uncool

so, you know how i spent much of last week bleeding from my surgery? lucky me, guess what time of the month it is... by my post-op appointment on the 11th, i will be wishing i'd bought stock in always.

just the way i am

today, i am happy with my body.

i'm up .4 pounds from yesterday, but i don't care. my knees are still too fat to wear my riding boots, but that's okay. i'm still "overweight" by a good 15 pounds, but that's fine by me.

tonight we're going right from work to an alumni weekend event at hub's alma mater. it's a mural tour of the city, followed by a tour of a local brewery and a reception at a local concert venue. i wanted to look nice so... i reached into my closet and grabbed a pretty mauve-ish top and a charcoal gray sweater. and put them on. and knew i looked nice.

have i mentioned that i'm wearing jeans i bought in 2003? when i was at my lowest weight? because i am. in 2003 i wanted to lose 20 more pounds (to hit 135). now, i'd be pretty thrilled to lose 19 more (to hit 140). but i'm CONTENT. this is a good size for me. i look good, i feel good, i rocked the shit out of my spinning class last night. this is good.

yes, of course, the backwings, the cottage cheesey thighs, the goddamn knee fat. but ya know? i'm probably going to wear mostly jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops anyway. i'm fine.


...............


yesterday, independent of one another, two of my friends told me they were proud of me for how far i'd come. two people understand that it's a fight, every day, and not just a case of not drinking soda and parking farther away from the mall.

i'm grateful to both of them, for seeing it.

and i'm proud of me, too.

jumped the weigh-in gun

okay, okay. TODAY is weigh-in day. and TODAY i'm at 159.0. still, no complaints from me. i'm wearing a medium tank, a medium top and gap size 12a jeans from... 2003. a little out of style, a little unflattering, a little reminder of when my life was on a wild upswing (i had be cast as understudy to a fantastic role, my play was being produced, i had lots of loving friends and had lost 30 pounds... and then the shit hit the fan).

so. this is great. i look, well, thin. i feel great. i could stay here, if not for the batwings and thigh lumps, and, hi, a little definition in the calf areas would be swell. if i never intended to wear anything other than jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops, i'd stay here for realsies.

but i'm still pushing. here's what for:

• i really want to lose 4 pounds before may 22. totally doable.
• i definitely need to finally finish c25k by july.
• i'd love to drop another 10 pounds by then and hit the beach feeling really good.
• i need to bring the weight-loss part of my life to a close by september, and i want to be between 135-140 pounds-- another 5-10 pound loss after july's goal.

tonight i have w2, wo2 scheduled. and a half hour walk with my husband. tomorrow i spin and add a 1/2 hour of weights. thursday we're going to an alumni weekend even at BNGS (where my husband did his undergrad): beer. friday i have high hopes that w2, wo3 will keep me from stuffing my face at a jewelry demo. saturday, a morning walk and weight workout should keep my from eating myself to death at a first communion party. SELTZER. srsly.

teamwork

i have to be honest. i don't know how this happened, but i'm 158.6 today.

okay, i have an inkling. we spent the whole weekend together, save about 4 hours when he was at band practice. i felt... weird. rude, almost, eating in front of him. so i only ate when i was really, quite sincerely hungry. HOW F'ING NOVEL! and i ate (mostly) what FELT FOODISH. there was, more than once, ezekiel bread with natural peanut butter and a banana. there were a couple of eggs, some turkey bacon, even a potato shredded and fried, and, yes, a handful of chocolate chips.

but i've been eating low according to calorieking. the lazy weekend days found me coming in at 1000-1200 calories. i dunno, man. i wasn't hungry. i wasn't dizzy or sleepy or headachey. i think... it's okay. especially on days when i lay around.

my husband's loss is hovering around 18 pounds. he's displeased. i can't say i blame him, but he seems to think he could "lose a pound a day just by taking a walk" and skip the calorie restriction. i have to disagree... but i try not to be the know-it-all. i don't think he quite gets how HUGE it is to be losing that much-- we're talking about 10 days here-- he only sees where he wants to be (220) and not how he's going to get there (a pound a day is a solid start, no?).

good morning campers!

so. okay. where the fuck are we??

let's start with me, and then you can feel free to chime in. but you probably won't. 24 followers and many hits a day, but nobody says a damn thing. anyway. me.

• tmi, but, oh, so true. i am bleeding slightly worse than a normal period. but... i don't have my period yet. as far as i know. i'm in a lot of pain, too. this sucks monkey balls.
• tmi some more: i'm constipated because, um, moving, you know, THEM, puts painful pressure on the general region that's bleeding. yes, even if i take something to help.
• that's the last tmi.
  
• i haven't heard the all-clear from my doctor yet. today is a week. this means... it's still remotely possible that i have cancer.
  
• my husband is on a (medically aided) (as in, with medicine) diet and has lost 14 pounds in 6 days. FOURTEEN. can everybody spell jealous? at this rate, which, i expect, will slow down, but STILL, if it doesn't, he will reach his goal weight in about 35 days. motherfucker.
  
• him being on a diet means WE'RE not snacking at night, except for the 1/3 of a cup of ice cream we each have. you read that right: less than a serving. LESS.
• which is awesome for me because i might actually be down to 160 by next weigh in.
• oh, yeah, totally not gonna be 140 for The Wedding, new goal: 155.
• that's 1.25 pounds a week.
  
• doable. even if i can't workout as hard.
  
• also means no way am i going to be 135 in july when i *hope* we'll be going on a fabulous, all-inclusive caribbean vacation. new goal: 145.
• that's 1.5ish pounds a week.
• doable, if i work out.
• new timeline for 135 (or end, in any event): mid-september when we go to mil's for a last pre-grad school hurrah.
• that's about another 1.25 pounds per week.
• OKAY. and. i did my fafsa. (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay)
• that's about it.

what's new with you?


(ps-- of course i'm all kinds of anxious for no good reason today. that's always why i do bullet posts.)

um, oops.

so, at my husband's insistence yesterday i called my gyn to see when i could exercise again.

a week.

oh... so... not three days?

didja notice my loss??

of course not. because it was .2 pounds. uncool.