Hiatus

I'm not here. I'm not anywhere else, either. When I write the date on my rent check, I still write 2010 every time. School is almost finished but... eh. I might not be back.

Maybe I'm just 155 forever.

how to make your boobs look better in one easy step

okay, so at the gym on sunday, my BNGS friend (heretofore known as K) and i used weight machines. now... last time i was doing regular strength training i was using free weights (with my brother-trainer, BK) (try to keep up), but K only uses machines. so we used machines.

25 pounds felt so light on a chest fly! like nothing! i mentally patted myself on the back for retaining some muscle. the past two days, though? it hurts to fucking breath. it hurts and it's scary. my chest is tight just because my muscles are tight, but it feels like a panic attack. and you know what will make you panic for real? not being able to take a deep breath.

so i'm stretching. and drinking water. and taking advil. and going back to the gym on monday for a date with the arc trainer and 20 pounds on the fly machine. because today? my boobs look UH-MAZING. oh, yes. over-training my chest lifted, separated and enlarged the girls. LOVE. IT. not that i'm going to keep over-training. but training, for sure.

AND i paid for my spinning class today, but it doesn't start until my birthday week, so that won't get me toward my increasingly unrealistic looking goal of being at goal my my 27th (barf.) birthday.

AND my eating has been perfect for, erm, well, it's PLANNED to be perfect for two days. once i do today's eating.

my scale has not been terribly encouraging, but some of that must be the over-training, right?

four years

yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of... whatever. of me trying to lose this weight. at the time, i really expected it to take 1-1.5 years. you know, steadily losing 1.5-2 pounds a week. can we just get the maniacal laughter over with now? BWAH-hahahahah-hahaha!

my weight loss has been anything but STEADY.

but that's okay. big picture? in four years i've lost 80ish pounds. that means year five is the year of -100. of goal. of goodbye "normal" and hello "fit." (oh, yes there is a difference.)

and i've decided to kick it up a notch. i'll be 27 in 8 weeks. wellllllll, 7w, 6d. (barf.)

and i'll be 135 pounds.

officially, that's 19.4 pounds to lose, but it's really lower than that... i just haven't eaten a meal prepared at home in like two weeks. i can feel the sodium in my fingers. ANYWAY. i expect it's realistically about 16 pounds. so, just right. if i push hard.

TO THAT END:

• i went to the gym at BNGS yesterday. will be doing that once or twice a week. after four months, can i just say "OW"? i'm going to work up to 60 minutes on the arc trainer thingy. we did 10.
  
• i'm hitting up tj's for some protein, healthy quick foods and fruit tonight.
• i'm signing up for spinning with HM again, and planning to be back in shape by the time it starts in six weeks.
• i'm hoarding the $250 in loft gift cards i received for christmas so that i can buy a whole new wardrobe in march (i will probably request all clothing gift cards for my birthday as well because... duh. except i'd really like a bosu ball.)

RULES:

• count protein and calories.
• limit eating out!
• workout 3-4 times a week.
  
• water, water, water.
• BLOG
  

okay, that's nothing special, i know. but i've got my BNGS friend to work out with. i've got another friend to diet with. and i've got a husband to do both with. he's shooting for -20 (i guess that's reasonable at his size) so we'll both be at goal. no sabotage here!

orientation

hey. um, i'm not dead. wazzup?

i'm pushing 150 today after a week of pumpkin spice lattes and eating whenever the opportunity presents itself. and beer. oh, my god, the beer. i think i drank about 25 beers this week. and two shots.

on-campus orientation for BNGS was amazing. i made lifelong friends and lifelong frenemies. and got really upset when nasty comments about the fat girl (who, unrelated, was UNGODLY annoying) were whispered to me. because they saw me as... normal. they never knew me fat. one girl-- my new bff-- offered to lend me clothes to wear to the theater (a top, as our walk to her place was warmer than expected and i'd planned only to swap my jeans for a skirt). she wears an 8. insane.

so, now i have my work cut out for me. i need to relose this five and lose at least 10 more. oh, AND, i need to get my masters degree. so. yeah. i guess it's a little late to point this out, but i may not be around much.

the mouths of babes

once-best friend's five year old yesterday: "becklette used to be really big with lots of curly hair; she's worked out when i saw her."

i took my hair down and showed her it was still there. had she been my kid, we would have used that statement for a conversation about how bodies are different, big and little, tall and short, fat and thing, two legs, one leg, no legs... but she's not. so we just sat there. feeling uncomfortable.

it actually has probably been about a year since i saw her-- i lived, briefly, with her parents in the months before her birth and always thought of her as my niece-- which is sad and must have made the changes in me jarring to her. but on the other hand... how does a kindergartner know that working out makes you not fat? because, frankly, that's not always true. it makes you stronger and healthier but, really, truly, doesn't always make you thinner.

again: not my kid.

end of august

this weekend, i...

1. jogged a mile in 18 minutes
2. which means i jogged for eighteen minutes STRAIGHT
3. hit my -90 pound mark
4. bought size 10 jeans at the gap after trying-- and fitting in-- five pairs
5. didn't gain weight at a barbeque
   

a little less conversation, a little more action

i loved spinning to that song. i'm not signed up for spinning in the fall for a variety of reasons, primarily a mis-communication with my husband.

i'm not writing here right now. i mean, right NOW i am, but currently in a bigger way? not really.

but i'm still kicking. i even saw a four in the tens place a couple times this week, which should make for a very nice september weigh-in.

missed the mark

155.6. so close. i could have done it. i could have laid off the chocolate chips. or avoided the cake batter. made my new "ice cream OR beer" rule before... today.

155.6. and, ya know what? it's AWESOME. i'm really pleased. i thought for sure that my size 31p (that's 12p) jeans would not fit right out of the dryer today, but they did.

155.6 and i've lost *over* eighty pounds. 20.5 to go!

my husband broke 35 pounds yesterday. it's been 6.5 weeks? i think? "oh, that i were a man," (ten points to the person who gets this) "i would EAT HIS HEART IN THE MARKETPLACE!" i just wish i had a metabolism like that. damn. he looks great. lots of clothes fit again and he's full of energy. he works out every. day. no kidding. he's getting all muscled and stuff, too.

anyway, back to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

so, we've booked our trip in september to visit mil, sfil, sbil & hbil. and goal for that trip is, well, GOAL. conveniently, you know what stretches neatly between now and then (september 8)? the summer. we're going to florida the weekend after labor day. but before THAT, we're hoping desperately to take a little trip somewhere sunny and slow and flowing with booze and saltwater pools. that's scheduled for july 12th. well, not SCHEDULED in the strictest sense. it's planned, but it's going to be a very last-minute deal. we'll book it based on what we can afford a week before when i get a bonus.

sooooooooo...

yeah.

for the next six weeks (including this weekend's party double-header!) i need to lose 1.75 pounds a week to hit the top of my range (145) by the imaginary vacation. after that, including the vacation week, i'll need to lose 1.25 pounds a week to meet my final goal by labor day.

goal for next monday: 153.8.

wow. i'm gonna do it.

you say you want a resolution

in 2010, i resolve to finish losing weight, quite smoking (a. gain.) and make a happy habit of exercise. i will be a better friend, a better housekeeper and an optimistic person. i will pay off debt and save money. i will eat my veggies. i will love hard and play hard and not think unhelpful thoughts.


easier said, i guess. but i'll try.

so, i've bought my 30 day shred and a food scale. i signed up for a free week of calorieking.com and start paying on monday. (they started me at 1390 calories a day! a FEAST! of course i went over by like 2000 yesterday!) this weekend i'll have to clean out my workout area. the plan is to do the 30 day shred straight through to february 3rd, then stay on level 3 for two more weeks before starting my spinning & kickboxing classes. and yoga. ugh. kid brother is training our mom for $10 a session and i'm seriously considering asking for the same rate. he will also be taking the spinning class with me-- for optimal humiliation, of course.

i feel like sighing. i'm so glad christmas is over-- though it did turn out to be lovely and joyful with sparkling wine and all my brothers, even the oldest of my brothers' best friend, who might as well be my brother, and even the youngest had a beer and we were all cool with it and a flip video camera and a lenox pitcher set, $400 in clothing/shoe/accessory gift cards (loft, gap & aldo), and so much laughter, which is, after all, worth more than the presents. now i have only to squeeze through the new year business and it's all over and okay.

and then i'll finish up here.

so. who all's doing the 30 day shred, and do you wanna start on january 4th with me?



ps- i weighed only 169.4 this morning, and we ate at chili's yesterday, so there's hope yet...

precognition

i feel exactly like i did three years ago.

2006 was flickering out, then, and i was a newlywed which, okay, i don't feel like THAT anymore, and i was thinking about GETTING IT DONE.

(i will admit that my plan then? was to lose 100 pounds in 2007. HA!)

2009 is winding down now, like, for real for real. two weeks, dudes! actually, way less: 10 days. and when 2010 brings an end to the revelry, i'm GETTING IT DONE.

i don't remember what my plan was for 2007. i think, honestly, it might have been "eat less, move more" because i had NOT been limiting myself in ANY way for, oh, a year. (funny story: i gained FIFTY POUNDS in the fifteen months between meeting my husband and getting married. and, yes, i mean 15 months. that's three and a half pound a month, almost a pound a week. in theory. only, i actually gained it in, oh, probably six months.) and i've destroyed my records-- in a fit of anger when they started saying thing like +/-0 every week.

but this is the plan for 2010:

1. i'm going to join calorieking.com. i know there are tons of free sites like it, but i need to pay for it. i considered weight watchers, but decided i'd hate myself. (no offense, if that's your thing, but what is up with POINTS?)
2. i'm going to buy--and DO-- the 30 day shred. i've seen lots of good things about it and, frankly, any workout that goes by in 20 minutes and kicks my ass without having to, like, go outside sounds good to me. amazon is selling it for about $11.
   
3. i'm going to sign up for (and take, natch) a spinning class (EEEEE!) and a kickboxing class through the local community-center-without-a-center. that will be an hour of serious and, again, paid for cardio two nights a week for 10 weeks. i think they'll run february through mid-april, so by the time they're over it should be warm enough to wog and i'll be much fitter. i'll probably also take some yoga or pilates for balance.
   
4. in mid-april, i'm going to get my ass back to the track and RUN. maybe i'll even download the real c25k podcasts and stuff.
5. i'll also hire my brother-- currently working on his personal training internship, the last step before certification-- to train me like a man for 6 or 8 weeks.

this plan culminates just as skimpy-clothing-season kicks off, but i have another goal in mind. my husband's stepsister is getting married in may and a lot of people there won't have seen us since OUR wedding (nearly four years by that point) and the size fourteen dress that could. i want to wear an 8. probably with a short skirt, superhigh heels and, as my grandmother would say, legs right up to my ass. see, i'm not likely to ever have nice arms or abs because of the floppy skin, but my legs always seem to bounce back.

so, my end-goals for 2010 (which will really be in june):

1. 130-145 pounds
2. size 8ish
3. and fit, like, REALLY fit

and that's what i'm precognating right f'ing now. the end.

grief

my uncle passed away last night. NOT the guy i call my uncle who is really my dad's cousin. my actual uncle. my dad's mentally retarded younger brother.

i don't know how i would deal with this grief if i cared. it's nothing personal, it's just... it's as if a stranger died. i haven't seen him in three years, and that's IF he came to my wedding (i don't recall). if not, it's four. before that... funerals. when we were children, he favored the boys, buying them hess trucks and letting them watch (but never touch!) his train set. the girls were useless to him. but the really weird part is that the death of this stranger has deeply affected my father, and for that i am sorry, just like when my grandfather died four years ago.

i was up all night after the call woke me. i was thinking about how callous i must be to be worry about the inconvenience. i bought LOTS of christmas presents yesterday, and now money's tight to be buying a suit jacket (husband's are too small) and a black dress or whatever (mine are... i don't know. gone? too big? awol? i have nothing to wear.)-- what kind of asshole thinks of that?

since i'm not really part of the family, i'm not concerned that people will be piling food on my counters or worrying about whether i eat. so, that's good. but i don't know when i'll workout.

in any case: 167.8 is the official start weight.

ate, drank, was merry

over the past few days, i've ordered pizza just because, grazed for three hours while chatting with family, enjoyed second helpings of stuffing with sausage-- and no helpings of turkey and cranberry chutney-- eaten two slices of pie in front of people, ordered fries while my companion had cole slaw, and generally enjoyed the holiday's food offerings.

and i'm back.

i'm not willing to enjoy the present at the expense of the future anymore. so i'm doing a little experiment.

i've suspected for a while that, had i gone off on my ACTUAL own after college, i would have lost the weight. because i would have been in a position to totally control my food environment and not worry about anyone else's schedule. instead i got married. so, for the next few months, sunday-friday, i will pretend i'm not married. i will cook on the weekends for my husband, but i will workout while he eats. my dinner will be a very low-cal meal after my workout (and a larabar at work beforehand).

i hope to wrap this up on march 1 at 140 pounds, in the habit of working out daily (arms, abs and cardio) and able to run for 30 minutes.

so. that's 13 weeks. and it runs right through christmas, new year's and valentine's day. (and right up to my 26th birthday. EEP.) i don't know for official yeat, but according to today's weight, it's 29 pounds. over 2 pounds a week (i will settle for 145 and all the other goals). BUT, let's be honest, after a couple days low on white carbs and salt, i may well be looking at a 5 pound week.

december's goals are:

1. -12 pounds (by the first january weigh in)
2. 30 minutes cardio 5 to 7 days a week (video, bike, stepper, walk)
3. ab work 4-6 days a week

and that's that. thinks i expect to be eating the most of are:

• bean & veg soups
• egg whites & low-cal bread
• fruits
• veggies
• salads with low-fat cheese
• lara bars

i am getting this DONE. this is make-or-break, shit-or-get-off-the-pot, all-or-nothing time. and i choose to make shit and all. er. something less gross.

the next three months-- the traditional months of selflessness and giving-- are all the fuck about me.

(no, i'm not going to skip the MASSIVE baking plans i have. i'm just going to be really brave.)

i'm looking forward to a possible visit to nyc in march (OR, omfg, to ITALY since the same weekend is showing PHENOMENAL rates to rome!), hearing back from grad school around that time, my husband's stepsister's wedding in may (and looking totally HOT so people who haven't seen me since MY wedding will think my husband and i broke up!) and... turning 26 in the body i've always wanted. and a size 8 dress.

are you sitting down?

i didn't work out. I KNOW, you're shocked. me, too.

i DID eat pizza and cupcakes and magical pepperoni dip.

i'm so disappointed in myself. and embarrassed. ugh. i'm drowning, here. i don't want to settle. i realized this yesterday, i don't want to accept 80 pounds down as good enough. 156 pounds isn't even in the "healthy" bmi range... not that that's totally accurate, but i have a pretty medium frame and am not very muscular, so, ya know, it might apply to me. and i know that it's not a weight where i'd wear a bikini... or a miniskirt... or a backless top or whatever fabulous thing i imagine my skinny self FINALLY, triumphantly wearing. i know (from experience, remember i was about 155 in 2003ish) that my arms will still be floppy and my legs will lack definition.

i don't want that.

i want to be slim and strong. i want to be delicate and girly. i want to be comfortable. and i want to have lost my 101 pounds. i DO.

now. how the fuck do i make it happen? i mean, MAKE IT. how do i succeed? losing 32ish pounds is no small task. but i need it. i need success. what do i do?

balls!

i was just thinking how i don't have anything, really, to do tonight. i sent my essay (second draft!) off to my editor friend last night and finished my class. i have nothing to bake, nothing to study, nothing to do after my grandmother-in-law's birthday dinner which, she's 78, it'll be over early.

and then i thought...

motherfuck! i didn't workout last night! (i went to class, made cupcakes and revised my essay, though.) and i didn't workout this morning! (... i have no excuse, really.) i SO DO have something to do tonight: work. the. fuck. out.

i have been really off lately, with THE FOODZ. i haven't even eaten a LOT, per se, just really poor choices. not the best by any means. like, oreos for breakfast AGAIN. fried rice for lunch. a cookie and a cupcake for dinner. bad idea.

i bought a million cherry pie lara bars last night, and am wondering... what if i ate, say, egg whites for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a lara bar for dinner, like, until christmas? NIGHT FOOD is what kills me. it just kills me dead. see above: a cookie and a cupcake for dinner. so, supposin' i just eliminated the problem? i could make nice dinners for my husband on the weekend, casseroles and such that he can eat all week, and just eat lara bars. with the holidays approaching, i know i'm going to be stressed and pretty much trapped in my kitchen FOREVER, so what if i just... simplify?

(in which i psycho-analyze myself)

what. the. living. fuck.

why don't i follow through? i'm REALLY GOOD at planning, but whyyyyyyy don't i follow throuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh?

because i suck?

because i'm lazy?

because i LOVE food?

yes.

and because i'm afraid of being done?

eh. i dunno. isn't it odd that after being told that the last ten pounds are the hardest i decided that i only have 10 pounds (more or less) to go? it's like a got a get-out-of-trying-free card. which... GOD. just TRY. i mean, how long will it be before settling for a 10/12 because settling for a loose 14? and then will i realize that my 14s would fit if i just gained ten pounds? and then... what? another 50 to get into my wedding dress again?

to get up so speed i need to do 25 minutes on the stepper and 25 sit-ups tonight or tomorrow morning. i can jump back on the moving train, right? that's a good idea?

166.8... 5.8 pounds and i can post a -75 picture. won't that be fun?

40 days (and forty nights, if we're being specific)

a pound every four days. one and three-quarters pound a week. starting... NOW. seriously, 166.0. not 1/5th of a pound fluctuation all week?? whatev.

it has been a tough week. the end-point of 150-156 is looking more and more unlikely. and it wasn't an unreasonable goal. i didn't work out last night OR this morning and i feel awful about it. i need to pick up and dust off, like, for real for real. i've made peace with the shitstorm and i really want inner peace to = outer beauty. (okay! okay! THINNESS. i want it to mean THINNESS.)

of course, i am, at this very moment, eating oreos. that does seem counter-productive...

i made a get-in-real-shape-really plan for NEXT year (what? you think i can abandon my physical fitness and not get really fat again. side note: when will i not think i'm fat? ever??). now i just have to meet my weight/size goal-- and yes, i do think i'll go down another size when i'm all buff and shit-- because OHMYGOD i need to be DOOOOOOOONE. and i know i won't be able to walk away unless i made it.

two weeks to thanksgiving. i want to see 165 next week (or 164) and then i'm going to do a little pulse of seriously-don't-fuck-up and try for 160 for the food-centric holiday.

you know how they say everything can change in an instant?

i feel like that today.

yesterday i was sitting here, felling crummy about not having worked out. annoyed that my sister had opened the christmas dinner evite but not rsvp'd. freaking the fuck out about where i would get a second letter of recommendation for grad school.

today, i am feeling really successful because i worked out last night and... this morning. i've received an email from my sister reaching out to me for the first time in three years. i have an enthusiastic instructor very willing to recommend me.

funny thing? i still weigh exactly 166.0*. i feel a lot lighter.

16 pounds in 42 days is improbable, i know, but i'm shooting. if i don't make 16, i know i'll make 10 and i'll be in damn good shape.


*nearly 40% of my in-range calories yesterday were, ah, celebratory. that is, chocolate and wine. hmmmm... why didn't i lose weight??

a comedy of mistakes

(or why it would be REALLY BAD were domingo NOT a fictional character from a fictional book by a fictional author/historian.)

uuuuhh, yeah. are we clear?

so... wha' had happened wuz...

i had a meeting with my boss to discuss how my health insurance isn't meeting my needs. it's provided by the company free of charge to me and money is tiiiiiiiiiiiiight so i can't go onto my husband's (taken out of his pay pre-tax) insurance without getting a raise to match it. $1.93 p/h to be precise. i also had to ask him to write me a recommendation for grad school. a REALLY GLOWING one. (spoiler: he said yes and was a little flattered that i asked.)

mistake #1: i get really fucking nervous asking people for things and i stutter and sweat and it's bad. so i took a xanax. it worked! i was cool as a cucumber at 3pm when we met and i got everything i asked for. (although, really, $1.93 an hour? wouldn't a normal person be like, eh, let's make it $2 even-- after two years without a raise?)

so, we got home and, like i said yesterday, we'd had some folks over on saturday. the two lovely women brought us lovely hostess-gifty bottles of wine, one of which (a riesling) was opened by the very drunk mate of said gifting lady. he drank one glass before switching back to beer, then to sweet tea vodka, then back to beer again. (i can't even think about that.)

mistake #2: i enjoy a glass of white, so i had one while a made dinner. at about 5:30, not three hours after 1mg of xanax.

during dinner, we often watch the daily show from the previous night on hulu. since there's no show on sunday night, there was none to watch, but our netflix had arrived...

mistake #3: transsiberian.

i fell the fuck asleep because oh.my.god. boring. i slept (drugged, okay, let's face it) like a baby until 11, got up to pee and brush my teeth and slept like a baby until 6:55. yes, i DO feel great today. VERY well-rested.

and i have an alarm set for 7pm*. there's 43 days until my move-on date. by the time i move on (to getting majorly fit) i want to be able to do 50 sit-ups and an hour of cardio. in order to do that, i'm starting today with 15 minutes of cardio and 20 sit-ups. i'll add a minute every day and 5 sit-ups every week.

sorry, domingo. but at least the man in black DID reach the top of the cliffs of insanity alive, right?

oh, and, hey, i still hit 166.0 which is kinda a big, important deal. i've lost 70 pounds. not bad, eh? well, let me just say, that pretty number from last week-- and next week!-- it was BETTER.


*edited to add: uh, DUR, becklette. when that 7pm alarm goes off in the DEAD MIDDLE of your starting a fundraising program class tonight, it will not improve you odds of getting a reccommendation letter from the instructor. let's make that 8:45, shall we?

shhhhhhhh...

(omfg, i saw a pretty pretty number, it needs to stick around until tuesday.)

so... who is this person i keep seeing in the mirror?

granted, i've been sick, and that always messes with my perception of myself. but my hair has gone all blah and my boobs are drooping-- yes, my 25 year old boobs!-- and i'm all soft and squishy and... dude, are my pants too big? cause my sweater definitely is.

i'm calling a halt to this whole losing-weight thing in a couple months, but my personal care needs some work. FIRST OF ALL i need to get in shape, hardcore. so as not to be squishy. by the end of this week i'm going to have to actually get up 20 minutes early (20. minutes.) to start on a little workout program. i'm going to start at 12 minutes on the stepper and 15 sit-ups a day and add 1 minute every day and 5 sit-ups every week until the end of the year. only thing is, i gotta start by the end of the week in order to reach nice, round numbers at the end of the year. and next year will be the year of fitness.

another thing, what should i do with this blog when i don't want to be hung up on the almighty SCALE anymore? i've been thinking of taking on a new blog under my real name and stuff. would you guys (if there are any of you left) come with me? please weigh in. (HA!)

sign of the beast

(alternate title: "i saw becklette with the devil")

166.6.

with the aid of a weekend (plus) spend in fitful sleep, i managed to lose a WHOLE 0.8 pounds. so, um, actually, not a whole anything. october went by so fast. i can't even fathom how hard the next two months are going to be as they zoom past my ears.

shit.