(sabina: my, my, my! six o'clock and the master not home yet!)
(that's the first line of the skin of our teeth by thorton wilder and damned if i can remember the rest. within a couple lines, sabina, mr. & mrs. antrbus's va-va-voom housekeeper, breaks the fourth wall and it's beautiful. that's just act 1: man vs. nature. nerd much? why, yes, please, i think i shall.)
so, not fucking up TOO badly yesterday gave me 169.8 today. back in the 160s by the skin of my teeth. like, literally, if my teeth had skin i'd be 170. about not fucking up too badly...
my husband ordered pizza and fries last night. the pizza was crap so i only ate one slice. but the fries were lovely. and my brother got 18 hours at home between bits of his job training. as hard as it was to watch him go a couple hours away last month, it's much harder to see him so several hours away until his birthday in mid-december. my computer at work crashed. my husband's halloween costume didn't fit UH-FUCKING-GAIN so now i have to make him one by saturday. i feel like a total failure with no hope of getting into grad school. i accidentally threw out my class schedule for tonight. i did my best with the limited means i have. i had a few chips, a piece of cake and a splash of schnapps. WHATEVER.
class tonight, a chocolate chip peanut crunch clif bar in my bag, very little opportunity to fuck up.
count down to goal
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
simple goals
my goal for this week:
don't. fuck. up.
it's only one week. i can make it through and not fuck it up. i can make three batches of cupcakes and not eat them. (there will be some HUGE coke zeros in my future.) i can get through this week. i can say goodbye to my kid brother again, and watch him leave for another 2 months, and not have four beers. and after this week, i can get through one more. beyond that? i dunno.
i'm feeling very trapped in the 170s. (yes, i am back in them, of course.) i want out. i want to be a little smaller, a size or two. if i could wear my 12s i might be able to stop. if i could wear 10s i'd put the brakes on SO FAST. 20 more pounds. have you ever scoffed at somebody who only needed/wanted to lost 20 pounds? "just 20 pounds? HA! if i lost 20 pounds, you wouldn't even be able to tell!" my grandmother says, "i could be anorexic for a year and nobody'd notice!" of course, we would, because every time you talk to her you spend half an hour discussing what she ate since the last time you called and then what you ate, and then what they made on the food network and then what she clipped out of a magazine for you. but still.
20 more pounds. don't fuck up THIS week. don't fuck up TODAY. don't fuck up RIGHT NOW. and then just... keep not fucking up right now.
don't. fuck. up.
it's only one week. i can make it through and not fuck it up. i can make three batches of cupcakes and not eat them. (there will be some HUGE coke zeros in my future.) i can get through this week. i can say goodbye to my kid brother again, and watch him leave for another 2 months, and not have four beers. and after this week, i can get through one more. beyond that? i dunno.
i'm feeling very trapped in the 170s. (yes, i am back in them, of course.) i want out. i want to be a little smaller, a size or two. if i could wear my 12s i might be able to stop. if i could wear 10s i'd put the brakes on SO FAST. 20 more pounds. have you ever scoffed at somebody who only needed/wanted to lost 20 pounds? "just 20 pounds? HA! if i lost 20 pounds, you wouldn't even be able to tell!" my grandmother says, "i could be anorexic for a year and nobody'd notice!" of course, we would, because every time you talk to her you spend half an hour discussing what she ate since the last time you called and then what you ate, and then what they made on the food network and then what she clipped out of a magazine for you. but still.
20 more pounds. don't fuck up THIS week. don't fuck up TODAY. don't fuck up RIGHT NOW. and then just... keep not fucking up right now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
cigarette hangover
i woke up this morning, during a very rude part of dawn, to a splitting hangover headache. from the bar i was at until 11:30 last night to see my husband's band. and the 3 cigarettes and a diet coke i had there.
i have to assume the pain in from the cigarettes, since i drink diet coke frequently.
i'm pretty proud of having had only one sip of beer in a joint where the only beverage i would guess was both safe AND tasty was bottled beer. my diet coke was gross and flat. those three cigarettes my friends bummed me probably saved me from a total meltdown (toddler-style) after i fell down the TWO shallow, carpeted steps scraping up my hands, bruising my left knee and, yes, twisting my ankle very badly. it was a rough night, and then i had to get up early.
(the band? eh. i don't care for the music.)
i did, unfortunately, indulge in 3 1/2 of those soft-baked 7-11 cookies for a stunning 700 calories. fuck.
this weekend we're probably canceling our hayride, thank god, so it should all be pretty laid back.
i have to assume the pain in from the cigarettes, since i drink diet coke frequently.
i'm pretty proud of having had only one sip of beer in a joint where the only beverage i would guess was both safe AND tasty was bottled beer. my diet coke was gross and flat. those three cigarettes my friends bummed me probably saved me from a total meltdown (toddler-style) after i fell down the TWO shallow, carpeted steps scraping up my hands, bruising my left knee and, yes, twisting my ankle very badly. it was a rough night, and then i had to get up early.
(the band? eh. i don't care for the music.)
i did, unfortunately, indulge in 3 1/2 of those soft-baked 7-11 cookies for a stunning 700 calories. fuck.
this weekend we're probably canceling our hayride, thank god, so it should all be pretty laid back.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
seriously?
okay. i know lots of women have complexes about their bodies that they can trace back to their fathers. an i'm not just talking about weight here. i know girls who are as tall as their fathers and feel bad about it. i'm sure there are girls who are embarrassed by their boobs because of comments their fathers made about their mothers. i'm sure.
i'm not one of them.
my dad has NEVER, EVER in my life commented on my body. now, i've seen his embarrassment when my sister dressed inappropriately and i know he feels a little scrawny around his young, buff, TALL sons, but the only thing my dad has EVER said about my appearance is, "you look beautiful, sweetie." and that's because my daddy rocks. any questions?
so, why is it that his friends, business acquaintances and peers think it's okay to ask about my weight?
obviously, it happened again. the it guy at work was in and, lo, it was awkward.
i'm sitting here, minding my own business and the it guy is sitting there, working on my roommate's computer. "so," he says as he fiddles with a printer cable, "have you like, lost some weight?"
"yes." this, i've found, is the only way i'm comfortable answering that question.
"um. you look... good."
"thanks."
looooong quiet and then he started to set up my roommate's virus update stuff, so he asked me when the roommate is usually in. i tell him 9-4 three or four days a week, but if the roommate needs to do something, he should tell me because dude is 70 and hits "enter" at the end of every line of text and then insists he doesn't. it guy asks if her hears a little *ding* too. i say i can't vouch for what he hears and it guy says, "i'm sorry, this is fun, but i can't get into this. it's a little unprofessional for me to get in to petty office politics."
oh, okay. but for you to make a comment about my BODY is totally professional??
okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
in other news, i managed to restrain myself and NOT eat everything in the world FINALLY yesterday, though i do have to admit to 3 tj's mini milk chocolate bars (190c) and a bowl of cous cous with scallions (250c) for dinner. but i was within my calories... just, sugar and carby. i like the scale again. hooray.
i'm not one of them.
my dad has NEVER, EVER in my life commented on my body. now, i've seen his embarrassment when my sister dressed inappropriately and i know he feels a little scrawny around his young, buff, TALL sons, but the only thing my dad has EVER said about my appearance is, "you look beautiful, sweetie." and that's because my daddy rocks. any questions?
so, why is it that his friends, business acquaintances and peers think it's okay to ask about my weight?
obviously, it happened again. the it guy at work was in and, lo, it was awkward.
i'm sitting here, minding my own business and the it guy is sitting there, working on my roommate's computer. "so," he says as he fiddles with a printer cable, "have you like, lost some weight?"
"yes." this, i've found, is the only way i'm comfortable answering that question.
"um. you look... good."
"thanks."
looooong quiet and then he started to set up my roommate's virus update stuff, so he asked me when the roommate is usually in. i tell him 9-4 three or four days a week, but if the roommate needs to do something, he should tell me because dude is 70 and hits "enter" at the end of every line of text and then insists he doesn't. it guy asks if her hears a little *ding* too. i say i can't vouch for what he hears and it guy says, "i'm sorry, this is fun, but i can't get into this. it's a little unprofessional for me to get in to petty office politics."
oh, okay. but for you to make a comment about my BODY is totally professional??
okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
in other news, i managed to restrain myself and NOT eat everything in the world FINALLY yesterday, though i do have to admit to 3 tj's mini milk chocolate bars (190c) and a bowl of cous cous with scallions (250c) for dinner. but i was within my calories... just, sugar and carby. i like the scale again. hooray.
how much do you think a clark's nevus weighs?
because that's what my suspicious mole was, so it needs to be taken OUT now, two weeks after it was taken OFF. crap.
i'm feeling less overwhelmed now, knowing that tonight's class will mean the third of 6 that make up this program over-- which is halfway-- and i won't have two classes in the same week again. also, my darling husband has cleaned the kitchen and done the laundry AND plans to clean our front living/dining/library room tonight. that leaves me with just a little baking, shopping and cleaning to do on saturday.
speaking of shopping, last night's visit to trader joe's had me playing one of THOSE girls. you know the ones who buy salad, yogurt and ice cream. the ones wearing stilettos to buy groceries. well, i was wearing kitten-heel pointies, but that's not really the point. my point is what i bought: 3 clif bars (all peanut & something flavors, and i don't recommend the peanut toffee blast or whatever), 3 larabars (trying cherry pie today!), turkey lunch meat, asiago slices, shampoo, conditioner, dish soap and mini chocolate bars. how did i become a person who doesn't eat real food?
oh well. real food or not. i'm ON the horse and not falling off this week!
edited to add: cherry pie larabar is a winner! the texture is odd, but the tartness totally overwhelms the likely "protein bar" flavor of oddness. plus, i like that larabars have a short ingredient list. these are dates, dried cherries and almonds. rock on!
i'm feeling less overwhelmed now, knowing that tonight's class will mean the third of 6 that make up this program over-- which is halfway-- and i won't have two classes in the same week again. also, my darling husband has cleaned the kitchen and done the laundry AND plans to clean our front living/dining/library room tonight. that leaves me with just a little baking, shopping and cleaning to do on saturday.
speaking of shopping, last night's visit to trader joe's had me playing one of THOSE girls. you know the ones who buy salad, yogurt and ice cream. the ones wearing stilettos to buy groceries. well, i was wearing kitten-heel pointies, but that's not really the point. my point is what i bought: 3 clif bars (all peanut & something flavors, and i don't recommend the peanut toffee blast or whatever), 3 larabars (trying cherry pie today!), turkey lunch meat, asiago slices, shampoo, conditioner, dish soap and mini chocolate bars. how did i become a person who doesn't eat real food?
oh well. real food or not. i'm ON the horse and not falling off this week!
edited to add: cherry pie larabar is a winner! the texture is odd, but the tartness totally overwhelms the likely "protein bar" flavor of oddness. plus, i like that larabars have a short ingredient list. these are dates, dried cherries and almonds. rock on!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
crap day
okay, so yesterday was a crap day. i was overwhelmed, overtired and oversalted. we were running late last night, so we grabbed a pizza. i ate about an ounce of dark chocolate and the last (unfrosted) cupcake last night and killed the reese's minis this morning (there were only two!). the rest of this week is nuts. i have class tonight and tomorrow, therapy and live music thursday, friday free and saturday we're hosting a hayride & bonfire with optional drinks at ours after.
NEXT week my brother comes home monday, i have class tuesday, drinks with an old friend thursday and a halloween party for which I THINK i'm supposed to bring a zillion cupcakes on saturday. (we're being joan of arc and an inquisitor).
i'm tired. i'm overwhelmed. i'm going to tj's this afternoon to stock up on larabars (pb cookie was acceptable as food, if not as a delicious cookie treat). there will be no more excuses. two halloweens ago i was 210 pounds (and capitalism, the man was communism). last halloween i think i was between 200 and 210 (and a st. pauli girl to his sam adams). this halloween-- party, that is-- i'll be 165. not exactly the same size of the maid of orleans, but it will be close enough.
12 days, 5.6 pounds. i can dooooo it. especially since i'd bet money 2 or 3 more will go the moment i take a break from cramming everything in my mouth. um, and that moment is now.
NEXT week my brother comes home monday, i have class tuesday, drinks with an old friend thursday and a halloween party for which I THINK i'm supposed to bring a zillion cupcakes on saturday. (we're being joan of arc and an inquisitor).
i'm tired. i'm overwhelmed. i'm going to tj's this afternoon to stock up on larabars (pb cookie was acceptable as food, if not as a delicious cookie treat). there will be no more excuses. two halloweens ago i was 210 pounds (and capitalism, the man was communism). last halloween i think i was between 200 and 210 (and a st. pauli girl to his sam adams). this halloween-- party, that is-- i'll be 165. not exactly the same size of the maid of orleans, but it will be close enough.
12 days, 5.6 pounds. i can dooooo it. especially since i'd bet money 2 or 3 more will go the moment i take a break from cramming everything in my mouth. um, and that moment is now.
Monday, October 12, 2009
okaaaaaaay, step away from the edge
whoa.
once in a while, i stumble upon something-- a thought, a facebook status, a memory, a name-- that sends me into a fit of depression. i know this. this morning it was on facebook, lots and lots of weddings. i am really good at delayed gratification, but was SO HAPPY to be getting married that i refused to consider, say, a two-year engagement. so i did school, wedding and a new job all together. i didn't lose weight. i didn't make a plan, i didn't even think about it when i registered. i don't feel good about it. but it's over.
the weekend was great and crazy and fun and indulgent. but it's over.
for my own sake i need to detail this. sorry, if it's inappropriate for this venue:
once in a while, i stumble upon something-- a thought, a facebook status, a memory, a name-- that sends me into a fit of depression. i know this. this morning it was on facebook, lots and lots of weddings. i am really good at delayed gratification, but was SO HAPPY to be getting married that i refused to consider, say, a two-year engagement. so i did school, wedding and a new job all together. i didn't lose weight. i didn't make a plan, i didn't even think about it when i registered. i don't feel good about it. but it's over.
the weekend was great and crazy and fun and indulgent. but it's over.
for my own sake i need to detail this. sorry, if it's inappropriate for this venue:
- friday: LOTS of eating. a huge, nice lunch, a quesadilla and 2 or 3 pear-champange cupcakes (unfrosted, like that matters).
- 5am saturday: 1 giant pancake and 1/2 a piece of scrapple
- 11am saturday: 2 or 3 chocolate-dipped madeleines
- 12:30ish saturday: 2 slices of homemade prosciutto & asparagus pizza, tortilla chips & salsa, tomato & cucumber salad.
- 6ish saturday: babyback ribs, mac & cheese, green bean salad, brussels sprouts with bacon, 4 harvest moons.
- 8ish saturday: 1 pear-champange cupcake (frosting removed) & two bowls of ice cream
- 8am sunday: 1/2 an english muffin with natural pb.
- 11am sunday: more with the madeleines.
- 1pm sunday: lomo saltado (on a traditional base of frozen french fries), 1/2 a papas rellenas, glass of wine & tres leches cake.
- 7pm sunday: veg fried rice.
- 9:30pm sunday: 1/2 a pint of ice cream.
i feel like complete crap. i feel like i drank noting but beer all weekend (i didn't have water ONCE). i feel like a failure and like my life is pathetic. i feel like i won't get in to grad school. i feel like i have no control.
but it's over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)