but surely

157.4 today.

stomach still screwy.

car needs a new clutch.

going to florida in september.

...

nsv: last night i threw out a lane bryant coupon because their clothes don't fit me anymore.

...

i'm not gonna lie, it took less than an hour after we booked our trip to visit the in-laws before i'd figured out how much weigh i need to lose per week until labor day in order to be 135# when we go there (september 8). that's end game. i need to pick up my exercise a bit, but i think it'll work.

...

last night on the way home from work, our car made a terrible noise. like a kid trying to slurp one more sip of chocolate milk through a straw. it made it on the highway and then it got worse as we idled at the exit. and then it went away, but we took it straight to the mechanic, anyway.

we left the mechanic around 6 (when they close), in a car we'd borrowed from my dad. halfway home i realized the i WOULD make it in time for spinning, barely. i texted e. she had a headache. i? went. anyway.

best workout. ever.

my stomach remains a terrible mess. and i'm premenstrual. and i swear to god, if i didn't have a long weekend to look forward to, i would just die.

157.8 today.

what a jerk

the my husband is down 4 of the 4.5 pounds he "gained" this weekend. i'm down... one of the four. balls. so very, very jealous of him. and proud. but mostly jealous.

my stomach is still, ah, sluggish and out of sorts, as my mother would say. and maybe i'm not being as careful as i should be with food. maybe because my tummy hurts. and i'm definitely not working out enough.

today is fresh and shiny and new, though. i've had turkey bacon and canned (lite) peaches. i'm working on my black coffee. i've got a wholesome lunch packed and dinner is ready to go. and then i spin.

:(

okay, i'm not weighing in today because... ugh. i'll tell you, it's 159.8. damn. but i'm not moving my ticker until monday.

my stomach is upset from all the weekends' indulgences. my whole BODY is upset if you want the truth. i basically feel like i got run over by a truck.

i could have danced, danced, danced...

that? was the best wedding EVER.

there was chocolate wedding cake, great music, antipasta kebobs, and homemade merlot. my husband danced with me. strangers told me they loved my style. i carried my five year old niece to bed in her flower girl dress.

i gained exactly four pounds in two days.

i'm losing them all + 1.2 this week.

get ready for 155. and some pictures as soon as my dad or my sister-in-law manages to email me some.

and there's that

156.4. i've officially lost 79.6 pounds. think i can manage to *lose* half a pound this weekend??

i could have done better... weight trained at all this week. gotten more than 3 cardio workouts in. not had a mini-binge/pity party last night. but i didn't. and even if i had, losing another 1.4 pounds would not have made david's bridal carry more boleros in store, or their pink clutch match my dress or... any number of things that would have helped me go into this event more confidently.

i am wearing a size 10 sheath dress and it looks pretty good. i will be able to walk and dance in my favorite shoes. i have gum to chew and seltzer to drink. this is gonna be a good party.

nope

156.4 means 155 tomorrow is not gonna happen. we're having pizza tonight so i can hit up david's bridal for a purse & arm-fat-hiding item. i know we could make a better quick bite choice, but my husband wants it. he's only having one piece and, well, shit. i ALWAYS only have on piece. but i might see if i can psych myself up for a grilled chicken sandwich instead.

kind of a bummer, but i'll have it in the bag by my june weigh-in. we're taking a health & fitness regrouping weekend over memorial day. we're not going anywhere, but we're taking ourselves out of society and focusing.

keeping up pace!

ah! it's 157.0 today! and i have SPINNING tonight (always good for a pound or so).

the blue dress? is OUT. i'm going to be wearing a size 10, ann taylor brown eyelet sheath/slip dress (with fuchsia underlay). and my fuchsia suede pumps. i bought this outfit when my girlfriend was pregnant with the kid she registered for kindergarten last week and have never worn it. the dress was a hit, though, when my skinny, ireland-living friend wore it during pageant festivities.

but now i need a purse, a sweater (for church) and a wrap (for dinner). bonus points for flats to be worn in between the church & dinner.

one down, three to go

157.8


(i just realized the title applies to days AND pounds. eeep. a pound a day? unlikely.)

the most generous thing to do

i try to think of what the most generous thing to do is when i'm confronted with, you know, actual human interaction. it's hard for me, but i want to be a kinder person.

today, the most generous thing to do is for ME. my official weigh-in day this week is friday. because... that number? today? it's not even close. so this week will be filled with walks, weights, lean proteins, water and produce. and i'll SPIN on wednesday.

and on friday, the scale will be singing a different tune.

(fyi: 158.8. boo.)

putting it out in the universe

look, i weigh myself every day. i do. because... well, it HELPS me. it WORKS FOR ME. and shouldn't we all use whatever tools we have?

i've been *very* consistent with food & exercise. i'm not going over my calorie limits or fat limits. i'm getting my protein and fiber in. we do at least 30 minutes a day of exercise. all the pants i tried on last night while desperately seeking memorial mass-appropriate clothes that fit were too big. my weight is dropping at a rate that, considering 3.5 years, and over 75 pounds lost, is pretty amazing.

this morning i weighed 156.6 pounds.

holymotherofgod. that is THISCLOSE to my -80. to my lowest weight since *before* high school. to another 10% off. and then to out of the 150s, a "healthy" bmi, the weight my doctor wants me at before i get knocked up (oh, about that, btw: 3 years of annual paps with hpv testing, negative margins = cancer free, so 3 years is when i can do the baby thing.), and my FREAKING GOAL.

i cannot fuck it up this weekend.

we have the memorial mass, then the luncheon, then general irish post-funeral drinking with the fam-- including my self-absorbed sibs in from out of town. sunday we have a (college) graduation party to go to. i really, really can't fuck this up. i need to focus on how good it will feel to see 155 next week and, wow, all the awesome that goes with it.

i'm going to focus on water & seltzer. i will drink a liter of each before drinking any alcohol. and i will limit my alcohol to one drink. and i will make the best possible choice in every situation. including forcing my husband to get up early and workout with me both days.

tuesday drop on wednesday

sigh.

why is it the i always reach a new low the day *after* weigh in?

i have about 10 days to meet my mini-goal of 155 (155!) and since i got a 157.0 on the scale today, it doesn't seem impossible. holy crap.

i've adjusted my rewards to show 145 as the top of my goal range. for several months now it's been 156, but, man, now that i'm thisclose to that? no. just... no. i have about 4 months to finish this and i can make it to 145 in that time. 3/4 of a pound a week.

photo let-down

hm. i promised a -75 pound photo to go with the -50 pound photo from AGES ago, didn't i? and now that i'm down 78 pounds, you all (okay, maybe just sarah) are like wtf, man? where's my photo update??

alas, it is not to be. at least, not right now. see, what had happened was... a few months ago? my camera took a shower. and it was not ideal, but we were able to take some pictures through a slightly darkened viewfinder. and then one day? totally dark. you could point that sucker at a lamp and still only get the vaguest hint of an image. so, we called the target people about our 3 year warrenty and they sent us a ups label and we pretended not to know that the camera had been bathed. but... i don't know how to use ups. so my camera & its fancy shipping label have been sitting on my desk for WEEKS.

i'm GUESSING that my dad will bring his camera to The Wedding, though, so i'll probably get a picture then? and i SWEAR TO GOD i'm sending the camera out. soon. promise.

made of win

wow. i'm beginning to think... i really *am* as thin as i was in 2003. holy shit. i dug out a few more tops from then this weekend, washed them (okay, my HUSBAND washed them) and am wearing one RIGHT. NOW. black with white horizontal stripes, boatneck, gap, medium. with the denim love of my life ann taylor loft curvy slim leg jeans. ooooh do i wish i'd bought more than one pair. but, of course, i want to be in tens soon. (!!) these jeans are made of win.

you know what's NOT made of win??

my weekend.

oh, it wasn't all *that* bad. okay, i could probably have done without the half a pitcher of margaritas. or the cheese fondue. or the chips & guac. and then there's saturday... and sunday. honestly? i don't even remember what all i ate that i probably shouldn't have. but i can't uneat it now, right?

today is back to normal. eat right. walk with my husband. drink water. lift some weights. rinse & repeat.

very close

the next several weekends are booked SOLID.

tonight we have belated cinco de mayo with friends. tomorrow we're going for a hike/picnic and i have to call ssil to plan smil's birthday party. sunday, of course, is mothers' day and i don't think we have plans since all FIVE mother-ladies (mom, mil, smil, grandmother & gmil) will receive their presents today. so, that's nice.

next weekend we have a memorial mass for my dad's cousin, followed by lunch and, in the grand irish tradition, getting blitzed with my uncles (my dad's cousin-- brother of the deceased-- and his partner). and/or maybe a rehearsal dinner for ssil... which i feel like we would know about by now, right? then sunday we have a graduation party for a friend of a friend, and i have to bake for it.

the following weekend is, of course, THE WEDDING. ssil's wedding should be fun and i hope the fact that i'll weigh some EIGHTY POUNDS less than i did at my wedding will make it even better and help me let go of some anxiety. hubs will likely be down something like 30 pounds by then, which should really make him more comfortable, too. (he's at -23.5 now. at the three-week mark.)

the weekend after that is... blissfully free? can that be right? with a holiday, too. hot damn!

and the weekend after THAT is a real doozie. june 4th is smil's 50th birthday. and my uncles are coming in to town. and my mil and her family are coming in to town. june 5th is bk's 21st birthday and smil's party, which i'm helping organize. and another friend's 30th birthday party but, seriously, we can't make it! june 6th is my youngest brother's graduation party, which is really for my parents who have had at least one child in high school, continuously, for the past 15 years-- can you imagine?

weekends are so hard. events, parties, stuff like that? really, really hard. especially when they're coming one after another after another. and then i think... i should just let loose and get back on track monday.

but i really can't do that. i'm well on track to make my goal for The Wedding (2.5 pounds to go and 2 weeks!), but weekending could really screw me. not to mention hubs who had one mild cheat day on saturday and *just* got back to where he was saturday morning yesterday!

my mantra for these weekends is going to be: you are so close! because, i AM. i'm almost -80! and right on its tail is my lowest adult weight! then i'm approaching "healthy!" and after that all that's left is GOAL. i'm so very, very close. i can't screw it up now!

rewards

so... it's been a while since i actually got myself one of the prizes i planned, like, three years ago. well, i got the massage but that was for fuck-all-i-deserve-it. lately i'm finding that my reward is being stronger. feeling better. not recognizing my own reflection. seeing the number on my scale slowly go down. hot damn.

i worked out for 1 3/4 hours yesterday. i woke up wondering WHY ON EARTH my legs hurt so much. then i moved my shoulders and remembered. the hubs & i are going for our saturday (1 hour) walk tonight. he's down 21 pounds.

who am i?

AY EM IN THE MORNING

e & i went to our hold-over spinning class this morning (5:45!) and rocked the shit out of it. sweat LITERALLY dripped off my face onto my legs more than once. it was hard. we worked hard. we kicked ass. i think hm was pretty shocked to see us there.

i? am WIRED. didn't shut up from 7 am when i woke up my husband until i arrived at work.

am totally going to become a spinning instructor. you. just. watch.


exciting update: i just realized i scheduled bk today, too. which means... another 90 minutes of exercise. omfg.

so far this year

i can't believe i've lost 10 pounds this year. isn't that funny? after 3.5 years (almost) and 77 pounds, i'm absolutely in awe of my 10 pounds in 4 months.

in any case...

the weight i want to lose by The Wedding lingers. last week's easy-peasy 4 pounds in 3.5 weeks is now a kinda tough 3.5 pounds in 2.5 weeks. doable. i just have to, ahem, DO IT.

the weight i want to lose by july and the theoretical vacation we'll take then? oh, wow. 145 is like... it might at well be 115. i've never been that thin. i don't know what i'll look like. i don't know how i'll feel. i might not ever get there.

and 135... well. second verse.

i feel decidedly back in the saddle now. i'm walking regularly and tomorrow i'm got to a spin class at 5:45 AM IN THE MORNING (redundant, i know, it was for effect). i need to work on my strength training, though. and my wogging. eating is... i think... under control.

in other news:

• tonight my mom and i are seeing a famous author/activist on a book tour. i could pretty much die i'm so excited.
• husband and i are on a VERY STRICT budget to get ourselves in financial shape before i start grad school, lose some income and incur a shitton more student loans.
• my husband just got in to grad school for fall 2011. SQUEE. and YIKES.
• my husband is down 17 pounds in under three weeks and royally pissed it's not more.

the end.