not a pretty girl

okay. so. i am having some... issues. i'm back to about 151, so where i started the 17dd. difference i've noticed? my stomach is flatter when i'm on a super strict diet. everything else is the same. people? i have a small waist to begin with! i'm obviously having some motivation issues, having not run all month and skipped my last 5k last night.

my diet and exercise is not in control and thus, my life feels like everything is all over the place.

lately, i'm also feeling really weird about this body. it is nice, attractive (as long as i work my clothing magic and hide what needs hiding) and gets a lot of attention. NO THANK YOU. really, i hate my body being discussed. my body is not public property.

anyway. i don't know where i'm going or if i'm going to end up back here.

fuckity fuck fuck fuck (day 17 of 17)

today

weight: 148.8 (-0.2 since yesterday, -2 overall)
breakfast: 10 raisinettes and 3 mini pretzel twists
lunch: salad with deli turkey
snack: nothing
dinner: chicken with onions and peppers
workout: cleaning


in my head, i am 140 pounds today. none of my clothes fit and i'm shopping for emergency jeans and a dress to wear to my friend's wedding on saturday.

in my head, i finally-- FINALLY-- look a little less pear-shaped and can buy a dress and pants without the usual tears and nausea under the fitting room lights.

in my head, i pick up a clearance bathing suit, too, because mine doesn't fit and i feel like i might want to wear one sometime.

i was supposed to be thinner today. but i'm not.

i do not feel okay. i do not feel like i can get through this and finish this out. i do not believe i will ever be done.

and that makes me really want to quit.

i don't really know what the plan is now. it's my last day of 17dd (ha!) and i've lost 2 pounds. i felt thin about a week ago. i felt great at 145. i don't know what to do now, though. i'm tired.

(day 16 of 17)

today

weight: 149 (-0.4 since yesterday, -1.8 overall)
breakfast: fruit smoothies
lunch: ughhhhhhhhhh, no idea
snack: nada
dinner: turkey burgers?
workout: meeting


i hate this. and it's really expensive.

(day 15 of 17)

jesus h. tapdancing christ on a cracker. 149.4. that's up like THREE AND A HALF POUNDS this weekend. of course, it's great to have my ate-and-drank-everything-wrong-all-weekend weight be under 150, but COME ON.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we're back on the 17dd wagon. but i'll be honest with you, i'm fucking tired of this.

hernia (day 12 of 17)

today

weight: 145.6 (+0.4 since yesterday, -5.2 overall)
breakfast: berry smooties
lunch: egg salad & celery
snack: posssssssssssibly... a protein pack and an iced coffee at ye olde sbux
dinner: no f'ing clue.
workout: spinning with k


so, during my hill workout last night (and may i just say: OMFG that sucked), i asked bk about this pain i've had when running basically since i started. it's just a bit above my pelvic bone on the left and BOY FUCKING HOWDY does it hurt. it is not a stitch. bk says it is. i think... it's a hernia. i'm almost certainly wrong, but i think it's a hernia caused by the flapping of my deflated stomach. it doesn't droop but when i do the bend-over-and-suck-it-in thing, it's super gross.

anway. it still hurts. that's gonna suck at spinning.

this weekend is going to be SO HARD. we have a birthday party to go to tonight, tomorrow an early visit with out-of-town cousins, then a bachelorette party tomorrow night and a baby shower sunday. i cannot gain this weight back. my plan is basically to have no food/drink tonight or sunday (i'll bring a liter of seltzer, people are totally used to it from me), to be super careful and in control tomorrow at lunch, and to enjoy a salad and 3 drinks at the b'ette. also, to bike tomorrow and run sunday.


noonish update:

the weekend just got goddamn near impossible with a dinner with the inlaws tonight! shit shit shit.

i can make it (day 11 of 17)

today

weight: 145.2 (-1.0 since yesterday, -5.6 overall)
breakfast: scrambled eggs
lunch: erm, no idea
snack: tomatoes!
dinner: possibly grilled chicken and zucchini
workout: hill workout with bk


so, okay, i'm almost back to the weight i glimpsed briefly in september, which is cool because it's almost freaking september again. but, hey, if i get myself down to like 142 in the next 6 (!! :D !!) days, it will be all new weight and i'll have like 14 dietable weeks (not counting vacation) before the holidays come and not gaining becomes priority #1.

like that logic? that logic also makes it remotely possible that i will be down to 125 come christmas. (bwahahaha!)

yeah, so, i'm super fucking tired of this, and i'm consuming more artificial sugar than i'd like (diet coke, coke zero and sugar-free caramel iced coffees are my faaaaaaaaaaaaavorites). but it's almost over and there's a re-entry plan and... yeah. okay. i can make it 6 days.

(day 10 of 17)

today

weight: 146.2 (-0.4 since yesterday, -4.4 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with pineapple & blueberries
lunch: egg salad (2 eggs + 2 whites w/ ff ranch) and celery
snack: green bell pepper
dinner: grilled chicken breast, romaine, and ff caesar
workout: nada, going to the library


AGAIN today i've already cheated. and have plans, even, PLANS! to cheat again with the other square of last night's secret snickers peanut butter bar. dude, it's not as good as regular snickers.

today, for the first time in a really, really long time, i feel like i look nice. normal. i'm quite close to "normal" too, so maybe i do look it. i'm looking forward, though, to another 10-15 pounds, a smaller size, a better waist:hip ratio (mine is an indicator or excellent heart health, but also an indicator of omg, you will never find pants that fit! i took my measurements on monday: 34-29-42. what the WHAT! don't get me wrong, i'm loving 34" and 29" but 42"? that's crazy. perhaps a nice 38" would be better. less peary.)

i also have plans for 2 buddy-workouts (a run with bk and spinning with k) and then two food/drink-centric weekend events (a bachelorette and a baby shower). i will add a workout on saturday and will absolutely not indulge on sunday.

already cheated (day 9 of 17)

today

weight: 146.8 (+/-0 since yesterday, -4 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with pineapple & peach
lunch: egg salad (2 eggs + 2 whites w/ ff ranch) and celery
snack: baby carrots
dinner: chicken with peppers, onions and taco seasoning
workout: a walk and some schoolwork


i've already cheated today. i had a mini tootsie roll and a mini pretzel. together. in one bite. soooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. this diet is really wearing on me. yesterday i wept in my spring mix and chicken. i was so hungry but i couldn't stomach another bite of chicken and lettuce. hence: egg salad.

i really can't give up now, though, down 4 with the potential for 4-5 more. i've never seen 142. or 139. i want to.

the final frontier (day 8 of 17, end of week 1)

today

weight: 146.8 (-1.2 since yesterday, -4 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with strawberries & peach
lunch: spring mix salad with chicken & ff ranch
snack: baby carrots
dinner: lowfat kosher hotdogs with okra
workout: finally a run! even if i have to go in the rain!


so, obviously, i love -4 pounds in a week. especially THESE 4 pounds. i'm less than a pound away from getting back to -90 and from there it's all new territory (mostly)!

there is little hope that i will lose 10 pounds from this adventure (supposedly, cycle 1 "promises" 10-15 pounds) but anything is possible. often a long plateau or set-point gets busted and then there's a short weight-loss free for all. so, ya know, i'm working for that.

mr man unfortunately had a small gain today, possibly a delayed reaction from that party on saturday, and didn't make -10 this week, but he's still quite close and has lost more than a pound a day.

(day 7 of 17)

today

weight: 148.0 (-0.8 since yesterday, -2.8 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with strawberries & peach
lunch: spring mix salad with... chicken & ff ranch?
snack: farmers' market tomatoes with sea salt!
dinner: possibly scrambled eggs with broccoli?
workout: stationary bike


that's better. yesterday was a pretty perfect diet day, except for the three (3!) no-sugar-added fudgecicles. look, it's 105* F here (not today, thank god) and we have sweet teeth (is that the plural?) so we bought a box of 40 calorie fudgecicles. we'd been working with 14 calories "philly swirl" popcicles, but they weren't TASTY. apparently the fudgecicles are a bit TOO tasty, but we've made a deal to get back to one a day.

yesterday was also the first day mr. man cheated by having some bbq pork and meatballs at a party. he's not up yet, but i hope he doesn't freak if (when) he has a sodium bump. i know the hosts (and dislike them, so i made my excuses) and i KNOW that they did not make that food from scratch. i fully expect he'll be down 10 pounds tomorrow anyway, so whatever, right? who among us wouldn't love to drop 10 pounds in a week?

this diet is becoming more and more cumbersome. i don't "crave" carbs, but i feel SAD that i can't have them. perhaps i'd feel better about it if i was losing fast like he is, but truthfully, i think this is pretty much my normal cracked-down pace.

i hope to see a couple of pounds this week. originally, i'd hoped to see 10 from the whole thing, but with only 10 days left, i don't anticipate dropping 7 more, especially since i have a baby shower and a bachelorette party next weekend. but who know, when dear old aunt flo leaves town, anything is possible.

one really great thing we've taken away from this experiment already is the joy of smoothies. i hope this helps parlay us into the land of green monsters. i make our smoothies with a stick blender in the 2-cup container that came with it. the larger pieces of frozen fruit (strawberries) give it some trouble, but the fresh fruit gets blended with no problem. they're the only way he likes yogurt and i hope later i can make them for him with the extra protein punch of greek yogurt (for now that's too expensive, since we're supposed to be going through 4 cups of yogurt a day) (we only manage 3 since i can't-- won't-- eat yogurt 2x a day).

today, i really miss my dunkin' egg white/turkey sausage flatbread and half a donut. c'est la vie.


*UPDATE*

bastard STILL FREAKING LOST. 0.2 pounds, but STILL. "oh, that i were a man, i'd eat his heart in the marketplace!" (ten points for the play, one for the author!)

heat wave (day 6 of 17)

148.8

soooooooooooo... yeah. we're having a heat wave (like everyone else) and i've not done much more than sit on my ass. sticking to the fad diet has been kinda hard, but i'm doing it. it's not exactly thrilling that i'm STILL 148.8.

whatev.

today is lots of schoolwork, sitting around and avoiding the heat.

modern mexican (day 5 of 17)

today

weight: 149.8 (+1.0 since yesterday, -1.0 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with strawberries & pineapple
lunch: EEK! we ran out of spring mix so i have to buy a salad!
snack: carrots
dinner: egg salad on cucumber slices
workout: probably a stationary bike ride. maybe sitting on my ass watching a movie.


SO. up a pound. coupla things. first of all, i almost always see a bump when i workout with my brother-- it's heavy lifting to absolute fatigue so you're doing fresh damage to the muscle fiber every week. second) i ate pretty lightly, though not by the book, but it was still latin food at a restaurant. so, ya know. third, i really expect my period momentarily. like, prob before lunch.

i would like to get down toward 140 in this phase. dunno if it's happening that way, but it would be nice.

small (day 4 of 17)

today (is my hard-won stay-at-home-and-study day which i'm hesitant to call a day off because i do more than i do at work AND i work full time hours in the other four days. so.)

weight: 148.8 (-1.0 since yesterday, -2.0 overall)
Breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with probably peach & pineapple
lunch: 2 eggs + a white with spinach and maybe one slice of bacon for flavor, spring mix
snack: cucumber & ff ranch
dinner: 3-course prix fixe from a pretty tony latin place downtown
workout: 1 mile walk & bk (DONE BY 8AM!)


well. that's nice. i can handle a pound every other day. of course, i, too, would enjoy being down SEVEN POUNDS overall, like mr. man is, but he started at about 105 pounds* more than i did, so FINE, WHATEVER.

i'm nervous about the prix fixe dinner tonight, but i can't get out of it because my friend is leaving for med school in florida next week, so i assume i won't see her again for like 7 years. i think i'm going with the tortilla soup & jicama salad to start, the enchiladas de verduras & mole amarillo (rabbit) for my main and the flan for dessert, because i don't really care for flan. and NO drinks. NO NO NO. basically, i'm trying to avoid cheese and fried and carbs as best i can.

i'm thinking very hard about changing my ultimate goal to 125. it's always been hard for me to imagine myself smaller than a 12/155 pounds, but here i am and i want to keep going. should i wait, though, and see what 135 looks like? i have no gauge for how/where i will lose the next 10, let along ANOTHER 10. it might go from all the right places, or it might exaggerate the small places and leave the larger places (hello upper thigh jiggle) larger making me look warped. to wait, or to reset the goal??


*my high school boyfriend weighed about 205 at 5'6" and was often quite down on both of us for being fat. at one point, he discovered that his dear (girl) friend with whom he was shamelessly in love but who was dating his obviously gay other best friend weighed 105 pounds. i remember him saying over and over, "i weigh A HUNDRED POUNDS MORE than her." and i'm like, well, yeah, seems that way, but she is awfully small. and now my husband weighs a hundred pounds more than me and he's not, like, super morbidly obese or something, i'm just apparently small.**

** speaking of small, i ordered a pair of size 8 jeggings and a size small fancy tank from old navy to "inspire" me as this is the first time i've had nothing in a smaller size to try to squeeze into. they were on super clearance and i paid like $22, with shipping. welllllllllllllllllll... they came yesterday and the top fits but the pants are way short, which i know because i put them on and zipped them up and everything. holy shit. (they are quite stretchy, of course, but EIGHTS.)

tmi (day 3 of 17)

today

weight: 149.8 (+/-0 since yesterday, -1.0 overall)
breakfast: lowfat yogurt smoothie with blueberries & pineapple
lunch: spring mix with hard boiled eggs & fat free ranch
snack: a hugh cucumber from my neighbor's covetable garden
dinner: chicken sausage & broccoli
workout: stationary bike


hm. obviously this is a slight disappointment (especially given that mr man dropped 2 again!) but i can identify some reasons:

1. at a jewelry direct-sale party last night i stuck to veggies and (full fat) dip... until the end when i scarfed down some pretzels
2. TOM. tomorrowish.
   
3. this diet? not so conducive to pooping. as in, i haven't. in days.
   

solutions? keep it up! tomorrow i have a farewell dinner with a friend who's leaving for med school, but also an am workout with BK and the day off from work (to work on BNGS stuff), so i'll get my full 2 yogurts in and try the whole warm-water-with-lemon thing, too.

anyway. i'm pleased for my husband. he was feeling really down about his gain and now he's dropped off everything he gained while visiting his mother, so that's a great start. soooo... yeah. things are going okay. i guess i won't be losing 17 pounds in 17 days, lol.

go for the fruit (day 2 of 17)

today

weight: 149.8 (-1.0)
breakfast: yogurt w/ sf peach preserves, 2 eggs+1 white & a peach
lunch: spring mix with canned chicken & fat free ranch
snack: baby carrots, sliced turkey
dinner: chicken, peppers & onions
workout: rest


so... last night i didn't do hill repeats but i did run a mile like the cops were chasing me. i'm sore today! sure, it's been a while since i've run, but not so long that i should be sore from ONE MILE. i don't know if i should credit my finally-set-up ipod (full of punk, dancehall and... i dunno, soulish current lady singers?) or the knowledge that i ONLY had to do one mile. i also ate a lowfat kosher hotdog (no bun, obvs) because mr. man suggested it after my workout. he, btw, is down 2 pounds. i think i would be down a bit more without the dog, which was lowfat but regular sodium, but i'm good. if it keeps up this pace all 17 days, i will pass my original goal of 135 :D and be on my way to the 125 of my dreams.

tonight i have schoolwork to do and a jewelry party to attend, so there won't really be time for a workout.

lessons learned about the trendy two and a half week diet? 1 tbs of sf preserves is not enough to flavor lowfat plain yogurt. go for the fruit.

a farewell to carbs (day 1 of 17)

look. i'm no fan of drastic fad diets. i've been plugging along at this all eat-less-move-more for like 4.5 years. i'm at the last 15 pounds. i'm stalled and unmotivated. and my husband has gained some weight back and he needs to turn it around fast.

so, after much discussion, we're starting a version of the 2.5 week, low carb diet that's making the rounds. (a bootlegged version, thus i'm not telling you the name. you're bright, you'll figure it out.)

the carbs in our plan are yogurt and fruit, two servings each.

today

weight: 150.8 (+/-o)
breakfast: yogurt smoothie with frozen blueberries & a peach
lunch: spring mix with hard boiled eggs & fat free ranch
snack: a cucumber, 2 small tomatoes with olive oil, salt & basil
dinner: turkey burgers & zucchini
workout: hill repeats (?)

i'm excited to break my plateau, become a faster runner and get soooooo cloooooose to my goal, f'ing finally. really, really excited.

dude, and the yogurt smoothie? was filling and not half bad. color me shocked.


**noonish update**

the smoothie lasted me til noon! the eggs and ff ranch salad was delish. the cucumber will wait a while. i feel fine, if a little antsy for my after-lunch tootsie roll. going with gum instead. psyched for TWO turkey burgers! (i'm keeping my food in ww and sticking to my p+ allowance.)

shit scared

5k tonight.

it has been 10 days since my last run, a 3miler.

bk, my brother-trainer, is going to set me up with a new training schedule for my next 5k in a month. one with hill workouts and speed runs.

i'm going to sign up for a 10k in the fall. october 30th.

truthiness

soooo... yeah. this weekend my husband was out of town visiting his mom's family. this sort of causes about fifty million unpleasant emotions for me, including loneliness and resentment. as it happens, my parents were on vacation and my two brothers who live locally were visiting my other brother. my most-local friend was road-tripping and my tied-for-third most local friend is on her honeymoon. this is how my weekend played out, for the sake of accountability:

• thursday: i bought two bags of reduced guilt pita chips and ate 1/2 of one before
• my husband picked me up from work to head directly to the airport
• but first we grabbed some pizza at 3pm
• after dropping him off, i went to my 3rd most local friend's new apartment
• where i smoked cigarettes and drank crystal light until about
• 8:30 when i left, eating the rest of that bag of chips in the car on the way to
• the grocery store for some diet soda, seltzer, skim milk and slow-churn instant milkshakes
• one of which i had right after i skyped with my husband at his mother's house
• then i watched a couple episodes of star trek: the next generation streaming on netflix until i fell asleep.
• friday: i got up late and waited to hear from him until i had to
  
• go to the tailor to pick up my other two dresses all taken in and stuff
• i picked up an iced coffee on the way
• and on the way home i got an egg white & turkey sausage flatbread sandwich from dunkin donuts (with no cheese this is 4 points+, i think or 5)
• and 25 chocolate munchkins! i told myself they'd last 4 days.
  
• then i chatted with him, hung around doing mostly nothing and ate all them munchkins
• canceled my gym date because of the downpour
• and made myself a zucchini risotto, 1/2 of which i ate
• then i stuck with diet soda and smokes until 10ish when
• i had another milkshake before skyping goodnight and going to bed.
  
• saturday: had a lot of potential because it started, as all mine do lately, with a trip to the personal trainer
  
• then the farmers market where i got talked into having a huge falafel pita at 10:30 am. it was excellent.
• i didn't buy any bread though, and the only sweet was a pot du creme.
• but then... i went to a local brewery for a tour and 3 beers with my second most local friend
• and she came home with me
• and we ate pizza AND fries with another beer
• then a milkshake with some buffy the vampire slayer
• before going to bed.
• sunday: we stopped at dunkin for coffees and a flatbread (for me, and my parents' dog)
  
• before i dropped k at the trolley
• then my grandmother called and it was decided that i would take her to a viewing that night so
• i did my schoolwork and my weekly self mani-pedi
  
• and ate the rest of my risotto and headed out
• to visit the doggie again on the way to my grandmas.
• we were in and out of the viewing in 30 seconds flat.
• then she wanted to go to the diner for a hamburger
• but it was closed for renovations!
• so we headed toward a little italian byo
• and it was closed for vacation!
• then a second italian byo was packed
• so we went to her usual italian place.
  
• where we ate so. freaking. much.
  
• the bread is focaccia,
• and we had a sausage & polenta appetizer
• penne with vodka sauce
• and a slice of tiramisu.
• after that, we watched a movie until i had to leave to pick up my husband at the airport.
• and he and i shared a beer before bed.

not too surprisingly, i was up 4.4 pounds. OUCH. that was yesterday. today, i've dropped off 2.2 of those, so i'm encouraged. i didn't exactly nail the plan yesterday, and still don't have breakfast & lunch for the week, but it was obviously better. i need back on the exercise bandwagon, though, don't i?

skipped

1. skipped my two timed runs this week. have a 3.5 miler tonight and haven't exercised since last week's 3 miler.
2. skipped cooking this week: 1 breakfast out, 2 lunches out, 2 dinners out.
3. skipped tracking yesterday.
   

there is still some personal stuff going on that's... well, difficult, to say the least. i have a bunch of plans for the next three days that flip-flop between totally hardcore health-nut and totally bad for me. i'll be lonely half the time and overstimulated half the time. i don't exactly know which end is up, honestly.

july: still in the 150s, but barely

150.0! sooooo close. weekend was crazy, with some personal STUFF going down, some festivities, and some seriousness. right now, i'm not at my awesomest. but... i'm dealing. ish.

anyway. july, huh?

• pack lunches
• breakfast at home
• plan dinners
• workout 5x a week
• run my 5k
• survive
• lose 5 pounds?
  

tan fat

so... we all know that tan fat looks better than, oh, say, BLINDINGLY WHITE GHOST-COLORED FAT, right? especially in the summer? especially in a dress? especially when photographed? especially when arms, chest and face have a runner's tan? and that tanning is baaaaaaaaaaad for you!

cue: summer weddings, baby!

ya'll, i am NOT wearing pantyhose in july! or possibly EVER AGAIN. so.

cue: jergen's natural glow express.

so, i bought it yesterday, naired my gams (like i do because my leg hair is mostly too fine to shave) and slathered it on. ummm, perhaps slathered TOO much. because it took like half an hour to dry. so that was at like 1pm. by last night when i was showing my husband my "new" dresses, i had... some color. i wouldn't say a tan, exactly, but some color, for sure. today, i slathered on a touch less at 6:30am. it dried in about 15 minutes. i'm wearing jeans now, but i'm confident that more color is developing. after tomorrow's application, i'll probably even have... A TAN. then i think i'll buy the "firming" natural glow for upkeep/imaginary firming.

that's the good news.

the bummer news? my last spinning buddy went and got herself all knocked up. and then this morning? after i got up at 5:15 to go to spinning? all alone? i walked in on core bootcamp. apparently my spin class has been canceled or moved. huge bummer. at elast i got in my 3-miler yesterday!

weekend:

1. birthday dinner for the man of my dreams.
2. weddingsqueeeeeeeeeeee! (hello, lemon drop martinis, my long lost love...)
3. post-wedding brunch.
4. cook-out.
5. maybe another cookout.
   

stfu. that's a lot of food & drink. and i will track whatever passes through my lips. i will also workout. and maybe even swim!

holy crap.

just picked up two loft dresses (sizes 8 and 10) i'd bought thinking my body would change shape entirely when i lost a few more pounds and they'd look great.

well, they fit, but didn't look great (tooooo huuuuuge in the bodice, if you must know), so i bit the bullet and took them to a seamstress.

dude? dresses that fit properly? look ah-mazing. mind = blown.

now i have to pick which to wear to a friend's loverly wedding this weekend. and, oh! which SHOES. because one dress is a gray/black/purple/fuchsia/mustard/lemon print on dove gray, and i literally have 5 pairs of shoes that match it PERFECTLY.

must

so... last week was a little screwy, food-wise. honestly, i often didn't track my evening snacking (which was extensive) and TWICE i grabbed a snack-cake at the grocery store check-out and didn't even look it up, let alone track it. i also ate it alone in my car, which is a whole 'nother ball of wax. and the only workouts i did were my runs and one half hour on the bike.

plus last night we went to our favorite local byo for the multi-course chef's tasting ("multi" in this instance meaning 8: amuse-bouche, bread, appetizer, cheese plate, mini-entree #1, mini-entree #2, dessert and cookies.) which is not huge, but is amazing and has that roll-me-home quality if you don't arrive physically hungry. anyway, i'm a little puffed from it, too, so i'm up to 152.something.

this weekend we have a birthday party, a wedding, a post-wedding brunch and two cookouts.

this is what must happen this week:

1. i must eat 29 p+ each day-- no weeklies or activities until the weekend
2. i must work out every day but wednesday

and... that's it. despite the STUFF this weekend, i'm hoping for a one-forty-something weigh-in for july.

next weekend my husband will be out of town, which i hate.

goal check-in

• pack workday lunches>> every day this week... and i'm almost through the mexican leftovers from father's day!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> except today :/ it was an early EARLY day and i just got a bagel with scrambled egg (ate 1/2 the bagel!)
  
• plan weekly dinners>> we've done... taco salad, tacos, "tampa salad"*, enchiladas and we're looking at tampa-taco salad.
  
• run 5k#2 >> still failed.
  
• run 2-3 times a week >> YES!
  
• start swimming lessons >> ughhhhh. not yet.
  
• get a massage >> also, not yet.
  
• record my p+ >> i could be doing better.
  

one more week of june goals!

* a salad my mother-in-law made the last time i was at her home in tampa: lettuce, tomato, red onion, avocado, queso fresco, olive oil and lime juice. over lettuce. YUM.

unprecedented

the last couple of nights have not been awesome. for one thing, we're still working on the leftovers from the father's day taco bar i made and mexican food is my kryptonite-- but there are chips and cheese and cinnamon brownies involved, too. then there's this wretched pms situation. in high school, i thought those "oooooh, my crammmmmps" girls were full of shit. i literally got my period out of the blue with no forewarning, once in the middle of an exam. but now, lately, i am a slave to my cycle. my uterus is running the show here, complete with floaty life-is-perfect-let's-have-a-baby ovulation days and ragey fights & self-hatred for 4-5 days before my period. and wtf is up with a 29 day cycle?? that's new. and not in a cool way.

(thanks to krissie for confirming that pms is realer than it was when i was thinner! i thought i was crazzzzzy!)

anyway. school started back up, so i'm home today, ahem, doing my schoolwork. it's been balls hot here. i mean BALLS HOT. and i am not a warm-weather girl. give me early sunsets and falling leaves and chilly breezes ANY DAY. i knew it would be hot today, so when i got up around 8, i checked the hourly forecast and, yep, 80* by noon. that's TOO HOT for me. so i suited up... and did my scheduled run.

dude, it sucked and i hated it. plus, i was out of the house for 44 minutes traveling 2.78 miles (2.5 at a jog) which was pretty slow. but now it's DOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE! this is the first time since SEPTEMBER i've actually gotten a workout in first thing in the morning on my "schoolday" as was originally planned. and it's AWESOME! i love it. i anticipate that i will actually have lost weight in my first year of grad school, despite the charming "grad school 10" i gained. by the end of september, i will be close to or AT my goal of 135. truthfully, though, i'm hoping to drop another 10 before my 5-year fativersary on january 9th, 2012. that's the day i plan to put away my dieter hat forever.

and on that note...

choices

last night, i only wanted to do two things: snack and sleep.

seriously, after dinner (a dinner that went above and beyond the plan-- not in a good way), the thought of my scheduled 20 minute run made me whine and weep.

"you will feel better if you do it," he said. that asshole. that asshole i'm married to. the one who forgave my rage-y awfulness on sunday morning, because he knew what was up lonnnnnnnng before i did. something about the odd weight gain, the feeling gross, the violent mood swings... oh, and he has a calendar.

i knew i had to make a choice. i could keep eating or i could go to bed-- there was no willpower option. i also had to choose to go to bed or do my short training run and stay on schedule.

so i weighed my options. running is my key. running is going to get me there and keep me there. i'm not a natural runner, i don't love it and i don't get high. it's WORK. and i'm slow. i have a race in less than 4 weeks, the triplet of the one i bailed on. i have to finish.

i chose fitness over weight loss and ran.

and when i got home, wide awake now, i snacked more and i split 3 beers with him. if i had a weigh-in today, it would not have been pretty. but i don't. snacking afterward made it possible for me to get my workout in. shit happens.

today is a better day. i feel less mood-swingy and tired (guess why??) and i'll be fine tonight. we're baking bread for the solstice and i have a stationary bike ride scheduled.

anyone else feel like pms is worse the thinner you get??

meme

A is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?
macintosh, i guess. or sauce.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
i love me some dense, seedy bread. orrrrrrrrrrr... an airy, crust italian loaf.

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
i could eat a value-sized box of honey nut cheerios in one sitting with 1% milk. no kidding.

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
chocolate cake. glazed.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
scrambled with onion.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
ricotta cheese. it has a GREAT texture and loads of protein.

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
trader joe's, the farmers' market and giant.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
lattes. unsweetened.

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
coffee with crushed oreos.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
i LOVE raspberry jam.

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
meh... i dunno. they make an okay cracker, i think?

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
black beans and homemade spanish rice.

M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
mine's been unplugged since october. i sorta miss turkey bacon & facon.

N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
oh, i'm a carb girl, fo' sho'.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
olive or canola (aka "rapeseed")

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
beans, eggwhites, meat as necessary.

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
drowning in salted butter and brown sugar, alas.

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
chicken thighs.

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
egg salad and sprouts.

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
we try to eat one main meal and keep healthy snacks onhand-- easier on the waist and the wallet.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
i don't really go in for weird.

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
don't.

W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
nay thank you.

X: is for XRAY. if we xrayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
probably none, i don't think that would work, would it?? today i've eaten 2 chocolates, refried beans, a small tortilla, spanich rice, queso fresco and a fiber one bar.

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
mac and cheese, which i ate every time my family ate seafood for dinner.

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
sauteed in olive oil, but i love it as fries.

curiouser and curiouser

so... i've been less scale-dependent lately. it's a thing. it's about... not letting myself make excuses. i was weighing once a week. then twice. this week, i weighed myself three times.

on saturday morning, i weighed 148.0! i was pleased, to say the least. i went to the gym for my lifting/training session, then ate properly all day, and finished up with a short run in the evening.

on sunday morning, i weighed 149.6. i was still pleased, but confused. however, every muscle in my body felt like it was knotted up. water weight. i went on to eat... fine. didn't count like i should have, but not crazy.

this morning? 150.2. huh. i ate breakfast at home and packed a lunch. i'm all planned and counted for the day including a short run per my schedule tonight. i still hurt everywhere.

so. what i'm thinking is... as i understand it, stressing the muscles causes microscopic tears in the muscle fiber, which retains water to re-knit the muscle stronger. that's why when you first start exercising, you gain a bit of weight. but with my brother-trainer, we lift to absolute fatigue every week. the whole point is that the body never gets used to what we're doing. so every week the muscles tear, retain water, cause small gains. and the next day or the day after that is weigh-in day.

my first instinct was to move weigh-in to saturday.

but what's the point? a small push now? i'm doing fine. probably great. i'm really losing weight at a healthy pace even after 4.5 years of this shit. this is good.

NEXT week, my real weigh-in will be in the 140s. for sure.

so, we host fathers' day and we had a taco bar yesterday. it was great! but i made too. much. food. for the next couple days it's tex-mex 3 meals a day. today i had a little refried bean burrito for breakfast (fat free, of course), pack rice and beans for lunch and will have a big-ass salad for dinner.

...

oh, one last thing. we got great portraits taken of us. i wore a dress that... apparently does not flatter. my legs look like tree trunks! i need a full-length mirror.

in the rain

i finally found myself a 5-weeks-to-a-better-5k schedule (here), just over 4 weeks before my next race-- 4w, 1d. so i started at the end of week 1. last night i ran two miles, in a row, outside in my neighborhood, wearing a tank top (and pants, and stuff, but not a tee shirt, too), in the rain.

okay, it only rained lightly for about 10 minutes. but! i kept going, so i get some points for that, right??

i also took a leeeeeeeeeetle peek at the scale because i had been feeling SO THIN. the news was sweet, 148.something (i forget). it will be a rough weekend, though. we host fathers' day every year and this year we're having a taco bar with sangria and spicy brownies. but also. tomorrow we're hanging out with friends who cook and tonight we're going out for japanese & beer to celebrate my grades: an a in accounting and an a- in law. i have a training schedule to stick to, though, and planned workouts to do. and how bad can a taco bar of my own devising be? (bad.)

i want very, very much to keep that 4, so i just will. i can do it, right?

*

*quebecoise toast, formerly known as fake-ass french toast

ingredients:

• 10 slices complete protein bread (ezekial, for example, i use trader joe's)
• 1 pint egg whites
• 1 1/2 tablespoons sugar or splenda (i use sugar)
• 1 1/2 tablespoons vanilla
• 1 1/2 TEAspoons cinnamon
• canola oil or "butter flavor" cooking spray

prep:

• combine egg whites, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon

cook:

• soak bread slices in egg mixture
  
• spray griddle or large, flat frying pan
• cook at medium heat, flipping only once or twice, until golden

these keep in my fridge from sunday night to friday and are tasty, protein-and-fiber-full and portable. we warm ours up in a toaster, but you could nuke them and eat them with syrup or something, too.

my apologies to any readers (::snort::) in quebec. i don't think you're fake-ass french, we just needed a nicer name for the dish. who really wants a breakfast with the word "ass" in it?

hookers and blow

• pack workday lunches>> have two days made, a week planned and one day packed!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> made quebecoise toast* for the week
  
• plan weekly dinners>> planned up to wednesday
  
• run 5k#2>> that was a sad, sad failure. i'll look for another on around the end of the month.
  
• run 2-3 times a week>> fail, but i'm going to schedule 3 for this week... i'm on summer break!
  
• start swimming lessons>> in progress... i don't know if the gym is open during break
  
• get a massage>> see above
  
• record my p+>> MASSIVE FAIL, but i'll do better this week

i went to a bachelorette party on saturday. it was dinner, piano bar, hotel, brunch. not awful. pretty fun, really. mostly wine and show tunes, not exactly the hookers-and-blow event i'd imagined it. i missed dinner, drank a (planned) bottle of wine and made good coffee and breakfast choices (as nice as the banana/strawberry/nutella crepe looked... i needed protein BAD). the rest of yesterday was kind of a wash, though. we went to see the x-men movie (LOVE) and got pizza. i'm up a bit to 151.6.

oh. on friday? i bought a spin bike on craigslist. didn't get serially killed, but the sucker squeaks a little, so i can't use it when the husband is asleep.

it was different

yesterday's 5k was... different. it FELT different. everywhere you looked there were super-muscled RUNNERS wearing vibrams and little else. there were model-thin women with two kids in a jogging stroller (one an infant!). there were guys who looked like extras from baywatch. no friends, no community. the sponsors were brooks and some waterbottle people, not local businesses. this shit was for real.

we started out at the very back of the line. well, there were six people behind us but they all passed us immediately. it was hot. 90* and muggy. soon, i was last and k was shouting encouragement over her shoulder. i couldn't catch my breath. i tried to think of krissie, finishing a 10 mile trail run dead last and being proud of herself, but i just couldn't breathe and less than half a mile in, sweat was pouring off of me. i slowed to a walk, and, as i approached the street we'd parked on, just shy of the mile marker, i unpinned my bib and quit.

my eating has been all over the place and my drinking has been... yeah. i smoked for most of the past month, up to saturday. our next race is in 5 weeks. i'm going to finish.

wtf?

whoa. i dunno what my deal is but, WHOA. i have been out of control the past couple days. not crazy-cakes out of control, but certainly not in control. today, i didn't even pack lunch for the first time since APRIL.

it's okay, though. i just have to make a good choice, drink my water, run my race and be back on track with the packing tomorrow.

xanax and inhibitions

yesterday i had my second colposcopy, the first one was last year after my pap came back abnormal and positive for hpv. after a leep, there are two courses of treatment/monitoring. normally, they bring you in for semi-annual paps until you get it right 3 times. if you're a crazy person who has to be high as a kite to even CONSIDER getting a pap, they might let you stay annual and get an hpv test. guess which one i am??

so, this year i had no dysplasia, but still tested postitive for hpv, which makes my case chronic or persistent. theoretically, the leep is supposed to alert your body that there's an infection and your body should come fight it off. (it also removes those pesky gonna-be-cancer cells.) mine... did not. i mean, there's no obvious precancerousness, but there's still the virus. (and i've been vaccinated, so it's not possible that i was reinfected by my husband who almost certain has it because, well, we've been together 6 years this weekend.)

now i get to go in semiannually for a pap with an hpv test. lucky me, right? and get an annual colpo as long as i'm coming pack positive for hpv. de-fucking-lightful.

anyway... for the test, and any pelvic exam, i prefer to be high as a goddamn kite. i had a couple rough doctors, a couple weird experience and, oh, yeah, i HATE HATE HATE HATE being touched by anyone other than a select few, and touched THERE by anyone but a select one. it's kind of a thing. so my lovely obgyn prescribes me four .5mg per appointment and i take them at 45 minute intervals until i fell like, yeah, i could probably handle a speculum. and having some cells removed from my cervix with what i can only describe as a pointy bottle brush. (it takes all four. ALWAYS.) but 1mg in i decided to go get a cupcake.

i did fine, of course. it helped that there was no needle biopsy needed this time. my husband drove me, which was very good. he took me to sbux for my usual post-medical/dental 1 p+ light iced coffee. i asked to split an apple fritter. we did (6p+ EACH). then i went home to sleep. (3:30ish) at 6 he woke me up for pizza and i at THREE pieces (17p+ omfg). (welllllll, it was a small, but 2 is mu usual.) and then i went back to sleep. when i woke up at 11, i wanted a "tiny ice cream" as we call the variety of snack-sized trader joe's frozen treats we keep. i had three (5 p+).

clearly, i cannot be trusted with food after 2mg of xanax. CLEARLY.

back on track, though. no exercise today because i have a 5k tomorrow night. it will be 89*. help me.

151

WOOHOO! lowest weight-in of. the. year.

saturday was a p+ recording disaster and sunday came and went without a run. but! now! it's monday! and i have had breakfast and packed lunch and planned dinner! i have a tentative plan to go to the track if my final gets recorded early.

july will have a 4 in the tens place...

goals & plans

• pack workday lunches>> all week!
  
• eat workday breakfasts at home>> all week!
  
• plan weekly dinners>> whoops, we skipped cooking out for a storm that never came; ate steamed chicken & broccoli, white rice and a veg egg roll instead.
  
• run 5k#2 >> next week
  
• run 2-3 times a week>> eh... will probably squeeze in 2 this week: monday & sunday
  
• start swimming lessons>> promise to ask at the gym sunday! swearsies!
  
• get a massage>> see above
  
• record my p+>> all week! a bridal shower looms tomorrow, though...
  

plan for the weekend:

• tonight we have happy hour for a departing colleague of my husband's. i'll opt for a diet soda.
• planned dinner is fish for him, eggs for me.
• then we have a community art show! there will be wine and i will drink some.
• tomorrow is the FARMERS MARKET! my brother/trainer is at the shore, so i'll get my new drivers license then hit the market at open (9) and hang out soaking up the awesome until noon when...
• ... i'll head to a bridal shower. the hostess is a weight watcher, so i have high hopes. but i'll gorge myself on farm fresh strawberries so sweet and ripe the only part you don't eat is the leaves just. in. case.
  
• after the shower i hope to have a quiet evening at home, but may have to do a birthday dinner for smil.
• sunday i'll hit the gym at 10 for a jog & my swim/massage inquiries.
  
• then i'll knock out part 2 of my accounting final.
  

and then the weekend is over...

down periscope

i need a colposcopy. again. my cervix is not trustworthy. i was trying to describe the procedure to a friend but the "microscope" part was throwing her off. it's more like a periscope. you assume The Position and the doctor spends 5-10 minutes looking over your cervix with a periscope.

i am exhausted. i don't want drama and problems. i want a routine appointment to be ROUTINE. i hate working this job, going to school and taking care of the house. i hate knowing that i'll have to do all that next year while my husband goes to school full time. i hate how he questions if it's wise to try to do "all that" in a year. (all that = 3 terms overloading at 4 classes.) while i do half of that AND work and volunteer and keep house. i hate the sinking feeling that i'll need to stay in a job i hate, working to support us instead of staying home with kids for a couple years. instead of having kids, maybe. i hate knowing that every unlikely part of this adventure has happened: abnormal pap is unlikely to need a biopsy; biopsy is unlikely to need a leep; leep cures 90% of patients... and then comes the small percentage who pass the virus on during birth. well, shit. i guess my uterus is closed for business unless i get three clear tests in the next year and a half.

.................

it's june. goals:

• pack workday lunches
• eat workday breakfasts at home
• plan weekly dinners
• run 5k#2
• run 2-3 times a week
• start swimming lessons
• get a massage
• record my p+
  

yesterday

yesterday's weigh in: 152.2 (an obvious consequence of how lazy i was with my monthly goals)

yesterday's 5k time: 45ish minutes (unofficial, obvs)

yesterday's agenda: the girl who played with fire and the girl who kicked the hornet's nest in the original swedish (the movies, obvs)

yesterday's food: a humungo diner breakfast, leftover weight watchers pasta primavera, fat free brownie, vanilla ice cream bon bon, peanuts

yesterday's drink: mimosas! (2) and water water water.

now i'm back to regularly scheduled life. breakfasts and lunches are made, dinners are planned, need to plan workouts today.


..........


i approximated running the whole time. k (my friend) ran ahead when i started to flag in the second mile. she kept the 13 minute mile pace the whole time. bk (my brother: big k) stuck with me, even though it was probably harder for him to go increasingly slower each mile than it would have been to finish in 20 minutes. my cousin ck (coach k) who coached bk in high school track was there unexpectedly. he finished in a slow 21:something but stuck around for 25 minutes to hand me a water bottle--opened! how thoughtful-- at the finish line.

dudes, it was hot as shit out. i sweated buckets. and the sun, oh god, the sun. and the HILLS. i wish i lived in jersey. where it's flat.

but i ran it.

now i need some synthetic running gear or i will surely die this summer.

holiday weekend

in 6 hours, my holiday weekend begins.

my 5k weekend.

my farmers' market weekend.

in arts administration (the field i'm getting my ms in) there is a concept called BHAG: Big Hairy Audacious Goal. what is the *thing* your organization would like to achieve in a PERFECT WORLD. like, "bring a love and appreciation of classical music to every fifth grader in the country." some crazy, impossible shit.

my running BHAG was to be able to run 5 miles, in a row, in about an hour. then i would do that 3-5 times a week. and i would be fit and healthy.

i'm going to have to make it 6 because on wednesday, i ran 4 miles in 53 minutes.

i will likely be running the 5k alone on monday. my running buddy wants to maintain a 10-12 minute mile and i don't think i can do much better than 13, especially with hills and heat. my brother would probably die if he ran that slow. but even if i'm running it alone, i'm RUNNING it. i can totes do it.

despite not making breakfast ahead this week and only half-assing lunches (i made the red beans, but got bored and didn't do the rice!) i still have not bought food during the day. it's been tempting to hop on the scale and just see since noticing how well my clothes fit-- or how large-- and how well i've done on ww and with my workouts. but i'm managing to wait.

.................

question: did anyone else feel really inadequate after seeing the biggest loser finale? i didn't watch the season (SO. SLOW. AND. OVERWROUGHT. OMG. WEIGH IN ALREADY!) but the sisters who were the final 2? they did not look like they'd ever been fat. no bulky calf and thigh muscles, no flappy arms and boob, no deep nasal-labial folds. they looked like freaking models. /end whine

................

so, for the weekend:

• stick to ww every day-- track and mind limits
• go to only ONE family/holiday event and track it
• workout friday (?), lift saturday, walk sunday, race monday!
• weigh in an post monday
  

plugging

so far this week, i've done... not bad. school is winding down for the term (yay for a 10-day break!) which means lots of work. i didn't cook lunches until yesterday, and i half-assed it, AND i still haven't cooked breakfasts. BUTBUTBUT. i'm still packing/eating from home. no bought breakfast or lunch. dinners have been haphazard and workouts will be: an abbreviated walk on monday, a jog today, a jog tomorrow, a walk friday and lifting saturday. not bad.

i'm not sure what i'm doing with my monthly weigh-ins... do i post on the first? the first monday? gah. i've confused myself. i'd love to post a 2011 low on my sidebar in june, so maybe i'll just play it by ear. OH! but i can only weigh myself on sundays and mondays, so the 6th it is!

so, for now, just plugging along.

cannot believe

... my weight continued to drop yesterday. 152.6 for the official weigh-in this week. down 1.2, i think?

what for

this weekend was a crazy whirlwind. after selling everything we own, giving away our pets and quitting out jobs, we were shocked --SHOCKED-- to actually have to attend my grandma's birthday party today when we weren't raptured.

i'm kidding, obvs, i've been obsessively planning every detail of this outfit for weeks. and even if a) we believed that the rapture was real/coming, b) we would not have been on the list. atheist! my grandmother (beloved, and best friend) hissed to her college roommate, a nun, and her priest friend. GUILTY!

so. this is apparently me giving my brother (cropped to protect the innocent) what for. but... i dunno what for. it's about the only decent, non "get closer!" picture we got of me today. so it's what ya get.

it's also one of the few pics in which i was not aware my photo was being taken, so i let my bat wings flap in the wind.

and, yes, i got a spray tan and look like an oompla loompa. i'm not proud of it... and i wish i'd just gotten my legs done.

so. i guess this is a photo update. i don't have a "before" handy, so you'll have to go looking for it if you want to see.

there were a lot of questions. lots and lots of these people haven't seen me since my wedding (or before) and most of the people i spoke with had asked someone who i was. one cousin apparently asked my SISTER who the "stunning woman in the red dress" was. which, gosh, embarrassing, overwrought, and HELL YEAH, MTHERFCKR! there were a few whispered how much, how long, HOWs?? but many people stuck to you look wonderfuls and i didn't recognize yous. i wish i'd worn my hair in a less matronly updo, but my plans for a loose braid were repeated thwarted by... my hair... and i'd had to change plans last-minute.

this morning, after many beers, bar food and a cookout yesterday, i weighed 153.2. this is about 82 pounds down. i'm also in the best shape of my life. the dress is a medium from ann taylor loft. i would say, given the spanx, i should have worn a small. i had to tie the belt pretty tight and tuck some errant folds of jersey into it. i'm 5'3" but closer to 5'8" in these heels. (still apparently shorted than my baby brother.)

i really, really loved wearing a retina-searing dress and insane heels and feeling pretty good. i'm looking forward to how i'll feel when i knock out the rest of the weight and get my arms tucked.

i did poorly with my goals this week. i worked out 4 times, but haven't tracked since friday and probably went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over my daily & earned points this weekend. new week tomorrow!

fancy dress

this weekend marks the beginning of the major party season for me. we have my grandmother's 80th birthday brunch, a bachelorette weekend in june, a bachelorette party in june, a bridal shower in june, a wedding in july, a baby shower in july, a wedding in august, a bridal shower in august, an anniversary party in august, a MOTHERFUCKINGOVERSEASVACSATION in september, an important anniversary in september (five years. this many ::holds up hand, fingers spread::) and a bachelor/ette do in november and then a rehearsal & wedding in november. that's something like 14 parties requiring me to look nice. and i had a (LOVELY!) shower last weekend, but since it's MAY i was able to cover my upper arms.

which, btw, look... like that. and that's actually a pretty flattering shot.

so, this is what i know about my arm skin:

1. my arms were not fat my whole life! not until i hit 200 at the earliest.
2. they are still that fat in the 150s though...
3. it's not floppy skin; there's only maybe 1/2 and inch of slack there. it's FAT.
   
4. i have no idea what my arms are going to look like for real until i lose the fat...
5. ...which is not going easily.
6. but there are stretch marks at the front of my armpits that cause this really nasty ripple thing to happy, like on my stomach when i flip my head t scrunch my hair. only, always.
   
7. an arm lift costs about $3k.
   
8. but you can't do things like pick up babies for 8-12 weeks.
   
9. so this is the sort of thing i need to get done by next june or july.
   
10. which means... i should lose the fat so i can know if i'll need it by then.

so, what are your arm lifting thoughts? as i mentioned, my over-the-naval tummy could use some work, my boobs could stand a lift (and a cup or two) and the whole "belt lift" thing sounds great, but it's my arms that are keeping me from being comfortable, like, EVER.

anyway.

i got new running shoes! they're brooks ravenna and i wore them to run THREEEEEEEEEEEEE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES yesterday. so the rest of our training plan is for me & my husband to walk the 5k route tonight with a gps (some of the streets aren't marked...), then tomorrow and saturday we work out on our own (i have spinning and weight training) and sunday k comes up here early to jog/walk the route with me before my grandma's party. next week, we'll do a run together on wednesday, then i'll do something on thursday, then walk the course on friday, rest saturday and sunday and... run my first 5k on monday!!

(ps, did i mention we booked an overseas vacation for september??)

amlost there

we did 2.75 miles on monday. that's almost three!

it's working!

first, a halfway-point goal check-in:

• i will prepare my own breakfasts AND lunches all 17 workdays this month (i work full-time hours in 4 days a week) mission accomplished so far!
  
• i will workout at least 4x a week this month only managed 3 last week (but 5 the week before!) because of a strained hip flexor.
  
• i will sign up for and complete my first 5k race this month signed up, almost done training!
  
• i will sign up for my second 5k race (july 14) this month, and set a time goal and speed-work schedule have not done this, but i plan to sign up for a whole series.
  
• i will schedule my annual massage for early next month my fave therapist went back to college and was replaced with an older man who doesn't do the nice, relaxing stuff, so i'm looking for a new one.
  
• i will track my points+ and activity all month, every day, even special events doin' it! even managed to track a bridal shower yesterday!
  

so. this week i prepared my own breakfasts & lunches on workdays. i also stuck to my daily and same-day earned activity points+, and didn't dip into my weekly flex p+ at all! i also didn't weigh myself daily (though, i did hop on yesterday morning for an advance peek) so i didn't cheat based on how i was doing.

verdict: IT WORKED! i lost 1.8 pounds this week for an official weight of 153.8! but... when i peeked on sunday (before cake at the shower and pizza at home) i was at 152.2!! this week i'm planning to keep packing meals, workout m-th-f-s-s. and not weighing myself again until... let's face it, sunday, before my grandma's birthday party. (though i will be on a scale tomorrow around 1.30 at my yearly cervical scrape. which, yeah, after last year's experience, i'm a bit stressed about.)

AND. i will post two photo updates this week: one of my arm flap and one of my all dolled up (and faced?) for the party on sunday.

i don't watch dancing with the stars...

because it make me all GOTTA DANCE! but i put it on for background noise while i did homework tonight and... wow. i just want to say, honestly, i had a revelation.

at one point (in reference to kristie alley not eating and claiming to have forgotten) maks says, "yeah, she FORGETS. for seven weeks she FORGETS. she's not eating enough." because obviously she's on a diet because obviously there's a metric shitton of pressure to get super thin on dancing with the stars.

oh, to be an athlete.

oh, wait, i think i'm being an athlete.

scale break

day one without a a quick stop on the scale in the morning. that was hard.

BUT. i packed my lunch, and ate my homemade breakfast. even defrosted a couple steaks for dinner. (aside: we have been trying to eat more plant-based meals, so we've not been really dealing with our freezer contents, but as the weather warms, our evening chocolate craving becomes an ice cream craving, so i've been buying a variety of tiny ice cream treats at tj's and noticing the mess that is our freezer. i organized it last night and realized we had a corning hen, 12 steaks, 6 pork chops, 6 pounds of sausage, a huge bag of chicken breasts, a pound of bacon and two pounds of ground turkey. whoops.) monday and tuesday have been my exercise rest days lately, but i have workouts planned for tomorrow, thursday, saturday, sunday and monday (also planning to ask for a hiking date on friday). and. AND. i got fitted for running shoes and ordered a pair of brooks ravennas online! holy shamoly. i think i'm *almost* a runner. now to register for the 3 summer evening 5ks i've been eyeing up.

also? i'm pretty sure i look great. so that's a comfort.

focus

it is really important to me to lose 20-25 more pounds in about the next four months. that's because i will be graduating from BNGS in about 13 months and planning to start a family within 6 months after that. before i do that, i want to have an arm lift and i want to maintain my weight for a year first.

but i can't seem to do it. i don't know why. i follow ww perfectly-- better than i ever have any other plan. i'm working out hard and often. i feel good about my eating and my exercising.

i weigh 155.6 again today. exactly the same as my first weigh in on ww.

so it's a scale break for me. not stepping on until next monday. after that, it may be a good long while. i'm going to focus on eating well and running. i'm going to take swimming lessons, too. i don't know what else to do, really. i just want to feel like i'm at the right place.

victory is... OWIE!

i'm really rocking my goals this week. yesterday, i slept later than planned and wasn't on the first train to the gym, or the second or the third.

so i mapped a 2 mile route around my neighborhood and jogged the shit out of it. after about a quarter mile i realized that my route (2.05 mile loop) was mostly uphill. which i realize sounds geographically impossible, but i sweartogod it's true. and i was dying. i thought i would quit before i'd managed a half a mile and walk home in shame.

but i didn't.

i jogged, feeling like i was going about one mile an hour, the whole way (pausing for two or three traffic lights, because i am so not cool enough to jog in place at a light) back to my block. i estimate my block is .05 miles, so i walked it home once i turned on to it. it took me about 31 minutes, so my normal "running" pace of 15 minute miles. WHOA.

then i tried a yoga video and i pulled something that made breathing while laying in my preferred sleeping positions painful, so i slept badly and skipped the 6am spin class today. but i'm still getting 5 workouts this week! i'm also nursing a sore hip flexor and a weird toe pain, so i'm giving in and heading to the fancy running store to consider new shoes. and compression pants because, dude, i can FEEL my loose skin bouncing around. awful.

i registered for my memorial day 5k today, oh yes i did.

>>>>>

other goals are fine and dandy. i made 5 days of breakfasts yesterday and packed salad today. it's a week into may and i have spent just $5 (on two lattes)! tomorrow i have to navigate mass-market "italian" food with the inlaws. not sure if it will be carrabba's or olive garden, but neither is listed in the ww database, so i have some legwork to do...

may-- week 1

i've made breakfast the past three days and will make tomorrow's & friday's tomorrow.

i've packed lunch the past three days and will eat at home tomorrow and make extra to pack friday.

i weight trained yesterday, have spinning today, will run tomorrow, hope to spin friday, weight training saturday and running sunday. (my ww week runs m-s.) that's six workouts! HOLLA!

omg, yes, i know, register for the 5ks. will do. today. promise.

3 days of p+ tracking (i pretrack) down! no special events this weekend.

..........

can we have a talk about arm lifts? maybe this weekend i'll post a nice muscle shot and we can vote on whether my batwings will ever go away or if i should start saving my pennies to buy some surgeon a boat.

MAY

in one month it will be summer. welllll... sort of. memorial day, not the solstice. but i count june as summer, full stop. every year for the past fifteen or so (maybe more like 18?) i've promised myself i would be thin "by next summer." yeah, i'm not thin. maybe i never will be. but i'm going to feel good THIS summer.

to that end:

• i will prepare my own breakfasts AND lunches all 17 workdays this month (i work full-time hours in 4 days a week)
• i will workout at least 4x a week this month
• i will sign up for and complete my first 5k race this month
• i will sign up for my second 5k race (july 14) this month, and set a time goal and speed-work schedule
• i will schedule my annual massage for early next month
• i will track my points+ and activity all month, every day, even special events

my weight is not doing what i want it to do. my body, while stronger and healthier every day, is not nice looking. i have to relax and let go. i feel like time is running short for this, since i want to maintain my weight for a full year before getting pregnant and be fit enough to keep up serious exercise during pregnancy. but i have 13 months of BNGS left and i need to focus on that.

there isn't an emoticon for this

i'm a bridesmaid in a november 2011 wedding. i have ADORED them both for almost 5 years and am ungodly happy for them. i don't think we'll be friends after the wedding AND i think she's already pulling away. the brideslave stuff is giving me panic attacks on the reg.

i work out-- well and hard-- 4x a week. i follow weight watchers p+ and don't even cheat. i cannot seem to lose weight. i'm still up ~10 pounds from my september low. most of my clothes either don't fit or look assy. i have 11 (or more) fancy events coming up. many of which involve many people i'm not comfortable around.

every ultrasound photo fb profile pic makes me want to scream. so. THERE'S THAT. (18 months and counting. OH THE COUNTING!)

i'm not doing very well in school and it terrifies me. what if i can't get a job??

i hate my job. but it's so comfortable. besides, i'll be our sole wage-earner in the fall. it's not a good time to switch.

i think i'm 154.8 today? but i ran a mile and a half in a row last night. a record for me.

closing night

cookies, 2 (8 p+ each)
pizza, 1 (7 p+)
cake, 1/2 slice (4 p+)

i burned through 49 weeklies AND 17 of my 26 activities. is it any wonder i'm 154.8?

fml

over the weekend (saturday am to monday am weigh-in) i "gained" 6.5 pounds. so far i'm back down 2. this is agonizing.

but surely

less than half a pound lost this week, but with teching/opening the play i directed i ate a bunch of crap and didn't work out. so i'll take my 152.8.

plugging along.

lost

i lost 3 pounds this week.

we lost the piggy early saturday morning.

i'm lost.

day four

ww is great. if you read here, you know i weigh myself daily but only "weigh in" on mondays and only record once a month. but i'm down 3 pounds already in the first blush of a new diet, as it goes. i'm eating much more than i had been. and of course making better choices.

my piggy is doing better, taking a lot of food (via syringe behind her teeth) and brightening up for her favorite people. she's been sick for well over a week now and her continued life is a good indicator that she's actually improving, even if it's hard to tell.

other than that... i'm tired. i'm tired of the community theater. i'm tired of school. i'm tired of work. i'm tired of housework.

weight watchin'

i officially joined weight watchers online this morning for three months. i'll probably renew for another month after that to get to my goal, and one more to settle in to maintenance.

my starting weight was 156.5, and my first goal is 148.7.

ww says you can expect a loss of 1-2 pounds a week after the first two weeks, so i'm kinda hoping for a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop in the first two. wouldn't you?

unlike a million other losers out there, i have never, ever done weight watchers. that makes me hopeful, though, because i've never been on a ww where you could game the system easily, so i don't know how. points+ looks like a solid plan. i'm optimistic.

my term is over now and the reading i performed in was last night. now i just have to get this play up and i'm free 2 nights a week plus my brain can relax. of course, by then i'll be taking accounting for nonprofits and law & the arts. hooray.

our guinea pig is quite sick right now, so that's an added layer. my feelings of not-keeping-up and amplified by the realization that her tiny 2-pound self managed to lose 1/2 a pound before we realized she wasn't well. we're not out of the woods yet, but we're lucky she didn't die. i can't help but feel like if i'd been home, if i'd been in the room where she lives instead of at my desk... i took responsibility for this creature. i should have paid better attention. we think she was sick for two or three days before we noticed.

fortunately, we have a great vet (he's literally saved her life twice already) and my husband is able to take time off to take care of her. no kidding- he took a sick day today to syringe feed her the organic babyfood i made her every 90 minutes to help her gain the weight back. and he's dropper feeding her clementine juice, too.

anyway... i joined weight watchers.

i don't even know, man

fact: grad school is kicking my ass.

i have not cleaned since christmas time. i have obviously *really* gained ten pounds. i have not finished unpacking. i've also been (foolishly?) volunteering, interning and directing a play. now i'm "acting" in a reading, too. i work out 2-3 times a week-- HARD-- and i'm sure that's all that's keeping me from spiraling out of control.

finals are this week. by sunday, i'll be free for a whole ten days. i've ordered an ipod shuffle to download c25k workouts on. and i'm going to join either the self "drop 10" (which i think is free) or weight watchers online. (on sunday, so i have a minute to decide.)

that memorial day 5k is going to be my victory lap. i am going to weigh no more than 135 pounds on may 30th. and then i'm going to maintain. forever.

28 x 28

i've been thinking for a while about what 28 things i'd like to accomplish before my 28th birthday is 365 days. (2012 is a leap year, right?) (like how i slipped that in there? my birthday was yesterday.) i'm working on a list, but as of this morning, there are 28 very specific things i want to accomplish before my 28th birthday.

28 pounds. i want to lose 28 pounds. i want to make it to 130 and STAY THERE. i'm up to 158. and i don't even know where to start.

i am overwhelmed right now. with school. with work. with my "volunteer" activities. with housekeeping. with my taxes. with my weight. i feel like i'm off track. i KNOW i'm off track. i want back on track, but i can't get there for a couple years. this is one thing i have to have back on track right away.

but i don't know where to start.

i suck at weekends

TWICE this weekend i drank stupidly-- switching between drinks, drinking while food is available to me, not drinking water or seltzer in between-- and NATURALLY i gained about three pounds.

after i spent two hours trying on clothes and having nothing at all fit me right (items that fit across my thighs need to be taken in a solid 3 inches in the waist) on saturday, too.

and i just got invited to a grade school (k-8th catholic school) reunion in less than 3 weeks. it would be super nice to, oh, i dunno, not still be the fattest one. that would be nice.

so, okay, TODAY it's 154.8. i expect it to drop considerably tomorrow. and i'll start jogging. and spinning's wednesday.

this is just not going well.

okay, okay!

i didn't blog last week because... i was up. up like WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY up. in the 157.something. not a nice place.

this week, i'm at 152.8. my 2011 weight barrier. yippeeeeeeeee! and this week? i'm crashing through that mthrfkr. oh. yes. i. am.

i've been training with my brother-trainer at his new gym again. new gym has a different philosophy-- heavy weights, isolation and few reps. and in a couple weeks i'm back to spinning. and. for my birthday, i'm getting myself a 5k on memorial day. so i have to be training asapsies. plus, i still go to the gym with K once a week (ish). and as soon as it warms up for real, B and i will start walking again!

but, i find, i can work out like a pro athlete (okay, possibly an exaggeration) and still not lose weight unless i'm SO CAREFUL about my food. so. i'm just going to be that careful. going well so far...

srsly?

154.4 today. the moral of the story is that i am not doing well. i can't seem to get it together. i don't know why. i think... all that time i thought i HAD to finish losing weight before grad school, i was probably right.

balls.

meh

saturday morning i was down to 150.4. this morning, officially, i was 152.8... not less than january 1, not less at all. the same. we ate three meals at restaurants this weekend, plus one from a convenience store and a good deal of booze. and i'm still down a reasonable about, even though the daily weigh-ins showed me that my weight was unnaturally night before.

i would have loved to have 152.0 today, but i bet there will be a tuesday drop.

lately, i feel very much like a grown up in my relationship with consumption... i'm more budget and space conscious. and my tastes are maturing. specifically, my taste in food & drink. lately i'm enjoying: root veggies, cooked greens, baby arugula, baby spinach, quail, pheasant, rabbit, venison, frou-frou cheeses, black coffee, dark chocolate and red wine.

i'm not sure if my growing-up taste if food is going to help me lose weight, but it's certainly making me feel better about me & food.

6 weeks.

progress

okay. wanna know something totally gross? i slept through the night last night and woke up with YELLOW SNOT! yellow snot is The Official Symptom Of The Beginning Of The End Of A Cold. and i haz it.

starting tuesday i've made myself nut up and eat real food, not comfort food, and drink water, not juice. it's been rough, but i'm making it. AND i'm losing weight.

i'm not sure how the weekend is going to shake out just yet, but i'm likely to have to do most of last weekend's canceled activities, plus those planned for this weekend. so, yeah, that's a lot. but i'm also going to the BNGS gym again to make the arc trainer my bitch. the goal of the arc trainer situation is to eventually get up to an hour of that and knock out like 600 calories in each workout. also to get back some lower bod & cardio strength for (another) triumphant return to running in march.

so... better. i feel better. i've done a good deal of schoolwork for the week so i can focus on 2 major assignments due on tuesday. and i'm not in a fight with my scale any more. hooray. next week's weigh in might even be-- gasp!-- less than january 1!

ballllllllllllllllllllllllllllllls

after ten days of preening over my super-human ability to avoid my husband's AWFUL cold, i came down with it on friday. just in time to ruin my weekend. of course.

oh, AND? gain back every ounce i'd lost and then some. wtf? other people lose weight when they're sick. i gain.

so, back to the drawing board. seven weeks and 15 pounds. and that won't even be goal.

calories in orange juice

long weekend challenge: lose weight AND workout while fighting a cold my husband's been down with for ten days AND fulfilling three or four social obligations. annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd: GO!

how to make your boobs look better in one easy step

okay, so at the gym on sunday, my BNGS friend (heretofore known as K) and i used weight machines. now... last time i was doing regular strength training i was using free weights (with my brother-trainer, BK) (try to keep up), but K only uses machines. so we used machines.

25 pounds felt so light on a chest fly! like nothing! i mentally patted myself on the back for retaining some muscle. the past two days, though? it hurts to fucking breath. it hurts and it's scary. my chest is tight just because my muscles are tight, but it feels like a panic attack. and you know what will make you panic for real? not being able to take a deep breath.

so i'm stretching. and drinking water. and taking advil. and going back to the gym on monday for a date with the arc trainer and 20 pounds on the fly machine. because today? my boobs look UH-MAZING. oh, yes. over-training my chest lifted, separated and enlarged the girls. LOVE. IT. not that i'm going to keep over-training. but training, for sure.

AND i paid for my spinning class today, but it doesn't start until my birthday week, so that won't get me toward my increasingly unrealistic looking goal of being at goal my my 27th (barf.) birthday.

AND my eating has been perfect for, erm, well, it's PLANNED to be perfect for two days. once i do today's eating.

my scale has not been terribly encouraging, but some of that must be the over-training, right?

four years

yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of... whatever. of me trying to lose this weight. at the time, i really expected it to take 1-1.5 years. you know, steadily losing 1.5-2 pounds a week. can we just get the maniacal laughter over with now? BWAH-hahahahah-hahaha!

my weight loss has been anything but STEADY.

but that's okay. big picture? in four years i've lost 80ish pounds. that means year five is the year of -100. of goal. of goodbye "normal" and hello "fit." (oh, yes there is a difference.)

and i've decided to kick it up a notch. i'll be 27 in 8 weeks. wellllllll, 7w, 6d. (barf.)

and i'll be 135 pounds.

officially, that's 19.4 pounds to lose, but it's really lower than that... i just haven't eaten a meal prepared at home in like two weeks. i can feel the sodium in my fingers. ANYWAY. i expect it's realistically about 16 pounds. so, just right. if i push hard.

TO THAT END:

• i went to the gym at BNGS yesterday. will be doing that once or twice a week. after four months, can i just say "OW"? i'm going to work up to 60 minutes on the arc trainer thingy. we did 10.
  
• i'm hitting up tj's for some protein, healthy quick foods and fruit tonight.
• i'm signing up for spinning with HM again, and planning to be back in shape by the time it starts in six weeks.
• i'm hoarding the $250 in loft gift cards i received for christmas so that i can buy a whole new wardrobe in march (i will probably request all clothing gift cards for my birthday as well because... duh. except i'd really like a bosu ball.)

RULES:

• count protein and calories.
• limit eating out!
• workout 3-4 times a week.
  
• water, water, water.
• BLOG
  

okay, that's nothing special, i know. but i've got my BNGS friend to work out with. i've got another friend to diet with. and i've got a husband to do both with. he's shooting for -20 (i guess that's reasonable at his size) so we'll both be at goal. no sabotage here!

the thing of it

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. riddle me this, internet:

anniversary of a trauma + husband/best friend in the universe for ever and ever amen out of town + pms + grandma's no-bake chocolate peanutbutter oatmeal bars = ??

if you guessed, "the most awkward food journal EVAH" you totally win.

the man will be home in two sleeps and the lady-related carb-and-chocolate fest should be over momentarily. today is the official end of the trauma-versary festivities. um, and eventually (later rather then sooner, please) i'll run out of the cookies.

but, mygod, self! pull it together! ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

january 1, 2011: 152.8

that sorta stings.

remember september? remember 145? remember "normal" as in "not overweight"?

me, too.

next week i'll have been on this JOURNEY (gag) for four years. four. years. and eighty-three pounds. damn. on both counts. it's taken for. ev. er. but holy hell, i've accomplished a lot.

so, i'm about eight pounds up from my low and 23 pounds from my goal.

but i'm still down 84 pounds. eighty. four. what's that, like, a seventh grader? not ME in seventh grade, i assure you, but other people, right?

i know you want a resolution, not of the "it's over, look at my hot size-six, no issues ass!" ilk, but of the "in 2011, i will lose the last 23 pounds" garden-variety new yearsy type. you've come to the right place, baby. because it 2011, i WILL lose the last 23 pounds. i will. i will. i will.

here's what i DID accomplish in 2010:

• i started grad school and finish my first term with a 4.0
• i lost, i think, like 20 pounds
• i graduated from therapy
• i got through last night with *one* minor freak-out
• we moved to a kick-ass new apartment
• i helped the love of my life get back in shape (my husband now weighs my start weight: 236 pounds. he's six foot. i'm five three.)

here's what's on deck for 2011:

• losing the last 23
  
• banging out 10 of my remaining 13 courses
• bringing my local community theater back to life
• staying sane

i'll be back here, i think. i need to get back in shape. hardcore. this helps me, even if there's nobody reading.