srsly?

154.4 today. the moral of the story is that i am not doing well. i can't seem to get it together. i don't know why. i think... all that time i thought i HAD to finish losing weight before grad school, i was probably right.

balls.

meh

saturday morning i was down to 150.4. this morning, officially, i was 152.8... not less than january 1, not less at all. the same. we ate three meals at restaurants this weekend, plus one from a convenience store and a good deal of booze. and i'm still down a reasonable about, even though the daily weigh-ins showed me that my weight was unnaturally night before.

i would have loved to have 152.0 today, but i bet there will be a tuesday drop.

lately, i feel very much like a grown up in my relationship with consumption... i'm more budget and space conscious. and my tastes are maturing. specifically, my taste in food & drink. lately i'm enjoying: root veggies, cooked greens, baby arugula, baby spinach, quail, pheasant, rabbit, venison, frou-frou cheeses, black coffee, dark chocolate and red wine.

i'm not sure if my growing-up taste if food is going to help me lose weight, but it's certainly making me feel better about me & food.

6 weeks.

progress

okay. wanna know something totally gross? i slept through the night last night and woke up with YELLOW SNOT! yellow snot is The Official Symptom Of The Beginning Of The End Of A Cold. and i haz it.

starting tuesday i've made myself nut up and eat real food, not comfort food, and drink water, not juice. it's been rough, but i'm making it. AND i'm losing weight.

i'm not sure how the weekend is going to shake out just yet, but i'm likely to have to do most of last weekend's canceled activities, plus those planned for this weekend. so, yeah, that's a lot. but i'm also going to the BNGS gym again to make the arc trainer my bitch. the goal of the arc trainer situation is to eventually get up to an hour of that and knock out like 600 calories in each workout. also to get back some lower bod & cardio strength for (another) triumphant return to running in march.

so... better. i feel better. i've done a good deal of schoolwork for the week so i can focus on 2 major assignments due on tuesday. and i'm not in a fight with my scale any more. hooray. next week's weigh in might even be-- gasp!-- less than january 1!

ballllllllllllllllllllllllllllllls

after ten days of preening over my super-human ability to avoid my husband's AWFUL cold, i came down with it on friday. just in time to ruin my weekend. of course.

oh, AND? gain back every ounce i'd lost and then some. wtf? other people lose weight when they're sick. i gain.

so, back to the drawing board. seven weeks and 15 pounds. and that won't even be goal.

calories in orange juice

long weekend challenge: lose weight AND workout while fighting a cold my husband's been down with for ten days AND fulfilling three or four social obligations. annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd: GO!

how to make your boobs look better in one easy step

okay, so at the gym on sunday, my BNGS friend (heretofore known as K) and i used weight machines. now... last time i was doing regular strength training i was using free weights (with my brother-trainer, BK) (try to keep up), but K only uses machines. so we used machines.

25 pounds felt so light on a chest fly! like nothing! i mentally patted myself on the back for retaining some muscle. the past two days, though? it hurts to fucking breath. it hurts and it's scary. my chest is tight just because my muscles are tight, but it feels like a panic attack. and you know what will make you panic for real? not being able to take a deep breath.

so i'm stretching. and drinking water. and taking advil. and going back to the gym on monday for a date with the arc trainer and 20 pounds on the fly machine. because today? my boobs look UH-MAZING. oh, yes. over-training my chest lifted, separated and enlarged the girls. LOVE. IT. not that i'm going to keep over-training. but training, for sure.

AND i paid for my spinning class today, but it doesn't start until my birthday week, so that won't get me toward my increasingly unrealistic looking goal of being at goal my my 27th (barf.) birthday.

AND my eating has been perfect for, erm, well, it's PLANNED to be perfect for two days. once i do today's eating.

my scale has not been terribly encouraging, but some of that must be the over-training, right?

four years

yesterday marked the fourth anniversary of... whatever. of me trying to lose this weight. at the time, i really expected it to take 1-1.5 years. you know, steadily losing 1.5-2 pounds a week. can we just get the maniacal laughter over with now? BWAH-hahahahah-hahaha!

my weight loss has been anything but STEADY.

but that's okay. big picture? in four years i've lost 80ish pounds. that means year five is the year of -100. of goal. of goodbye "normal" and hello "fit." (oh, yes there is a difference.)

and i've decided to kick it up a notch. i'll be 27 in 8 weeks. wellllllll, 7w, 6d. (barf.)

and i'll be 135 pounds.

officially, that's 19.4 pounds to lose, but it's really lower than that... i just haven't eaten a meal prepared at home in like two weeks. i can feel the sodium in my fingers. ANYWAY. i expect it's realistically about 16 pounds. so, just right. if i push hard.

TO THAT END:

• i went to the gym at BNGS yesterday. will be doing that once or twice a week. after four months, can i just say "OW"? i'm going to work up to 60 minutes on the arc trainer thingy. we did 10.
  
• i'm hitting up tj's for some protein, healthy quick foods and fruit tonight.
• i'm signing up for spinning with HM again, and planning to be back in shape by the time it starts in six weeks.
• i'm hoarding the $250 in loft gift cards i received for christmas so that i can buy a whole new wardrobe in march (i will probably request all clothing gift cards for my birthday as well because... duh. except i'd really like a bosu ball.)

RULES:

• count protein and calories.
• limit eating out!
• workout 3-4 times a week.
  
• water, water, water.
• BLOG
  

okay, that's nothing special, i know. but i've got my BNGS friend to work out with. i've got another friend to diet with. and i've got a husband to do both with. he's shooting for -20 (i guess that's reasonable at his size) so we'll both be at goal. no sabotage here!

the thing of it

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. riddle me this, internet:

anniversary of a trauma + husband/best friend in the universe for ever and ever amen out of town + pms + grandma's no-bake chocolate peanutbutter oatmeal bars = ??

if you guessed, "the most awkward food journal EVAH" you totally win.

the man will be home in two sleeps and the lady-related carb-and-chocolate fest should be over momentarily. today is the official end of the trauma-versary festivities. um, and eventually (later rather then sooner, please) i'll run out of the cookies.

but, mygod, self! pull it together! ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

january 1, 2011: 152.8

that sorta stings.

remember september? remember 145? remember "normal" as in "not overweight"?

me, too.

next week i'll have been on this JOURNEY (gag) for four years. four. years. and eighty-three pounds. damn. on both counts. it's taken for. ev. er. but holy hell, i've accomplished a lot.

so, i'm about eight pounds up from my low and 23 pounds from my goal.

but i'm still down 84 pounds. eighty. four. what's that, like, a seventh grader? not ME in seventh grade, i assure you, but other people, right?

i know you want a resolution, not of the "it's over, look at my hot size-six, no issues ass!" ilk, but of the "in 2011, i will lose the last 23 pounds" garden-variety new yearsy type. you've come to the right place, baby. because it 2011, i WILL lose the last 23 pounds. i will. i will. i will.

here's what i DID accomplish in 2010:

• i started grad school and finish my first term with a 4.0
• i lost, i think, like 20 pounds
• i graduated from therapy
• i got through last night with *one* minor freak-out
• we moved to a kick-ass new apartment
• i helped the love of my life get back in shape (my husband now weighs my start weight: 236 pounds. he's six foot. i'm five three.)

here's what's on deck for 2011:

• losing the last 23
  
• banging out 10 of my remaining 13 courses
• bringing my local community theater back to life
• staying sane

i'll be back here, i think. i need to get back in shape. hardcore. this helps me, even if there's nobody reading.