comfort

i'm under a ton of stress right now. and it's all birthday stress.

like i said yesterday, i am totally cool with my age. 26? is NOTHING. i feel great, i LOOK younger than... ever. i'm happy. i'm going to grad school and growing into a sense of style. growing my hair out. it's good.

but my birthday?

let me tell you the story of my birthday... i get all excited, plan something big & really nice for the people invited. 1/3 of them come (or fewer! last year it was ONE-- thanks tra!). i am humiliated. and then i get in a fight with my fil, unrelated to my humiliation. so this year, we planned to be out of town. but... that turned out to be way too expensive. so we planned to take a day trip. then my mom insisted on doing a big thing at her house and i got her to invite my inlaws to kill two birds with one awkward dinner. then friends of my husband's invited us over some time this week. i told him to tell them THURSDAY or FRIDAY. he said FRIDAY or SATURDAY. they, naturally, picked saturday. so i told him that it was fine but that he should be aware that it will be awkward for them to realize that it's my birthday. so he told them and they decided to have a small party. and... shit is hitting the fan. my husband and e are doing a lot of the planning but i'm freaking out. i don't WANT a party. i don't want to be humiliated again. and i don't want to buy a keg, but NO WAY am i having a byo at 26... and it's rough.

so i had a good cry and ate a few chocolate wafer cookies. and worked out with bk.

yesterday i took my wedding, engagement and right-hand rings to be re-sized. my engagement ring was a 7, my wedding band an 8 and my right-hand ring an 8.5. so, my wedding set are going to be a SIX AND A QUARTER and my sparkles are going down to a 7. ho. ly. shit. that's a big difference. (i also had a diamond stud cut off and repaired and a bracelet repaired. i've been saving up my jewelry repairs.) but now, without my wedding jewelry, i feel NAKED. and lately i've become accustomed to twirling them around all the time. i keep reaching for them for comfort and panicking.

this weekend... i have to focus. on stopping when i'm full. on enjoying everything. on not self-hating. and on hydrating to avoid hangover.