down periscope

i need a colposcopy. again. my cervix is not trustworthy. i was trying to describe the procedure to a friend but the "microscope" part was throwing her off. it's more like a periscope. you assume The Position and the doctor spends 5-10 minutes looking over your cervix with a periscope.

i am exhausted. i don't want drama and problems. i want a routine appointment to be ROUTINE. i hate working this job, going to school and taking care of the house. i hate knowing that i'll have to do all that next year while my husband goes to school full time. i hate how he questions if it's wise to try to do "all that" in a year. (all that = 3 terms overloading at 4 classes.) while i do half of that AND work and volunteer and keep house. i hate the sinking feeling that i'll need to stay in a job i hate, working to support us instead of staying home with kids for a couple years. instead of having kids, maybe. i hate knowing that every unlikely part of this adventure has happened: abnormal pap is unlikely to need a biopsy; biopsy is unlikely to need a leep; leep cures 90% of patients... and then comes the small percentage who pass the virus on during birth. well, shit. i guess my uterus is closed for business unless i get three clear tests in the next year and a half.

.................

it's june. goals:

• pack workday lunches
• eat workday breakfasts at home
• plan weekly dinners
• run 5k#2
• run 2-3 times a week
• start swimming lessons
• get a massage
• record my p+