official weight for the week: 170.4. not gonna lie, i was hoping for 169.anything.
over the weekend i pulled out my senior prom dress. it's a 12, i think, and i was a solid 14 then, but i did manage to rock that size 12 scott mcclintock navy blue strapless gown. with unfortunate hair, old navy flip flops, a pink feather boa, vintage pearl-button opera gloves and a short boyfriend. but i did it.
so, anyway, back to friday, with a little schnapps in me, i decided to drag out the dress that remains THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS EVER, even though i've since worn a wedding dress, and zip that sucker up. and discovered verification the i am not shaped like i used to be shaped. it fit. it even gaped a little in the bust (whereas 7-8 years ago my boobs were SAYING HELLO to the nun chaperones) and was plenty breathable in the waist. but the hips? well, let's say that navy blue satin was given a run for its money on friday.
on saturday (saturday of baking, pizza and brownie) ANOTHER of my husband's cousins-- the PRETTY one, the one who's always been prettiest and cool and nice and funny, the one whose husband looks like a movie star and frankly so does she, the one who got married a month after me, had a baby 40 weeks later (on. the. nose.) has been making people wonder if another's on the way ever since-- told me from across the room that i was looking "mighty fine" and asked "are you trying?" i new she meant to lose weight. i pretended i didn't hear. she asked, louder, and the whole room turned to look at me. i see it as them all probably thinking i've lost 20-30 pounds because i doubt they have a concept of what -65.5 pounds really looks like. i shrugged, "ya know..." OF FUCKING COURSE I AM.
i'm sort of coming to terms with an end to this. i know my "end" is a date, but i'm really hoping for a number: 156. it's not "healthy" and it's not going to put me in a bikini (probably) but it's -80 and that's a respectable feat. it's tempting to see 156 and try for 155, then see -81 and try for -85, then see 151 and try for 150 then see 150 and go for 145... but i won't. i know that if i weigh less than 160 pounds i can wear an easy 12, and probably a 10. maybe even an 8 dress and a medium top. and maybe, just maybe, i can run without dying and swim without feeling like a whale and dance without getting out of breath. maybe.