holy crap.

just picked up two loft dresses (sizes 8 and 10) i'd bought thinking my body would change shape entirely when i lost a few more pounds and they'd look great.

well, they fit, but didn't look great (tooooo huuuuuge in the bodice, if you must know), so i bit the bullet and took them to a seamstress.

dude? dresses that fit properly? look ah-mazing. mind = blown.

now i have to pick which to wear to a friend's loverly wedding this weekend. and, oh! which SHOES. because one dress is a gray/black/purple/fuchsia/mustard/lemon print on dove gray, and i literally have 5 pairs of shoes that match it PERFECTLY.

what for

this weekend was a crazy whirlwind. after selling everything we own, giving away our pets and quitting out jobs, we were shocked --SHOCKED-- to actually have to attend my grandma's birthday party today when we weren't raptured.

i'm kidding, obvs, i've been obsessively planning every detail of this outfit for weeks. and even if a) we believed that the rapture was real/coming, b) we would not have been on the list. atheist! my grandmother (beloved, and best friend) hissed to her college roommate, a nun, and her priest friend. GUILTY!

so. this is apparently me giving my brother (cropped to protect the innocent) what for. but... i dunno what for. it's about the only decent, non "get closer!" picture we got of me today. so it's what ya get.

it's also one of the few pics in which i was not aware my photo was being taken, so i let my bat wings flap in the wind.

and, yes, i got a spray tan and look like an oompla loompa. i'm not proud of it... and i wish i'd just gotten my legs done.

so. i guess this is a photo update. i don't have a "before" handy, so you'll have to go looking for it if you want to see.

there were a lot of questions. lots and lots of these people haven't seen me since my wedding (or before) and most of the people i spoke with had asked someone who i was. one cousin apparently asked my SISTER who the "stunning woman in the red dress" was. which, gosh, embarrassing, overwrought, and HELL YEAH, MTHERFCKR! there were a few whispered how much, how long, HOWs?? but many people stuck to you look wonderfuls and i didn't recognize yous. i wish i'd worn my hair in a less matronly updo, but my plans for a loose braid were repeated thwarted by... my hair... and i'd had to change plans last-minute.

this morning, after many beers, bar food and a cookout yesterday, i weighed 153.2. this is about 82 pounds down. i'm also in the best shape of my life. the dress is a medium from ann taylor loft. i would say, given the spanx, i should have worn a small. i had to tie the belt pretty tight and tuck some errant folds of jersey into it. i'm 5'3" but closer to 5'8" in these heels. (still apparently shorted than my baby brother.)

i really, really loved wearing a retina-searing dress and insane heels and feeling pretty good. i'm looking forward to how i'll feel when i knock out the rest of the weight and get my arms tucked.

i did poorly with my goals this week. i worked out 4 times, but haven't tracked since friday and probably went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over my daily & earned points this weekend. new week tomorrow!

math FAIL

okay, okay, TODAY i'm exactly four pounds higher than i want to weigh on tuesday morning! 153.8. yesterday it was 5. UGH.

so, i'm doing fine. i'm filling up with fresh fruits and veggies (5-6 servings a day!) during work and enjoying husband-grilled dinners. there may be some slips involving leftover chocolate cheesecake, homemade peanut butter cookies and some edy's apple pie ice cream. but they have been TINY slips and, frankly, you save a lot of calories when you eat a pound and a half of fresh produce for breakfast + lunch + snacks.

it's be about a zillion degrees around here lately, so exercise isn't what it should be. but because it's been so hot, i've been experimenting with skirts and... damn. i think i'm about to buy some shorts! i don't hate my legs (except the part that will be covered by a 5" inseam)!

oh, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, hold on to your hats, ladies, i'm going to POST A PICTURE!! tonight or this weekend. because tonight my husband is buying us a new camera while i'm having my biweekly chat with dr. y! and if you gush and stuff, i might even post some from my fabulous tropical vacation NEXT WEEK.

meantime... yeah. i have a few trouble spots, and 15 or so stubborn pounds, but i feel pretty good.

despite wanting the scale to be much lowered by tuesday.

my wobbly bits

(152.6 today, for my reference. and yours, you know, if you give a crap.)

the 150s is where i said, way back in 2006/2007, that i would be happy. i'd still be overweight, but i'd be normal for me. and that's true. or, at least, it would be if my 26-year-old body was the same as my 16-year-old body. ummmm, but it's not.

my 16-year-old body was relatively smooth, proportionate and, frankly, still a little babyfat (ie: the boobs were bigger & higher but fairly shapeless-- more fat that BREAST). now? sigh. i'm pretty lumpy.

(btw, i have sent my camera off for repairs and it should be fixed in two weeks. i'm sorry that we'll be WAY OFF from -75 pounds by the time i give you a photo post again. we're already at about -83!)

so, here i am, in the LOW one-fifties, no less, and i'm not happy yet. so this is why i'm pushing for the last 15-20 pounds:

1. my upper arms are disproportionately fat. i would be cool with always covering my thighs and tummy if i could bare arms, as it were. but they basically look freakishly large. this is new to this version of my body.
2. inner thigh clearance. there is none. those suckers still straight-up RUB! what the hell?
3. that little over-the-naval pooch. i didn't have it until i weighed about 210 pounds, and it still hasn't gone away.
   
4. knee fat. we talked about it at christmas, and i've lost nearly 20 pounds since then. but it's still there, mocking my desire to wear high boots and high hemlines.
   

and that's it! i wanted to try for a reason #5, but i realized, hey, no need to SEEK OUT neurosis!

so, that's that. i'm happy with... my trunk. my butt. my loooong neck and longer torso. even my thighs up to the little inner-thigh fat pocket.

today is my last spinning class for the summer, unless i decide to spend a fortune to take classes a la carte at a fancy spin studio nearby. i'll miss it so much. BUT! the man of the house has VOLUNTEERED to take up running with me again after puerto rico!! i haven't wogged since my bad-idea visit to the track 3 days post-op. now it's been 10 weeks-- long enough to have finished the program!-- and i've not been back. in the mean time, walking & weights. and 151.8. 151.8. 151.8...

in which i bore you with the details

okaaaaaaaaay. have i learned nothing? tuesday drop left me at 152.8! a new freaking low! so, now i'm *kinda* hoping to catch 151.0 this week, but i'll take anything up to 151.6. wow.

last night we didn't walk, but i did 100 crunches -- good ones-- and 15 minutes on my mini stepper while himself lifted weights. tonight is MY weights night, and it's a crazy night again, but i have to do it. so, today's plan:

• breakfast- 2 slices turkey bacon, 1 slice complete protein toast, 1/4 tbs butter, 1 cup coffee
• am snack- 1 raw green pepper, 4 ounces raw green beans
• lunch- 1 serving turkey caesar pasta salad (450 cals, 8g protein, 8g fiber)
• pm snack- small banana, kiwifruit with skin
• dinner- pork chop, steamed broccoli
• errands- pick up car, return gma's car, pick up rxes
• workout- 1 hour weight workout, 30 minute walk
• evening treat- 1/2 cup light ice cream

so... that plan? is basically all week. the dinners change, the errands change and the workouts swap in spinning for weights, but that covers it. this is basically my lose-it-all plan for the next three months.

now. i... am going on two separate tropical vacations in the next three months. on, yes, mil's town is TROPICAL. especially between april and october. i'm going to need bathing suits. oh. yes. so, where do you think i can find a long-torso, bandeau tankini top WITH CUPS and a skirted bottom, no pleats, that i can try on in-store AND buy in separate sizes??

and there's that

156.4. i've officially lost 79.6 pounds. think i can manage to *lose* half a pound this weekend??

i could have done better... weight trained at all this week. gotten more than 3 cardio workouts in. not had a mini-binge/pity party last night. but i didn't. and even if i had, losing another 1.4 pounds would not have made david's bridal carry more boleros in store, or their pink clutch match my dress or... any number of things that would have helped me go into this event more confidently.

i am wearing a size 10 sheath dress and it looks pretty good. i will be able to walk and dance in my favorite shoes. i have gum to chew and seltzer to drink. this is gonna be a good party.

keeping up pace!

ah! it's 157.0 today! and i have SPINNING tonight (always good for a pound or so).

the blue dress? is OUT. i'm going to be wearing a size 10, ann taylor brown eyelet sheath/slip dress (with fuchsia underlay). and my fuchsia suede pumps. i bought this outfit when my girlfriend was pregnant with the kid she registered for kindergarten last week and have never worn it. the dress was a hit, though, when my skinny, ireland-living friend wore it during pageant festivities.

but now i need a purse, a sweater (for church) and a wrap (for dinner). bonus points for flats to be worn in between the church & dinner.

just the way i am

today, i am happy with my body.

i'm up .4 pounds from yesterday, but i don't care. my knees are still too fat to wear my riding boots, but that's okay. i'm still "overweight" by a good 15 pounds, but that's fine by me.

tonight we're going right from work to an alumni weekend event at hub's alma mater. it's a mural tour of the city, followed by a tour of a local brewery and a reception at a local concert venue. i wanted to look nice so... i reached into my closet and grabbed a pretty mauve-ish top and a charcoal gray sweater. and put them on. and knew i looked nice.

have i mentioned that i'm wearing jeans i bought in 2003? when i was at my lowest weight? because i am. in 2003 i wanted to lose 20 more pounds (to hit 135). now, i'd be pretty thrilled to lose 19 more (to hit 140). but i'm CONTENT. this is a good size for me. i look good, i feel good, i rocked the shit out of my spinning class last night. this is good.

yes, of course, the backwings, the cottage cheesey thighs, the goddamn knee fat. but ya know? i'm probably going to wear mostly jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops anyway. i'm fine.


...............


yesterday, independent of one another, two of my friends told me they were proud of me for how far i'd come. two people understand that it's a fight, every day, and not just a case of not drinking soda and parking farther away from the mall.

i'm grateful to both of them, for seeing it.

and i'm proud of me, too.

jumped the weigh-in gun

okay, okay. TODAY is weigh-in day. and TODAY i'm at 159.0. still, no complaints from me. i'm wearing a medium tank, a medium top and gap size 12a jeans from... 2003. a little out of style, a little unflattering, a little reminder of when my life was on a wild upswing (i had be cast as understudy to a fantastic role, my play was being produced, i had lots of loving friends and had lost 30 pounds... and then the shit hit the fan).

so. this is great. i look, well, thin. i feel great. i could stay here, if not for the batwings and thigh lumps, and, hi, a little definition in the calf areas would be swell. if i never intended to wear anything other than jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops, i'd stay here for realsies.

but i'm still pushing. here's what for:

• i really want to lose 4 pounds before may 22. totally doable.
• i definitely need to finally finish c25k by july.
• i'd love to drop another 10 pounds by then and hit the beach feeling really good.
• i need to bring the weight-loss part of my life to a close by september, and i want to be between 135-140 pounds-- another 5-10 pound loss after july's goal.

tonight i have w2, wo2 scheduled. and a half hour walk with my husband. tomorrow i spin and add a 1/2 hour of weights. thursday we're going to an alumni weekend even at BNGS (where my husband did his undergrad): beer. friday i have high hopes that w2, wo3 will keep me from stuffing my face at a jewelry demo. saturday, a morning walk and weight workout should keep my from eating myself to death at a first communion party. SELTZER. srsly.

heidi montag used to be pretty

the lipo, i get. who doesn't want to be thinner in specific areas while maintaining what (little) curvaceousness she has? but the boobs? how does she sleep? and the face. oh, man, she was PRETTY. not beautiful or striking or exotic or ugly but oddly appealing, she was honest-to-god PRETTY.

my mother asked me yesterday if i was done losing weight. "you weigh what you weighed in high school, right? why would anyone want anything better than that??"

i wasn't thin in high school like you were, mom. besides, my upper body is smaller but my lower body is stubbornly the same size (i think! i'll tell you after my size 31-- nee 12-- jeans arrive from loft tomorrow). i wear an actual medium top now. like, for real for real. i'm getting rid of larges. my husband brought me this dress back from florida in a medium. it could be snugger in the bust.

a medium.

i'm wearing an ann taylor top i bought, oh, maybe two years ago? for less than $10. i had it in two colors in large and loved it, so when it went way on sale i bought the mediums. in three colors. last week, i swear, the large fit. today, though, i'm wearing a medium and it's just right. weird.

i wonder if i'm going to need smalls ever. i'm hoping to get down to 150ish but The Wedding and 140ish by mid-july. shit. i think another 20 pounds might mean another size. never thought of it. balls.

i spent most of the night running from vampires

sometimes i wake up exhausted after DREAMING that i'm being really active. last night it was being chased by vampires, knowing that there was a safe place and i could find it, but not knowing how to get there.

it was like 30 days of night + daybreakers / buffy the vampire slayer with a sprinkle of college.

i am tired.

my weight is up a bit from friday's low, but nothing to be concerned about. i did PRETTY WELL on my plan for the weekend. a quick roundup:

• i did c25k week 1, workout 1 on friday night!
• saturday i made breakfast: turkey bacon, scrambled egg + white, ezekiel toast.
• lunch was wawa sandwiches. hubs downsized to a whole wheat shortie meatball sub and i hit upon the genius idea to get a turkey junior with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickles-- no cheese or oil. it was delicious and fresh and flavorful for 200 calories!
• dinner i planned for 2 ipas and a burger with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickle. i went over by ONE piece of italian potato salad, ONE dorito, two damn chocolates and a bowl of nutella mousse... which. sigh. i intended to clean the kitchen while the family ate dessert. when i came back to the table, my mother had placed a custard bowl at my place and... i tasted it. and then i ate it. it was amazing.
  
• i planed to do wo 2 on sunday morning but i slept too late and had to get ready for ssil's shower instead. i decided not to drink at the shower so i could wog after.
  
• but i spent, in addition to the three and a half hour shower, three hours in the car while my mother bitched and moaned about how everyone (including my poor, innocent ssil, whose shower & wedding my mother has been OBSESSED with going to!) was "eating" her weekend. and about how she needed to lose 14 pounds. the irony of her pie/weekend metaphor was lost on her. i had two glasses of wine.
  
• and then i took a nap & recreated the bacon & egg meal for my dinner.
  

and now it's today!

everyone noticed how amazing i looked in my red dress. alas, my camera is dead. like... DEAD dead. i thought it was just the battery. we're looking for the service plan and hoping it was for 2 years. but i WANTED to show you.

so... 165 for real today and i'm sliding back into consistency today. i have dinner planned out and bk tonight. i think i can end march at least as low as i ended february, but on a trustworthy scale.


ps-- expect some radio silence tomorrow because i have that follow-up test in the morning and, well, i'm gonna take a xanax or four, which means i'll probably sleep the rest of the day. wish me luck!

oh, OW

after my last session (monday) with bk he texted me to ask how i was feeling. great! i chirped, if one can chirp via text message, i'm totally getting the hang of this!

wrong. answer.

last night he kicked my ass so hard that i elected not to walk home after, despite the lovely weather and how nice the walk was on monday. today i am SORE. and yet? not weighing less. at all. probably because i ate a bunch of junk (not actual junk, we don't have ACTUAL junk) last night. or maybe because i've been having a hard time, er, GOING. or... who knows?

i want to wog (walk/jog) tonight, but of course it's RAINING. so we'll see.

i bought a pair of sweaters with a boscov's gift card from my husband's grandmother. both cardigans, one cream and one gray leopard print. the cream is specifically for wearing with my sex-ay red ann taylor dress to ssil's shower, but the gray leopard was just because a) it was $7! b) i <3 gray and c) i puffy, pink <3 leopard print. the cream one fits like a dream. the gray? like, eight sizes too small. they're both mediums. so disappointing.

whoa

summer? is coming up. i mean, i kinda just noticed. i've been focused on The Wedding and the trip to florida in septemeber and, of course, grad school, so i missed that in between there? SUMMER.

i wonder what i'll wear...

bonus post in which i pout

the dress?? the size-eight-final-sale-j-crew-now-or-never dress? is even cheaper now. god. damnit.

birthday weekend: an account

friday i...

• ordered mu shu veggies for lunch and didn't eat the rice or pancakes.
  
• made my leftover rice into veggie fried rice at home-- lots of it.
  
• washed it down with a beer and two brownies while i watched most of season 1 of united states of tara, which is surprisingly good.

saturday we...

• got sbux for breakfast: a light frap and turkey bacon/egg white sandwich for me, no cheese.
  
• drove to rehoboth beach to eat/drink at dogfish head-- we ordered the dogpile and a canary for one, neither of which i liked, so i ordered a side of fries to soak up the pint of indian brown ale (7% abv) and glass of palo santo marron (12% abv) i imbibed.
• picked up a 12 ounce bottle of world wide stout (18% abv) to take home.
  
• hit up the rehoboth beach chocolate for samples of various brownies, cakes and pies (while drunk!).
  
• stopped at the ann taylor factory store to be SORELY disappointed in the prices... but still considered buying a pair of size 12 "curvy" bootcut jeans that fit perfectly. but, really? $45 AT THE OUTLET? puh-leez.
  
• bought a pack of marlboro lights. smoked one.
• bought beer for my mini birthday barty-- 6 dogfish head 60 minute ipa, 6 victory golden monkey and a case of yeungling lager cans.
  
• and a lindt white chocolate truffle bar.
  
• had 2 ipas & a lager at my birthday party.
  
• and a ton of tortilla & potato chips. a zillion calories.
• and 3 pieces of cake.
• and two cupcakes.
• and a lot of the truffle.
• stopped counting calories.
  
• smoked 5 or 6 more cigarettes and then gave away all but 1.
  

sunday we...

• saw alice in wonderland and had movie snacks for breakfast-- pretzel bites & more truffle with coke zero.
• munched on some crackers and seltzer.
  
• went to my folk's house for a sumptuous dinner of stuffed pork chops, brussels sprouts roasted with bacon and pine nuts, asparagus with lemon butter dressing, slow-cooked lima beans, batter-fried cauliflower and mashed potatoes. followed by a semi-frodo cake with white chocolate mousse, honey-almond mousse and baked meringue. and 4+ glasses of pinot noir, because, COME ON, my father-in-law AND my grandmother IN THE SAME ROOM?? it was like a game of dueling tall tales.
  
• smoked my reserved cigarette.
  

when i started this blog, i intended to tally up money and calories spent, and probably make some joke about my current alcohol-by-volume. and my current volume. but i'm not brave enough to try to count these calories. i think it's safe to call this an alcohol-fueled binge.

i don't regret it too much. i had a fantabulous birthday weekend. tonight bk and i will sweat out the last of the booze and then i'll probably walk the 2 miles home if the weather holds. just for a little extra push before i face my shiny! new! accurate! scale tomorrow.

focus today: WATER. sticking to the plan. exercise.

14, 12, 10, 8, 26, 27, 2!

last night i learned two things:

1. i am becoming more optimistic... through PRACTICE. fake it 'til you make it, baby.
2. i am decidedly pear-shaped. or, at least, thick of thigh.

so... for WHATEVER reason, we all start cycling at like ten of eight. we're all up there, pedaling away. hm is walking around doing the fitness instructor patter ("how'd it feel last week?" "great form!" "let me adjust your seat, there, isn't that better?") and we all sort of giggle and wonder why we came back. by the time we're into the actual workout, though, it's already like 8:15. e looks at me and looks at the clock meaningfully. meaning oh holy fucknuts we're all going to diiiiiie. except the skinny bitches up front. i'm like, rock on! we're 1/3 of the way done!by the last climb at 8:40 i can see everyone is losing form, huffing and puffing and generally ready for this to be OV. ER. i feel the same way, but i see myself in the mirror and smile because, hello? i feel incredible! i look damn good! and i haven't had to sit down!

and at that point i just want to shake all those sad-face people and be like, HI! HAVE YOU MET YOUR AMAZING BODY? SMILE! AND DON'T SACRIFICE FORM!

(and then i would have to kill myself because, well, i hate people who tell other people how to feel or behave. it's awful.)

i don't know if i've made this clear around here, but i'm still rocking the size 14s (since august!) despite being about 10 pounds from where size 12s required a belt in '04. it's coming off in a different order this time. when i say 14s i refer to jeans, the uniform of my life. i work in a very casual office. i'm not really a sweatpants-at-home person, either, it's jeans or pajamas. i rarely go anywhere too dressy for jeans. i wore size 12 pants at halloween. it seems my mom was right all those years when she was telling me your jeans size is a size bigger than your regular pants size. i also wore a size 12 skirt to my uncle's funeral in december.

when i was down to 155 in '03-'04, i bought this dress. it's from ann taylor, my secret lover, where i worked at the time. it's a dark red cotton vee-neck number with tonal embroidery at the hem and is generally very, very pretty. a 10. i wore it once, opening night of a play i understudied in, basically the peak of my theater career, and never had another occasion. or, at least, that it FIT for. the next summer, i knew i was closer to a 14 than a 10, but ann had an incredible deal on this brown eyelet slip/sheath dress with a fuchsia underlay. and i'd just bought fuchsia pumps-- also at a great discount-- and, oh, i would lose the weight! no problem! bought it in a ten. it's never fit me. i loaned it to a skinny friend for a PAGEANT. (she didn't win, but the dress was a hit.)

of course, you know about my most recent "goal dress" foolishness. an 8! clearly somebody's on crack around here.

so, last night, after spinning, i was looking at it. it hangs (in plastic) on my bedroom door and i was just gazing at it. god, i hoped it would fit. only 2.5 months! i can conservatively hope to lose 10 pounds in that time. it will be okay, right??

my husband talked me in to trying it on.

it fit. of course, it's a-line, but the top was perfect! i could use some smoothing, but that's what spanx are for!

so i tried the brown eyelet. it's pretty sheathy, straight up and down. it fit. the red cotton? i'm wearing it to the ssil's shower in two weeks. DOING IT.

i feel SO. FUCKING. GOOD. i don't even care that i won't know what i weigh for sure for two weeks. i'm keeping on keeping on. if i lose 10, 15 or 20 pounds by The Wedding, all the better, but MAN. things fit. i'm fit.

so, this is very long, BUT. i need to outline my PLANNED post for today, too.

in two days i turn 26. i know, it's not old! don't freak out! i'm not. i feel, like i said, incredible. YOUNG. so i'm cool. but i want some things to HAPPEN during my 27th year. i know i will start grad school, and i need to have my weight settled by then. i need those two years to be maintenance time. so i want to carve out a goal place by september. i'd like it to be 135, but, really, i think i could be very happy at 145 or 150. i want to run a 5k and maybe a 10k. i want to learn how to swim properly. and i want to move to a 2-bedroom or bigger place.

high hopes

i had such high hopes. i guess i can still hope, but i'm going to have to ROCK my diet & water today. like, whoa. and that's going to be tough.

let me 'splain.

1. i weighed 164.2 for three days in the last week (friday, saturday & sunday)-- a NEW (this time) LOW! hence: high hopes.
2. today it's 166.2, but yesterday was a party for my brother and, though i could have done worse, there were some really fucking good sweets there, i think i ate a brownie, two blondies, a small sundae and... a blueberry crumb bar & a half. and two cookies. and hoagie (i ate ONE slice). i stuck to seltzer & veggies for several hours, though. and i only had two glasses of wine and... chex mix. but we all know that weight gained in a day (two WHOLE pounds: 7000 calories) can disappear in a day with clean eating and water.
3. so, why it's going to be hard... this is a week when i feel like i really *deserve* treats. why? because i went to the dentist today for the first time in 9 years. i have my first cavity... and my second, third & fourth. and i need to wear a night guard... forever. sexy, no? and i have to get my wisdom teeth out. i asked, how much to i really NEED to? dentist replied, that depends, how much do you want to die? ah. apparently my impaction is such that it's impossible to keep clean and an infection might not be noticed until it reached my throat and then i could suffocate. joy. TOMORROW i'm getting my annual. you know, from "the grown-up doctor" as my mom says. i love dr. l, but i'm running low on xanax! and how much can you really LOVE someone who's coming at you with a speculum and giant mascara brush?? oh, and those fillings? wednesday. SOMEBODY better buy me a margarita or six after this week.

bonus news: i start spinning THIIIIIIIIS WEEEEEEK! i hope to have some pretty bangin' legs by ssil's shower in a month. i'd love to wear my riding boots and a skirt. or this one red dress i have...

what else, what else... my uncle (who is awkward, socially, but gay so i'm not creeped out by this, and who also struggles with his weight) commented that i look "very trim and tight" since the last time he saw me about a month ago! HOORAY! my sister remains about twice my size and still nowhere near as pretty as me AND will apparently not finish grad school before i do! (to "hooray" that would be mean, but i'm doing my chair dance of inappropriate glee right now.) and... i'm stretching here, but... my birthday is at the end of next week and, if patterns hold, i will have good chunk of clothing gift cards to spend when i get down to sizes i don't own yet. AWESOME.

so, to recap: i'd love to see 164 tomorrow. and then lose 5 pounds in the first two weeks of spinning so i can be under 160 for my birthday. after that, under 150 by the end of april and close to (or below) 145 by mid-to-late may. 135 or a size 8 some time this summer.

dear spinning gods:
please to let me lose weight like everyone says i will. thanks a billion.
becklette

oh, yes, lent

today marks the beginning of lent. oh, yes. lent.

every year since i can remember, my grandmother, a woman who sends off checks of $10 or $20 to various religious orders whenever whatever thing she'd asked their patron for comes true. like... she found the keys she'd asked st. anthony to help her find (dear st. anthony, please come around, something is lost and cannot be found) or i graduate from college (thanks to st. rita, patron saint of hopeless cases, of course, not that i was one class away after taking a semester off!) and still buys novenas and masses and confesses at 78, gives up whalemeat and watermelon for lent. whalemeat. and watermelon. as a child, i was required to REPORT on my lenten sacrifice every evening at dinner. my parents have since been excommunicated for attending a church that has a woman priest.

i do exactly jack shit for lent now. know why? cause i'm not catholic.

now, i think it's great that lent provides a convenient stretch of time for other people to challenge themselves, but man, that shit is FRAUGHT around here. i can't do it.

which is okay.

but easter is just six and a half weeks away, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't have a goal. dudes, i want to go to easter dinner, with my salted meat pies and lamb cakes, to dive into a pan of my grandmother-in-law's homemade pierogies, wearing size 12 pants... or smaller.

how hard can that be? i'll be 5 weeks into spinning by then. and i'll be working out with bk for... 8 weeks by then? damn. i'll be tracking my calories & nutrients. pushing my water. i can do it, right?

yesterday was better than i've been. aside from forgetting my hot dogs (if you don't know about the 45 calorie hebrew national hot dogs, you MUST go get them now.) i did okaaaay. well, not great. i also had a lindor truffle-- dark chocolate-- before my workout (78), two wedges of homemade scallion pancake before dinner (like 120) and a tiny wedge of the 8" chocolate chipper i made for my husband (50? it was tiny). not awesome. no green check. but better.

so, can i say this? i look pretty great in clothes. i mean, i know how to dress myself well, and now that i'm down to a medium top and size 14 pants, not quite noticeably huge anymore, i can pull off normal. but spring & summer are coming (aren't they??) and i might want to wear... capris. yeah, that's right, i can't even pull off capris. because my legs are enormous. or SKIRTS or DRESSES. (like that size 8 j. crew number!) i'm sure that toning up is going to help, but i have to lose 20 more pounds. the floppy bits are... well, they're really upsetting me. why am i not losing??

mkay.

my ability to for coherent thoughts has been miraculously returned to me. maybe.

so, i am clearly VERY bummed about my stay-the-same. honestly, i worked my ass off and i got my little green checks nearly every day! i can't help but think... was it the second glass of wine? the brownie? can going over your calorie limit by 300 calories FOR THE WEEK, really fuck up my day THAT MUCH? i should be losing two pounds a week! i should be 162 this week! i weighed two pounds less than this last. frigging. year.

sometimes (like NOW) i feel like i have no idea how i got here. like it was just a lot of dumb luck. what's worse is that HERE is a place i'm pretty familiar with. HERE is where i spent high school. HERE is where i was six years ago. HERE is not the end, or the goal or even someplace i think i wouldn't hate. HERE is the sucktastic world of stretch marked knees and floppy tummy and size 14s.

don't get me wrong, i'm not sitting here thinking, well, shit, i might as well be a 20 if i'm going to be a 14! i'm really not. but i am thinking i just want to be a 10!

my dress came yesterday. it fit. i mean... it zipped. no problem. it doesn't look as good as it will WHEN i lose 20 pounds, but it goes on. i could pull it off with a shrug and some restrictive undergarments. that's pretty cool. but i need to lose 20 pounds. and i can't.

i'm honestly baffled right now. i have no idea why i can't seem to lose weight. i want to go back to my doctor and BEG her for help, but last time i was there they informed me that i had, in fact, lost three pounds in six months and maybe i should try alli? she had a patient who lost fifteen pounds with absolutely no side effects...

i want to punch things. i want to eat things. i mean, shit, if i'm not going to lose any weight, why don't i get to have something i ENJOY once in a while??

or was that 360 calorie brownie last night the reason i didn't lose?

but i'm focusing. really. i am. i'm drinking my water. i'm eating my planned meals. i'm exercising. i'm going to have a nice friend date tonight, with ONE drink, and tomorrow i'm going to follow the plan and prep for my grad school interview. which, ps, is thursday morning.

um, apparently, i dare

and... i bought it. in an 8. holy shitburgers.

so, yesterday shook down like this:

1. water: 4+ liters, 3 1/2 of them PLAIN WATER
2. calories: a bit over when my stomach was growling at bedtime-- i had two crackers
3. nutrients: CHECK!
4. shred: eh. my wrist did this thing where it feels like it's spraining righthtisverymoment if i put pressure on it wrong, so i swapped out moves that put pressure on it after the first walking push-up set. so, no, i didn't give it my ALL, per se, but i got through it and i'm going to add more cardio today... i'm not sure how yet, but i am. i suppose with my stepper tonight, my bike once it's fixed and the track when it's not FREEZING.
   

so. i bought it. WOW.

well... today's focus is on water, calories, nutrients, shred AND an extra 15 minutes of cardio.