count down to goal

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

day 8? is that where i am now?

last night i spent my last calories on a 10pm quesadilla. with 1/8 of a cup of cheese, so, basically, a cheese-flavored toasted (on a pan) tortilla. it was fantastic, but, being a salty/bland carb, it could have gone very, very badly for me. it didn't and i've been rewarded with a "6" again-- finally.

i've got my new goal on the ticker, and it's for serious this time. 156. that is goal. that is about 11 pounds overweight for my height, but, um, it's probably fewer pounds over weight than i've been for more than a month in a loooooooong time. maybe ever.

besides, in five years i'll be thirty and EVERYONE will be 11 pounds overweight, right??

i'm going to go abuse my credit card at the ann taylor "best sale ever" now, so maybe i'll come back later to have, like, coherent thoughts.

edited to add:

i spent more than i'd have liked to, but really mostly that was due to s&h. $9.95, ann taylor? gap gives it to me for $6. i bought a silk shell (m) for about $15 and a coccoon sweater (m/l) for $23. i WOULD have bought a pair of jeans, a pair of capris and a few other tops yesterday, but alas they were sold out today. can i just say, i'm REALLY thrilled with ann's new outlook regarding shoes? beautiful.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

one week down

official weight for the week: 170.4. not gonna lie, i was hoping for 169.anything.

over the weekend i pulled out my senior prom dress. it's a 12, i think, and i was a solid 14 then, but i did manage to rock that size 12 scott mcclintock navy blue strapless gown. with unfortunate hair, old navy flip flops, a pink feather boa, vintage pearl-button opera gloves and a short boyfriend. but i did it.

so, anyway, back to friday, with a little schnapps in me, i decided to drag out the dress that remains THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS EVER, even though i've since worn a wedding dress, and zip that sucker up. and discovered verification the i am not shaped like i used to be shaped. it fit. it even gaped a little in the bust (whereas 7-8 years ago my boobs were SAYING HELLO to the nun chaperones) and was plenty breathable in the waist. but the hips? well, let's say that navy blue satin was given a run for its money on friday.

on saturday (saturday of baking, pizza and brownie) ANOTHER of my husband's cousins-- the PRETTY one, the one who's always been prettiest and cool and nice and funny, the one whose husband looks like a movie star and frankly so does she, the one who got married a month after me, had a baby 40 weeks later (on. the. nose.) has been making people wonder if another's on the way ever since-- told me from across the room that i was looking "mighty fine" and asked "are you trying?" i new she meant to lose weight. i pretended i didn't hear. she asked, louder, and the whole room turned to look at me. i see it as them all probably thinking i've lost 20-30 pounds because i doubt they have a concept of what -65.5 pounds really looks like. i shrugged, "ya know..." OF FUCKING COURSE I AM.

i'm sort of coming to terms with an end to this. i know my "end" is a date, but i'm really hoping for a number: 156. it's not "healthy" and it's not going to put me in a bikini (probably) but it's -80 and that's a respectable feat. it's tempting to see 156 and try for 155, then see -81 and try for -85, then see 151 and try for 150 then see 150 and go for 145... but i won't. i know that if i weigh less than 160 pounds i can wear an easy 12, and probably a 10. maybe even an 8 dress and a medium top. and maybe, just maybe, i can run without dying and swim without feeling like a whale and dance without getting out of breath. maybe.

Monday, September 28, 2009

weekend in review

oomph. we had a rough weekend. it's a whole lot of personal, though, so let's skip right to ALL THE THINGS I CONSUMED:
  • 64 ounces of coke zero (0 calories)
  • 126 ounces of club soda (0 calories)
  • 24 ounces of water (0 calories)
  • 15 cigarettes (0 calories)
  • 1.5 ounces of sour apple schnapps (150 calories)
  • 1 slice of plain pizza (250 calories)
  • buffalo dip & bread (300 calories)
  • 1 slice of pepperoni pizza (300 calories)
  • 2 slices of pizza with the cheese removed to be given to my friend's gluten-free kid who desperately wanted pizza (400 calories)
  • 3 homemade-by-me brownies (990 calories)
  • 10 homemade-my-me miniature madeleines (250 calories)
  • tj's frozen mac & cheese (300 calories)

so, actually, that's not tooooooo bad, by the numbers. it puts me at an average of 1300-1400 calories a day. except they all came from pizza and brownies. and almost all yesterday.

is anyone going to be surprised when i say i was up to 171.6 this morning??

Friday, September 25, 2009

third day & went off the plan

last night, i planned to have club soda, a savory crepe, and half a sweet crepe. i was VERY hungry when we got there (around 6:45, super late for dinner for me). so i went off the plan... with a bowl of french onion soup, but i gave the big GLOB of cheese under the surface to the man. god. damn. it was good. and well worth the, what? 200 or so calories. totally.

we had an amazing dinner, even though i didn't get pate or beer or a whole dessert. i did forget that when you split a dessert they serve each half on its own plate, so i did get a (smallish) scoop of ice cream and squirt of whipped cream. which i realize i could have not eaten, but i did.

i'm pretty irritatingly *up* to 171.4 (from 171.0) today, but i'm blaming the soup-- even at a fancy restaurant it must be salty, right?? (noooooooooooooooooooo, it COULDN'T be the ICE CREAM!)

why isn't my shiny new ticker in DAYS? i wanted it in days. oh well, 3/101 with 98 to go.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

day 2 of 101

second day, absolutely on point. better than the first, actually.

i know there's this whole "hot 100" or whatev going around where everyone's making goals for the last 100 days of the year, but i started a day early, originally planning for a 90-day burst of kickass. i GUESS i'll go through the end of the year, but i might very well call it quits (or just lose steam) around my original end date: december 23. (oooooh, i need a ticker.)

tonight the mister and i are celebrating our anniversary at our favorite restaurant: a creperie. my intentions for this evening (when it was scheduled for monday, the day BEFORE the getting-down-to-business) were to enjoy the heck out of a fancy belgian beer, a pate appetizer, a savory crepe and a sweet crepe. with a possibly after dinner limoncello (LOVE). but i think i'm going to have club soda, a savory crepe (ham, egg & roasted leek, no cheese) and half a sweet, if i can talk the man into splitting. if not, no sweet for me. the side effect is that our check will drop a good $50 ($18.5 for the pate alone, though, which i might have skipped anyway since it's $$ and he won't eat any).

tomorrow night we're planning a dinner of whole wheat pasta and homemade (already made it, in fact) bolognase, saturday i have to bake all day and then pizza for my grandfather-in-law's birthday-- there will be a 64 ounce fountain coke zero in the kitchen with me, no kidding, since i'm making lots of sweets for my brother to take when he moves out of state this weekend, for, like, ever. sunday we have a bowling party where i will drink lots of diet soda and, god help me this is my plan, avoid eating through strategic cigarettes and gum.

i'm losing this weight, goddamnit.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

one day down.

so, since i had class yesterday and we didn't go out for our anniversary, i just did my best. not in an "i'm DOING my BEST" kinda way, in an "i am doing my very best and you can't stop me!" kinda way. my favorite thing is when i hop on the scale for my daily check (to make sure i haven't ballooned up to 236 pounds in my sleep, of course) and see a number way prettier than the previous day. like 171.8. that's what doing my best gets me.

and i think i learned a valuable lesson: sometimes, doing your best means having an ounce and a half of schnapps on the rocks instead of mindlessly grazing late at night.

i'm totally not getting that job i applied for. balls.

plan for today: do my very, very best.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


a of all: 173.4

b of all: i went to my doctor-- who specializes in pretty-making medicine like laser hair remover, skin resurfacing and weight loss-- prepared to accept her endless offers of appetite suppressants.

she didn't offer.

i asked.

she declined. and i quote, "those last ten pounds are always the hardest. believe me."

ten? TEN? try forty on for size, bitch.

at home i cried. basically all night. i had a beer and a cigarette. and i cried. the mister asked me what the minimum was-- how little weight loss i could have and finally say "enough". 15 pounds, i think. 160 would put me solidly in a 12 and force me to try on every top i buy to find out if i need a medium or a large. 12 is the size i've always been-- i'll still be fat, but not FAT.

i had fantasized about getting "101" tattooed on my hip, small and placed carefully so that it would not be visible if i wore anything remotely modest. somehow, "76" doesn't have quite the same ring.

i'm tired of this. it's my third anniversary today. i started planning my great weight loss when i got home from my honeymoon. in january, i'll have spent 3 years trying to lose weight.

in january, i will accept my body the way it is. i will buy myself full-price jeans and diamond earrings and love it. i can't do this indefinitely. i won't be my mother.

Monday, September 21, 2009

still ticking


Friday, September 18, 2009

pour some sugar on me

... or just let me mainline it?

i've eaten something sweet every day this week. yesterday, two. and i'm not talking about a square of high-quality dark chocolate, i'm talking about a sticky bun so big that i don't think the center had been cooked at all; i'm talking about a decadent chocolate mousse thing with three different kinds of chocolate that cost $5.75 and was worth it; i'm talking about chocolate-covered convenience store doughnuts; i'm talking about a toasted apple-cinnamon bagel with a giant glob of cream cheese; i'm talking about the cookies that used to be good from 7-11, the sugar cookies with mini m&m's peppering the top.

last night i ate at least two of those things... plus a huge-- HUGE-- bowl of tj's high fiber cereal with melted chocolate chips. WHO DOES THAT?

(well, okay, it's wasn't that bad a choice: probably 400 calories and 200 of them fiberful.)

whoa. WHOA. what's happening to me?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

granola? trail mix?

  • 2/3 cup trader joe's fiber cereal (the one that looks like twigs)
  • 1/8 cup lightly salted roasted peanuts
  • 1 tbs semi-sweet chocolate chips

250 calories. breakfast of champions.

my anxiety is, um, through the roof lately. possibly because i applied for my dream job on friday. possibly because we're more broke than i like to be. possibly because i'm almost completely isolated. possibly because i have some bizarro form of seasonal affective disorder where the season that affects me sort of rotates... what's that you say? they call that depression? oh. possibly that.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

riddle me this

if a weight-loss blogger loses motivation and momentum, but she continues to blog about it, has she fallen off the wagon and disappeared?

i'm not gaining, but i'm not losing, either. and i'm not sure i care.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


i have no motivation.


i keep eating mostly well during the work day because a) it's easy and b) it feels good. but then at night... well, lets just say this weekend i bought 4 single-serving ben & jerry's mint chocolate cookie and a pint of h-d peanut brittle swirl (I KNOW). and my stationary bike? in addition to being out of commission-- the man says it's broken-- is suspiciously resembling a clothes hanger. well, yes, the track is still there, but no there's KIDS, if you can believe the nerve, practicing their SPORTS and their MARCHING WHILE PLAYING AWFUL MUSIC... though if that men's soccer team is back, THAT might get me back to it.


so, uh, any motivation suggestions?

oh, and 173.0. right where i was... at the beginning of last month. and probably a million months before. at least i can maintain.


b- fiber cereal, peanuts & chocolate chips (250)
l- greek yogurt & banana (225)
s- grape tomatoes (um, 25?)
d- quesadillas (500)

Monday, September 14, 2009

running behind...

i had to buy new make-up over the weekend. i'm nearly out of my brow powder (after 4+ years, which, i know, you're not supposed to do) and my drugstore face powder just hasn't been cutting it anymore. i didn't go FULL OUT (i'm thinking gel eye-liner, that fab blush-for-people-with-races the recovering actor put on me, that awesome two-part concealer system and maybe some vairety in my eyeshadow) but i do feel terribly guilty. that was my "overweight" reward, and i'm still 6-7 pounds off of that.

i think. i didn't weight myself all weekend thanks to the time of the month. oh well.

b: fiber cereal with 1/8 cup peanuts & 1 tbs chocolate chips (250)
l: greek yogurt & pretzels (175)
d: probably squash risotto (400ish)

hm... fruit? more veg? i suck at this lately.

Friday, September 11, 2009

stupid, STUPID rain!

(dude, i watched impromptu over the weekend, and that title is HYSTERICAL if you imagine early-nineties emma thompson saying it with little 19th century hair wings. or maybe that's just me.)

no, seriously, it's fucking raining AGAIN. and, as is the way with damp & cold, my broken ankle is owie. and i'm all sorts of tired. and i'm volunteering to sit at the back door of a club for 5 hours tonight. and tomorrow i got a million things to do. and... and...

(i know, right? SHUT. UP.)

in the shower this morning i thought i can lose 6.2 pounds in 2.5 weeks! i CAN! and then i realized it's ONE and a half weeks and that's less likely.

i'd really hoped to be DONE in early january-- an even three years-- but it's not happening. i'm going for my birthday in early march. sure, 3.25 years isn't as nice and round, but we're not shooting to four, so it'll have to do.

and i'll have to stop eating cookies. really.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

narrow escape

171.2. not half bad.

i think my scale is just plain wrong, though, cause i feel FAT. i feel 175-178. what's up with never noticing fluctuation until i was down like 50 pounds?? now i know that joy that is bloat, water retention and muffin top in jeans that fit YESTERDAY.

i ate 1300 calories yesterday, but at least 450 of them were nutritionally void. (unless mini m&m's have some vital nutrient in them? oooh, i bet the pretzel salt was IODIZED. score! nutrition!) i didn not work out.

today i ate a 250 calorie, high-fiber breakfast. i won't be home to munch in the evening, so i just have to brave lunch out with a girlfriend and a very quick dinner at home.

life is crazy right now. really. and i can't even say.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


i don't know what i weigh today.

i packed a greek yogurt (0%) and fiber cereal for breakfast, turkey & asiago on rye for lunch.

i meant to walk an hour and a half each day over my (mini) vacation. i didn't. but i feel rested and good. i watched/saw 6 movies. penelope & blindness were excellent. inglourious basterds was phenomenal.

i'm home tonight but ushering a show tomorrow and fire-watching for the live arts festival friday. next week starts school again.

i wasn't scared of gaining weight back. i know i won't. i KNOW. that's the one thing i KNOW.

Friday, September 04, 2009

all or nothing

why can't i seem to find some balance? the past two nights i've been so tired, i mean SO TIRED, that i haven't worked out. shit, i've barely gotten up in the morning for work. so have i failed? i hope not. am i going to weigh 165 in less than three weeks? maybe. probably not. did i need pizza and fries and cake and chips last night? no.

i'm sort of scared right now. i'm scared of a lot of things, and worried about a lot more.


i wrote a long post about all the shit i'm worried about and felt like a whiny little bitch. i've seen the man who had no feet. i know better.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


like the glorious dame judi dench in 007 movies, i am officially "m" as in, fucking MEDIUM, man!
or at least, so claims this adorable trench target delivered to me yesterday:

it can't hold a candle to my leaf-green, double-breasted, cropped trench of last year (originally purchased at lord & taylor about... 5 years ago), but it's cute and seasonally appropriate and neutral. plus it was twelve bucks.

now, the real trick will be fitting into it with a sweater in 2 months.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

a miracle

this morning, i hopped on the scale fully expecting bad news. last night did not go as planned. i need to keep mum on the reason, but i ate a LOT. i got upset, had a couple beers and ate. and ate. and smoked, and ate and fumed.

the news?


dear reader, i have not weighed so little since the seventh grade, by my best reckoning. and, reader, i don't weigh so little now.

my scale? she is mindfucking me. again. some more. next three tries gave 170.2, which is also good news. but how do i trust her again?

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

my shiny knight

last night, at 9:30, when we got home from returning my grandmother's car, after picking up ours at the mechanic, suffering through wicked suburban rush-hour traffic and mediocre tj's cold-case mac & cheese (diner classics MY ASS), he gave me a back rub, laced up his shoes, and dragged my butt out for a 1/2 hour walk.

my knight in shining nikes.

in a little while i'll go for my 20 minute "stroll" (seriously, this training schedule calls for "strolling" regularly) and tonight i'll work on some push-ups and sit-ups.

confession: i'm smoking a little bit. kinda one week (or weekend) on, one or two weeks off. i'm trying not to, but, UGH, i feel like hell.

anywaaaaaaay. obviously, i did not get to the produce stand yesterday, so lunch is tomatoes and mozz again-- no greens. but i grabbed some clementines, too.

i'm just taking it day by day here.