i'm awesome

okay, so today is supposed to be a rest day, but since i didn't DO anything to rest FROM, it's going to be a half-hour walk day. (seriously, i don't need TWO rest days in a week when i walk a total of two hours and forty minutes.)

i packed a pretty good day:

• fiber & flax cereal, 200c
• tomato & fresh mozzarella salad, 300c
• greek yogurt, 120c

yeah, not great, i know. some fruit wouldn't kill me (or is it veg i need here? what do tomatoes COUNT as, REALLY?) and i would have preferred an egg for breakfast, but we haven't been to the produce stand and i ran late this morning. i'm REALLY excited about the fresh mozz balls packed in lightly salted water from tj's. the serving size is 3 balls for 60 calories, but the important thing is that i don't have a food scale, so i can't just weigh out an ounce like most kinds want you to. so, hooray. i'll have caprese again tomorrow, probably on a bed of spring mix and with heirloom tomatoes. nom. wednesday could go either way, and thursday and friday should be chicken salad.

as for dinners... i have no idea.

as for the rest of life... i'm working on it.

perfectionist

i'm a little bit of a perfectionist (sometimes). one of the things i'm REALLY anal about things that i've baked to give away. those pb brownies? i screwed up when i was cutting them so i ended up with lots of end bits and trimmed pieces. i wrapped them in foil for my husband.

i ate them, obviously. well, some of them. eventually, i made a wholesome dinner and tossed the rest before i could consider dessert (AGAIN). oh, and i didn't eat my yogurt & apple yesterday-- just not hungry-- so at least i saved 200 calories. which i then consumed in nutrition-free form. gah.

today was another rush job:

• 3/8 cup fiber & flax cereal, 100c
• honey flavored greek yogurt, 120c
• 12 grape tomatoes, 25c
• egg salad (2 eggs, 1/2 tbs mayo, mustard), 225c
• celery, 15c? i forget

dinner at my grandma's favorite local italian place will likely be a side of gnocchi and a caeser salad. halfathon training starts monday! i need a poncho...

"i've been meaning to tell you..."

yesterday afternoon, a coworker stopped by my office to tell me she'd noticed how good i looked. it wasn't TOOOOO awkward. but then i felt like crap because i'd eaten chicken nuggets, 1/2 a black and white shake and 1/2 an order of fries for lunch. crap.

i have a planning problem. i can only plan for one contingency. like yesterday. my girlfriend came into town to meet me for lunch (she works second shift), like we do about once a week. normally we go to the teeny, fair-trade, veganish coffee shop. we each get a multi grain bagel with veggie cream cheese. she has a coffee, i have an iced cafe au lait with splenda and skim. yesterday, though, i was going to get a slice of broccoli quiche on a bed of spring mix. but they were closed. for vacation. so we headed towards the place that serves the best chicken ceasar salad in town-- i get it dry and crutonless. but they were packed. so we went to the nearest place: the small-chain burger joint. so we shared the fries and shake, but the sugar bug had me.

i tried to compensate by eating a huge bowl of tomatoes dressed with olive oil, s&p and fresh basil for dinner with a 45 calorie hebrew national hot dog for protein. i took two bites of my husband's mac & cheese, and felt fine about that. but later, i made peanut butter brownies for my fil. he's laid up after ankle surgery and my husband is taking him to a follow-up appointment right now. last week i sent him his favorite pumpkin custard. this week, peanut butter brownies. except, oh, the licks, the tastes. i went to bed with a stomachache.

lots and lots of things i can bake with only one taste (a fingertip) to make sure some part of it it right-- i tend to read measurements like "one teaspoon" and "a splash" so sometimes added flavors aren't quite right. but brownie batter? i lurve it. and peanut butter? my fave.

this morning i was rushed, but i think i made out all right:

• 3/4 cup of the fiber & flax cereal i'll never buy again (it's sweetened!), 200c
• honey-flavor 0% greek yogurt, 120c
• 1.75 oz. container of peanut butter, 300c
• celery (3 5ish" pieces), 10c
• 10 grape tomatoes, 20c
• an apple, 80c

so... okay, i guess 730 calories isn't GREAT for my up-til-dinner eating, but i've got enough food to last me the day, for sure. maybe i'll make some popcorn while i cook dinner? eh. i will if i'm hungry. if not, i'll eat a 500 calorie dinner. what. ever.

oh, hey. so this walking 1/2 marathon THING. i'm doing this training schedule with the hopes of walking this half marathon on a christmassy visit to my mother-in-law. does anyone want to, umm, i dunno, train with me??

oh shit

i think i'm going to do a training program to WALK a half-marathon. now, to find a walking-friendly half to sign up for -- late november, early december?

back-on-track-drop

i love that feeling in the first couple of days back on track after a week (or two) way off. the part where you drop two pounds in two days by doing practically nothing.

sooooo...

i suck at this. but i'm making progress. i got m&ms at the craft store last night (i also got a 12-pack of gel food dye! and molds for chocolate dessert shells! and a cookie dough scooper!) but split them with my husband. i got chicken nuggets (instead of the cheeseburger salad) for dinner, but no fries or shake! and later, when i was hungry, i had a scrambled egg and a strawberry.

if i don't keep going now, i'm afraid i'll gain it back. or i'll never finish. but i feel like crap.

miss universe

for september 22, 2009: 165 pounds.

yesterday: i miscalculated my calories and ended up over goal by 90. and they were from one of those single-serving tubs of ben & jerry's. yum. the spoon it comes with is like eating ice cream off a thumbnail-- it's really that little. but i did go on a 30 minute walk.

today i had tot be at work early, so i grabbed some of the new tj's flax cereal i bought. it was sweetened. bummer. on to greek yogurt, chicken salad salad, tomatoes and dinner tbd.

in other news...

the competitor from venezuela won the miss universe contest AGAIN this year.


shortly after my grandfather died, i started spending a lot of nights at my grandmother's house-- i did up until i moved in with my husband about 3 1/4 years ago. i remember one night, about ten years ago, watching the miss universe pageant. miss venezuela was, as always (as they all are), stunningly beautiful.


"you could have a cute little figure like that miss venezuela," my grandmother told me, as we munched on our pretzels and ice cream.


i doubt, at the time, that i weighed more than 150 pounds. but, naturally, i felt HUMONGOUS. those women weight much less than me and were all at least 4 inches taller. i felt like a beast.


i still feel like a beast some times. i know my grandmother is thrilled with my weight loss-- we are italian, though, so that's balanced with an insistance that i need to eat more-- but i still couldn't fit into her wedding dress.


on sunday, at my parents' house, she rubbed her (considerable, but hey, she's nearing eighty!) abdomen and announced, "i gotta get rid of this BELLY. how'd you do it?" ummm, diet and exercise. and tight, high-waisted jeans, it's like wearing a girdle.

aaaaaaaaaaand we're back

i forgot weigh-ins are on tuesday now. so, tomorrow you get the bad news.

in four weeks i'll have been married for THREE YEARS. i'm 25. is that weird? it FEELS weird.

i'm going low on carbs-- basically avoiding having more than one or two servings of carb exchanges a day and making sure there's protein and/or fiber in serious amounts at every meal. that works for me. water, coffee and club soda are my only beverages and i WILL get back to the track.

i think my goal is to weigh 164 on my anniversary. that will be revised based on tomorrows numbers, of course.

well, lookee here

last night i got my subscription to self in my mailbox, and there was some stupid quiz about your motivation style or something.

i got mostly a's which means i'm deadline-oriented.

oh, hey, look what's four weeks from tuesday: my wedding anniversary.

i think i'll weigh 8 pounds less then than i do on monday. how does that sound?

do i need to?

the short answer is yes. yes, i do need to do all the frivolous stuff listed below (the long meal prep once a week, the oktoberfest party, the hayride) because it's what makes me HAPPY.

i suffer from depression which i've chosen to take on without the aid of pharmies. i know this is my choice and i can change my mind whenever i want. but when i spend days and days baking like i just did, or cook an unreasonably complicated meal, i feel alive-- and that doesn't freak me out. (unlike the aliveness i feel after, say, working out or having sex.) it calms me. i suppose if i had a garden i could work with my hands while getting a little sweaty and not be left with a big pile of delicious food at the end but... i don't. besides, i am PASSIONATE about food. not that i love to eat-- oh, but i do-- i love to create something that makes other people happy. on monday i didn't eat one bite of creamcicle cupcake, but i watched while my husband's uncles and cousins devoured almost two dozen. and i laughed.

i feel really unconnected to a lot of things right now-- my work, my weight loss, my long-term plans-- but i know this is a phase and (this is what i learned from college) when it passes? i'll want to have kept up.

i'm absolving myself of weight loss efforts for the rest of the week. no, i'm not going all last-supper and shit, i'm just being REGULAR. come monday, i'll have a plan worked out and prepared. i might not blog tomorrow, but i'll be here monday. i promise. with bells on.

overbooked and the case for mediums

this fall i will be spending 14 evenings and 2 8-hours days in class. i will also volunteer 3-5 times for a full (long) night at a local theater festival. i will study for the graduate record exams, bake weekly, cook a real meal that takes hours and hours weekly, visit friends i haven't seen in over a year, host a hayride & bonfire, host a small oktoberfest party, attend a beer-tasting, celebrate our third anniversary and keep my apartment in order.

but will i lose 20 pounds?

... ... ...

it's been freezing in my office lately due to the new tenants and their hot flashes. this morning, wearing my new white sandals, i pulled out a white old navy blazer, size large, from easter about five years ago. it fit. easily. it was roomy. two of the gap tops i bought at the outlets (the same blousey thing in two sizes) look like painters' smocks.

i'm still squeezing into my 14 jeans, though.

i don't even know what i WANT to do. i've overbooked myself AGAIN.

what will it take?

so, i started doing this-- i mean REALLY doing this-- on january 8, 2007. let me tell you about that...

on my honeymoon in september of 2006 i wore size 20w jeans. and flats. NO heels, NO skirts and my red bikini for about a hot second. when i got home? and suddenly the stress of planning the wedding was gone? and my diploma arrived in the mail? it was like, oh, HEY, when did i get THIS fat?

so i had this pre-cognition phase were i calendared and planned and thought about losing weight for about two months. i chose that date because it was a monday after new year's and NOT new year's day, because, whoa, what an awful day to try and start a diet!

i feel like i'm at a loss now. i'd had some pretty high hopes of being DONE by something like january 4, 2010. those hopes? are more or less dashed now. i feel sort of adrift. i'm afraid this is going to be another 10-month plateau. and i can't figure out what it will take to get me back on track.

my scale works

(i know because i gained 6 pounds this weekend-- HOORAY!)

so, truthfully, this weekend wasn't exactly everything i'd dreamed it would be. i spent saturday morning making shortbread for my dad's birthday present and two of the five batches need to be re-done. which means two of the fave batches are sitting in my kitchen, perfectly good but not PERFECT, waiting to be eaten. then a long drive to the shore where we went directly to the restaurant where my family was having dinner and i discovered i had a very nice visitor a fucking week early. i proceeded to eat the most amazing meal of my life: a glass of chimay white, a buffalo mozzarella salad, penne and prosciutto in a light cream sauce with tomatoes and kahlua ice cream. sunday was a hurry-up and wait deal, until we went ot the boringest party EVER where i had 2 beers and too much pasta. then i stormed the outlets and spend $100 in less than an hour on 4 shirts (two of which are so big they look like painters smocks) and a pair of shoes that are slightly imperfect and if i'd realized it i'd have gotten a damn discount.

i feel generally crappy today-- bummed that i didn't walk this morning, bummed that i ate shortbread for breakfast, bummed that i spend money on stuff i'm not thrilled with... ugh. i don't know when i'll really get to recharge.

burned. out.

i'm pretty much dead right now. i'm hoping a light weekend of cleaning, going to a fancy dinner with my family, laying on the beach for a hot second, a family reunion and some outlet shopping with be the re-charge i need.

i DID ace my final-- and the class.

seriously

i'm in a fight with my scale. at this point, i would love a 170.0-- just to prove it's not just being lazy.

in other news:

• i *HEART* fall. and i want to buy alllllllllll the fall clothes.
• i *HEART* a good deal, so i want to buy alllllllll the summer clothes.
• it's time to plan christmas cookies again. oh, how i'd like to be "healthy" by then

i think i aced my accounting final.

macronutrients

so, seriously, my husband has no clue about nutrition. you'd think something would rub off, maybe, after nearly three years of THIS from me, but no. after a loooooooong discussion about how i ate almost every protein food i like yesterday (chicken salad, an egg, greek yogurt, a cheeseburger patty) i told him i was hungry. his suggestion? popcorn.

why does my scale still say 169.8?? is it broken?

my scale only knows two numbers

169.8

i found it hard to believe considering that i normally fluctuate and today was exactly the same as yesterday. the past several days were all the same, too: 172.0.

what-fucking-ever.

i'm having a little no-carb exchange experiment (fruit & veg are in, potatoes, grains, etc. are out) and it's going okaaaaaaaaay. maybe i need to not binge on carbs and sweets over the weekend?

i love my weight right now-- down almost seventy pounds!-- but hate my body. like... why do i have GIANT upper arms? why are my thighs so SOFT? what's up with the over-the-navel pouch? i'm beginning to panic that i might need to lose 50 more pounds to take off the last layers of fat so my skin can shrink. i read somewhere that if you lose a lot of weight, you'll need to have a much lower body fat percentage than normal to look normal. super. i'm trying to focus, though, on geting to 165 (then 145, then 135). little steps.

my husband last night as i sat, feet flat on the bed, knees bent 90*, said: "your legs are so... little." and then he giggled like a little girl.

sharing

yesterday, a coworker of my husband's brought him three pints of homemade-- yes, HOMEMADE-- gelato. she & her husband have a side business making the creamy, frozen nectar of the gods. do i want to be her best friend? you bet.

i'm not going to lie to you. we cracked open the chocolate creme when we walked in the door, just for two bites, just to taste it. then all three (chocolate creme, mint chocolate chip and mocha espresso) went in the freezer and he set to work finishing the cleaning and i set to work making dinner for our guest.

after she went home, i cleaned up everything (HIS. JOB.) while he ate about 3/4 of the chocolate creme. after i finished, i got the pint out, went into the living room, sat next to him and started in, not planning on finishing it, taking small bites to savor the magical flavor of real whipped cream and homemade fudge sauce spun together into this innocuous-looking, pale beige ice cream. as i lifted the second bit to my mouth, he opened his, "can i have some?"

of course i played his little one for you/one for me game for about three bites before i realized this makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to stay in control. sharing food had always been one of our *things*-- one plate of pasta for dinner, passing take-out cartons back and forth, often just one fork. but it makes me greedy. if i make pasta and put two thirds on one plat and one third on the other, i can sit and savor and ENJOY my food. if we share, i feel compelled to keep up (one for me, two for him) or he'll eat it all.

that gelato? is was orgasmic. after the few shared bites i walked away, hung up my laundry and brushed my teeth. i returned to the bottom of the pint exposed. "that's all you," he said, "sorry i almost housed it."

i wanted to scream. SORRY?! why didn't you just NOT DO IT? why can't i have ANYTHING that you don't take some of? why do you say you're not hungry until i make/get food and then eat most of it?? why when i tell you that i intend to spend my next bonus after goal on clothes do you balk and pout for a share?? but i didn't. everybody's got their stuff and he doesn't need me being a brat about his.

i put it in the freezer and may eat it this afternoon when i'm home before him. or i may not. i just can't share food with him any more.


(note: i do love my husband to itty-bitty pieces and he's really NOT a jerk. he's just... weird.)

hmmmm, dresses...

have i mentioned that my stepsister-in-law is getting married in 41 weeks? (er... give or take.) and that i looked like a cow at my wedding, and feel VERY STRONGLY about certain etiquette rules (no black at weddings UNLESS it's black tie), and that i'd like to look amazing at someones wedding, and that, frankly, i don't get invited to many and probably WON'T get invited to many?

well, yes. that's happening.

and i'm currently obsessing over clothes (as you know) and have fallen in love with the following j. crew dresses:

cecilia, in mediterranean blue, which is a very good color for me

don't remember her name, in spiced wine (but i think it's more of a magenta) and i would do MUCH better things with my hair

don't remember her name, but i ADORE the vintage blue

sophia, my wedding dress, short, in vintage blue

i kinda hate strapless dresses as the go-to for weddings, but in this color? i'd wear sackcloth and feel like a goddess, plus i love the pintucked hem

well, SURE, i suppose you could say i'm obsessed with j. crew. it's probably true. i love j. crew like i love ann taylor. i can't wait to not feel like a monster going into those stores. (though i'll still shop mainly online, i'm sure, once i know my sizes there, cause of the BARGAINS.)

so, which dress do you think?

and: is it totally sick to buy it now (or soon, like when it goes on sale) in an 8 for a may wedding? i expect to be able to wear an 8 dress in roughly 25-30 pounds... i can *almost* pull off a 10 (i have an eeny-tiny waist) right now.

thoughts?

and in addition... my boss. yes. he sounds creepy. i feel very uncomfortable here of late. i look forward to my great escape. which should be happening in, oh, summer 2011?

conversations with the bossman (again)

i was quite taken aback when my boss mentioned my weight loss again today. even more so because he drew a clear comparison between MY weight and HIS weight (of 400+ pounds, i expect). i think i've mentioned before, this man in a friend of my father's whose known me since i was a tiny child. and my freaking BOSS. two very good reasons not to EVER say ANYTHING about my body. least of all that it looks "really, really good."

additionally? "keep up the good work"? i mean... really?? for all you know, dude, this is goal. the end of the line. a size 14 is pretty normal for my whole life. what makes you think i wasn't going for this??

ick.

moving right along... yesterday we went to an impromptu cook-out and i sort of threw caution to the wind. (a margarita, a cheese burger, chips, fries, corn, salad & potato salad.) a full weekend of eating outside the pan has been rough recovery. today will be better.

in lieu of talking about THAT NUMBER

i spend a lot of time thinking about how i will dress when i'm thin. A LOT. i do this thing i call "imaginary shopping" where i keep a running cart (or bag, depending on the store) of clothes in a size 10/m and stores i love like ann taylor, loft, gap, banana republic, j. crew... i could go on. but instead, i'll show you my current obsession:

this beautiful suiting dress from j. crew pretty well exemplifies what i want my daily attire to be. well-fitted basics accessorized with fabulous shoes, wild details and omfg COLOR.

for now, i'm a jeans and barely-above-a-tee girl, but that's on its way out, i promise.

wonderful weekend

WOW did i eat this weekend. i mean, WOW.

i ate a LOT. and all so good. tons and tons of food-- sugary, carby, salty food. on friday night, my fingers swelled so badly i took off my rings in my sleep. saturday was spent sweltering in dc and walking around the library of congress. then more food. and more.

it was wonderful.

today, i'm back into routine. oddly enough, i'm not showing much of a gain today. i'm thinking maybe the long walk burned some calories? or my (minimal) restraint means i didn't consume as much as i thought i was? i didn't drink much, but i felt painfully full on a couple of occasions.

water, water, water.

now i'm going to be SUPER busy for the next several days-- and then FAIRLY busy for the next 3 months or so as i step up my volunteering, my education and my gre prep for applying to grad school in the fall. oddly enough, i think i need some black & white rules to get me through these next few months to come out a fitter, happier person. still working on that.