darkest before the dawn, hitting rock bottom, et cetera, et cetera, cliche

so, yesterday was crazy, huh? MAN. i have not had a sweaty, terrifying, it-doesn't-fucking-fit panic like that in AGES.

i didn't like it.

after THAT delightful experience, i hopped onto calorieking.com (where i'm currently enjoying a free week trial before i drop $49 for the year on monday) and tried to make the best of the day. well. 1390 calories? is. a. lot. especially when you fail to eat breakfast or pack lunch and everything you can think of to get is SO HIGH in fat that you gag a little when you see it all in black and white. i ended up being VERY CAREFUL with a chicken caesar salad, ordering it dry with the dressing on the side and then adding a scant tablespoon of that creamy, cheesy goodness to my lettuce and chicken. of course, i always use way less than they give me (about a half a cup! who could eat that much salt??) but i generally enjoy their homemade croutons, too. then dinner was whole grain pasta-- two servings so i could get in my carbs & fiber, plus get my calories up-- with a bit of olive oil and cheese. grated parmesan is a dieter's best friend. so much flavor for so few calories. and then i stuffed down, and i mean STUFFED, a cup and a half of steamed broccoli. (also in there: 1/3 of a cherry pie larabar to sustain me through a BRIEF trip to the mall, 1 fancy chocolate-peanut butter square, 2 cups of coffee and a fancy dark chocolate square.)

i spent a lot of the day wondering how i could bulk up my fiber and calories without adding fat.

then i felt like a moron.

ready?

FRUIT.

yeah, as it turns out, i can't remember the last time i regularly ate fruit. or breakfast. or, actually, lunch every day.

so, we're going out of town tonight, just overnight unless we get stuck there, but i'm making a grocery list for our triumphant return today. there needs to be FRUIT in my life, BREAKFAST and LUNCH, too. jillian and my food scale are on the way, and i have a feeling i might actually start off 2010 at about 165. it's just a hunch, of course, but it's entirely based on what i saw on the scale this morning. (hint: 165.8!)

i like feeling in control. i like using this trial week to get my diet legs back. i like knowing that this is going to work, once and for all.