it came back to life!

i'm having a big problem not eating... everything.

see, we just got some potentially devastating news about my husband's medical history. and i am overwhelmed. and disappointed with my body. and tired. and hating my job. and... stuff. there's stuff.

but i have my bike set up, and DUDE, it is SILENT. and not electric. now i just have to get up early in the morning to use it so husband can use it at night.

oh, and my scale came back to life! or else it's just lying to me.

what i eat

this is for anon, who asked what i eat in last post's comments...

ummmm, i eat food. that's good for you.

the end.

no, really, i ummm, i eat whatever. lately it's been skim milk & a faux-meat for breakfast, salad with light dressing for lunch, fruit for snack and dinner, sensible & measured. i'm not a dietitian, though, and you should go see one (i did)-- if you have insurance, it's probably free.

the most important things for me are protein & fiber. i try to make sure that everything i eat is a substantial source of one of those things because i don't have a great history with them. i also make sur to get a little fat every day for digestion. yes, really.

i do tend to eat most of my food at dinner, but i TRY not to. it's just that i'm not a morning person and it doesn't make sense for me to buy my lunches (financial or caloric), so i pack SUPER easy salads... i'm talking spring mix and dressing. i'm currently working on getting some protein in lunch. and i always try to get at least one veggie into dinner.

my scale died

i'll buy a new one in about 2 weeks, but i'm taking this opportunity to make sure i'm not self-sabotaging every time i get near the 160s. (because it seems like i'm doing that, doesn't it??) i have my old analog scale, so i'll weigh in on wednesdays, but today i have no clue what i weigh, so it's wogging, cycling (once the bike gets assembled) and 1200 calories a day-- heavy on the protein!

so, i'll buy a new scale in july and post my weight on the first monday.

quick wogging update

yes, i went last night.

i remembered to use my inhaler first, so my lungs didn't hate me.

my thighs seem to have remembered about this exercise thing we do and recovered remarkably fast.

now if only i hadn't eaten pizza and fries for dinner.

peas, love and happiness

i have NEVER liked peas. and that's odd, because i LOVE veggies. veggies that nobody likes, especially. i love brussels sprouts, asparagus and broccoli. i'm a pretty serious spinach fan. zucchini is my bestest friend int he whole wide world. but peas? the chinese place around the corner from my office used to know me as "without the peas" because i'd order my fried rice... well, without the peas. (now they think i'm a vegetarian because i started going there again and just getting a veggie egg roll and the lady asked if it was my diet and i said yes, thinking, like, wtf, lady, my diet is none of your business, and then i realized she's buddhist and probably a vegetarian... and huh. okay, so now i'm a vegetarian. there, anyway.)

my folks are on vacation this week so we were bequeathed their csa share and it included fresh peas in the pod. so, after putting up a small batch of marinara, two dinners worth of mashed potatoes (i make em from scratch and then freeze them in zippy bags for a fast, homemade side because i'm freaking martha stewart) and a rhubarb pie, i SHUCKED THEM. 3 pounds. and they just smelled so good i tasted one.

you know where this is headed, right? i'm madly in love with raw, local, organic peas.

i went to the track on monday and used the rain yesterday as an excuse to put off the next workout until today and of course, it's raining harder and is also cold. so... i rock that. i guess i'll go tonight. in the rain. and the cold. super. my weight is edging down toward a new this-time low and i think we can expect a small milestone sometime soon.

i'm sort of baffled by the nearness of "overweight." and i wonder how many years of my life i spent "overweight" and thinking i was a total whale. i'm also baffled by the unfairness of the who bmi thing. i mean... really? i only get 20 pounds to be "overweight"? is that because i'm so short??

i'm really trying to focus on my three BIG goals coming up: overweight (7 pounds!), "normal" (27 pounds!) and goal (37 pounds!). and i'm on track to make it to "normal" by november.

oh, dear

i've been trying to post all week. i felt it coming. i knew i needed support, reassurance, camaraderie... something. yesterday, it hit. after an appointment with my shrink, i decided i *deserved* a light frap. (140c or something?) so i got one. and a petite vanilla scone. and my lunch wasn't satisfying, so i grabbed a caprese sandwich.

i felt shitty about it and decided to eat light and fresh for dinner. instead i at a LARGE portion of pasta with butter and cheese and two slices of buttered toast. then, when my husband wanted pizza at 10pm, i okayed it. and ate a slice. with fries.

i promised myself i'd do better today. i had a slice of pizza for breakfast.

i've packed fruit for my day-- a peach, a jazz apple and some grapes. i'm bloated as hell, so water, water, water.

the absolute kicker is that i was 173.2 yesterday morning. awesome, right? NOT FOR LOOOOOOONG!

i'm taking up running. i HAVE to. i have an inhaler. it's not even remotely cold anymore and, dude, i can spend 30 minutes at the track during "chance of showers" weather, right? if there's thunder, i'll just duck under the concession/restroom area. i have a six-week program (from women's health mag) and i'm going to start signing up for every race i come across from august onward.

(a good idea would be to do this WHILE taking classes, studying for the gre's, looking for volunteer opportunities/volunteering, re-doing our apartment and trying to concurrently read a 25-book series & all the plays i own. and take up knitting and painting. HELLO, OVER EXTENSION! the good news is my office closes at 3 on fridays all summer, so i'm dedicating that time to the gre's-- which i'll be taking in december.)

busy. busy like a little bee trying to make my life do what i want it to do. and tired of being fat.

treating my body well

in two days i dropped both pounds i gained in re-entry (going to work the day after getting in from vacation at 11pm and not having any food in the house = bad idea) AND about 4.5 of the pounds i "gained" on vacation.

so, i'm about where i've been and planning to REALLY kick my own butt. we've selected a stationary bike and i'll probably order it today. plus, i stepper'd (kinda half-heartedly) last night and am planned my day carefully around a damn jewelry party (pretty things i can't afford because we're buying a stationary bike + snacks at dinner time) and japanese with my folks so i don't dive back into the swamp i just crawled out of.

and i'm doing something i've never tried before-- i'm getting a massage, not as a reward, but as ENCOURAGEMENT. i'm in pain, i have the gift certificate, i should get it, right? i don't DESERVE the pain (m-i-l has a super-soft guest bed) and i shouldn't suffer because i didn't do anything worth rewarding-- unless you count five days with the in-laws. so i'm doing it. today. before the jewelry party.


edited to add: it's BOUGHT! we cashed in credit card rewards, so it only cost us $41 out of pocket. now, i'll bet you $41 that s-i-l decides to move to florida and can't take f-i-l's hand-me-down which we ALMOST were given a few months ago (until s-i-l changed her mind, naturally). 5-10 business days for delivery!

what i did on my summer vacation

• split cheese fries and a club wrap with cole slaw at beef 'o'brady's
• light caramel frap
• mother in law's chicken parm
• passion fruit smirnoff ice (er, maybe two)
• light caramel frap & split banana chocolate chip cake
• burger & fries at gaspar's grotto in ybor city
• 1905 side salad & chicken salteada at columbia in ybor city
• romeo e julietta crepe (nutella, bananas and strawberries) at la creperia cafe in ybor city
• passion fruit smirnoff ice
• little cheeseburger (JUST one patty) and fries at five guys
• four vodka & diet cream sodas, a hot dog and a piece of cookie cake at the birthday party of a six year old i don't know whose father used to play for the st. louis cardinals (eric... something?)
• pasta and rocky road at 11pm
• jimmy dean d-lite turkey sausage, egg white at cheese
• gross nachos at the step-nephew-in-law's flag football game
• light caramel frap & cinnimon twist
• husband's FABULOUS homemade pizza, 2 beers & monkey bread
• fried zucchini, house special greek pizza & baklava tiramisu at parthenon in tarpon springs
• fried rice, spring rolls, beef & broccoli & general tso's chicken "homemade" (from bj's)
• assorted snacks, chips, bruschetta and homemade iced coffees

i gained a pound a day. not kidding at all. it's as though my mother in law is trying to make up for every meal she's not made for my husband since she moved to florida two years ago. or maybe since the divorce 12 years ago. we ate, on average, 2.5 GIANT FEASTS every day. too bad, too, because last week i was thinking i could get rid of the 16s. HA!

and, of course, yesterday was the first monday of the month (ALREADY??) so i have to post the HIDEOUS number i saw this morning... 179.8! couldn't have cut it any closer...

it's been a year and a half since i was there. mother-in-law noticed the difference right away, but step-father-in-law couldn't put his finger on it... once he did, he INSISTED on talking about it FOREVER. and then some more later. i should be grateful though-- he was less grabby than i remembered.

so, i'm gonna run and catch up with that wagon (literally--RUN!) and make-- gulp-- a goal! i'm going to weigh 145 pounds by november.