count down to goal

Friday, February 26, 2010

holy whatthefuck?

my scale is asking for a battery today. it was supposed to last 5 years (with the fancy lithium battery). uncool.

my quads are fucking KILLING me.

i didn't manage to make my french toast today, so i went for a turkey bacon and egg white sandwich. it was sad and unsatisfying. and i think i killed my nonstick frying pan.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

i do believe my ass is bruised

yesterday was awful. after the dentist, i moped and pouted. we're postponing our big italy trip until AFTER grad school. it's too much money and too much stress. i'm heartbroken. we ate pizza and fries. we had a huge argument about me being heartbroken. mean things were said. i cried off all my mascara. we made up.

and off i went to spinning.

e had said she might drop the class if it wasn't up to her pace, but she had a physical for her new job and found out that she gained 15 pounds when she quit smoking. so she's not. that's really happy news for me. sad for her, of course.

okay, spinning.

so, we got to the gym and the front desk guy takes one look at us and is like, oh, you're here for spinning cause clearly YOU don't belong. we were like fish out of water. fat, out-of-shape fish.

he directed us to the locker room where we shoved our bags and jackets in a shared locker. co-dependent much? then he told us to go right back... and we sheepishly had to ask, uh, go where? when we found the room we regretted missing our chance to take the 7pm, not because it was earlier, but because maybe it didn't smell like this then...

a sweaty, fat guy adjusted our bikes for us (back & center with a clear line to the mirror but no one to see our asses) while a jon hamm look-alike signed us all in. the spin instructor shall heretofore be called "hm" for "hot mike." there were 12 of us in the class with hm-- one middle aged dude, 5 young women (three skinny including one i knew from the classes in the fall, me & e) and six middle aged women of varying degrees of fitness.

so we all pedaled for a while, it's like ten of eight at this point, while he checked out form and such. my ass hurt already. e's, uh, something ELSE hurt. we giggled and made trouble in the back. of course. at about 8 hm took us through the basic positions and whatnot. there was... sitting, crouching, standing, leaning too far forward to reasonable be safe and, i dunno, maybe something else. those aren't their real names. i was too busy not dying to catch them.

hm told us we could sit down and pedal slowly for 30 seconds if we needed a rest. it reminded me of jillian. right then and there a couple of the middle aged ladies DID. i felt smug and grateful that i wasn't first. i was sweating. EVERYWHERE. (oh and this is about when two of the middle aged ladies arrived all like, oh! i thought class was at 8:10!)

we did our first climb which was like, sit, crouch, stand, crouch sit, turn up the resistance, repeat 3 times. then we took the resistance down slowly and did a bunch of other stuff. i regretted the pizza and feared it would make an encore performance. at around 8:30 i took a little sit (nearly everyone had except the dude, one super-fit middle aged lady and e). so did one of the late ladies. then she got off the bike and sat down on the steps. with her head between her knees. hm checked on her. so did her two friends. then they all left the room. then the other one who had been lat came back to announce that she was going to the ladies' room to be sick.

and i felt smug and grateful that it wasn't me.

all of a sudden i realized we were cooling down! and then stretching! it was amazing. we got off the bikes to do a couple more stretches and, whoa, it was like getting off a boat. crazy. and then... hm told us "great job, ladies!" undoubtedly making the one dude feel silly, and we hobbled out.

it was fucking incredible. i'm SO SAD the other class got canceled.

in other news:
  • i rescheduled my dental work for easter monday, by which point i will have a bonus and my tax refund.
  • my husband ate 5 of the no-pudge brownies i made and put in the freezer and has eaten 4 slices of ezekiel bread each of the past two days, two for lunch and two with oil and a beer as a bedtime snack. i hate to be like this, but COME THE FUCK ON! it's like having a hybrid suv! sure, of you legitimately NEED an suv, by all means please get a hybrid, but do you really NEED to eat three diet brownies at a pop? when there are regular ones in the freezer, too? do you NEED the 400 calorie bedtime carb/alcohol snack? i don't make diet brownies so you can eat MORE brownies, i made them so i could eat ONE!
  • my mom complimented my will-power over the weekend... i don't think she saw when i ate 2 cookies, 2 blondies, 1.5 blueberry bars, a peanut butter brownie and a small oreo sundae. still felt good.
so, focus: meet targets! water! schedule with bk for an ARM DAY tomorrow, since he sneakily gave me an ab day tuesday!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


let's play good-bad-ugly. because it's an easy way to blog without forming coherent sentences.

good: my uncle emailed bk and basically said i look amazing and he wish he lived closer so he and his partner could train with him, too.
bad: my first spinning class is tonight and i'm terrified.
ugly: my second spinning class (fridays) got canceled for low enrollment.

good: i survived my annual AGAIN.
bad: i had a fucking co-pay! i was appalled...
ugly: i'm going back on the pill because the ring thing frightens me.

good: i have only 4 cavities after 10 years without a cleaning!
bad: i also need to have my wisdom teeth out.
ugly: my dental insurance will only cover 25% of my enormous filling bill and i made a huge scene and stormed out of the dentists office, where i will eventually have to go and get my $650 worth of work done, plus get a mouth guard for my grinding and, oh, geez, i haven't even thought about the oral surgeon yet.

it's mainly ugly, okay? fml.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

i like a nice foot.... er, a round number, i mean

okay. -70 is good. it's a solid loss. it's what i've been saying i've "just about" lost since... fourth of july? goddamn, i need to get a move on. tonight i have bk! tomorrow spinning! thursday rest, friday more spinning! it's getting easy to hit my calories-- i've bulked up my breakfast AGAIN to include my awesome french toast AND turkey bacon AND grapefruit.

so... today i go to the, ahem, lady doctor. dr. l is PHENOMENAL. i love her. i love her because she respects my anxiety and has her ma come and hold my hand during the pap. i love her because it takes her exactly point three seconds to get in, get her sample and get out. i love her because everytime she sees me, she exclaims at how much weight i've lost.

dr. l was the first person i discussed my weight with. i was just engaged and planning to have babies pretty much right away. maybe we'd wait a year. but, oh! fat = infertility! and = ceserean! and = spina bifida! and = gestational diabetes! (not really, i know that now.) so i cried in her office that i wanted to have BAAAAAAAAAAAYBEEEEEEEES and to do that i'd have to lose 100 pounds, right? tell me that's not true, pleeeeeeeeeease? she pulled out a little chart, "oh NO," she assured me, "i'd just like to see you at 145." i was, at the time, 236. that's 91 pounds.

now the plan is totally different. no babies til you graduate, that's the rule. that means i could take 2.5 years losing these last 21 pounds. which is good, because a pound a month is just about where i've been...

i feel sort of silly going back to her. i'd expected to have at least one kid by now. (to be fair, all of our friends have kids. like, ALL. except for two couples who are much younger than we and not married.) and every year, after she exclaims about my weight loss, but before she feels me up, she asks about those imaginary babies. i hope i don't cry this year.

so, focus: make it through my pap. meet my targets (calories, nutrition & water). kick my serious arm day's ass. get hyped up to SPIIIIIIN tomorrow.

Monday, February 22, 2010

high hopes

i had such high hopes. i guess i can still hope, but i'm going to have to ROCK my diet & water today. like, whoa. and that's going to be tough.

let me 'splain.
  1. i weighed 164.2 for three days in the last week (friday, saturday & sunday)-- a NEW (this time) LOW! hence: high hopes.
  2. today it's 166.2, but yesterday was a party for my brother and, though i could have done worse, there were some really fucking good sweets there, i think i ate a brownie, two blondies, a small sundae and... a blueberry crumb bar & a half. and two cookies. and hoagie (i ate ONE slice). i stuck to seltzer & veggies for several hours, though. and i only had two glasses of wine and... chex mix. but we all know that weight gained in a day (two WHOLE pounds: 7000 calories) can disappear in a day with clean eating and water.
  3. so, why it's going to be hard... this is a week when i feel like i really *deserve* treats. why? because i went to the dentist today for the first time in 9 years. i have my first cavity... and my second, third & fourth. and i need to wear a night guard... forever. sexy, no? and i have to get my wisdom teeth out. i asked, how much to i really NEED to? dentist replied, that depends, how much do you want to die? ah. apparently my impaction is such that it's impossible to keep clean and an infection might not be noticed until it reached my throat and then i could suffocate. joy. TOMORROW i'm getting my annual. you know, from "the grown-up doctor" as my mom says. i love dr. l, but i'm running low on xanax! and how much can you really LOVE someone who's coming at you with a speculum and giant mascara brush?? oh, and those fillings? wednesday. SOMEBODY better buy me a margarita or six after this week.
bonus news: i start spinning THIIIIIIIIS WEEEEEEK! i hope to have some pretty bangin' legs by ssil's shower in a month. i'd love to wear my riding boots and a skirt. or this one red dress i have...

what else, what else... my uncle (who is awkward, socially, but gay so i'm not creeped out by this, and who also struggles with his weight) commented that i look "very trim and tight" since the last time he saw me about a month ago! HOORAY! my sister remains about twice my size and still nowhere near as pretty as me AND will apparently not finish grad school before i do! (to "hooray" that would be mean, but i'm doing my chair dance of inappropriate glee right now.) and... i'm stretching here, but... my birthday is at the end of next week and, if patterns hold, i will have good chunk of clothing gift cards to spend when i get down to sizes i don't own yet. AWESOME.

so, to recap: i'd love to see 164 tomorrow. and then lose 5 pounds in the first two weeks of spinning so i can be under 160 for my birthday. after that, under 150 by the end of april and close to (or below) 145 by mid-to-late may. 135 or a size 8 some time this summer.

dear spinning gods:
please to let me lose weight like everyone says i will. thanks a billion.

Friday, February 19, 2010

that magic number... 1,350?

one thousand, three hundred and fifty.

who remembers that song?
nine, nine, nine! that magic number nine! any number you can find, it all comes back to nine!
i don't know where it's from. sesame street? square one? where in the world is carmen san diego? i dunno. but listen, i think 1,350 is a magic number. after weighing in last week at 165.0 and holding that until monday, i jumped up to 166.8 and stagnated there. yesterday was my first full day at 1350 calories and today? 164.2.

i know i don't usually discuss good numbers like that except on weigh day, but... oh, man. i have a rough weekend coming up. my sister is going to be in town (bad) and my fun uncles (good!) for my brother's graduation from training (good!) and subsequent move to another city for the sort of dangerous job (bad) and the party (gooobad) my parents are having for him on sunday.

so, what do i do? how do i handle this? there's going to be an awful lot of seltzer in my weekend, i know that. and veggies (my mom is bound to have veggies at the party... but i should check). as long as i put off eating the real food and drinking the real drinks, i'll have control. it will be okay.

today i had my delish french toast for breakfast with 1/4 cup of grapefruit (i bought it weeks ago for breakfasts and JUST got around to eating it then yesterday, but... i already ate almost all of it.), packed my almonds, woven wheats and apple for snacks, plan on getting a really good salad for lunch with lots of veg, light dressing and protein, and am making chicken parm for dinner, but i'll bake my chicken and skip the cheese.

oh, and today, bk and i are having a MAJOR LEG DAY! i expect to have to use my arms to get up and down from the toilet for about the next two weeks between bk and spinning.

by the way... i noticed something. this morning as i climbed into the shower and turned to close the curtain i caught a glimpse of myself (waist up) in the mirror and everything looked... okay. my trunk is a little soft and stretch marked, but my stomach doesn't stick out. my arms have a waggle but it's not too noticeable. my boobs are practically at my waist (what's left of them) but i can just always wear a bra! now, my legs. my legs are another story. they're each holding ten of the 30 pounds i'd still like to lose. but we'll get there.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

i've always sort of thought starvation mode was a crock...

so, basically, i've never believed in the starvation mode thing. i mean, sure, over an extended period of time, low to no body fat to burn, whatever, whatever... but the whole thing where if you slip under the magical 1200 calories a day you'll suddenly STOP losing weight? a crock. i'm pretty sure. but, you know, that's not really to say i think not eating anything is a good plan. i'm all for proper nutrition. and food is f'ing delicious.

i've been on 1200 a day since... january 4th. ish. and i've found it impossible to hold a loss. i've also been working out pretty hard in the strength training department. and next week (WEDNESDAY) i'll be tossing in some serious cardio. i just thought, look, calorieking says i should be eating 1350, my mom's cult says i should be eating 1350, maybe i should be eating 1350? i switched my target while lowering my fat target and increasing my protein target. (hello? i need to recover. i saw that on olympics biggest loser!)

this morning, i had the most amazing breakfast: 2 slices of ezekiel raisin bread dipped in 1/3 cup of egg whites with 1/2 tsp sugar, a splash of vanilla and a sprinkle of cinnamon cooked on a lightly buttered griddle. i think it comes to like 255 calories? with the protein of 2 egg whites? plus whatever's in the bread? not too shabby. and DELICIOUS.

it's going to be tough to fill in the calorie blanks without going over my fat, but that's the point, isn't it? i meant to eat some (pre-sectioned) grapefruit this morning, but i forgot. oops. lunch is turkey chili (from a can). daily snacks are: 2 clementines, a jazz apple, 12 almonds & 8 reduced guilt woven wheats. dinner will be at ruby tuesday's before dr. y. i sometimes have the petite sirloin... and i don't know what i'll have today.

so far, my husband and e (the girlfriend i'm taking the spinning classes with) have commented that i'll lose a TON of weight spinning an hour twice a week and lifting an hour twice a week. god, i hope they're right.

focus: water, nutrients, calories. rest up for a "serious leg day" tomorrow!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

oh, yes, lent

today marks the beginning of lent. oh, yes. lent.

every year since i can remember, my grandmother, a woman who sends off checks of $10 or $20 to various religious orders whenever whatever thing she'd asked their patron for comes true. like... she found the keys she'd asked st. anthony to help her find (dear st. anthony, please come around, something is lost and cannot be found) or i graduate from college (thanks to st. rita, patron saint of hopeless cases, of course, not that i was one class away after taking a semester off!) and still buys novenas and masses and confesses at 78, gives up whalemeat and watermelon for lent. whalemeat. and watermelon. as a child, i was required to REPORT on my lenten sacrifice every evening at dinner. my parents have since been excommunicated for attending a church that has a woman priest.

i do exactly jack shit for lent now. know why? cause i'm not catholic.

now, i think it's great that lent provides a convenient stretch of time for other people to challenge themselves, but man, that shit is FRAUGHT around here. i can't do it.

which is okay.

but easter is just six and a half weeks away, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't have a goal. dudes, i want to go to easter dinner, with my salted meat pies and lamb cakes, to dive into a pan of my grandmother-in-law's homemade pierogies, wearing size 12 pants... or smaller.

how hard can that be? i'll be 5 weeks into spinning by then. and i'll be working out with bk for... 8 weeks by then? damn. i'll be tracking my calories & nutrients. pushing my water. i can do it, right?

yesterday was better than i've been. aside from forgetting my hot dogs (if you don't know about the 45 calorie hebrew national hot dogs, you MUST go get them now.) i did okaaaay. well, not great. i also had a lindor truffle-- dark chocolate-- before my workout (78), two wedges of homemade scallion pancake before dinner (like 120) and a tiny wedge of the 8" chocolate chipper i made for my husband (50? it was tiny). not awesome. no green check. but better.

so, can i say this? i look pretty great in clothes. i mean, i know how to dress myself well, and now that i'm down to a medium top and size 14 pants, not quite noticeably huge anymore, i can pull off normal. but spring & summer are coming (aren't they??) and i might want to wear... capris. yeah, that's right, i can't even pull off capris. because my legs are enormous. or SKIRTS or DRESSES. (like that size 8 j. crew number!) i'm sure that toning up is going to help, but i have to lose 20 more pounds. the floppy bits are... well, they're really upsetting me. why am i not losing??

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

left to die on the oregon trail

wagon? what wagon??

i need to be in control. lately, it's been meals out, meals at my folks where we don't plate our portions in the kitchen (it works, ya'll), meals my dear husband makes because he feels guilty that we had a ginormous fight, take-out meals, i-can't-track-this-because-i-didn't-measure-it meals... it's no good!

and. and. and. the end result is 166.8. BAD.

so, today? new leaf day. track, track, track. ever notice how hard it is to get back on that wagon when you've slipped? it's all kinds of hard. even if you weren't off that long, or that far.

i packed my workout gear so i can head right over to my brother-trainer (henceforth known as bk). i packed my apple, clementines, woven wheats. my water. i at my ezekiel toast with natural pb and ab. i forgot my low-fat hebrew nationals, but i have almonds here. hubs is making dinner, but i can still measure, estimate and track.

so. i guess i sort of feel square one-ish. i'd hoped to see something like... 159 by the beginning of march. i don't think that's happening in two weeks. but it could. next week, i SPIN. TWICE. i'm really going to clean up my food. (more protein, less chocolate.) i'll work harder and harder.

i want to lose 2 pounds a week for the duration of my spinning class. that will put me down to about 145-147 by THE FAMILY WEDDING. not perfect, but i'll start running in may and make goal by my trip to florida in... the fall. september, october. one of those months.

goddamnit. i'm TIRED.

okay. off to track yesterday (happy new year, by the way, guess what we had for dinner??)

FOCUS: water, calories, nutrients, workout, tracking.

Monday, February 15, 2010


well, for the first time since... december? i didn't track this weekend. and i was rewarded with a nice, round two-pound gain. hooray. today i'm back in the saddle and hoping that the three meals out this weekend-- and many glasses of wine-- are causing a temporary jump. shit.

my session yesterday was... ppfpt. it was too hard for what i was doing. i was whiny. today i'm in a little pain but it generally doesn't feel right.

my next session is tomorrow. and then, i guess, friday? next week i start spinning.

tomorrow's goal of 162? so not going to happen.

FOCUS: water. calories. useful foods. jillian?

Friday, February 12, 2010


so, sometimes my weight does a big DROP the day after i have a few drinks. which will be tomorrow, for those of you keeping score. but! i will also be eating a meal that i can't control! a vegetarian meal! possibly bad news. but! i will ALSO be getting my ass kicked for an hour!

in any event, the number that blinks before my scale settles on 165 is 163.something, so maybe?

can i say this? i watched (last week's?) biggest loser last night and... all those dudes have c-pap machines. whoa. also? i think sam is a) adorable and b) strong as shit. a + b = sexy.

i have nothing else to say. next week i'm going to have to start cutting some less, uh, useful foods out of my diet in preparation for SPINNING twice a week on top of my training twice a week. i need to be doing MORE with those 1200 calories.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

steady, steady

i'm holding at 165.0. for... about a week now? at 1200ish calories a day. okay, i haven't gotten back to jillian because of the PAIN from my hour-long weight sessions. there's little hope of seeing 162 on tuesday.

but who knows.

it's our second snow day in a row. i'm doing work-work, budget-work and housework. husband is doing housework. ah, to be relatively low on the totem pole. to be fair he DID do about ten minutes of work-work. and he had snow tree calls to make yesterday.

it's so hard to remember to measure and weigh, not just eat chocolate all day, avoid the temptations of home... it's so much easier to pack my whole day in the morning.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

holy. mackrel.

165 pounds + admission to grad school = best day ever.

i kind of can't believe i'm here, actually.

so... first of all: 165. this is HUGE. this is MONUMENTAL. this is "OVERWEIGHT." i'm not death-fat anymore. i'm not obesity-epidemic (boogita-boogita) anymore. i'm not freak-fat anymore. i'm REGULAR fat. i'm a little soft, a little pear-shaped, but not OMFG GIANT BEAST LADY. does it feel different? a little. probably not as much as 140 will. and i think 140 is the goal. 135 would be swell, but 140 is solidly "normal"-- safely in the zone with a 5 pound buffer, but njot unachievable. if i'm THISCLOSE to being a smaller size at that point, i'll consider trying for a few more, but i think 140 is a winner.

this also means that, when my tax refund arrives, i'm gonna hightail it to the recovering actor's place of employ and distract the ever-loving shit out of her for, oh, two, three hours. it's gonna be SO MUCH FUN. (confession? some of the make-up i use with some regularity spent time in freshman dorms. OUR freshman dorms. please don't shoot!)

so... grad school. this means a lot of things. this means a way out of my dead-end (but secure and flexible!) job. it means oh, about $50k more student loan debt. it means two years of hard work, an internship and writing my first thesis. it also means a chance to prove that i AM smart, i CAN work hard, i DO deserve happiness and i'm NOT a total fuck-up. my acceptance? is provisional. i need to maintain a b average for a term or two or i'm out. it's because i slacked like WHOA in undergrad. due, in part, to the way i skated through high school and still scored a full academic scholarship to college. and in part to the bad thing. and, i'll admit it, in part to beer and pot. (and BOYS.)

i'm gonna get some LATIN on my diploma this time. tangent: my husband did his undergrad at this university. i desperately wanted to see if there was any latin on the basic diploma, so he dug his out. the only latin was the gold sticker that said cum laud. "hm," i said, "that's disappointing. i wonder if the sticker is bigger for the better ones." "baby, it doesn't GET much better," he said, all cocky and shit, and i had to be all, "oh, you'll see. there's cum laude, summa cum laude and magna cum laude. YOU have 'with honors' but then one is 'with HIGH honors' and one is 'with HIGHEST' honors." (all smug and shit.) "oh, which is which?" he says. "dude, i don't know! i got a c in latin." and... that basically illustrates my entire stance on education up until now.

(i can't help feeling a little odd about all the times i just typed "cum" here. i suppose it's the COLLEGE STUDENT in me.)

  • calorie target & nutrients
  • water, water, water
  • workout, either with my trainer-brother or alone if the snowmaggedon comes before 6
  • next goal: 161 & -75 pound pictures

Monday, February 08, 2010

::insert name of very exciting, top-tier, world-class university here::

application to a school i have no business looking directly in the eye: accepted.

appetite: gone.

bank account: cowering in fear.

ego: about to fucking explode.

totally not my fault!

okay, i STILL haven't gotten my second session in but that's because my trainer and i can't seem to connect! he's hoping for tomorrow... i'm looking at tomorrow's forecast. but we'll see. maybe if the storm comes later than expected i can get there and back before it's very bad.

i managed to keep MOSTLY within my calories all weekend, actually, i was probably fine on average: friday's curly fries + saturday sleeping all day no time to eat / 2 = on target.

i <3 math.

so. since i'm all sorts of anonymous here, even though i know at least two readers in real life and at least two others know my real name and super-secret location, i'm gonna get something off my chest here, since it's the only place i really can. (i don't see dr. y until NEXT week.)

um, not weight related starting NOW:

dude, you guys, i want to have a fucking baby. i mean, i don't particularly WANT to HAVE HAVE a baby (a diy baby, as we call it around these parts) but i want to bring home a baby and name it and love it and take seventy million pictures of it and... and...

i WANT a baby or two to be an available option. i want to be waiting for the time to be right FOR US, not for our bank accounts. i want our five-year-baby-plan to be in its fourth year, instead of its fourth first year.

and it's not happening because my husband is regressing.

my husband is smart. i mean, like, really fucking smart. like phd-by-thirty smart. except, of course, he's not going to have one. because he refuses to JUST FUCKING PICK a discipline. i'm not saying he should do something he doesn't love, and i'm the one who told him, a couple years ago, not to apply to 10 programs in five subjects, but COME ONE. he really, really, really likes five subjects. don'tcha think if he picked one and studied it, he'd love it?

why is he so complacent? why is he totally cool with telling people he's going for an med, an mls, an msw and then backing out? how can he face the same profs he asked to help him get a phd in anthropology to ask them to help him get a phd in linguistics?

i totally get why women marry men ten years older then them now. (i'm awful, right?)


so, i managed to get out to the grocery store this weekend (twice) and pack up my meals for today. go me! water is an important part of not turning this cough into bronchitis, so hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. i doubt there will be a workout today even though i know it's probably fine, because i think i'm just going to crash. man, i'm TIRED. and i think there will be big news tomorrow.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

gross, part 2

i still feel totally assy, but the stabby sore throat is gone and it's down to congestion and a light cough. i'm just getting used to the idea that a cough DOES NOT mean i'm going to be sick for months until i go to a doctor and get steroids. it's doesn't automatically mean bronchitis. because i don't smoke anymore. not just for the month on my ticker... it's been since last november, with just one small relapse between my uncle passing away and new year's.

so, i had to bail on my training session yesterday, but i THINK we're going to be able to make it up tomorrow and then follow with a session thursday and saturday to be back on track.

and i've OFFICIALLY signed up for the second spinning class.

and i saw the most beautiful number in all the world yesterday and today.

Friday, February 05, 2010


yesterday i took the day off to take my grad school phone interview from home. dudes, it was great. she said-- and, if you can't tell from the quotation marks, this is a direct, verbatim quote, "it sounds like you've got a lot of potential and determination and you just need somebody to give you a chance."

now, what kind of sick bastard would say that and then NOT give me the chance, amirite?

anyway, then i cam down with an UNGODLY sore throat. conveniently after i ate fried rice (lunch out with the girlfriend i got a beer with the other night) and pizza and fries (our biweekly dinner out before dr. y). then i ate two pieces of chocolate AND a handful of woven wheats in the middle of the night. because my throat needed scratchy salt. i was fine for the day until the chocolate and even that was not far enough over to lose me my green check.

so, today i feel like complete ass. i have a lunch/cash exchange (so i can sign us up for the second spinning class) and a shit-ton of work to do. tonight i'm supposed to go to a birthday party, but... um, blizzard. tomorrow: blizzard. i'll sleep all damn day. sunday dinner with the inlaws, but other than that, i might sleep all day. actually, i'll probably hit up my little brother for my second training session. i'm not letting a little blizzard get in my way...

still seeing that 166.8. not sure why. tuesday at 164 isn't looking very promising. we'll see.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

a mad elf with turkish taffy legs

so, i went to my lil training session last night. i paid for 10 sessions and told him he had five weeks to get them in. or else what? i'd pay him some more? i don't know. i'm going back on saturday.

i did lots of things i didn't think i could do, to be honest. i did theses curl/press things where i curled up, rotated the weight 180* and then pressed overhead. i think i was working with 10 pounds? definitely more than 5, 7 at the least (i doubt he has plates that weigh less than a pound each). and i did three sets of them! 10, 8 and 10 again. i did "the game of fives" which was like five pulses at the top 25% of a curl, then five at the bottom, then five whole curls. those were 10 pounds (i think), too. i did 30 second bridges (what jillian calls a plank, but it's NOT)-- flat on the ground, with my feet on a bosu ball and then with my hands on the bosu ball. i did overhead triceps presses. i did these twisty squat things with a 6# medicine ball that sent my left glute into a terrifying spasm. and then i learned a great ass stretch. and then i did a turkish stand-up. actually, i did 16.

i had to cut out early, after just 40 minutes, because i was meeting a friend for a drink. i planned to have a leffe brun, the world's yummiest beer, but ended up getting a mad elf. and then another. and DAMN. i didn't feel drunk at any point, but i sure do feel hungover now. it probably doesn't help that i got to the top of the 2 flights of stairs from our floor to the parking lot and had to pause and REMEMBER how to walk down them. because omfg, my leeeeeeeeeeeegs. they hurt. i think that's why my mom calls that exercise "turkish taffy stand-ups."

so, this is where i stand:

this morning i was 166.8. which is good news. and i'm going to work hard today. i'm going to hit my calorie target (1200 calories). i'm going to meet my nutrient goals. i'm going to kick water's butt. i'm going to shred. i'm going to fold laundry and prep for my interview. i'm going to lose some goddamn weight.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


my ability to for coherent thoughts has been miraculously returned to me. maybe.

so, i am clearly VERY bummed about my stay-the-same. honestly, i worked my ass off and i got my little green checks nearly every day! i can't help but think... was it the second glass of wine? the brownie? can going over your calorie limit by 300 calories FOR THE WEEK, really fuck up my day THAT MUCH? i should be losing two pounds a week! i should be 162 this week! i weighed two pounds less than this last. frigging. year.

sometimes (like NOW) i feel like i have no idea how i got here. like it was just a lot of dumb luck. what's worse is that HERE is a place i'm pretty familiar with. HERE is where i spent high school. HERE is where i was six years ago. HERE is not the end, or the goal or even someplace i think i wouldn't hate. HERE is the sucktastic world of stretch marked knees and floppy tummy and size 14s.

don't get me wrong, i'm not sitting here thinking, well, shit, i might as well be a 20 if i'm going to be a 14! i'm really not. but i am thinking i just want to be a 10!

my dress came yesterday. it fit. i mean... it zipped. no problem. it doesn't look as good as it will WHEN i lose 20 pounds, but it goes on. i could pull it off with a shrug and some restrictive undergarments. that's pretty cool. but i need to lose 20 pounds. and i can't.

i'm honestly baffled right now. i have no idea why i can't seem to lose weight. i want to go back to my doctor and BEG her for help, but last time i was there they informed me that i had, in fact, lost three pounds in six months and maybe i should try alli? she had a patient who lost fifteen pounds with absolutely no side effects...

i want to punch things. i want to eat things. i mean, shit, if i'm not going to lose any weight, why don't i get to have something i ENJOY once in a while??

or was that 360 calorie brownie last night the reason i didn't lose?

but i'm focusing. really. i am. i'm drinking my water. i'm eating my planned meals. i'm exercising. i'm going to have a nice friend date tonight, with ONE drink, and tomorrow i'm going to follow the plan and prep for my grad school interview. which, ps, is thursday morning.

a number on the scale does not dictate my worth

hoooooooooooooooo, boy. today sucks my metaphorical balls. because i cannot form coherent paragraphs, bullets:
  • we got notice yesterday that our landlord is doing a lease renewal inspection. TOMORROW. our lease is up in OCTOBER.
  • our apartment has two or three issues caused by my husband's erstwhile anger management problem. (busted screen on the slider and a busted soapdish-- the ceramic tiled-on kind.) (he's over it, both happened when we first moved in and, hi, better he should hit STUFF than ME, no?)
  • we cannot afford to move right now and i am terrified that we will be evicted. i blame him, obviously, since i am an asshole.
  • i didn't shred last night because we were in a cleaning FRENZY.
  • i feel like ass about that.
  • 168.2
  • i feel like ass about that, too.
  • i have a shit ton to do tonight (training, a friend date, more cleaning) so i will have ONE DAY to prepare for my grad school interview on thursday.
  • work sucks.
  • by the time i was headed to the kitchenette for my coffee, all i could think about was the full sized reese's cups that had be languishing there for WEEKS. i'd resigned to eating them. they were gone.
FOCUS: water. calories. nutrients. workout. fun friend-date.

Monday, February 01, 2010

aunt dot

when i was a kid, my mom called your period a "visit from aunt dot" kinda like message boards now call it "aunt flo" but dot = period. get it? it was always especially confusing to me because i HAVE a great aunt dot.

yeah, so, pms.

man, i ate SO MUCH chocolate this weekend. SO F'ING MUCH. it was astounding. and carbs. and wine (okay, two glasses). but i stayed in my calories! i DID! and i shredded DOUBLE DUTY on saturday! i did level two and then i did level one! AND THEN i did 17.5 minutes on my mini stepper! i worked out SO HARD!

so, would anyone like to explain why, after several days at 166.4, the scale blinked a cheerful 168.2 at me again this morning?

is it just a monday thing??

i would be lying if i said this didn't affect me at all. i mean, i even counted the brownie batter spoon i licked! i stepped for two and a half minutes longer than i planned to! i really, really tried this weekend.

so. oh, well. maybe, by some miracle, the scale will say 166 tomorrow. maybe i actually have a chance of getting PAST -70 next week. maybe i won't lose another pound ever, but my 2x a week training-- which starts tomorrow-- and my 2x a week spinning-- which starts in three weeks-- and my shredding (which goes to level THREE next week!!) will get me so ripped that i actually WILL make it to size 8 without ever getting below 168.

well. we'll see.