in just under two weeks, i'm going to edit the "just how fat AM i" section on the sidebar. no, i won't be CHANGING the numbers, but, for the sake of space, i'll be boiling the past year down to january '09, june '09 and january '10.
i will have lost 20 pounds this year.
that's GOOD, right? especially since they followed FIFTY in the previous two! but... it makes me nervous about next year. after dropping 30 pounds or less per year for three years, how am i gonna lose 25-35 in five or six months? AM I going to lose 20-30 pounds in 5-6 months?
dude, i have no idea. but i'm goddamn well going to try. really. really. REALLY hard.
but i'm scared. i'm terribly afraid that 2010 will end up being another year when i just barely manage to eek out a loss. i'm afraid i'll still be fat and out of shape and uncomfortable this summer. i'm afraid i won't be better. and speaking of better? i'm afraid i won't get into grad school. (dear second recommender: please submit the fucking letter. kthxbai.) i'm afraid we won't pay off the debt we need to pay off. i'm afraid we still won't be able to move to a nicer AND cheaper place in the city. i'm afraid our car will die, our guinea pig will die, my grandmother will die. i'm walking around pretty much SCARE SHITLESS is what i'm trying to say.
i'm definitely taking yoga. dr. y says it will help with my anxiety. i'm putting off long-term meds, basically. i'm trying to heal myself through exercise.