do i need to?

the short answer is yes. yes, i do need to do all the frivolous stuff listed below (the long meal prep once a week, the oktoberfest party, the hayride) because it's what makes me HAPPY.

i suffer from depression which i've chosen to take on without the aid of pharmies. i know this is my choice and i can change my mind whenever i want. but when i spend days and days baking like i just did, or cook an unreasonably complicated meal, i feel alive-- and that doesn't freak me out. (unlike the aliveness i feel after, say, working out or having sex.) it calms me. i suppose if i had a garden i could work with my hands while getting a little sweaty and not be left with a big pile of delicious food at the end but... i don't. besides, i am PASSIONATE about food. not that i love to eat-- oh, but i do-- i love to create something that makes other people happy. on monday i didn't eat one bite of creamcicle cupcake, but i watched while my husband's uncles and cousins devoured almost two dozen. and i laughed.

i feel really unconnected to a lot of things right now-- my work, my weight loss, my long-term plans-- but i know this is a phase and (this is what i learned from college) when it passes? i'll want to have kept up.

i'm absolving myself of weight loss efforts for the rest of the week. no, i'm not going all last-supper and shit, i'm just being REGULAR. come monday, i'll have a plan worked out and prepared. i might not blog tomorrow, but i'll be here monday. i promise. with bells on.