holiday weekend

in 6 hours, my holiday weekend begins.

my 5k weekend.

my farmers' market weekend.

in arts administration (the field i'm getting my ms in) there is a concept called BHAG: Big Hairy Audacious Goal. what is the *thing* your organization would like to achieve in a PERFECT WORLD. like, "bring a love and appreciation of classical music to every fifth grader in the country." some crazy, impossible shit.

my running BHAG was to be able to run 5 miles, in a row, in about an hour. then i would do that 3-5 times a week. and i would be fit and healthy.

i'm going to have to make it 6 because on wednesday, i ran 4 miles in 53 minutes.

i will likely be running the 5k alone on monday. my running buddy wants to maintain a 10-12 minute mile and i don't think i can do much better than 13, especially with hills and heat. my brother would probably die if he ran that slow. but even if i'm running it alone, i'm RUNNING it. i can totes do it.

despite not making breakfast ahead this week and only half-assing lunches (i made the red beans, but got bored and didn't do the rice!) i still have not bought food during the day. it's been tempting to hop on the scale and just see since noticing how well my clothes fit-- or how large-- and how well i've done on ww and with my workouts. but i'm managing to wait.

.................

question: did anyone else feel really inadequate after seeing the biggest loser finale? i didn't watch the season (SO. SLOW. AND. OVERWROUGHT. OMG. WEIGH IN ALREADY!) but the sisters who were the final 2? they did not look like they'd ever been fat. no bulky calf and thigh muscles, no flappy arms and boob, no deep nasal-labial folds. they looked like freaking models. /end whine

................

so, for the weekend:

• stick to ww every day-- track and mind limits
• go to only ONE family/holiday event and track it
• workout friday (?), lift saturday, walk sunday, race monday!
• weigh in an post monday
  

lmp

i read somewhere, a long time ago, the the first day of your period is the day to start a new diet because... i forget. whatever. does it matter? those little things stick in your head.

the past two weeks i've been lethargic and weird. off my game, for sure. i couldn't recall the date of my last period. i imagined asking for a peestick at my lady doctor appointment tomorrow (last shot!). i was pretty sure that bottle of rum/that bed with an ocean view/that six days of relaxation was going to leave me considering fajardo as a middle name for an actual human child.

meanwhile, i made my lunches for the week, slept in my workout clothes and set an alarm for 6am.

at 5:55 i got my period. of course. a relief, but also... i dunno. i'd have to get pregnant by accident to ever be pregnant, i think, so part of me sort of hopes.

...

i went to the track anyway. it was shy of 75* and it felt sooooooo gooooooooooooood. i jogged 1/4 mile TWICE with one walked in between. and i walked the 3/4 of a mile round-trip. so 1.5 miles down by 6:45 in the morning!

so this weekend i managed to eat fairly well, if high sodium, walk once (last night) and prep my lunches.

and? i maintained. 154.6.

this week i'm going to the track every morning, and jogging at least 1/2 mile, at least 3 of those mornings. i'm eating my planned foods. and i'm walking with my husband. back in the game.

...

there will be a pool party at my in-laws in 5 weeks. my sister-in-law is coming to visit. if i buckle the fuck down i can maybe make it to 145.

goal for this week is 152.6.

round numbers

i've lost 84 pounds. my husband has lost 49. we're both looking at getting to our milestone this week. i LOVE having a partner.

he'll be 28 on friday. i'm making chicken parm from scratch and a chocolate cheesecake topped with banana cake, chocolate ganache and peanut butter drizzle with a nutter butter crust. i still haven't gotten him a gift. i don't even know what to get him. not new clothes because a) that's not a present, it's something he needs, b) we just enjoyed the old gravy 30% off sale yesterday and c) i just did a whole load of clothes that fit him again!

so... puerto rico! two weeks! two pounds! actually, this week i'm shooting for 150.4. i'm planning on being UNDER 150 when we leave. and maintaining while we're there. i've packed my lunches. we've planned out all of our dinners for the week and committed to walking together every. night. and i'll do two body-weight workouts and a full weight workout. will.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

happy birthday, robert!

saw a friend from college in company last night. the actress playing joanne ("here's to the ladies who lunch") is battling cancer and at intermission there was an acs fundraiser... buy a slice of bobby's birthday cake. mmmmmmm. birthday cake. you can pretty much buy my love with a birthday cake.

after the show-- at about 11:45-- the friend and her husband came over for a drink. we had some tortilla chips and my favorite new gin cocktails. obvs, am up to 154.4 today. and i got my goddamn period.

my husband decided that he would pick up the old ladies himself, then com home to shower and THEN we'd go to the party (at about 6:30) so we're eating a sensible dinner at home. thank god. we will not eat at the party. at all. we're good at absolutes. i think this week might still turn out okay.

...

last night on the way home from work, our car made a terrible noise. like a kid trying to slurp one more sip of chocolate milk through a straw. it made it on the highway and then it got worse as we idled at the exit. and then it went away, but we took it straight to the mechanic, anyway.

we left the mechanic around 6 (when they close), in a car we'd borrowed from my dad. halfway home i realized the i WOULD make it in time for spinning, barely. i texted e. she had a headache. i? went. anyway.

best workout. ever.

my stomach remains a terrible mess. and i'm premenstrual. and i swear to god, if i didn't have a long weekend to look forward to, i would just die.

157.8 today.

uncool

so, you know how i spent much of last week bleeding from my surgery? lucky me, guess what time of the month it is... by my post-op appointment on the 11th, i will be wishing i'd bought stock in always.

take a bullet for me?

• bk kicked my ass sideways last night... when will i learn to tell him EVERY workout makes me sore?
• i ate purple jellybeans for dinner. and an egg for dessert. a chicken egg, not a cadbury egg.
• there was a missed call with no message on my phone shortly before 5 when i would not be near a computer for 5 hours. so i called my gyn's office to ask if it was them. wasn't. later i reverse look-uped it and it was a tailor. weird.
  
• i've been bleeding from the biopsy since tuesday and now it's *real* bleeding... oh, yes, that time of the month... a visit from whatever euphemistic aunt you prefer... my sacred moon time.
  
• i'm going to a chiropractor next week as my lower back pain has only INCREASED since i've been working & stretching it regularly.
  
• we're going to my grandmother's for dinner tonight. mmm, lasagna.
• i'm f'ing tired. and i don't seem to ever get to rest.
  

i don't know how much i weigh

it seems i am a little bit of a packrat. hm. i don't WANT to be. i mean, i'm all about clearing stuff out and living clutter-free (unless the stuff in question is wearable), but i'm super lazy so i rarely get around to, you know, DOING anything about it.

so, apparently, over a year ago when i made >200 and got my new scale, i never threw out the old one. hooray. not so hooray? how ON EARTH did i ever know how much i weighed. i mean, sure, i know i weigh ROUGHLY 165 right now, but... is that 164.4 or 166.2???

i'm going to buy the scale consumer reports said was most accurate. i don't know why. it just... seems like a good idea. and it costs half as much as my old scale.

this weekend was... hard. let's put it this way, there were three days to it (since we were sprung for a storm that never was at 10am): the day i got my period early, the day i drank four glasses of wine and the day i though chocolate would make my cramps go away.

friday we got out early, obviously, but the roads were clear by 5 so i went to bk and he kicked my ass but good. it was great. i did supermans and military presses and skull-crushers (which are my FAVORITE exercise) and curls while i stood on the bosu ball and it was awesome. and i stayed in my calories, too! and it was a major exercise in willpower because, what the hell? do i get my period on friday now instead of saturday? uncool.

saturday started out great. i was up early and to the grocery store that had seltzer water & turkey bacon on sale (WOOT!). then i remembered to swing into cvs to pick up the prescription i don't want to take, but i know the rules. i still don't have an rx card two full months into having this insurance, but they said to give the pharmacist my regular card and it would be fine, or the pharmacy could call them and it would be fine. so i tell the tech my name, it takes her eight hundred years to find my script, she asks for my new rx card, i tell her, i don't have one yet, but the insurance company said i could give you this and it would be fine and if it wasn't, you can call them and they'll be happy to speak with you. okay. she walks away and comes right back. ummm? this is your medical card? do you have your prescription card? like i said before, i don't have one yet, but the insurance company said i could give you this and it would be fine and if it wasn't, you can call them and they'll be happy to speak with you. oh, okay. and she puts it in the basket for someone with two brain cells to rub together to deal with. i wait. i see her screw up with three other people. i see the two pharmacists discuss my card. a younger male asks if her should do it, an older female says she was going to but it he has time, that's great. he calls my goddamn first name (HATE THAT. you have my full name in front of you, show a little goddamn respect.) and i go up. beck, this isn't your PRESCRIPTION CARD. do you have that card? that's the one we need. for the third time: i don't have one yet, but the insurance company said i could give you this and it would be fine and if it wasn't, you can call them and they'll be happy to speak with you. well, okaaaay, but it'll be a good, oh, half hour until anybody can do that for you. all put out and shit. and i kind of made a scene. this isn't really like me, so much, but i don't need cvs to hold me down while my insurance company screws me any more than i need my insurance company to hold me down while my dentists' office screws me. but my script had been called in there so i have to call my doc and have it moved and OOPS, too late, sunday's come and gone now. so when we went to a friends saturday night, i was all wound up and well, we went to college together and our husbands were meeting for the first time and... four glasses of wine.

and sunday i spent doing data entry for work. and eating chocolate. i actually thought, at one point, oh, i need to eat some chocolate, i have cramps. but since i was in the shower i couldn't do it RIGHT THEN and was forced to face that insane thought process. ummm, no. chocolate won't ACTUALLY help.

so, i don't know what i weigh today. exactly. and this morning i had 4 strips of turkey bacon for breakfast because i didn't make my french toast. lunch is pb & ab and snacks are carrots, apple, banana, almonds & woven wheats, like always. it's also bk day and i'm excited. i hope i get to do skull crushers.

aunt dot

when i was a kid, my mom called your period a "visit from aunt dot" kinda like message boards now call it "aunt flo" but dot = period. get it? it was always especially confusing to me because i HAVE a great aunt dot.

yeah, so, pms.

man, i ate SO MUCH chocolate this weekend. SO F'ING MUCH. it was astounding. and carbs. and wine (okay, two glasses). but i stayed in my calories! i DID! and i shredded DOUBLE DUTY on saturday! i did level two and then i did level one! AND THEN i did 17.5 minutes on my mini stepper! i worked out SO HARD!

so, would anyone like to explain why, after several days at 166.4, the scale blinked a cheerful 168.2 at me again this morning?

is it just a monday thing??

i would be lying if i said this didn't affect me at all. i mean, i even counted the brownie batter spoon i licked! i stepped for two and a half minutes longer than i planned to! i really, really tried this weekend.

so. oh, well. maybe, by some miracle, the scale will say 166 tomorrow. maybe i actually have a chance of getting PAST -70 next week. maybe i won't lose another pound ever, but my 2x a week training-- which starts tomorrow-- and my 2x a week spinning-- which starts in three weeks-- and my shredding (which goes to level THREE next week!!) will get me so ripped that i actually WILL make it to size 8 without ever getting below 168.

well. we'll see.

get ready

well. isn't that disappointing. aside from the fact that i can't recall a Tuesday Drop in recent history that could knock me down to the weight i boasted i would see on my first weigh-in of the new year, but my food scale and 30-day shred haven't arrived! and might not until TOMORROW! woe is me.

(also: was total pig for two. days. straight.)

the good news is that, despite a really unhappy number staring up at me this morning after a three-day absence from the scale, i actually ate breakfast today! it wasn't my good, well-planned, nutritious breakfast, but it was a start. (it was 2 slices of ezekiel raisin toast with apple butter and 2 strips of facon, if you're curious, and black coffee.) AND i packed 2 clementines and will buy a nice, healthy lunch. dinner will be either chicken burgers or chicken sausages with... other foods. i haven't gotten that far.

i'm trying really hard to suppress the negativity i feel about my body right now because, for one thing, it's that time of the month (AGAIN) and that's never nice and for another, well, i'm going to be working out hardcore by tomorrow at the latest, so i'll feel better then. right?

crazy scattered

obviously, things have been hectic. crazy, even. last night i realized that we are two weeks from christmas. that wouldn't really bother me except we HOST christmas dinner and... oh, MAN am i ever not ready.

i haven't started my baking. i picked up the 20 pounds of flour and some other ingredients last night, but it needs ANOTHER store for eggs and butter and ANOTHER store for nuts and chocolate and... i didn't have the energy. last night, i think we were asleep by 10.

there is not heat in my apartment yet. last year, the super (or whatever) had to come out on christmas eve day because that was the first day our heat dropped under the high sixties. i guess this winter is colder? or cold sooner?

(this is basically a bulleted list without the bullets, no?)

166. 166. 166. no matter what i do. dear god, body, JUST GIVE ME 165!

by virtue of being all... apartmenty with whitish walls and poo-brown carpet, out apartment looks dirty and dreary unless it's PERFECTLY clean and intentionally spruced up. that's a lot of work.

oh, i don't know. my brain is scattered. i would probably give an arm to be 165 on tuesday. actually... i think that would work...

wrong with this picture

i was 90% on plan yesterday. the 10% was working out. oops. today? i've already eaten chocolate. it's not even nine am. it all started because i ran out without my larabar this morning...

in any case. 167.2 means a loss of like half a pound, which isn't awful considering last week.

depression

yesterday, we allowed ourselves to sleep as late as we wanted. the mister slept until 11. i did, too. but then i stayed in bed until nearly three. and i thought a thought i don't think i've ever thought before: i'm depressed.

i mean, i KNOW i'm depressed. i suffer from depression. i'm in treatment for depression. i can identify times in my life when i have been depressed. but i've never, like, identified it when it was happening before.

i'm working now on identifying the stresses. so far i've got:

• i have officially done everything i can to get into grad school and now it's waiting.
• my husband's grad school application process came upon us rather suddenly and is just beginning.
• my body is a pill-free cycling rockstar! which means that i wake up feeling just fine every fourth saturday and by noon i'm feeling fat and gross and sore and tummy-achey. and by one i'm on the rag. yes, that saturday was two days ago.
• as anticipated, we are now broke as shit until thursday.
• as could have (SHOULD have) been anticipated, the weekend, beginning thursday night, became a food free-for-all, including a trip to dave & buster's for the husband's office holiday party.

know how many of those things i can control? ONE. i can control what i eat, what i drink and what i DO. that's how i can get out of this.

aftermath

it's not parties at my home that cause problems, it's the aftermath. you know: THE LEFTOVERS.

we had five of my husband's friends over on saturday for an exciting arrangement of beer, plus a magical grilled cheese with bacon, onions and apple and black bean quesadillas, two-bite brownies and pumpkin tarts. i will admit that i maybe didn't NEED the four pumpkin tarts (the little dudes were about an inch and a half in diameter) but i was otherwise fairly composed. i nursed a liter of seltzer while everyone munched on chips and dip and drank the first two beers (or five). when i DID have beers, i had one leftover harvest moon (NOM) and one of the lowest abv pale ales that were bought in case our female guests didn't want to drink with the big boys (they totally did-- rock on girls!). i ate just one of each sandwich-- that's about 4x4 for the grilled cheese and 1/2 an 8" tortilla.

i did good. for breakfast (you knew that had to stay over, right? did i mention 6 to 12% abv? times FIVE?) i made scrambled eggs and frozen hash browns. i had a serving of eggs and one hash brown. and then? i'd say it went downhill.

leftover tortilla chips with flax? oooooh, i NEED fiber, i've been ooogey lately.

leftover pumpkin tarts and brownies? best to get them out of the house.

leftover cinnamon sugar pita chips? deadly.

the cinnamon pudding i forgot to ever serve? left me help you with that, honey.

popcorn and reece's pieces at the movies? nom nom nom. (ps-- paranormal activity is SO NOT the "scariest movie... ever.")

1/4 pound of angel hair with butter and cheese? well, okay, that was dinner. and it was whole-wheaty or something.

obvs, i'm up a little today. but i'm cracking down in the hopes that that pretty number i'd seen on wednesday, thursday and friday will come back. i would really like to show it to you. in other news... wtf is my problem?? why can't i make myself workout?? i'm DOING IT today. not this morning, since we slept late, but i will do it when i get home. i swear on the soul of my father, domingo montoya, i will use my mini-stepper tonight and finish 15 minutes alive!*

so, yeah. maybe i'll drag that little sucker into the kitchen and do it while i make risotto for supper. or maybe right after. the outer apartment (non-bed rooms) is immaculate, so i really have no excuse not to work out. or outline my grad school application essay.

*am nerd.

running behind...

i had to buy new make-up over the weekend. i'm nearly out of my brow powder (after 4+ years, which, i know, you're not supposed to do) and my drugstore face powder just hasn't been cutting it anymore. i didn't go FULL OUT (i'm thinking gel eye-liner, that fab blush-for-people-with-races the recovering actor put on me, that awesome two-part concealer system and maybe some vairety in my eyeshadow) but i do feel terribly guilty. that was my "overweight" reward, and i'm still 6-7 pounds off of that.

i think. i didn't weight myself all weekend thanks to the time of the month. oh well.

b: fiber cereal with 1/8 cup peanuts & 1 tbs chocolate chips (250)
l: greek yogurt & pretzels (175)
d: probably squash risotto (400ish)

hm... fruit? more veg? i suck at this lately.

my scale works

(i know because i gained 6 pounds this weekend-- HOORAY!)

so, truthfully, this weekend wasn't exactly everything i'd dreamed it would be. i spent saturday morning making shortbread for my dad's birthday present and two of the five batches need to be re-done. which means two of the fave batches are sitting in my kitchen, perfectly good but not PERFECT, waiting to be eaten. then a long drive to the shore where we went directly to the restaurant where my family was having dinner and i discovered i had a very nice visitor a fucking week early. i proceeded to eat the most amazing meal of my life: a glass of chimay white, a buffalo mozzarella salad, penne and prosciutto in a light cream sauce with tomatoes and kahlua ice cream. sunday was a hurry-up and wait deal, until we went ot the boringest party EVER where i had 2 beers and too much pasta. then i stormed the outlets and spend $100 in less than an hour on 4 shirts (two of which are so big they look like painters smocks) and a pair of shoes that are slightly imperfect and if i'd realized it i'd have gotten a damn discount.

i feel generally crappy today-- bummed that i didn't walk this morning, bummed that i ate shortbread for breakfast, bummed that i spend money on stuff i'm not thrilled with... ugh. i don't know when i'll really get to recharge.

TUESDAY weigh day

okay. that's. fucking. it. i'm not posting my weight on mondays anymore. it's tuesdays for me. i *heart* my scale on tuesdays. mondays it just makes me want to cry.

this weekend? i fucked up. my sacred moon time, a friend from my drinkin'-and-smokin' days (who kinda grates my nerves), a fight with the mister, make-up take-out, an early morning movie, a restaurant i don't really like... excuses. here's what i ate this weekend:

• friday lunch was a sausage & egg sandwich at sbux
• friday dinner was veggie fried rice at home
• saturday breakfast was a wawa hash brown, eggs, easter pie, 2 play-pretend mimosas and some home fries at home
• saturday dinner was pizza and fries take-out
• sunday breakfast was pretzel nuggets with cheese product, coke zero and reece's pieces at the movies
• sunday lunch was popcorn
• sunday dinner was zucchini fritte, caesar salad and a small chicken bryan without the lemon-butter sauce with broccoli at carrabas
• sunday dessert was pound cake & a latte at my parents' house

okay, so where did i go wrong? FIRST of all, i didn't maintain anything that resembles a normal schedule. second, i ate mostly food prepared outside of my control. third, most of those things included absolutely no ingredients found in nature but loads of salt. i also flopped on water and exercise. so.

i DID go right a couple places. after eating a hash brown first thing in the morning on saturday, i went easy on the home fries. i skipped the bread at carrabas (um, but ate half my husband's fried zucchini & salt). i skipped the LOVELY spread at my 3pm meeting on saturday knowing that my husband would be hungry when i got home.

so, i'm on to ANOTHER crazy week. class is ongoing, plus i have to prep for a family reunion in the dc area next weekend (this involves baking seventy-two million of my famous soft, frosted sugar cookies), and lots and lots of other shit.

but i will not fuck up. and i'll post my weigh-in tomorrow. and it WON'T be 175.0.

oh, dear

i've been trying to post all week. i felt it coming. i knew i needed support, reassurance, camaraderie... something. yesterday, it hit. after an appointment with my shrink, i decided i *deserved* a light frap. (140c or something?) so i got one. and a petite vanilla scone. and my lunch wasn't satisfying, so i grabbed a caprese sandwich.

i felt shitty about it and decided to eat light and fresh for dinner. instead i at a LARGE portion of pasta with butter and cheese and two slices of buttered toast. then, when my husband wanted pizza at 10pm, i okayed it. and ate a slice. with fries.

i promised myself i'd do better today. i had a slice of pizza for breakfast.

i've packed fruit for my day-- a peach, a jazz apple and some grapes. i'm bloated as hell, so water, water, water.

the absolute kicker is that i was 173.2 yesterday morning. awesome, right? NOT FOR LOOOOOOONG!

i'm taking up running. i HAVE to. i have an inhaler. it's not even remotely cold anymore and, dude, i can spend 30 minutes at the track during "chance of showers" weather, right? if there's thunder, i'll just duck under the concession/restroom area. i have a six-week program (from women's health mag) and i'm going to start signing up for every race i come across from august onward.

(a good idea would be to do this WHILE taking classes, studying for the gre's, looking for volunteer opportunities/volunteering, re-doing our apartment and trying to concurrently read a 25-book series & all the plays i own. and take up knitting and painting. HELLO, OVER EXTENSION! the good news is my office closes at 3 on fridays all summer, so i'm dedicating that time to the gre's-- which i'll be taking in december.)

busy. busy like a little bee trying to make my life do what i want it to do. and tired of being fat.

bonus post with pictures: minus fifty and not feeling so hot about it

god, i'm like, blogger disabled. seriously. people post pictures ALL THE TIME, and it's been a damn HOUR of me trying to post this shit. and you know what? i look like ASS. seriously. i was all round and sexy then and now? apparently i'm sorta droopy. also? grabbing my own ass. fifty pounds down, ladies and gentlemen, and what to i have to show for it?? smaller boobs. honestly, YES, it felt good to not be an extra large anymore. YES, it felt good to by some jeans in a regular retail store (for less than fifty bucks, too!). but, umm, hi? could we talk about making a permanent move to 16s? or perhaps going down a band size instead of JUST cup sizes? really, body, i mean, REALLY? two years and fifty pounds and all you have to show for it is loose rings, loose bra cups and some damn mathteacher arms?? fuck, man. that's not right.

so. to recap:

end 2006. 236 pounds. sizes extra large, 20w, 8 (feet & fingers), a very full 38c.

end 2007. 210ish pounds. sizes large, 18w, 8 (feet & fingers), 38c.

end 2008. 186.4 pounds. sizes large, 18/16 (16w?), 8 (feet), 7.5 (fingers), 38b+.

plan for 2009? eh. 140 pounds? sizes medium, 8/10, 7.5 (feet & fingers), 38a-?

oh, yes, i'm feeling verrrrrry optimistic right now.