goals & plans

• pack workday lunches>> all week!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> all week!
  
• plan weekly dinners>> whoops, we skipped cooking out for a storm that never came; ate steamed chicken & broccoli, white rice and a veg egg roll instead.
  
• run 5k#2 >> next week
  
• run 2-3 times a week>> eh... will probably squeeze in 2 this week: monday & sunday
  
• start swimming lessons>> promise to ask at the gym sunday! swearsies!
  
• get a massage>> see above
  
• record my p+>> all week! a bridal shower looms tomorrow, though...
  

plan for the weekend:

• tonight we have happy hour for a departing colleague of my husband's. i'll opt for a diet soda.
• planned dinner is fish for him, eggs for me.
• then we have a community art show! there will be wine and i will drink some.
• tomorrow is the FARMERS MARKET! my brother/trainer is at the shore, so i'll get my new drivers license then hit the market at open (9) and hang out soaking up the awesome until noon when...
• ... i'll head to a bridal shower. the hostess is a weight watcher, so i have high hopes. but i'll gorge myself on farm fresh strawberries so sweet and ripe the only part you don't eat is the leaves just. in. case.
  
• after the shower i hope to have a quiet evening at home, but may have to do a birthday dinner for smil.
• sunday i'll hit the gym at 10 for a jog & my swim/massage inquiries.
  
• then i'll knock out part 2 of my accounting final.
  

and then the weekend is over...

down periscope

i need a colposcopy. again. my cervix is not trustworthy. i was trying to describe the procedure to a friend but the "microscope" part was throwing her off. it's more like a periscope. you assume The Position and the doctor spends 5-10 minutes looking over your cervix with a periscope.

i am exhausted. i don't want drama and problems. i want a routine appointment to be ROUTINE. i hate working this job, going to school and taking care of the house. i hate knowing that i'll have to do all that next year while my husband goes to school full time. i hate how he questions if it's wise to try to do "all that" in a year. (all that = 3 terms overloading at 4 classes.) while i do half of that AND work and volunteer and keep house. i hate the sinking feeling that i'll need to stay in a job i hate, working to support us instead of staying home with kids for a couple years. instead of having kids, maybe. i hate knowing that every unlikely part of this adventure has happened: abnormal pap is unlikely to need a biopsy; biopsy is unlikely to need a leep; leep cures 90% of patients... and then comes the small percentage who pass the virus on during birth. well, shit. i guess my uterus is closed for business unless i get three clear tests in the next year and a half.

.................

it's june. goals:

• pack workday lunches
• eat workday breakfasts at home
• plan weekly dinners
• run 5k#2
• run 2-3 times a week
• start swimming lessons
• get a massage
• record my p+
  

yesterday

yesterday's weigh in: 152.2 (an obvious consequence of how lazy i was with my monthly goals)

yesterday's 5k time: 45ish minutes (unofficial, obvs)

yesterday's agenda: the girl who played with fire and the girl who kicked the hornet's nest in the original swedish (the movies, obvs)

yesterday's food: a humungo diner breakfast, leftover weight watchers pasta primavera, fat free brownie, vanilla ice cream bon bon, peanuts

yesterday's drink: mimosas! (2) and water water water.

now i'm back to regularly scheduled life. breakfasts and lunches are made, dinners are planned, need to plan workouts today.


..........


i approximated running the whole time. k (my friend) ran ahead when i started to flag in the second mile. she kept the 13 minute mile pace the whole time. bk (my brother: big k) stuck with me, even though it was probably harder for him to go increasingly slower each mile than it would have been to finish in 20 minutes. my cousin ck (coach k) who coached bk in high school track was there unexpectedly. he finished in a slow 21:something but stuck around for 25 minutes to hand me a water bottle--opened! how thoughtful-- at the finish line.

dudes, it was hot as shit out. i sweated buckets. and the sun, oh god, the sun. and the HILLS. i wish i lived in jersey. where it's flat.

but i ran it.

now i need some synthetic running gear or i will surely die this summer.

holiday weekend

in 6 hours, my holiday weekend begins.

my 5k weekend.

my farmers' market weekend.

in arts administration (the field i'm getting my ms in) there is a concept called BHAG: Big Hairy Audacious Goal. what is the *thing* your organization would like to achieve in a PERFECT WORLD. like, "bring a love and appreciation of classical music to every fifth grader in the country." some crazy, impossible shit.

my running BHAG was to be able to run 5 miles, in a row, in about an hour. then i would do that 3-5 times a week. and i would be fit and healthy.

i'm going to have to make it 6 because on wednesday, i ran 4 miles in 53 minutes.

i will likely be running the 5k alone on monday. my running buddy wants to maintain a 10-12 minute mile and i don't think i can do much better than 13, especially with hills and heat. my brother would probably die if he ran that slow. but even if i'm running it alone, i'm RUNNING it. i can totes do it.

despite not making breakfast ahead this week and only half-assing lunches (i made the red beans, but got bored and didn't do the rice!) i still have not bought food during the day. it's been tempting to hop on the scale and just see since noticing how well my clothes fit-- or how large-- and how well i've done on ww and with my workouts. but i'm managing to wait.

.................

question: did anyone else feel really inadequate after seeing the biggest loser finale? i didn't watch the season (SO. SLOW. AND. OVERWROUGHT. OMG. WEIGH IN ALREADY!) but the sisters who were the final 2? they did not look like they'd ever been fat. no bulky calf and thigh muscles, no flappy arms and boob, no deep nasal-labial folds. they looked like freaking models. /end whine

................

so, for the weekend:

• stick to ww every day-- track and mind limits
• go to only ONE family/holiday event and track it
• workout friday (?), lift saturday, walk sunday, race monday!
• weigh in an post monday
  

it's working!

first, a halfway-point goal check-in:

• i will prepare my own breakfasts AND lunches all 17 workdays this month (i work full-time hours in 4 days a week) mission accomplished so far!
  
• i will workout at least 4x a week this month only managed 3 last week (but 5 the week before!) because of a strained hip flexor.
  
• i will sign up for and complete my first 5k race this month signed up, almost done training!
  
• i will sign up for my second 5k race (july 14) this month, and set a time goal and speed-work schedule have not done this, but i plan to sign up for a whole series.
  
• i will schedule my annual massage for early next month my fave therapist went back to college and was replaced with an older man who doesn't do the nice, relaxing stuff, so i'm looking for a new one.
  
• i will track my points+ and activity all month, every day, even special events doin' it! even managed to track a bridal shower yesterday!
  

so. this week i prepared my own breakfasts & lunches on workdays. i also stuck to my daily and same-day earned activity points+, and didn't dip into my weekly flex p+ at all! i also didn't weigh myself daily (though, i did hop on yesterday morning for an advance peek) so i didn't cheat based on how i was doing.

verdict: IT WORKED! i lost 1.8 pounds this week for an official weight of 153.8! but... when i peeked on sunday (before cake at the shower and pizza at home) i was at 152.2!! this week i'm planning to keep packing meals, workout m-th-f-s-s. and not weighing myself again until... let's face it, sunday, before my grandma's birthday party. (though i will be on a scale tomorrow around 1.30 at my yearly cervical scrape. which, yeah, after last year's experience, i'm a bit stressed about.)

AND. i will post two photo updates this week: one of my arm flap and one of my all dolled up (and faced?) for the party on sunday.

MAY

in one month it will be summer. welllll... sort of. memorial day, not the solstice. but i count june as summer, full stop. every year for the past fifteen or so (maybe more like 18?) i've promised myself i would be thin "by next summer." yeah, i'm not thin. maybe i never will be. but i'm going to feel good THIS summer.

to that end:

• i will prepare my own breakfasts AND lunches all 17 workdays this month (i work full-time hours in 4 days a week)
• i will workout at least 4x a week this month
• i will sign up for and complete my first 5k race this month
• i will sign up for my second 5k race (july 14) this month, and set a time goal and speed-work schedule
• i will schedule my annual massage for early next month
• i will track my points+ and activity all month, every day, even special events

my weight is not doing what i want it to do. my body, while stronger and healthier every day, is not nice looking. i have to relax and let go. i feel like time is running short for this, since i want to maintain my weight for a full year before getting pregnant and be fit enough to keep up serious exercise during pregnancy. but i have 13 months of BNGS left and i need to focus on that.

progress

okay. wanna know something totally gross? i slept through the night last night and woke up with YELLOW SNOT! yellow snot is The Official Symptom Of The Beginning Of The End Of A Cold. and i haz it.

starting tuesday i've made myself nut up and eat real food, not comfort food, and drink water, not juice. it's been rough, but i'm making it. AND i'm losing weight.

i'm not sure how the weekend is going to shake out just yet, but i'm likely to have to do most of last weekend's canceled activities, plus those planned for this weekend. so, yeah, that's a lot. but i'm also going to the BNGS gym again to make the arc trainer my bitch. the goal of the arc trainer situation is to eventually get up to an hour of that and knock out like 600 calories in each workout. also to get back some lower bod & cardio strength for (another) triumphant return to running in march.

so... better. i feel better. i've done a good deal of schoolwork for the week so i can focus on 2 major assignments due on tuesday. and i'm not in a fight with my scale any more. hooray. next week's weigh in might even be-- gasp!-- less than january 1!

did it!

3/4 of a mile in. a. row.

took me 14 minutes-- that's about a minute shy of my walking pace. i don't care, though, because increasing my distance by 1/4 mile a week means i'll be jogging 5 miles by december. it means the 5k i'd been daydreaming about running with my friends and family for my birthday can be a TENk.

i just told my trainer-brother that i want to run the 5k in our town this november.

153.8. whatthefuckever.

rice & beans

if i took one thing away from my vacation in puerto rico it's that a frozen rum beverage followed by a nap is the. best. afternoon. ever. if i took TWO things, the other is the rice & beans = win. so i'm on a mission to get this magical combo of unspectacular foods into our life. to that end, i bought (among other ingredients) a package of instant ortega black beans & rice.

ummm, and today i'm puffed up like a thanksgiving parade float. ortega rice & beans? not my friend.

so, i actually weighed in at 155.0 this morning, which made me really not want to go to the track. but i was up and feeling like a cow so i did.

i jogged 1/2 a mile in a row again and then walked another quarter before heading home. total time working out: 30 minutes. friday's workout plan is to job the half, walk a quarter and then jog another quarter. (my jogging pace? is approximately a 14 minute mile. i'm pretty pleased with that.)

so i weighed myself post-jog and more naked to a pretty reasonable 153.4. i did not pack the rice & beans for lunch. instead i pulled together some fruit and nonfat greek yogurt. mmmmm. yogurt. the rest of the week needs to be awesomely clean because we have a weekend family reunion/drunkfest this weekend and we both REALLY need to get some motivation on the scale friday morning.

so.

i'm not feeling great about the scale, but i DO feel great about jogging. i'm going to break 150 this week. i'm pretty sure.

shame

mostly stayed in my calories.

walked.

didn't do sit-ups and push-ups due to being a cry baby over my final hpv vaccine shot. (motherfucker HURTS. STILL.) why get the vaccine for a virus i already have? because we assume my husband also has it and, if the odds are in my favor and the leep actually causes it to clear out, my husband and i could just keep reinfecting each other... forever. delightful, no? apparently, though, each of the 3 shots hurts worse than the previous one. i remember #1 hurt for about a month but i don't remember #2 hurting at all. #3 made me say "holy SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT!" as the needle was withdrawn.

didn't wake up and go to the track. dunno why. feel crummy.

152.4. i'm adjusting the goal for this week to 152.0. because i already met 152.6.

whoops

and... then i didn't walk last night OR jog this morning.

TODAY:

1. don't eat beyond plan
2. drink loads of water
3. walk
4. sit-ups and push-ups
5. get to bed early for a morning workout!

today's weight, btw? 152.8. ABUH? whatever. my goal for this week is 152.6. that's my goal. and i have 6 days to get there.

lmp

i read somewhere, a long time ago, the the first day of your period is the day to start a new diet because... i forget. whatever. does it matter? those little things stick in your head.

the past two weeks i've been lethargic and weird. off my game, for sure. i couldn't recall the date of my last period. i imagined asking for a peestick at my lady doctor appointment tomorrow (last shot!). i was pretty sure that bottle of rum/that bed with an ocean view/that six days of relaxation was going to leave me considering fajardo as a middle name for an actual human child.

meanwhile, i made my lunches for the week, slept in my workout clothes and set an alarm for 6am.

at 5:55 i got my period. of course. a relief, but also... i dunno. i'd have to get pregnant by accident to ever be pregnant, i think, so part of me sort of hopes.

...

i went to the track anyway. it was shy of 75* and it felt sooooooo gooooooooooooood. i jogged 1/4 mile TWICE with one walked in between. and i walked the 3/4 of a mile round-trip. so 1.5 miles down by 6:45 in the morning!

so this weekend i managed to eat fairly well, if high sodium, walk once (last night) and prep my lunches.

and? i maintained. 154.6.

this week i'm going to the track every morning, and jogging at least 1/2 mile, at least 3 of those mornings. i'm eating my planned foods. and i'm walking with my husband. back in the game.

...

there will be a pool party at my in-laws in 5 weeks. my sister-in-law is coming to visit. if i buckle the fuck down i can maybe make it to 145.

goal for this week is 152.6.

surprisingly good news

dude, man, you're not going to believe this. as of today, i am de-puffed and weighing less than i did before i left for puerto rico.

new diet plan: up early. huge breakfast. walk all morning. fried snack with blended rum beverage. nap. read. dinner of whatever sounds good, in moderation. cuba libre. cuba libre. cuba libre. read. asleep by 10.

okay, the truth is that we only ate 3 full meals ONE DAY on vacation. likewise, we only ate dessert ONE DAY (small ice cream cones). we also got a fair amount of exercise walking around the resort, old san juan (and the fort!), hiking in the rainforest and on my two trips to the fitness center.

but i certainly didn't expect to be up only 1.5 pounds. or DOWN once i lost my plane-puff.

today will be another slightly-off day. we don't have all the groceries we need yet since i only went to the produce store yesterday. today i'll hit tj's. tonight we plan to walk and do strength training. so. yeah.

now that i've more or less taken a week off i'm going to have to reevaluate my plans. next up? in 18 days we've got a family reunion. i'd like to be under 150 then, so goal for this week is 153.0. or a loss of another 1.6 pounds.

math FAIL

okay, okay, TODAY i'm exactly four pounds higher than i want to weigh on tuesday morning! 153.8. yesterday it was 5. UGH.

so, i'm doing fine. i'm filling up with fresh fruits and veggies (5-6 servings a day!) during work and enjoying husband-grilled dinners. there may be some slips involving leftover chocolate cheesecake, homemade peanut butter cookies and some edy's apple pie ice cream. but they have been TINY slips and, frankly, you save a lot of calories when you eat a pound and a half of fresh produce for breakfast + lunch + snacks.

it's be about a zillion degrees around here lately, so exercise isn't what it should be. but because it's been so hot, i've been experimenting with skirts and... damn. i think i'm about to buy some shorts! i don't hate my legs (except the part that will be covered by a 5" inseam)!

oh, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, hold on to your hats, ladies, i'm going to POST A PICTURE!! tonight or this weekend. because tonight my husband is buying us a new camera while i'm having my biweekly chat with dr. y! and if you gush and stuff, i might even post some from my fabulous tropical vacation NEXT WEEK.

meantime... yeah. i have a few trouble spots, and 15 or so stubborn pounds, but i feel pretty good.

despite wanting the scale to be much lowered by tuesday.

still hope

up to 152.4 today! not cool, body. not cool, self, who ordered the mu shu vegetables.

anyway. onward and downward. tonight i'll have a baked panko-crusted chicken cutlet, a small serving of pasta and salad, salad, salad. tomorrow i'll bring a veggie tray to the barbecue. sunday and monday will be all about produce, hydration and exercise.

btw, can i say this? i'm super-happy for all my newly engaged friends (we're at that age and there are four weddings brewing, plus one or two more engagements on the horizon), but... mildly jealous? i dunno, man, getting married asap was important five years ago because ooh, we were sooo in loooooove (still are!) but it would have been nice to be, like, a fully formed adult at the time. and thinner.

anywho. 150.4? eeep. but i've got 4 days.

baker's remorse

so, i make this... confection. we call it double-cake, which is pretty uncreative, but whatever. it's a cheesecake with a cake on top. and it always ends up garnished with something else (butterscotch pudding, chocolate ganache, pretzels, strawberries...). it's really good, but it's an enormous pain in the ass to make. so, of course, i have to make it for my husband's birthday. of course.

since we're going out to dinner tonight, and then to liquor wonderland to stock up, i started the cake last night. this year's cake is a chocolate cheesecake with a peanut butter cookie crust, banana cake, chocolate ganache and a peanut butter drizzle. so, feeling very clever, i picked up sutter's formula peanut butter cookies at tj's. make that peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. balls. okay, the cookies couldn't be used for my cake so i ate two. they fit in my calories and most of the rest are at the office now. then i had to make peanut butter cookies. WELL. feel free to add peanut butter bookie dough to the list of pre-baked confections i can't resist.

then it turned out that i'd baked way more than i needed. and THEN i made the chocolate cheesecake which just smelled sooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

bites, licks and tastes later, i couldn't manage a walk and my weight was up. 151.6. awesome.

so tonight i'm going to bake a cake, do my body-weight resistance workout, walk to dinner and walk back before going to the booze store.

i'm just really glad we'll have two quiet days to focus after this crazy weekend!

holding out

i'm still on track. it's been a hell of a week, but i'm still on track. except i didn't do weights last night.

(151.2 today.)

tonight, we're having a regular dinner at home-- grilled pork chops and sugar snap peas-- and i'm baking a chocolate cheesecake with peanut butter cookie crust for my husband's birthday. tomorrow we're going out with his dad and stepmom. we're hoping for japanese, or else i have to check out bertucci's. friday is the birthday dinner with my parents and brothers: panko crusted, baked chicken parm and the cheesecake. cheesecake disposal plan is to cut the leftovers in half, sending half home with my brothers and slicing & freezing the other half. saturday is our friends' barbecue, to which i'm bringing veggies & greek yogurt ranch dip.

anyway. still plugging along.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

just like odysseus

last night i resisted the siren song of ice cream, beer and my bed. we took a walk. we spent, seriously, HOURS debating the merits of various birthday-dessert options. i was rewarded with a drop to 151.4. goal for monday remains 150.4. one pound.

i'm pretty sure it can be done.

today's food is all planned out (sprouted grain toast with butter, coffee, cucumber, whole wheat pasta with light dressing, kiwifruit with skin, grilled chicken, corn on the cob, beer OR ice cream) and workouts agreed upon (bodyweight resistance & a walk).

and that's about all there is to report.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

round numbers

i've lost 84 pounds. my husband has lost 49. we're both looking at getting to our milestone this week. i LOVE having a partner.

he'll be 28 on friday. i'm making chicken parm from scratch and a chocolate cheesecake topped with banana cake, chocolate ganache and peanut butter drizzle with a nutter butter crust. i still haven't gotten him a gift. i don't even know what to get him. not new clothes because a) that's not a present, it's something he needs, b) we just enjoyed the old gravy 30% off sale yesterday and c) i just did a whole load of clothes that fit him again!

so... puerto rico! two weeks! two pounds! actually, this week i'm shooting for 150.4. i'm planning on being UNDER 150 when we leave. and maintaining while we're there. i've packed my lunches. we've planned out all of our dinners for the week and committed to walking together every. night. and i'll do two body-weight workouts and a full weight workout. will.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

happy birthday, robert!

saw a friend from college in company last night. the actress playing joanne ("here's to the ladies who lunch") is battling cancer and at intermission there was an acs fundraiser... buy a slice of bobby's birthday cake. mmmmmmm. birthday cake. you can pretty much buy my love with a birthday cake.

after the show-- at about 11:45-- the friend and her husband came over for a drink. we had some tortilla chips and my favorite new gin cocktails. obvs, am up to 154.4 today. and i got my goddamn period.

my husband decided that he would pick up the old ladies himself, then com home to shower and THEN we'd go to the party (at about 6:30) so we're eating a sensible dinner at home. thank god. we will not eat at the party. at all. we're good at absolutes. i think this week might still turn out okay.