that summer, i met h. and we fell madly in love. we basically moved in together within the week (3 nights at his, 3 nights at mine, 1 on the phone). we didn't sleep until we were delirious with exhaustion, we ate chinese food, chubby hubby, bar fare and my best home cooking, washed down with beer, juice, snapple and soda (diet for me!) to keep ourselves awake and alert to every. little. detail. seriously, it was adorable. and i got, as they say, fat and happy, gaining another 30 pounds before we got engaged that fall. amid promises (unsolicited) that every bride loses weight without even trying, i gained 20 more while finishing college, working full time, moving us from 4 houses in 3 states to one small apartment, and planning the wedding of my mother's dreams.
through some act of god, or the patron saint of seriously fucked brides, i managed to zip up my size 14 dress. on the honeymoon, i wore size 20w jeans and xl tops. heels and skirts were officially a thing of the past. entering marriage, i realized i had already missed out on every little girl's dream; i was decidedly NOT a beautiful bride. i vowed to get my life back on track and lose weight in order to be a good wife, someday a good mother, and finally be myself again.
for three months i planned, making charts and spreadsheets and contingency plans. within 11 months i lost 21 pounds and one size, but i gained a lot of vitality. i needed less sleep, i felt less shitty in general, my eyes looked right again and i had only one chin. i also cut my smoking down to about a pack a week (from a pack and a half a day when i met h).
but in november i stalled. i've lost about 5 pounds since then, but i mostly go back and forth across a 6 or 7 pound range. i lost a lot of that vitality, too. i wasn't proud of myself. i didn't feel good about myself. in fact, i really have been hating myself. i feel weak and unlovable. and then the bells went off. this is psychological. i eat when i'm happy and when i'm sad. when i'm not controlling what i eat, i feel hopeless and eat more. so i found dr. y.
and she found the beck diet solution. and this is day 5. in a week and a half i start dieting. for now, i'm learning the behaviors that will help me keep it up. i'm going to do it this time. for serious. i've been taking my inspiration from the internet for a while now, so i decided to get in on the party. and there you have it. me: in a goddamned nutshell.
next up... why i've got to get it right this time.