losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.

...

154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.

just the way i am

today, i am happy with my body.

i'm up .4 pounds from yesterday, but i don't care. my knees are still too fat to wear my riding boots, but that's okay. i'm still "overweight" by a good 15 pounds, but that's fine by me.

tonight we're going right from work to an alumni weekend event at hub's alma mater. it's a mural tour of the city, followed by a tour of a local brewery and a reception at a local concert venue. i wanted to look nice so... i reached into my closet and grabbed a pretty mauve-ish top and a charcoal gray sweater. and put them on. and knew i looked nice.

have i mentioned that i'm wearing jeans i bought in 2003? when i was at my lowest weight? because i am. in 2003 i wanted to lose 20 more pounds (to hit 135). now, i'd be pretty thrilled to lose 19 more (to hit 140). but i'm CONTENT. this is a good size for me. i look good, i feel good, i rocked the shit out of my spinning class last night. this is good.

yes, of course, the backwings, the cottage cheesey thighs, the goddamn knee fat. but ya know? i'm probably going to wear mostly jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops anyway. i'm fine.


...............


yesterday, independent of one another, two of my friends told me they were proud of me for how far i'd come. two people understand that it's a fight, every day, and not just a case of not drinking soda and parking farther away from the mall.

i'm grateful to both of them, for seeing it.

and i'm proud of me, too.

trending

i think it's clear to see from the list over there (>>>>>>) that my weight continues to trend downward. not necessarily at the pace i'd prefer, but what are you going to do, right? especially when you're eating leftover green bean casserole 2 meals a day.

my leep is scheduled for next thursday. this morning i dropped my husband off at the airport to visit his family. tonight i have a shopping trip planned. tomorrow: work and a massage! i'm leek souping this weekend, but my uncles will be in town so... it might be more like 3 days but only half-assed. and i'm cat-sitting.

there will be a 5-week spinning class after this one ends (in. two. weeks.) and we're definitely going to take it. LOVE spinning. i'm looking forward to moving into the city so i can take spinning at BNGS's gym five days a week. JUST KIDDING. maybe 2 or 3. can't drop the ball on weight lifting, ya know, or running. oh, wait... where is that running ball?

anyway. still alive. still pretty freaked, though the leep ain't no thing... according to my grandmother who had it almost 50 years ago (before it was LEEP when it was still called a "coning") and my mom who claims that "everyone who's anyone has had that." sometimes i feel like my mom maybe could have provided me with a little more information about lady-business growing up. which is why MY hypothetical daughters will know these things:

1. two methods is better than one
2. he might be carrying something you don't know about (see: mono & hpv)
3. kick, scream, scratch, bite, WHATEVER, if you don't want something to happen to you-- be DONE to you-- fight like hell
4. preventative care is important (2 cancer scares and 4 fillings later i have the message)

::end soapboxing::

also, end blogging. it's too goddamn early.


oh, ps-- i hadn't seen my husband's grandfather since christmas and HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. score.

i spent most of the night running from vampires

sometimes i wake up exhausted after DREAMING that i'm being really active. last night it was being chased by vampires, knowing that there was a safe place and i could find it, but not knowing how to get there.

it was like 30 days of night + daybreakers / buffy the vampire slayer with a sprinkle of college.

i am tired.

my weight is up a bit from friday's low, but nothing to be concerned about. i did PRETTY WELL on my plan for the weekend. a quick roundup:

• i did c25k week 1, workout 1 on friday night!
• saturday i made breakfast: turkey bacon, scrambled egg + white, ezekiel toast.
• lunch was wawa sandwiches. hubs downsized to a whole wheat shortie meatball sub and i hit upon the genius idea to get a turkey junior with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickles-- no cheese or oil. it was delicious and fresh and flavorful for 200 calories!
• dinner i planned for 2 ipas and a burger with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickle. i went over by ONE piece of italian potato salad, ONE dorito, two damn chocolates and a bowl of nutella mousse... which. sigh. i intended to clean the kitchen while the family ate dessert. when i came back to the table, my mother had placed a custard bowl at my place and... i tasted it. and then i ate it. it was amazing.
  
• i planed to do wo 2 on sunday morning but i slept too late and had to get ready for ssil's shower instead. i decided not to drink at the shower so i could wog after.
  
• but i spent, in addition to the three and a half hour shower, three hours in the car while my mother bitched and moaned about how everyone (including my poor, innocent ssil, whose shower & wedding my mother has been OBSESSED with going to!) was "eating" her weekend. and about how she needed to lose 14 pounds. the irony of her pie/weekend metaphor was lost on her. i had two glasses of wine.
  
• and then i took a nap & recreated the bacon & egg meal for my dinner.
  

and now it's today!

everyone noticed how amazing i looked in my red dress. alas, my camera is dead. like... DEAD dead. i thought it was just the battery. we're looking for the service plan and hoping it was for 2 years. but i WANTED to show you.

so... 165 for real today and i'm sliding back into consistency today. i have dinner planned out and bk tonight. i think i can end march at least as low as i ended february, but on a trustworthy scale.


ps-- expect some radio silence tomorrow because i have that follow-up test in the morning and, well, i'm gonna take a xanax or four, which means i'll probably sleep the rest of the day. wish me luck!

comfort

i'm under a ton of stress right now. and it's all birthday stress.

like i said yesterday, i am totally cool with my age. 26? is NOTHING. i feel great, i LOOK younger than... ever. i'm happy. i'm going to grad school and growing into a sense of style. growing my hair out. it's good.

but my birthday?

let me tell you the story of my birthday... i get all excited, plan something big & really nice for the people invited. 1/3 of them come (or fewer! last year it was ONE-- thanks tra!). i am humiliated. and then i get in a fight with my fil, unrelated to my humiliation. so this year, we planned to be out of town. but... that turned out to be way too expensive. so we planned to take a day trip. then my mom insisted on doing a big thing at her house and i got her to invite my inlaws to kill two birds with one awkward dinner. then friends of my husband's invited us over some time this week. i told him to tell them THURSDAY or FRIDAY. he said FRIDAY or SATURDAY. they, naturally, picked saturday. so i told him that it was fine but that he should be aware that it will be awkward for them to realize that it's my birthday. so he told them and they decided to have a small party. and... shit is hitting the fan. my husband and e are doing a lot of the planning but i'm freaking out. i don't WANT a party. i don't want to be humiliated again. and i don't want to buy a keg, but NO WAY am i having a byo at 26... and it's rough.

so i had a good cry and ate a few chocolate wafer cookies. and worked out with bk.

yesterday i took my wedding, engagement and right-hand rings to be re-sized. my engagement ring was a 7, my wedding band an 8 and my right-hand ring an 8.5. so, my wedding set are going to be a SIX AND A QUARTER and my sparkles are going down to a 7. ho. ly. shit. that's a big difference. (i also had a diamond stud cut off and repaired and a bracelet repaired. i've been saving up my jewelry repairs.) but now, without my wedding jewelry, i feel NAKED. and lately i've become accustomed to twirling them around all the time. i keep reaching for them for comfort and panicking.

this weekend... i have to focus. on stopping when i'm full. on enjoying everything. on not self-hating. and on hydrating to avoid hangover.

compliments from my mother

"there's nothing left of you!"

she really said that. my mother, who used to be defined on the sidebar as mommie dearest- the source of all shame. i realize that doesn't come close to describing my relationship with my mother, but what could? how can you define a relationship with your MOTHER? but the fact of the matter is, to my mom i am still part of her. despite my adult voice and my true nose, she still thinks of me as being a bit of HER that's out there walking around without permission. it takes a lot from me for her to approve. she won't be impressed that i got into Big Name Grad School until i graduate. she won't be proud of me for trying to run until i succeed. it's taken 70 pounds for her to comment favorably on my weight loss (f'ed up, i know, but she's one of those people for whom "you're too skinny!" is a compliment, i swear).

and her scale put me at 162.0.

i'm taking it, because she has the same scale as my (broken) one and it will be two weeks or more until mine arrives (goddamn super saver shipping). i weighed myself there yesterday at 6pm, probably dehydrated. but shit, man. i look good. i'm not kidding. i believe it.

i do believe my ass is bruised

yesterday was awful. after the dentist, i moped and pouted. we're postponing our big italy trip until AFTER grad school. it's too much money and too much stress. i'm heartbroken. we ate pizza and fries. we had a huge argument about me being heartbroken. mean things were said. i cried off all my mascara. we made up.

and off i went to spinning.

e had said she might drop the class if it wasn't up to her pace, but she had a physical for her new job and found out that she gained 15 pounds when she quit smoking. so she's not. that's really happy news for me. sad for her, of course.

okay, spinning.

so, we got to the gym and the front desk guy takes one look at us and is like, oh, you're here for spinning cause clearly YOU don't belong. we were like fish out of water. fat, out-of-shape fish.

he directed us to the locker room where we shoved our bags and jackets in a shared locker. co-dependent much? then he told us to go right back... and we sheepishly had to ask, uh, go where? when we found the room we regretted missing our chance to take the 7pm, not because it was earlier, but because maybe it didn't smell like this then...

a sweaty, fat guy adjusted our bikes for us (back & center with a clear line to the mirror but no one to see our asses) while a jon hamm look-alike signed us all in. the spin instructor shall heretofore be called "hm" for "hot mike." there were 12 of us in the class with hm-- one middle aged dude, 5 young women (three skinny including one i knew from the classes in the fall, me & e) and six middle aged women of varying degrees of fitness.

so we all pedaled for a while, it's like ten of eight at this point, while he checked out form and such. my ass hurt already. e's, uh, something ELSE hurt. we giggled and made trouble in the back. of course. at about 8 hm took us through the basic positions and whatnot. there was... sitting, crouching, standing, leaning too far forward to reasonable be safe and, i dunno, maybe something else. those aren't their real names. i was too busy not dying to catch them.

hm told us we could sit down and pedal slowly for 30 seconds if we needed a rest. it reminded me of jillian. right then and there a couple of the middle aged ladies DID. i felt smug and grateful that i wasn't first. i was sweating. EVERYWHERE. (oh and this is about when two of the middle aged ladies arrived all like, oh! i thought class was at 8:10!)

we did our first climb which was like, sit, crouch, stand, crouch sit, turn up the resistance, repeat 3 times. then we took the resistance down slowly and did a bunch of other stuff. i regretted the pizza and feared it would make an encore performance. at around 8:30 i took a little sit (nearly everyone had except the dude, one super-fit middle aged lady and e). so did one of the late ladies. then she got off the bike and sat down on the steps. with her head between her knees. hm checked on her. so did her two friends. then they all left the room. then the other one who had been lat came back to announce that she was going to the ladies' room to be sick.

and i felt smug and grateful that it wasn't me.

all of a sudden i realized we were cooling down! and then stretching! it was amazing. we got off the bikes to do a couple more stretches and, whoa, it was like getting off a boat. crazy. and then... hm told us "great job, ladies!" undoubtedly making the one dude feel silly, and we hobbled out.

it was fucking incredible. i'm SO SAD the other class got canceled.


in other news:

• i rescheduled my dental work for easter monday, by which point i will have a bonus and my tax refund.
• my husband ate 5 of the no-pudge brownies i made and put in the freezer and has eaten 4 slices of ezekiel bread each of the past two days, two for lunch and two with oil and a beer as a bedtime snack. i hate to be like this, but COME THE FUCK ON! it's like having a hybrid suv! sure, of you legitimately NEED an suv, by all means please get a hybrid, but do you really NEED to eat three diet brownies at a pop? when there are regular ones in the freezer, too? do you NEED the 400 calorie bedtime carb/alcohol snack? i don't make diet brownies so you can eat MORE brownies, i made them so i could eat ONE!
• my mom complimented my will-power over the weekend... i don't think she saw when i ate 2 cookies, 2 blondies, 1.5 blueberry bars, a peanut butter brownie and a small oreo sundae. still felt good.

so, focus: meet targets! water! schedule with bk for an ARM DAY tomorrow, since he sneakily gave me an ab day tuesday!

high hopes

i had such high hopes. i guess i can still hope, but i'm going to have to ROCK my diet & water today. like, whoa. and that's going to be tough.

let me 'splain.

1. i weighed 164.2 for three days in the last week (friday, saturday & sunday)-- a NEW (this time) LOW! hence: high hopes.
2. today it's 166.2, but yesterday was a party for my brother and, though i could have done worse, there were some really fucking good sweets there, i think i ate a brownie, two blondies, a small sundae and... a blueberry crumb bar & a half. and two cookies. and hoagie (i ate ONE slice). i stuck to seltzer & veggies for several hours, though. and i only had two glasses of wine and... chex mix. but we all know that weight gained in a day (two WHOLE pounds: 7000 calories) can disappear in a day with clean eating and water.
3. so, why it's going to be hard... this is a week when i feel like i really *deserve* treats. why? because i went to the dentist today for the first time in 9 years. i have my first cavity... and my second, third & fourth. and i need to wear a night guard... forever. sexy, no? and i have to get my wisdom teeth out. i asked, how much to i really NEED to? dentist replied, that depends, how much do you want to die? ah. apparently my impaction is such that it's impossible to keep clean and an infection might not be noticed until it reached my throat and then i could suffocate. joy. TOMORROW i'm getting my annual. you know, from "the grown-up doctor" as my mom says. i love dr. l, but i'm running low on xanax! and how much can you really LOVE someone who's coming at you with a speculum and giant mascara brush?? oh, and those fillings? wednesday. SOMEBODY better buy me a margarita or six after this week.

bonus news: i start spinning THIIIIIIIIS WEEEEEEK! i hope to have some pretty bangin' legs by ssil's shower in a month. i'd love to wear my riding boots and a skirt. or this one red dress i have...

what else, what else... my uncle (who is awkward, socially, but gay so i'm not creeped out by this, and who also struggles with his weight) commented that i look "very trim and tight" since the last time he saw me about a month ago! HOORAY! my sister remains about twice my size and still nowhere near as pretty as me AND will apparently not finish grad school before i do! (to "hooray" that would be mean, but i'm doing my chair dance of inappropriate glee right now.) and... i'm stretching here, but... my birthday is at the end of next week and, if patterns hold, i will have good chunk of clothing gift cards to spend when i get down to sizes i don't own yet. AWESOME.

so, to recap: i'd love to see 164 tomorrow. and then lose 5 pounds in the first two weeks of spinning so i can be under 160 for my birthday. after that, under 150 by the end of april and close to (or below) 145 by mid-to-late may. 135 or a size 8 some time this summer.

dear spinning gods:
please to let me lose weight like everyone says i will. thanks a billion.
becklette

oh, yes, lent

today marks the beginning of lent. oh, yes. lent.

every year since i can remember, my grandmother, a woman who sends off checks of $10 or $20 to various religious orders whenever whatever thing she'd asked their patron for comes true. like... she found the keys she'd asked st. anthony to help her find (dear st. anthony, please come around, something is lost and cannot be found) or i graduate from college (thanks to st. rita, patron saint of hopeless cases, of course, not that i was one class away after taking a semester off!) and still buys novenas and masses and confesses at 78, gives up whalemeat and watermelon for lent. whalemeat. and watermelon. as a child, i was required to REPORT on my lenten sacrifice every evening at dinner. my parents have since been excommunicated for attending a church that has a woman priest.

i do exactly jack shit for lent now. know why? cause i'm not catholic.

now, i think it's great that lent provides a convenient stretch of time for other people to challenge themselves, but man, that shit is FRAUGHT around here. i can't do it.

which is okay.

but easter is just six and a half weeks away, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't have a goal. dudes, i want to go to easter dinner, with my salted meat pies and lamb cakes, to dive into a pan of my grandmother-in-law's homemade pierogies, wearing size 12 pants... or smaller.

how hard can that be? i'll be 5 weeks into spinning by then. and i'll be working out with bk for... 8 weeks by then? damn. i'll be tracking my calories & nutrients. pushing my water. i can do it, right?

yesterday was better than i've been. aside from forgetting my hot dogs (if you don't know about the 45 calorie hebrew national hot dogs, you MUST go get them now.) i did okaaaay. well, not great. i also had a lindor truffle-- dark chocolate-- before my workout (78), two wedges of homemade scallion pancake before dinner (like 120) and a tiny wedge of the 8" chocolate chipper i made for my husband (50? it was tiny). not awesome. no green check. but better.

so, can i say this? i look pretty great in clothes. i mean, i know how to dress myself well, and now that i'm down to a medium top and size 14 pants, not quite noticeably huge anymore, i can pull off normal. but spring & summer are coming (aren't they??) and i might want to wear... capris. yeah, that's right, i can't even pull off capris. because my legs are enormous. or SKIRTS or DRESSES. (like that size 8 j. crew number!) i'm sure that toning up is going to help, but i have to lose 20 more pounds. the floppy bits are... well, they're really upsetting me. why am i not losing??

bless me internet, for i have sinned

it has been one week since my last shred.

FUCK. right? i know.

i'm feeling pretty defeated right about now. pretty seriously defeated. i'll shred tonight. i'll keep to my calories. i didn't even pack a lunch, though. last night i went over my calories by one glass of wine and one slice of (really crappy) instant cheesecake. peer pressure. sort of. it was just put in front of me and i ate it without question, even though i had NOT said yes to it, but of course, i also did NOT say no. um, and there was an incident with a dove milk chocolate bar in the afternoon.

i suck.

okay. focus: meet my calorie, nutrient, water & exercise goals today. do laundry.

good news-- my husband got into the car at the airport last night and asked if i'd eaten at all while he was gone. which, yes. but it's good to know i look thin to him.

calories in minus calories out

eep. the combination of the mister being out of town and my uncles being IN town led to... well, it wasn't a disaster, per se, but i had two cocktails on friday (okay, those were because i went out to dinner with a girlfriend) and a cocktail and two glasses of wine on saturday. yesterday was fine until i attempted to make last night AND tonight's dinners at once-- angel hair with olive oil and cheese, a MAJOR comfort food. i mad half a pound, tossed it with the oil and then cheesed half of it.

but i didn't put it away. so, over the course of an awful ed norton movie i, naturally, ate it all. that's a 1000 calorie dinner. and then i followed with 6 chocolates. yikes. my weekend calorieking is... not perfect. i've already logged all of today. including my first shred since wednesday. shit.

yesterday at the mall, my mom and i ate at carraba's. i got a small chicken bryan without the gd lemon-butter sauce. she got... a small of some other chicken dish. we talked about calories. you guys, i think calorieking is great. really. i love the program. but... i'm not losing. calorieking members (and the support staff) suggest decreasing your calories by 50-100 per day every week until you reach a point where you lose one to two pounds. my mom says increase my calories but don't eat back exercise cals... wouldn't that be the same as staying at this level and eating them back? i'm so fucking confused. i need to decide tomorrow when my week is up.

so. is there anything more delightful than getting a facebook friend request from a man who didn't want to *commit* to calling you his girlfriend 4 years ago to see that he is two-years married with a a baby? lovely. sometimes i forget that i'm married, too. is that weird? it was sort of whirlwindy and it almost doesn't feel real. it bugs that shit out of me that TWO of my exes got married about 50 weeks after i did. guys who literally weren't able to call me their girlfriend. kinda makes me feel, you know, like it was ME.

speaking of being married... godDAMN i want my husband to come home. like, YESTERDAY. i was hysterical last night. i made it 48 hours without him before i started to despair. this is probably super annoying, but i really, really love my husband. sure, he drives me bonkers sometimes but i ADORE him. i miss the shit out of him.

okay, and on one last unrelated note: i have a rocky relationship with my sister. very. last night i watched rachel getting married because i love anne hathaway and i'd heard it was amazing. spoiler alert-- the theme was 'sisterhood conquers all.' is it bad that i identified with the antagonist? at least, i DID until she FORGAVE THE BITCH. i'm a bad person, huh?

OH THE DRAMZ

since season 2 (or are they cycles?) of the biggest loser, i've avoided watching. for many seasons i've been getting my guilty fix from fat bridesmaid's summaries. but... she on a break. so i was forced to admit that through all the sideshow, and DRAMZ, and you'll-laugh-you'll-cry, and pregnant pauses, and strategic commercial breaks, and what the hell is that? the soundtrack from a horror movie? and blood, sweat, tears and a slo-mo fall off the treadmill... i like to watch it. it's motivating.

so, last night, i watched episode 1 on hulu. ummm, question? are they all two fucking hours? seriously, are they?

okay... moving right along to THIS big loser (and i mean that in an L on the forehead way). i shredded. i kept within all the right ranges. i feel kinda thinner and stronger. kinda. i have muscles where i never saw muscles before. i lost .2 pounds. but it's okay because that's NOT my focus. my focus is on the things i can control. food. water. activity.

but, shit, you guys. i've got a goal. i want people to not recognize me at my stepsister-in-law's wedding. people who haven't seen me since i waddled down the aisle. i want to wear a size 8 dress. may 22.

SO. i'm signed up for spinning at the end of next month. i also have to sign up for kickboxing. and i wish there were some damn weekend morning workout classes. not even yoga! i suppose i'll add wogging back in around... i dunno. april?

i'm obsessed with planning ahead. i should stop. but i can't.

shhhhhhhh...

(omfg, i saw a pretty pretty number, it needs to stick around until tuesday.)

so... who is this person i keep seeing in the mirror?

granted, i've been sick, and that always messes with my perception of myself. but my hair has gone all blah and my boobs are drooping-- yes, my 25 year old boobs!-- and i'm all soft and squishy and... dude, are my pants too big? cause my sweater definitely is.

i'm calling a halt to this whole losing-weight thing in a couple months, but my personal care needs some work. FIRST OF ALL i need to get in shape, hardcore. so as not to be squishy. by the end of this week i'm going to have to actually get up 20 minutes early (20. minutes.) to start on a little workout program. i'm going to start at 12 minutes on the stepper and 15 sit-ups a day and add 1 minute every day and 5 sit-ups every week until the end of the year. only thing is, i gotta start by the end of the week in order to reach nice, round numbers at the end of the year. and next year will be the year of fitness.

another thing, what should i do with this blog when i don't want to be hung up on the almighty SCALE anymore? i've been thinking of taking on a new blog under my real name and stuff. would you guys (if there are any of you left) come with me? please weigh in. (HA!)

open letter to my flu-like symptoms

runny nose. congestion. fever. chills. headache. body aches. sore throat.

you've made me miserable at work. you've made me sleep for twelve hours. you've turned me into a whiney little baby.

when are you going to give a girl a break, huh? stayed-the-same?? phuck you, too.

(speaking of which: wtf, wfc? trying to break my heart?)


in other news. sometimes i see myself in a mirror-- like today, sick for the first time in over a year, dressed to survive the day in comfy shoes and a plain long-sleeved tee (not black, GASP!) and i see a normal person. regular.

i had two food-centric engagements planned for this weekend, but i think i'll miss both in favor of OMG SLEEP. which also means i might be able to post some pretty numbers on tuesday for FUCKING NOVEMBER. abuh?

on the weight of a clark's nevus

question posed two weeks ago: how much do you think a clark's nevus weighs?

answer discovered this morning: -2.6 pounds

know how i figured it out? i got one removed yesterday and gained over two and a half pounds.

okay, that's not accurate. my nerves started going on friday, so i munched and ate and drank and enjoyed. saturday was spent baking and then attending a party where the food was AWFUL but the beer was plentiful. (and where i was not recognized-- owing more to the black pixie wig i wore than my size, but that was mentioned, too.) and sunday, naturally, i had to recover. and see saw iv after which the only thing i thought i could stomach was pasta with cheese-- no blood! er, sauce.

which brings us to YESTERDAY. aka: surgery day. surgery day went like this:

• 10am: two xanax
• 11am: the doctor is running AN HOUR behind. i left my xanies at home.
• 11:30am: i get called back, surprise!
• 12:00pm: i'm out and no copay-- sweet!
• 12:15pm: my heroic kid brother drops me at the wawa next door to my apartment-- the husband has taken off the past two monday's to take his grandmother to pre-op appointments for next week's total hip job.
• 12:30pm: i get home with a shorti crispy chicken sandwich with light mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion & pickles, small chips, large coke zero and a PINT of breyers oreo ice cream. (which is very airy and thus only 640 calories instead of the average 800-1000!)
• 1:30pm: it's all down the hatch and i sleep til the mister gets home.
• 5:00pm: which he does, bearing flowers and those "rainbow" cookies from 7-11 that i lurve.
• 5:15pm: i manage to throw together a meatloaf, homemade mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli.
• 6:30pm: which i follow with two glasses of wine and about an ounce of dark belgian chocolate.

will you believe me if i tell you i feel like crap today and wish i was still at home? cause i do. and my fingers seem to think i ate a saltlick.

so, we're just about 8 weeks out from december 23-- my original end date, and 9 from the end of the year. i've got 16-22 pounds to take off in that time. this can be achieved through NOT FUCKING UP, right?

seriously?

okay. i know lots of women have complexes about their bodies that they can trace back to their fathers. an i'm not just talking about weight here. i know girls who are as tall as their fathers and feel bad about it. i'm sure there are girls who are embarrassed by their boobs because of comments their fathers made about their mothers. i'm sure.


i'm not one of them.


my dad has NEVER, EVER in my life commented on my body. now, i've seen his embarrassment when my sister dressed inappropriately and i know he feels a little scrawny around his young, buff, TALL sons, but the only thing my dad has EVER said about my appearance is, "you look beautiful, sweetie." and that's because my daddy rocks. any questions?


so, why is it that his friends, business acquaintances and peers think it's okay to ask about my weight?


obviously, it happened again. the it guy at work was in and, lo, it was awkward.


i'm sitting here, minding my own business and the it guy is sitting there, working on my roommate's computer. "so," he says as he fiddles with a printer cable, "have you like, lost some weight?"


"yes." this, i've found, is the only way i'm comfortable answering that question.


"um. you look... good."


"thanks."


looooong quiet and then he started to set up my roommate's virus update stuff, so he asked me when the roommate is usually in. i tell him 9-4 three or four days a week, but if the roommate needs to do something, he should tell me because dude is 70 and hits "enter" at the end of every line of text and then insists he doesn't. it guy asks if her hears a little *ding* too. i say i can't vouch for what he hears and it guy says, "i'm sorry, this is fun, but i can't get into this. it's a little unprofessional for me to get in to petty office politics."


oh, okay. but for you to make a comment about my BODY is totally professional??


okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...


in other news, i managed to restrain myself and NOT eat everything in the world FINALLY yesterday, though i do have to admit to 3 tj's mini milk chocolate bars (190c) and a bowl of cous cous with scallions (250c) for dinner. but i was within my calories... just, sugar and carby. i like the scale again. hooray.

"i've been meaning to tell you..."

yesterday afternoon, a coworker stopped by my office to tell me she'd noticed how good i looked. it wasn't TOOOOO awkward. but then i felt like crap because i'd eaten chicken nuggets, 1/2 a black and white shake and 1/2 an order of fries for lunch. crap.

i have a planning problem. i can only plan for one contingency. like yesterday. my girlfriend came into town to meet me for lunch (she works second shift), like we do about once a week. normally we go to the teeny, fair-trade, veganish coffee shop. we each get a multi grain bagel with veggie cream cheese. she has a coffee, i have an iced cafe au lait with splenda and skim. yesterday, though, i was going to get a slice of broccoli quiche on a bed of spring mix. but they were closed. for vacation. so we headed towards the place that serves the best chicken ceasar salad in town-- i get it dry and crutonless. but they were packed. so we went to the nearest place: the small-chain burger joint. so we shared the fries and shake, but the sugar bug had me.

i tried to compensate by eating a huge bowl of tomatoes dressed with olive oil, s&p and fresh basil for dinner with a 45 calorie hebrew national hot dog for protein. i took two bites of my husband's mac & cheese, and felt fine about that. but later, i made peanut butter brownies for my fil. he's laid up after ankle surgery and my husband is taking him to a follow-up appointment right now. last week i sent him his favorite pumpkin custard. this week, peanut butter brownies. except, oh, the licks, the tastes. i went to bed with a stomachache.

lots and lots of things i can bake with only one taste (a fingertip) to make sure some part of it it right-- i tend to read measurements like "one teaspoon" and "a splash" so sometimes added flavors aren't quite right. but brownie batter? i lurve it. and peanut butter? my fave.

this morning i was rushed, but i think i made out all right:

• 3/4 cup of the fiber & flax cereal i'll never buy again (it's sweetened!), 200c
• honey-flavor 0% greek yogurt, 120c
• 1.75 oz. container of peanut butter, 300c
• celery (3 5ish" pieces), 10c
• 10 grape tomatoes, 20c
• an apple, 80c

so... okay, i guess 730 calories isn't GREAT for my up-til-dinner eating, but i've got enough food to last me the day, for sure. maybe i'll make some popcorn while i cook dinner? eh. i will if i'm hungry. if not, i'll eat a 500 calorie dinner. what. ever.

oh, hey. so this walking 1/2 marathon THING. i'm doing this training schedule with the hopes of walking this half marathon on a christmassy visit to my mother-in-law. does anyone want to, umm, i dunno, train with me??

my scale only knows two numbers

169.8

i found it hard to believe considering that i normally fluctuate and today was exactly the same as yesterday. the past several days were all the same, too: 172.0.

what-fucking-ever.

i'm having a little no-carb exchange experiment (fruit & veg are in, potatoes, grains, etc. are out) and it's going okaaaaaaaaay. maybe i need to not binge on carbs and sweets over the weekend?

i love my weight right now-- down almost seventy pounds!-- but hate my body. like... why do i have GIANT upper arms? why are my thighs so SOFT? what's up with the over-the-navel pouch? i'm beginning to panic that i might need to lose 50 more pounds to take off the last layers of fat so my skin can shrink. i read somewhere that if you lose a lot of weight, you'll need to have a much lower body fat percentage than normal to look normal. super. i'm trying to focus, though, on geting to 165 (then 145, then 135). little steps.

my husband last night as i sat, feet flat on the bed, knees bent 90*, said: "your legs are so... little." and then he giggled like a little girl.

conversations with the bossman (again)

i was quite taken aback when my boss mentioned my weight loss again today. even more so because he drew a clear comparison between MY weight and HIS weight (of 400+ pounds, i expect). i think i've mentioned before, this man in a friend of my father's whose known me since i was a tiny child. and my freaking BOSS. two very good reasons not to EVER say ANYTHING about my body. least of all that it looks "really, really good."

additionally? "keep up the good work"? i mean... really?? for all you know, dude, this is goal. the end of the line. a size 14 is pretty normal for my whole life. what makes you think i wasn't going for this??

ick.

moving right along... yesterday we went to an impromptu cook-out and i sort of threw caution to the wind. (a margarita, a cheese burger, chips, fries, corn, salad & potato salad.) a full weekend of eating outside the pan has been rough recovery. today will be better.

"how much?"

as you know, when people notice my weight loss, i tend to be vague about things. "are you losing weight?" usually gets a "seems that way" or "i do what i can" or something like that.

and that's what my husband's (much thinner than last time i saw her and eating a bunless burger) cousin got last night. and then she followed up with a whispered "how much?" and, frankly, i didn't know what to say.

when i reach my end point, i intend to have the number of pounds i lost tattooed on my hip-- i reminder of where i came from and how hard i worked so i'll never, ever, ever gain it back. ideally, that number will be 101 or even 111 (HA! can you SEE me 125 pounds??), but 91 will be acceptable, too. at that point, i think i'll be very willing to say how much i lost. i think. but currently? i'm still running a good 4-5 (okay, today it's 6) pounds into the "obese" bracket, and then another 20 overweight, and honestly, my frame is somewhat small, so at least another 10 could be done without. at THIS point? this forty-more-to-go point? do i REALLY want to tell people i've lost nearly 70 pounds?

ummm, not really. because i don't want to see the wheels turning... seventy pounds? but, she's still so FAT! how much did she weight BEFORE??

nearly 240 pounds. on a frame that's meant to hold as little as half that.

fortunately, her little boy whacked his cousing with a foam sword just then and she took off after him, so i never had to answer.