count down to goal

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


I'm not here. I'm not anywhere else, either. When I write the date on my rent check, I still write 2010 every time. School is almost finished but... eh. I might not be back.

Maybe I'm just 155 forever.

Friday, August 12, 2011

not a pretty girl

okay. so. i am having some... issues. i'm back to about 151, so where i started the 17dd. difference i've noticed? my stomach is flatter when i'm on a super strict diet. everything else is the same. people? i have a small waist to begin with! i'm obviously having some motivation issues, having not run all month and skipped my last 5k last night.

my diet and exercise is not in control and thus, my life feels like everything is all over the place.

lately, i'm also feeling really weird about this body. it is nice, attractive (as long as i work my clothing magic and hide what needs hiding) and gets a lot of attention. NO THANK YOU. really, i hate my body being discussed. my body is not public property.

anyway. i don't know where i'm going or if i'm going to end up back here.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

fuckity fuck fuck fuck (day 17 of 17)


weight: 148.8 (-0.2 since yesterday, -2 overall)
breakfast: 10 raisinettes and 3 mini pretzel twists
lunch: salad with deli turkey
snack: nothing
dinner: chicken with onions and peppers
workout: cleaning

in my head, i am 140 pounds today. none of my clothes fit and i'm shopping for emergency jeans and a dress to wear to my friend's wedding on saturday.

in my head, i finally-- FINALLY-- look a little less pear-shaped and can buy a dress and pants without the usual tears and nausea under the fitting room lights.

in my head, i pick up a clearance bathing suit, too, because mine doesn't fit and i feel like i might want to wear one sometime.

i was supposed to be thinner today. but i'm not.

i do not feel okay. i do not feel like i can get through this and finish this out. i do not believe i will ever be done.

and that makes me really want to quit.

i don't really know what the plan is now. it's my last day of 17dd (ha!) and i've lost 2 pounds. i felt thin about a week ago. i felt great at 145. i don't know what to do now, though. i'm tired.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

(day 16 of 17)


weight: 149 (-0.4 since yesterday, -1.8 overall)
breakfast: fruit smoothies
lunch: ughhhhhhhhhh, no idea
snack: nada
dinner: turkey burgers?
workout: meeting

i hate this. and it's really expensive.

Monday, August 01, 2011

(day 15 of 17)

jesus h. tapdancing christ on a cracker. 149.4. that's up like THREE AND A HALF POUNDS this weekend. of course, it's great to have my ate-and-drank-everything-wrong-all-weekend weight be under 150, but COME ON.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we're back on the 17dd wagon. but i'll be honest with you, i'm fucking tired of this.

Friday, July 29, 2011

hernia (day 12 of 17)


weight: 145.6 (+0.4 since yesterday, -5.2 overall)
breakfast: berry smooties
lunch: egg salad & celery
snack: posssssssssssibly... a protein pack and an iced coffee at ye olde sbux
dinner: no f'ing clue.
workout: spinning with k

so, during my hill workout last night (and may i just say: OMFG that sucked), i asked bk about this pain i've had when running basically since i started. it's just a bit above my pelvic bone on the left and BOY FUCKING HOWDY does it hurt. it is not a stitch. bk says it is. i think... it's a hernia. i'm almost certainly wrong, but i think it's a hernia caused by the flapping of my deflated stomach. it doesn't droop but when i do the bend-over-and-suck-it-in thing, it's super gross.

anway. it still hurts. that's gonna suck at spinning.

this weekend is going to be SO HARD. we have a birthday party to go to tonight, tomorrow an early visit with out-of-town cousins, then a bachelorette party tomorrow night and a baby shower sunday. i cannot gain this weight back. my plan is basically to have no food/drink tonight or sunday (i'll bring a liter of seltzer, people are totally used to it from me), to be super careful and in control tomorrow at lunch, and to enjoy a salad and 3 drinks at the b'ette. also, to bike tomorrow and run sunday.

noonish update:

the weekend just got goddamn near impossible with a dinner with the inlaws tonight! shit shit shit.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

i can make it (day 11 of 17)


weight: 145.2 (-1.0 since yesterday, -5.6 overall)
breakfast: scrambled eggs
lunch: erm, no idea
snack: tomatoes!
dinner: possibly grilled chicken and zucchini
workout: hill workout with bk

so, okay, i'm almost back to the weight i glimpsed briefly in september, which is cool because it's almost freaking september again. but, hey, if i get myself down to like 142 in the next 6 (!! :D !!) days, it will be all new weight and i'll have like 14 dietable weeks (not counting vacation) before the holidays come and not gaining becomes priority #1.

like that logic? that logic also makes it remotely possible that i will be down to 125 come christmas. (bwahahaha!)

yeah, so, i'm super fucking tired of this, and i'm consuming more artificial sugar than i'd like (diet coke, coke zero and sugar-free caramel iced coffees are my faaaaaaaaaaaaavorites). but it's almost over and there's a re-entry plan and... yeah. okay. i can make it 6 days.