mkay.

my ability to for coherent thoughts has been miraculously returned to me. maybe.

so, i am clearly VERY bummed about my stay-the-same. honestly, i worked my ass off and i got my little green checks nearly every day! i can't help but think... was it the second glass of wine? the brownie? can going over your calorie limit by 300 calories FOR THE WEEK, really fuck up my day THAT MUCH? i should be losing two pounds a week! i should be 162 this week! i weighed two pounds less than this last. frigging. year.

sometimes (like NOW) i feel like i have no idea how i got here. like it was just a lot of dumb luck. what's worse is that HERE is a place i'm pretty familiar with. HERE is where i spent high school. HERE is where i was six years ago. HERE is not the end, or the goal or even someplace i think i wouldn't hate. HERE is the sucktastic world of stretch marked knees and floppy tummy and size 14s.

don't get me wrong, i'm not sitting here thinking, well, shit, i might as well be a 20 if i'm going to be a 14! i'm really not. but i am thinking i just want to be a 10!

my dress came yesterday. it fit. i mean... it zipped. no problem. it doesn't look as good as it will WHEN i lose 20 pounds, but it goes on. i could pull it off with a shrug and some restrictive undergarments. that's pretty cool. but i need to lose 20 pounds. and i can't.

i'm honestly baffled right now. i have no idea why i can't seem to lose weight. i want to go back to my doctor and BEG her for help, but last time i was there they informed me that i had, in fact, lost three pounds in six months and maybe i should try alli? she had a patient who lost fifteen pounds with absolutely no side effects...

i want to punch things. i want to eat things. i mean, shit, if i'm not going to lose any weight, why don't i get to have something i ENJOY once in a while??

or was that 360 calorie brownie last night the reason i didn't lose?

but i'm focusing. really. i am. i'm drinking my water. i'm eating my planned meals. i'm exercising. i'm going to have a nice friend date tonight, with ONE drink, and tomorrow i'm going to follow the plan and prep for my grad school interview. which, ps, is thursday morning.