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Tuesday, December 01, 2009

grief

my uncle passed away last night. NOT the guy i call my uncle who is really my dad's cousin. my actual uncle. my dad's mentally retarded younger brother.

i don't know how i would deal with this grief if i cared. it's nothing personal, it's just... it's as if a stranger died. i haven't seen him in three years, and that's IF he came to my wedding (i don't recall). if not, it's four. before that... funerals. when we were children, he favored the boys, buying them hess trucks and letting them watch (but never touch!) his train set. the girls were useless to him. but the really weird part is that the death of this stranger has deeply affected my father, and for that i am sorry, just like when my grandfather died four years ago.

i was up all night after the call woke me. i was thinking about how callous i must be to be worry about the inconvenience. i bought LOTS of christmas presents yesterday, and now money's tight to be buying a suit jacket (husband's are too small) and a black dress or whatever (mine are... i don't know. gone? too big? awol? i have nothing to wear.)-- what kind of asshole thinks of that?

since i'm not really part of the family, i'm not concerned that people will be piling food on my counters or worrying about whether i eat. so, that's good. but i don't know when i'll workout.

in any case: 167.8 is the official start weight.

2 comments:

kelerific said...

You're not an asshole for thinking those things. My grandpa died on my vacation and I was a little perturbed at him for dying at such an inconvenient time. :) Sometimes our thoughts only make sense to ourselves.

Weighing in w/ my .02 said...

sorry to hear that your father is having a difficult time.