depression

yesterday, we allowed ourselves to sleep as late as we wanted. the mister slept until 11. i did, too. but then i stayed in bed until nearly three. and i thought a thought i don't think i've ever thought before: i'm depressed.

i mean, i KNOW i'm depressed. i suffer from depression. i'm in treatment for depression. i can identify times in my life when i have been depressed. but i've never, like, identified it when it was happening before.

i'm working now on identifying the stresses. so far i've got:

• i have officially done everything i can to get into grad school and now it's waiting.
• my husband's grad school application process came upon us rather suddenly and is just beginning.
• my body is a pill-free cycling rockstar! which means that i wake up feeling just fine every fourth saturday and by noon i'm feeling fat and gross and sore and tummy-achey. and by one i'm on the rag. yes, that saturday was two days ago.
• as anticipated, we are now broke as shit until thursday.
• as could have (SHOULD have) been anticipated, the weekend, beginning thursday night, became a food free-for-all, including a trip to dave & buster's for the husband's office holiday party.

know how many of those things i can control? ONE. i can control what i eat, what i drink and what i DO. that's how i can get out of this.