count down to goal

Thursday, June 03, 2010

losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.


154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.


Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

This "jealousy" problem has been an issue for me lately too. My Mom pretends she isn't, but all of her negative comments definitely tell a different story. Friendships are changing too & its hard. But like you, I want to be "not fat" more than I want to appease them. I figure real friends will eventually adjust.

becklette said...

hey julie! my mom is a master at underhanded comments and "compliments". i know it must be pretty tough on my not-entirely-fit friends to see me go from The Fat One to The Hot/Fit One while they don't. i have sympathy, but... i guess not enough to sabotage myself for them. i think that's good.