count down to goal

Sunday, June 15, 2008

part two: higher education (day 4)

well, duh. i gained weight. i went from a 12/14 to an 16/18 by christmas. but i also reinvented myself. i was loud, bawdy, proud, clever and, well, beginning to be slutty. but only just beginning. after christmas break i met a boy (there was a boy the first semester, but he's of no interest), f. a boy who could do push-ups with me sitting on his back. a boy who was a total, unbelievable asshole fuckwit. a boy whose repeated dumpings and getting-back-togethers led me to starve myself, experiment with diet pills and generally go batshit crazy in order to make him want me back. i actually think the batshit-crazy part was what kept him coming back. at least a dozen times. with no regard to how fat or thin either of us was. he left school after that semester, but we stayed in touch for more than two more years.

that summer, i poured my heart and soul into weight loss. well, actually, my heart and lungs. i started taking diet pills again and took up smoking full time. i barely ate, slept whenever i wasn't working and drank a glass of wine every night for dinner. at the end of the break i bought a red dress in a size 10-- which ALMOST fit.

shockingly, returning to a diet of beer, caf food and late-night burger kings runs, i gained back some weight. and then, oh and then. just off campus i was assaulted by a student who was apparently very popular. i discovered very quickly who my real friends were, and who i was. i hid out for a month, eating junk, drinking hard and chainsmoking. then i reported the incident to the police and the badness escalated. then i hid out for three more months.

when i left to spend the summer with friends in another state, i was easily back to my starting weight. i held steady there, unable to stick to a plan-- even diet pills-- and lose weight. when i returned to school, i made up for my meekness, my fatness and my self-hate by sleeping around. and drinking. that year passed in a whirlwind of booze, cigarettes and jeans that i should have admitted were two sizes too small.

today's tbds looks easy, but i think it might be deceptive. also, yesterday's task is AWESOME. it prevented me from eating soft serve and fresh pretzels at the farmer's market and bread and cheese while i made h's dinner. i can see why people lose weight on this program even before they start to diet. i, however, appear to be about 211 today. but i think some of that is because (note: intimate details ahead, and not in a good way) i don't poop on the weekends because i have a nervous bowel and i've developed the routine of drinking my coffee at the office and then pooping. i neither drink coffee nor go to the office most weekends. so that sucks (especially since my "official" weigh day is monday.) and my fingers are all swelled up, i think maybe from the heat? but i try not to think about those things much... i feel like i'm making excuses.

stay tuned for tomorrow's post: the meet cute (part three).

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