c25k week 1, workout 1 on friday night!
• saturday i made breakfast: turkey bacon, scrambled egg + white, ezekiel toast.
• lunch was wawa sandwiches. hubs downsized to a whole wheat shortie meatball sub and i hit upon the genius idea to get a turkey junior with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickles-- no cheese or oil. it was delicious and fresh and flavorful for 200 calories!
• dinner i planned for 2 ipas and a burger with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickle. i went over by ONE piece of italian potato salad, ONE dorito, two damn chocolates and a bowl of nutella mousse... which. sigh. i intended to clean the kitchen while the family ate dessert. when i came back to the table, my mother had placed a custard bowl at my place and... i tasted it. and then i ate it. it was amazing.
  
• i planed to do wo 2 on sunday morning but i slept too late and had to get ready for ssil's shower instead. i decided not to drink at the shower so i could wog after.
  
• but i spent, in addition to the three and a half hour shower, three hours in the car while my mother bitched and moaned about how everyone (including my poor, innocent ssil, whose shower & wedding my mother has been OBSESSED with going to!) was "eating" her weekend. and about how she needed to lose 14 pounds. the irony of her pie/weekend metaphor was lost on her. i had two glasses of wine.
  
• and then i took a nap & recreated the bacon & egg meal for my dinner.
  

and now it's today!

everyone noticed how amazing i looked in my red dress. alas, my camera is dead. like... DEAD dead. i thought it was just the battery. we're looking for the service plan and hoping it was for 2 years. but i WANTED to show you.

so... 165 for real today and i'm sliding back into consistency today. i have dinner planned out and bk tonight. i think i can end march at least as low as i ended february, but on a trustworthy scale.


ps-- expect some radio silence tomorrow because i have that follow-up test in the morning and, well, i'm gonna take a xanax or four, which means i'll probably sleep the rest of the day. wish me luck!

i lied: a fast story

shortly before i met him, my husband lost some 80 pounds by fasting on alternate days. yes, really. when we met, he was about 220 (and 5'11") and felt really good about himself-- which is apparently why this mild-mannered, nearly shy man apparently felt totally confident offer a girl he'd just met a ride home tomorrow if she'd come out to the bar after the wedding. ummm, yeah. ANYWAY.

by OUR wedding, about 15 months later (yes, really) he was probably about 315. he ate every day; i cooked all the foods i thought would impress him: mac & cheese, lasagna, garlic mashed potatoes, etc., etc., etc. ...

don't worry, i did some damage myself during that time. in the first half of it, i gained 50 pounds. yes. really.

it's been 3.5 years (monday!) since then and, as y'all know, i've lost 70something (70.6 today) pounds. he? has probably gained 25. only, it really wasn't all my fault. i cook much healthier now! there's hardly ever a cream sauce! it's just that, well, he doesn't really eat breakfast, has a sandwich and 3 pieces of fruit during the day, twice as much as i have at dinner, a snack or two before bed, and rarely moves. i mean... kind of at all. he deeply resents anything that causes perspiration. which is damn near everything when you're 340 pounds. or at least, 340 pounds and in no shape at all.

we've all probably heard (or heard of) people who want to tell their spouse, dude, you got FAT: fix it! and if you've ever been anyone's fat spouse, fat kid or fat friend, you know that HE ALREADY KNOWS. and will do something about it when he (or she) damn well pleases. it was on the ck discussion boards twice in the past week-- women worried that their husband's size medium tee shirts showed a lil belly at the hem! worried that he dares to think he is healthy just because he runs 6 miles four times a week, but he eats seconds at dinner! worried that his little fat-n-happy gut, or maybe his little beer belly will give him high cholesterol (correlation does not = causation, folks)! i'm not trying to mock their fears, it's just... i shop for 3xls. my husband declines to walk anywhere, even once when our rent was going to be late if he didn't, he asked me to drop it off, and our landlord is less than a mile away. my husband stops breathing at night with increasing frequency for increasing lengths of time.

i told him.

of course i did! how can you expect me to take my own advice??

but i told him the facts, about his breathing. about his discomfort. about his sadness. about my fears. and then? i backed the fuck off. that was... oh, six weeks ago? or more?

last night he did the dishes. after he finished he lay in bed and i knew something was wrong. he was exhausted. from doing the dishes. granted, there were a lot, but i guess he saw some pictures lately on stalkerbook that didn't make him feel very good.

today, he's fasting. but he doesn't intend to do it every other day-- just occasionally. he does not want to eat snacks anymore. he would like me to make only two servings of dinner from now on. he's not eating breakfast. we're going shopping for heavier weights this weekend.

this is the decision he has made, so this is what he's going to do. it's not my favorite, but he already knows.

i will make him one serving of dinner. i will help him in anyway that he asks. and i will buy a box of those special k candy/protein bars to eat for dinner when he is fasting because i know for a fact it is cruel to cook when someone in the tiny apartment can't eat.


...


so. what's goin' on??

this weekend my gay uncle is in town. YOWSER. he's been around a lot lately because his sister is dying. it's awful sad. but we're irish! we just DROWN our feelings!

saturday is the big day-- that day he's visiting his sister in hospice and then we're having a big dinner and, oh, the BOOOOOZE. my big plan? lean & green, seltzer like it's going out of style. drinks AFTER the meal. not exactly fail-safe, i know, but it's a PLAN. sunday is the shower for my stepsister-in-law. i expect the food to kind of suck since it's being held at a jersey italian place. probably buffet. certainly open bar. i'm thinking, same deal: lean & green, club soda, one drink, one dessert. it will help that i'm going to wear a DRESS and some WICKED heels that my love gave me for my birthday (i know it says 2.5"+, but i promise it's about 4")-- crazy heels don't lend themselves to running back and forth to the bar OR getting so drunk that walking is difficult. and the dress hasn't fit since 2003.

she runs marathons

my girlfriend from high school called me a few weeks ago. out of the blue. we were close in high school and she visited me once in college, but we're not phone people. and i assumed she'd stuck with the crowd that randomly decided they hated me, oh, halfway through the senior week that i had organized. so i went to her house last night.

kt has always been athletic. and brilliant. and talented. just to give you an idea? she performed in the local pro production of the nutcracker (as a kid) for 6 years, she got a 1590 sat, is applying to med school, never cracked a book through 4 years at an ivy league school and didn't fail anything, plays golf, sight-reads and plays the piano, can walk into any pick-up game of anything and be awesome, and is just generally frickin perfect. lately, she's been competing in triathlons. "just sprints!" she protests. and last year she ran the dc marathon.

her advice to me? just sign up for a 5k in... may. may will be plenty of time. i laughed in her face, of course, because IT IS MARCH. but it irritated that little nagging question i've had... will it be easier? will THIS be the time jogging doesn't suck dirty balls for me? could i lace up my shoes and do week one of c25k without dying right now?

and i'm kinda thinking YES. so... i'm going to try. er, friday. (tonight i spin, tomorrow i have session 11 with bk with a walk home, so, friday.)

so... yeah. it's earlier than i'd planned to get back to it, but the weather is unbeatable and i feel good about it. plus, i'd love to lose 10-15 pounds before the Big Family Wedding.

and, btw, down another pound today to 166. le sigh. maybe i'll keep up this pace for a couple more days and get to that pretty number mom's scale gave me...

comfort

i'm under a ton of stress right now. and it's all birthday stress.

like i said yesterday, i am totally cool with my age. 26? is NOTHING. i feel great, i LOOK younger than... ever. i'm happy. i'm going to grad school and growing into a sense of style. growing my hair out. it's good.

but my birthday?

let me tell you the story of my birthday... i get all excited, plan something big & really nice for the people invited. 1/3 of them come (or fewer! last year it was ONE-- thanks tra!). i am humiliated. and then i get in a fight with my fil, unrelated to my humiliation. so this year, we planned to be out of town. but... that turned out to be way too expensive. so we planned to take a day trip. then my mom insisted on doing a big thing at her house and i got her to invite my inlaws to kill two birds with one awkward dinner. then friends of my husband's invited us over some time this week. i told him to tell them THURSDAY or FRIDAY. he said FRIDAY or SATURDAY. they, naturally, picked saturday. so i told him that it was fine but that he should be aware that it will be awkward for them to realize that it's my birthday. so he told them and they decided to have a small party. and... shit is hitting the fan. my husband and e are doing a lot of the planning but i'm freaking out. i don't WANT a party. i don't want to be humiliated again. and i don't want to buy a keg, but NO WAY am i having a byo at 26... and it's rough.

so i had a good cry and ate a few chocolate wafer cookies. and worked out with bk.

yesterday i took my wedding, engagement and right-hand rings to be re-sized. my engagement ring was a 7, my wedding band an 8 and my right-hand ring an 8.5. so, my wedding set are going to be a SIX AND A QUARTER and my sparkles are going down to a 7. ho. ly. shit. that's a big difference. (i also had a diamond stud cut off and repaired and a bracelet repaired. i've been saving up my jewelry repairs.) but now, without my wedding jewelry, i feel NAKED. and lately i've become accustomed to twirling them around all the time. i keep reaching for them for comfort and panicking.

this weekend... i have to focus. on stopping when i'm full. on enjoying everything. on not self-hating. and on hydrating to avoid hangover.

14, 12, 10, 8, 26, 27, 2!

last night i learned two things:

1. i am becoming more optimistic... through PRACTICE. fake it 'til you make it, baby.
2. i am decidedly pear-shaped. or, at least, thick of thigh.

so... for WHATEVER reason, we all start cycling at like ten of eight. we're all up there, pedaling away. hm is walking around doing the fitness instructor patter ("how'd it feel last week?" "great form!" "let me adjust your seat, there, isn't that better?") and we all sort of giggle and wonder why we came back. by the time we're into the actual workout, though, it's already like 8:15. e looks at me and looks at the clock meaningfully. meaning oh holy fucknuts we're all going to diiiiiie. except the skinny bitches up front. i'm like, rock on! we're 1/3 of the way done!by the last climb at 8:40 i can see everyone is losing form, huffing and puffing and generally ready for this to be OV. ER. i feel the same way, but i see myself in the mirror and smile because, hello? i feel incredible! i look damn good! and i haven't had to sit down!

and at that point i just want to shake all those sad-face people and be like, HI! HAVE YOU MET YOUR AMAZING BODY? SMILE! AND DON'T SACRIFICE FORM!

(and then i would have to kill myself because, well, i hate people who tell other people how to feel or behave. it's awful.)

i don't know if i've made this clear around here, but i'm still rocking the size 14s (since august!) despite being about 10 pounds from where size 12s required a belt in '04. it's coming off in a different order this time. when i say 14s i refer to jeans, the uniform of my life. i work in a very casual office. i'm not really a sweatpants-at-home person, either, it's jeans or pajamas. i rarely go anywhere too dressy for jeans. i wore size 12 pants at halloween. it seems my mom was right all those years when she was telling me your jeans size is a size bigger than your regular pants size. i also wore a size 12 skirt to my uncle's funeral in december.

when i was down to 155 in '03-'04, i bought this dress. it's from ann taylor, my secret lover, where i worked at the time. it's a dark red cotton vee-neck number with tonal embroidery at the hem and is generally very, very pretty. a 10. i wore it once, opening night of a play i understudied in, basically the peak of my theater career, and never had another occasion. or, at least, that it FIT for. the next summer, i knew i was closer to a 14 than a 10, but ann had an incredible deal on this brown eyelet slip/sheath dress with a fuchsia underlay. and i'd just bought fuchsia pumps-- also at a great discount-- and, oh, i would lose the weight! no problem! bought it in a ten. it's never fit me. i loaned it to a skinny friend for a PAGEANT. (she didn't win, but the dress was a hit.)

of course, you know about my most recent "goal dress" foolishness. an 8! clearly somebody's on crack around here.

so, last night, after spinning, i was looking at it. it hangs (in plastic) on my bedroom door and i was just gazing at it. god, i hoped it would fit. only 2.5 months! i can conservatively hope to lose 10 pounds in that time. it will be okay, right??

my husband talked me in to trying it on.

it fit. of course, it's a-line, but the top was perfect! i could use some smoothing, but that's what spanx are for!

so i tried the brown eyelet. it's pretty sheathy, straight up and down. it fit. the red cotton? i'm wearing it to the ssil's shower in two weeks. DOING IT.

i feel SO. FUCKING. GOOD. i don't even care that i won't know what i weigh for sure for two weeks. i'm keeping on keeping on. if i lose 10, 15 or 20 pounds by The Wedding, all the better, but MAN. things fit. i'm fit.

so, this is very long, BUT. i need to outline my PLANNED post for today, too.

in two days i turn 26. i know, it's not old! don't freak out! i'm not. i feel, like i said, incredible. YOUNG. so i'm cool. but i want some things to HAPPEN during my 27th year. i know i will start grad school, and i need to have my weight settled by then. i need those two years to be maintenance time. so i want to carve out a goal place by september. i'd like it to be 135, but, really, i think i could be very happy at 145 or 150. i want to run a 5k and maybe a 10k. i want to learn how to swim properly. and i want to move to a 2-bedroom or bigger place.

compliments from my mother

"there's nothing left of you!"

she really said that. my mother, who used to be defined on the sidebar as mommie dearest- the source of all shame. i realize that doesn't come close to describing my relationship with my mother, but what could? how can you define a relationship with your MOTHER? but the fact of the matter is, to my mom i am still part of her. despite my adult voice and my true nose, she still thinks of me as being a bit of HER that's out there walking around without permission. it takes a lot from me for her to approve. she won't be impressed that i got into Big Name Grad School until i graduate. she won't be proud of me for trying to run until i succeed. it's taken 70 pounds for her to comment favorably on my weight loss (f'ed up, i know, but she's one of those people for whom "you're too skinny!" is a compliment, i swear).

and her scale put me at 162.0.

i'm taking it, because she has the same scale as my (broken) one and it will be two weeks or more until mine arrives (goddamn super saver shipping). i weighed myself there yesterday at 6pm, probably dehydrated. but shit, man. i look good. i'm not kidding. i believe it.

i like a nice foot.... er, a round number, i mean

okay. -70 is good. it's a solid loss. it's what i've been saying i've "just about" lost since... fourth of july? goddamn, i need to get a move on. tonight i have bk! tomorrow spinning! thursday rest, friday more spinning! it's getting easy to hit my calories-- i've bulked up my breakfast AGAIN to include my awesome french toast AND turkey bacon AND grapefruit.

so... today i go to the, ahem, lady doctor. dr. l is PHENOMENAL. i love her. i love her because she respects my anxiety and has her ma come and hold my hand during the pap. i love her because it takes her exactly point three seconds to get in, get her sample and get out. i love her because everytime she sees me, she exclaims at how much weight i've lost.

dr. l was the first person i discussed my weight with. i was just engaged and planning to have babies pretty much right away. maybe we'd wait a year. but, oh! fat = infertility! and = ceserean! and = spina bifida! and = gestational diabetes! (not really, i know that now.) so i cried in her office that i wanted to have BAAAAAAAAAAAYBEEEEEEEES and to do that i'd have to lose 100 pounds, right? tell me that's not true, pleeeeeeeeeease? she pulled out a little chart, "oh NO," she assured me, "i'd just like to see you at 145." i was, at the time, 236. that's 91 pounds.

now the plan is totally different. no babies til you graduate, that's the rule. that means i could take 2.5 years losing these last 21 pounds. which is good, because a pound a month is just about where i've been...

i feel sort of silly going back to her. i'd expected to have at least one kid by now. (to be fair, all of our friends have kids. like, ALL. except for two couples who are much younger than we and not married.) and every year, after she exclaims about my weight loss, but before she feels me up, she asks about those imaginary babies. i hope i don't cry this year.

so, focus: make it through my pap. meet my targets (calories, nutrition & water). kick my serious arm day's ass. get hyped up to SPIIIIIIN tomorrow.

i've always sort of thought starvation mode was a crock...

so, basically, i've never believed in the starvation mode thing. i mean, sure, over an extended period of time, low to no body fat to burn, whatever, whatever... but the whole thing where if you slip under the magical 1200 calories a day you'll suddenly STOP losing weight? a crock. i'm pretty sure. but, you know, that's not really to say i think not eating anything is a good plan. i'm all for proper nutrition. and food is f'ing delicious.

i've been on 1200 a day since... january 4th. ish. and i've found it impossible to hold a loss. i've also been working out pretty hard in the strength training department. and next week (WEDNESDAY) i'll be tossing in some serious cardio. i just thought, look, calorieking says i should be eating 1350, my mom's cult says i should be eating 1350, maybe i should be eating 1350? i switched my target while lowering my fat target and increasing my protein target. (hello? i need to recover. i saw that on olympics biggest loser!)

this morning, i had the most amazing breakfast: 2 slices of ezekiel raisin bread dipped in 1/3 cup of egg whites with 1/2 tsp sugar, a splash of vanilla and a sprinkle of cinnamon cooked on a lightly buttered griddle. i think it comes to like 255 calories? with the protein of 2 egg whites? plus whatever's in the bread? not too shabby. and DELICIOUS.

it's going to be tough to fill in the calorie blanks without going over my fat, but that's the point, isn't it? i meant to eat some (pre-sectioned) grapefruit this morning, but i forgot. oops. lunch is turkey chili (from a can). daily snacks are: 2 clementines, a jazz apple, 12 almonds & 8 reduced guilt woven wheats. dinner will be at ruby tuesday's before dr. y. i sometimes have the petite sirloin... and i don't know what i'll have today.

so far, my husband and e (the girlfriend i'm taking the spinning classes with) have commented that i'll lose a TON of weight spinning an hour twice a week and lifting an hour twice a week. god, i hope they're right.

focus: water, nutrients, calories. rest up for a "serious leg day" tomorrow!