holding out

i'm still on track. it's been a hell of a week, but i'm still on track. except i didn't do weights last night.

(151.2 today.)

tonight, we're having a regular dinner at home-- grilled pork chops and sugar snap peas-- and i'm baking a chocolate cheesecake with peanut butter cookie crust for my husband's birthday. tomorrow we're going out with his dad and stepmom. we're hoping for japanese, or else i have to check out bertucci's. friday is the birthday dinner with my parents and brothers: panko crusted, baked chicken parm and the cheesecake. cheesecake disposal plan is to cut the leftovers in half, sending half home with my brothers and slicing & freezing the other half. saturday is our friends' barbecue, to which i'm bringing veggies & greek yogurt ranch dip.

anyway. still plugging along.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

just like odysseus

last night i resisted the siren song of ice cream, beer and my bed. we took a walk. we spent, seriously, HOURS debating the merits of various birthday-dessert options. i was rewarded with a drop to 151.4. goal for monday remains 150.4. one pound.

i'm pretty sure it can be done.

today's food is all planned out (sprouted grain toast with butter, coffee, cucumber, whole wheat pasta with light dressing, kiwifruit with skin, grilled chicken, corn on the cob, beer OR ice cream) and workouts agreed upon (bodyweight resistance & a walk).

and that's about all there is to report.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

round numbers

i've lost 84 pounds. my husband has lost 49. we're both looking at getting to our milestone this week. i LOVE having a partner.

he'll be 28 on friday. i'm making chicken parm from scratch and a chocolate cheesecake topped with banana cake, chocolate ganache and peanut butter drizzle with a nutter butter crust. i still haven't gotten him a gift. i don't even know what to get him. not new clothes because a) that's not a present, it's something he needs, b) we just enjoyed the old gravy 30% off sale yesterday and c) i just did a whole load of clothes that fit him again!

so... puerto rico! two weeks! two pounds! actually, this week i'm shooting for 150.4. i'm planning on being UNDER 150 when we leave. and maintaining while we're there. i've packed my lunches. we've planned out all of our dinners for the week and committed to walking together every. night. and i'll do two body-weight workouts and a full weight workout. will.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

happy birthday, robert!

saw a friend from college in company last night. the actress playing joanne ("here's to the ladies who lunch") is battling cancer and at intermission there was an acs fundraiser... buy a slice of bobby's birthday cake. mmmmmmm. birthday cake. you can pretty much buy my love with a birthday cake.

after the show-- at about 11:45-- the friend and her husband came over for a drink. we had some tortilla chips and my favorite new gin cocktails. obvs, am up to 154.4 today. and i got my goddamn period.

my husband decided that he would pick up the old ladies himself, then com home to shower and THEN we'd go to the party (at about 6:30) so we're eating a sensible dinner at home. thank god. we will not eat at the party. at all. we're good at absolutes. i think this week might still turn out okay.

eh

153.0 again. pizza for dinner. slept instead of working out. today's all over the place. highly anxious about tomorrow.

eh.

the incident

what do you get when a stress-out girl doesn't eat enough lunch then gets home to find her camera returned unfixed, no, we're just not gonna do it, thanks for buying the service plan though! and her stressed out husband goes out after a calorie-dense dinner and she sits down to watch a fluffy rom-com* alone?

an incident involving peanut butter chips. 1/4 cup of them. four servings. 320 calories worth.

they were calories i had to work with, but... damn. i could have done so much more with them. oh well, right?

i'm not sure where i stand food-wise today. i packed pb & j for lunch, breakfast was the usual (turkey bacon and toast) plus raspberries. i have an apple and a kiwi for snacks plus a fruit-leather type bar thing. i'll try to ensure there's a veggie on my pizza tonight.

exercise-wise, i'm planning on walking with the mister AFTER dark because, DAMN but it's 95* again! i'm also going to do the lower body & abs parts of my body-weight resistance circuit. but... my boob/armpit region is still KILLING me from the addition of push-ups on tuesday. so what do i do? skip them? i dunno. undecided.

weight today was 152.8, which is great. i'm practically jumping for joy.

i'm really ticked about this graduation party we have to go to on saturday. we offered to take my husband's grandmother's cousin (whom we've never met) to doctor's appointments once in a while. it's a long, sad story of her nephew demanding that she pay him hundreds of dollars to do things like deposit her social security check and pick up her prescriptions. now, when the offer was made it was strictly for doctor's appointments and understood that they would be in her area and all on one day/infrequent. she lives and hour away. so on saturday? we are driving there, picking her up, driving back, going to this godforsaken EIGHTH GRADE graduation party, driving her home and then coming home. that makes this 4.5 hour party and 8 hour (plus) time commitment for us. and the food is not likely to be healthy.



*TiMER doesn't suck as bad at it ought to... possibly because of my undying devotion to emma caulfield, possibly because desmond harrington is on dexter, possibly because i'm really good at suspending my disbelief and once you get past the INCREDIBLY STUPID and totally implausible set up, it's quite a charming little love story. and sisterhood didn't conquer all, though it was touch-and-go for a minute there.

and for my next trick...

i cannot explain my weight today: 153. well. did wishing make it so? did... i dunno, a lack of sodium? three liters of water? was it that i had a beer and 1/3 of a brownie instead of my usual light ice cream? was it the (AWESOME) body weight-resistance workout i did? the walk? was it that i had a salad for lunch?

so, 153. that's good news.

i don't feel much better (in my head) but... well, working out with my husband is pretty therapeutic. shopping for my tropical vacation is, too. i'm beginning to fear christmas because... what if she comes? i don't want her to ruin my family christmas! but that's not fair, i know, because MY family, whom she hasn't seen at christmas in four years, they're her family, too. i suppose even I'M her family. but, in a way i can't really articulate, she's not mine.

we're still dealing with leftover ingredients from fathers' day, so dinner tonight is going to be frozen pierogies topped with bacon and carmelized onions. healthy, no? but don't worry, my work-food (snacks & lunch) is an apple, a kiwifruit, 6 oz. of cucumber slices, 6 oz. of baby carrots and 6 oz. of green pepper with 1/4 cup of hummus. for breakfast i had complete protein bread (toasted) with butter, 2 slices of turkey bacon and raspberries.

i think there are a couple new plans in town:

1. tuesdays & thursdays i'll be doing my body weight-resistance workout comprised of wall sits (3 @ 1:00 for now), bridges (3 @ 1:00), "jumpies" which probably have a serious name like... squat jumps or something (3 sets of 15), sit-ups (3 sets of 25) and push-ups (just added back into my routine, so 3 sets of 10). saturdays i'll do my full, serious, weight training workout.
2. each week i will make a weight loss goal. it will be based on my weight at the beginning of that week with a eye to long-term goals. every ounce i lose or gain does not warrant a re-evaluation of the plan.

anyway, i appear to have reached my goal for this week (153) here on DAY TWO, so... i have no idea what that means. the over-arching goal right now is to be sub-150 by july 13th.

this weekend i have a graduation party to attend and i'm bringing gum. i don't think i can/will eat anything served there. so i just won't.

bonus post: i had so much happiness

lately, i have been happy. i mean outright JOYFUL. that's not usual. usual is... barely not depressed. usual is plugging along. but recently things have been really great in my life, not particular things, though a vacation coming up is a thrill and omfg grad school is wonderful news, things-- no, I-- have just been good.

i am not good now.

dealing with my sister, on my own turf, rolling over and playing nice makes me violently angry. and hurt and lonely and... depressed. for REAL depressed, like i've spent so many years.

i still have there wherewithal to be apologetic about to (to my husband). i know that things like food and cutting aren't "coping" options, but shopping, smoking and drinking to excess still sound good. no, exercise does not seem helpful. i am fearful of where this will take me and how long it will last.

i need to not be in this space.

not gonna make it

when i leave for vacation in three weeks, i hope to weigh 150.0 of less. 145.0 is... no longer viable. so. yeah. 154.6. that's... ugly.

okay, so, regroup. for next week: 153.0. that's... ugh. that's higher than i've been lately, but i'm not willing to assume it will magically go away. whatever.

today is fruit-heavy with fresh, organic raspberries from my daddy's garden (about a pint of them... at least), an apple and a kiwifruit. i'm having a giant salad with "mexican cheese blend," light sour cream and salsa for lunch. dinner is going to be a fritatta with green peppers and onions. mmmmm. i'll do a full weight circuit and a walk with my husband. and drink a ton of water.

and tomorrow will be better.

sisterhood conquers all

lately, it seems like the theme of every movie i watch ends up being sisterhood conquers all. like, as long as you've got your sister, it'll be okay. with the occasional variation re: your mother.

i gotta get something off my chest:

i do not love my sister. i do not like her and i would not be missing anything if i never saw or heard from (or OF) her again. "sister" means... basically jack shit to me. i would probably give her a kidney, but only because my brothers all enjoy contact sports and my parents would resent me forever if i didn't. and they would have to promise to keep us in SEPARATE recovery rooms. seriously. and i'd like to be out before we get into the or.

as a result, i am in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad place. i was forced, yesterday, to interact with the bitch. in my f'ing HOME, no less. so i did what anybody would do (the same as what i did at my baby brother's graduation party two weeks ago.) i got rip, roaring drunk and pretended she was any other girl i don't like and made EXTRA nice.

today, frankly, i feel terrible. not hung over, thanks to the four hours i spent lying awake between 1 and 5 wishing i could get cool enough to sleep and biding my time drinking water. depressed. anxious. miserable and angry that no one-- NO ONE-- seems to care that i don't want her in my life. today, i want to run far, far away and never come back.

debbie downer what?

my weight is also up. 154.2 is two pounds up from last week's low and 2.4 up from where i'd hoped to be tomorrow. i didn't walk over the weekend, or lift. i ate crap and had two of what passes for a binge in my life: once when my husband went out on saturday i ate ice cream out of the carton and several slices of toast with butter and last night after eating a delightful and satisfying linner (lunch/dinner), i made-- and practically INHALED-- a bacon & cheddar sandwich.

oh, and internet? i bought a pack of smokes. i've consumed 6 of them. and it took LOTS of willpower (with a side of exhaustion) to not smoke one this morning when my husband was in the shower.

look. i've been down this road before. and you know what? i'm NOT going to run away and never come back. and xyz event (weight loss, moving, grad school, a baby) is not going to make everything magically better. when i come out of this, as i most likely will, i will wish i'd soldiered on. so i am.

we have no leftover sandwiches (!!) from the party, but we have leftover veggies and hummus and various leftover ingredients (bacon, cheese, chopped onions, caramelized onions). so, i'm eating veggies and hummus and cheese for lunch a couple days. yum! and i'll walk tonight and lift and walk tomorrow. i think we're having omelets for dinner, or maybe a fritatta. i've got peppers and onions to get rid of and about 15 eggs.

maybe tomorrow my body will reward me for bouncing back. maybe not. i guess we'll see.

:/

i don't think my liver can stand another run-in with my sister.

japanese food

mister man and i are getting japanese food tonight. i. can't. wait.

have i told you i feel like the world's pickiest eater? i do. i'm weird about flavors and textures. i don't eat whole wide categories of foods: seafood, melon, baby things, things with their faces still attached. so, when we go for japanese, i get... hibachi veggie fried rice. healthy, right? and, no, before you ask, i don't even like the vegetable sushi. sushi skeeves me. so, fried rice and spring rolls for me.

there was a time when we ate out three or more times a week. in a two week cycle we'd have pizza twice, chinese food twice, japanese once (it's more expensive), thai once (i like it less) and maybe wawa sandwiches once or twice. now, it's a planned indulgence. it's celebratory, actually. wednesday was our five year--gag-- date-a-versary. my husband and i met on june 11, 2005 and by the 16th, we were inseparable. so, now, when i've set up my whole week to support a dinner out? god, i'm nervous. what if i bloat? what if my guesstimates are very badly wrong (i've used ck numbers for foods from large, chain pan-asian restaurants) and i'm going over by a zillion calories? what if... what if...

i had a little bounce back today to 152.6. it's weird... i thought... well, i thought i'd be thinner at this weight. that's all. i'm still holding on to hope for 151.8 by monday.

tomorrow will be fine. good, actually, since we'll be busy little bees getting ready for our big fathers' day lunch. but sunday? fraught. my fil, smil, gmil, parents, brothers, sister, her partner and her mother are coming. wtf? i'm so intensely stressed. my sister has not been to my apartment since 2006. her partner has NEVER been and seriously, the mother? i think i met once. i'm positively stunned that they're coming AND that my sister had the nerve to add a plus one. my apartment doesn't really seat 13. or, you know, 6. this is going to be super-stressful. PLUS i'll need to work out the nutrition for all of my homemade food. gah. i'm so overwhelmed.

151.8. totally doable, right??

hindsight

152.2 today, through no efforts of my own. okay, THAT'S not true, but really, i could have done better.

after work, we had to go to my grandmother's town to a) pick up our car from the mechanic A. GAIN. and b) return hers which she'd generously lent us-- and does everytime we have to leave ours at the shop. so, we hightail it there, get the car, spend two minutes talking to her and get home about two minutes before e picks me up for spinning. okay, more like ten. i managed to change and eat a piece of toast (on top of the pretzels and hershey kiss i grabbed at gma's) and run out.

last night was our last class for the summer and BOY did hm work us! for the third week in a row i didn't feel like i could keep up and sweat was dripping off my face. kinda gross. but awesome.

when i got home, my husband had to go out to band practice, and i was so hot (from class + it was 80*) that i just ate ice cream (light) with a dollop pf peanut butter on top. then an apple twizzler type-candy*. then some more pb. an ak mak cracker. a 100-cal pack* of shortbread. and finally went after some very old, store-bought "buttercream" frosting in my fridge. and THEN... i realized that what i really wanted was my whole wheat pasta and turkey meatballs. but it was 11 pm and i was long out of calories. so i went to bed.

anyway, my legs are KILLING me, so i'll be taking some advil all day so i can walk with my honey tonight. and tonight's weights will be upper body & ab focused. and today i will be on plan and tomorrow i will be... 152.0 or less?

and by the way, i'm still loving calorieking. they've got me on 1300 calories a day, but you can miss target by up to 150 calories in either direction. and they measure your macro-nutrients for you, which is awesome cause i need to watch my protein (or i lose my hair-- my PRECIOUS hair) and my fiber (and if you've been reading me for all of a week, you know why).


*candy & cookies left over from making and edible island for the topper of smil's luau birthday cake.

my wobbly bits

(152.6 today, for my reference. and yours, you know, if you give a crap.)

the 150s is where i said, way back in 2006/2007, that i would be happy. i'd still be overweight, but i'd be normal for me. and that's true. or, at least, it would be if my 26-year-old body was the same as my 16-year-old body. ummmm, but it's not.

my 16-year-old body was relatively smooth, proportionate and, frankly, still a little babyfat (ie: the boobs were bigger & higher but fairly shapeless-- more fat that BREAST). now? sigh. i'm pretty lumpy.

(btw, i have sent my camera off for repairs and it should be fixed in two weeks. i'm sorry that we'll be WAY OFF from -75 pounds by the time i give you a photo post again. we're already at about -83!)

so, here i am, in the LOW one-fifties, no less, and i'm not happy yet. so this is why i'm pushing for the last 15-20 pounds:

1. my upper arms are disproportionately fat. i would be cool with always covering my thighs and tummy if i could bare arms, as it were. but they basically look freakishly large. this is new to this version of my body.
2. inner thigh clearance. there is none. those suckers still straight-up RUB! what the hell?
3. that little over-the-naval pooch. i didn't have it until i weighed about 210 pounds, and it still hasn't gone away.
   
4. knee fat. we talked about it at christmas, and i've lost nearly 20 pounds since then. but it's still there, mocking my desire to wear high boots and high hemlines.
   

and that's it! i wanted to try for a reason #5, but i realized, hey, no need to SEEK OUT neurosis!

so, that's that. i'm happy with... my trunk. my butt. my loooong neck and longer torso. even my thighs up to the little inner-thigh fat pocket.

today is my last spinning class for the summer, unless i decide to spend a fortune to take classes a la carte at a fancy spin studio nearby. i'll miss it so much. BUT! the man of the house has VOLUNTEERED to take up running with me again after puerto rico!! i haven't wogged since my bad-idea visit to the track 3 days post-op. now it's been 10 weeks-- long enough to have finished the program!-- and i've not been back. in the mean time, walking & weights. and 151.8. 151.8. 151.8...

in which i bore you with the details

okaaaaaaaaay. have i learned nothing? tuesday drop left me at 152.8! a new freaking low! so, now i'm *kinda* hoping to catch 151.0 this week, but i'll take anything up to 151.6. wow.

last night we didn't walk, but i did 100 crunches -- good ones-- and 15 minutes on my mini stepper while himself lifted weights. tonight is MY weights night, and it's a crazy night again, but i have to do it. so, today's plan:

• breakfast- 2 slices turkey bacon, 1 slice complete protein toast, 1/4 tbs butter, 1 cup coffee
• am snack- 1 raw green pepper, 4 ounces raw green beans
• lunch- 1 serving turkey caesar pasta salad (450 cals, 8g protein, 8g fiber)
• pm snack- small banana, kiwifruit with skin
• dinner- pork chop, steamed broccoli
• errands- pick up car, return gma's car, pick up rxes
• workout- 1 hour weight workout, 30 minute walk
• evening treat- 1/2 cup light ice cream

so... that plan? is basically all week. the dinners change, the errands change and the workouts swap in spinning for weights, but that covers it. this is basically my lose-it-all plan for the next three months.

now. i... am going on two separate tropical vacations in the next three months. on, yes, mil's town is TROPICAL. especially between april and october. i'm going to need bathing suits. oh. yes. so, where do you think i can find a long-torso, bandeau tankini top WITH CUPS and a skirted bottom, no pleats, that i can try on in-store AND buy in separate sizes??

SQUEE x 2

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! hubs and i are going to puerto rico in a month! i'm having some buyer's remorse about spending the $$ but this is going to be the vacation of a lifetime (so far).

our honeymoon, our last long, alone vacation, kinda sucked. i'll be honest with you: before our honeymoon, he and i had never actually spent a full week together without work or other distractions. it was... rough. we argued a lot. i felt really fat and out of shape (because i WAS) we didn't quite fit in the 2-seater tub, and we couldn't agree on what to do, like, EVER.

this time? HOOOO BOY. i plan to be down 9oish pounds from my honeymoon weight (236) and i'm, i dunno, kinda fit? hubs is -40ish right now and will probably be at least -50 in a month. and is also getting pretty fit. we've pre-booked a rainforest hike. i could just die. we're planning to rent a car and take a day in san juan, spend a day walking around the area where we're staying, spend a day lazing on the beach and take our hike one day. we'll have a mini-fridge in the room, so we'll buy fruit and veggies there, and pack some clif/special k protein bars and a small jar of peanut butter. and we'll eat out one or two meals a day, because DUH.

and the other squee... it's not mine to share. i'll edit when it's been shared, officially.

THE EDIT: go ahead a send your best wishes to The Recovering Actor, aka, the future Mrs. Gzilla.

...........................

oh, yeah, my weight. 153.8 today! woohoo! now, in order to meet my PUERTO RICO goal, i need to lose 2.2 pounds per week. a lot. kind of. more than i'm interested in shooting for this late in the game. but i'll try. if i don't make it? eh... i'll still make 150, which is damn good.

so: 151.6. 151.6. 151.6...

quick saturday check-in, mostly for my information

i've done very well with food this weekend. very, very well. and my usual complaint (constipation) has cleared up. or, at least, been replaced by, er, the OPPOSITE complaint. not cool. i've taken 2 30-minute walks with my husband, but not hiked (nor will we this weekend, i think) or done my hour-long, not-fucking-around weight workout because... i really don't feel okay. really.

anyway, i weighed in at 154.6 today and we're about to book a vacation to puerto rico because, well, my husband totally, epically failed to get his passport. vacation will be in 4 weeks (exactly!) and that goal will remain 145.

le sigh, as the say on the interwebs

well, yesterday...sucked. i left my lunch (and veg snacks) at home AND was wearing super cute but not especially friendly shoes PLUS we're being strict budgeters lately, so i had this long, boring struggle with myself over what to get for lunch and settled on what i THOUGHT was a moderately healthy and moderately cheap lunch. it really was a short walk, so that at least worked out.

of course, it was cheapish, but only about a dollar or two less than i could have spent on an ACTUALLY healthy lunch. anyway, boring, boring, boring... chinese food. i guess i should have known that "sauteed" means dripping in brown sauce.

and so, i've gained.

i don't even know what to do right now. this bloat weight SHOULD be falling off, but it's not. today, i'm having a hard-core fiber day (for my usual problem) and grabbing a light frap for, uh, good measure. the weekend is going to be very, very much dedicated to fitness and... i don't know. i don't know what's going on.

not again!

156.4. that, after spinning last night.

i have to say, i feel like a giant hypocrite. in the past few weeks i've been all "you have to be consistent" and "you can't expect a continuous, steady loss" and cheerleader-bullshit to my husband. and the last couple days, i've wanted to crawl back in bed and cry when i got off the scale.

i zipped past these numbers last week. i want NEW numbers. i want to see the little changes, the LAST little changes, start.

i'm having my usual issue in the digestion department. is it fair to blame that? cause i am.

(frustration)

ah. mah. gah. 156.6? really?? why, body, why?

i ate right. i drank my waters. i walked. i lifted. i started cleaning up the mess i made last week (this doesn't aid my weight loss in any way but i feel like it should). the only think i can think of is... i've been low on fiber. really low. and, well, you know how that goes.

today's food is:

• a clif zbar (choco-chip) because i'm out of real breakfast food
• a kiwi
• an extra small banana
• a cup of tortellini salad
• 15 grape tomatoes
• 15 baby carrots
• grilled chicken
• snow peas
• 1/2 cup sliced peaches
  
• 1/2 cup edy's slow-churned is under consideration
• and the workout is... SPINNING

i intend to eat my kiwi skin, too, because even though i can't figure out how MUCH fiber it has to count in my daily totals, i know it has SOME.

i feel... crummy. i want to see my weight keep going down! i want to see the 140s this summer and the 130s by fall. i want... i want to be done.

huh

despite near-perfect efforts yesterday, complete with pushing water and walking, i gained. GAINED. so, there it is. i gained 1.4 pounds when i was supposed to lose 1.8 and now i have 5 pounds to lose in 1 week to stay on track.

i'm still choosing to believe it's not real because, hey, it probably isn't. so, maybe i WILL deflate as much as i want to.

nutrition, calories, water. weights, walk.

i need a weekend from my weekend

look, i'm going to weigh in tomorrow, because i assume that some of the fourish pounds i've gained since thursday (two by friday, a s-t-s and then two more yesterday) are going to go away.

for the record i did alright at party #1. i was running around ALL DAY so even though i ate a few chips, some crepes suzette and an extra glass of pineapple-banana punch and a few nibbles more of the cake than was strictly speaking planned for (how do you resist joining in when a five year old is going at the cake with a plastic fork at 9pm??), i feel fine about it. especially since i didn't have a jump on the scale.

yesterday, though? i think i drank a gallon of margaritas. and two beers. some tortellini salad. 3 or 4 soft pretzel sticks, faux cheese dip, 2 giant cookie, and a partridge in a pear tree. not good. not the plan. but? i managed to be SUPER nice to my sister, her partner AND my bitchy aunt. the booze helped with that.

today is back to normal (with the minor exception of... i don't think there are any fruits and veggies in my house or my lunch) complete with an extra-long walk. 153.8, please, universe.

so sleepy

last night, instead of going to the bar to see my husband's band play their first open mic since they got the singer singing lessons (oh, yes, really), i stayed home and baked 4 batches of cake (3 half-sheets and a pair of 8" rounds), then assembled the three tiers of the birthday cake i'm making (chocolate cake with vanilla filling, banana cake with chocolate filling, vanilla cake with banana filling) and crumb-coated them. and a made the purple & yellow glazes for my youngest brother's high school graduation party cookies.

i got home at 7:45 and baked/colored/flavored/prepared/frosted until 12:30. i am SO UNGODLY SLEEPY.

i'm also up to 155.8. ouch. maybe i shoulda kept my fingers out of the cake batter? and the chocolate frosting? and the decorator frosting? and... and... and...

153.8. two pounds. weekend from hell coming up. my plan? alas, it it to NOT DRINK.

tomorrow, i'll chug-a-lug water & seltzer until party time, and, in fact, for a few hours into the party. i'll have one cup of punch and a burger at the party. maybe some of the cake.

sunday... i'll be water-loading again, well into the party, where i'll nosh on roasted veggies and a little tortellini salad. and one of my mom's chocolate-almond refrigerator cookies. and a margarita.

as for tonight...

i need to leave work at 3 (summer hours!) go to BloodBath & Beyond for a couple of beverage dispensers, hit a grocery store for 9 liters of pineapple soda, a jar of tropical punch kool-aid, a couple cans of tropical fruit and... oh, gosh, shortbread cookies, rolos, green twizzlers, some ball-shaped brown candy... crap. and michaels for a bit more decorator frosting. holy shit. and then i have to work my ass off and finish these confections.

i've already consumed 20 ounces of coffee.

losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.

...

154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.

less

today i weight LESS than i did when i was at my lowest weight in college. less, probably, than i ever did in high school. i might have weighed this little in... 8th grade? or 7th? maybe younger.

goal for monday is 153.8, and i have only to lose ONE POUND to get there.

bloggies, i am less than 10 pounds away from my "healthy" weight range and my july 12th goal. i am less than 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal-- the weight that just seems so low i can't imagine ever actually weighing it. i'm going to be there in september.

i can't stress enough how much i believe that consistent exercise is the reason for this. i've been working out regularly for about 5 months now-- undoubtedly the longest stretch i've gone in... ever. i've been doing AT LEAST one really, really hard workout a week (up to 3 the weeks i was training with bk AND taking spinning) and probably 5 or 6 workouts total, even if they were mostly half hour walks around the neighborhood. and, yes, having my partner be my PARTNER in this is just, wow, it's huge.

this week, i've made a couple new rules for myself:

1. ice cream OR beer- we've been blessed with an abundance of good, free beer, and friends, we are beer people. we've also discovered the joy of edy's slow churned light ice cream (on sale or i never would have bought it). and as much as i could excuse having a serving of ice cream and a beer because they fit in my calories? i shouldn't. i should not be getting two or more treats every day. some days, sure. but every day? most? no.
   
2. weight training on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays- since bk has been working at two gyms, taking arborist certification classes and, now, getting a job as an arborist, he doesn't have time to train his big sister for a measly $10 an hour. fortunately, his big sister foresaw this happening eventually and bought herself some heavy weights. unfortunately, without the need to coordinate with him, she's let her weight training slip to once a week or less. so, i didn't do it yesterday because of time constraints, but going forward, i'll do my weights on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays (when i don't have dr. y).

i think that these are two rules that i can follow long term. like... forever. my other goals for this week are to get at least 30 minutes of cardio a day, hit my calorie and nutritional targets and be very mindful at the parties this weekend.

153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8...

missed the mark

155.6. so close. i could have done it. i could have laid off the chocolate chips. or avoided the cake batter. made my new "ice cream OR beer" rule before... today.

155.6. and, ya know what? it's AWESOME. i'm really pleased. i thought for sure that my size 31p (that's 12p) jeans would not fit right out of the dryer today, but they did.

155.6 and i've lost *over* eighty pounds. 20.5 to go!

my husband broke 35 pounds yesterday. it's been 6.5 weeks? i think? "oh, that i were a man," (ten points to the person who gets this) "i would EAT HIS HEART IN THE MARKETPLACE!" i just wish i had a metabolism like that. damn. he looks great. lots of clothes fit again and he's full of energy. he works out every. day. no kidding. he's getting all muscled and stuff, too.

anyway, back to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

so, we've booked our trip in september to visit mil, sfil, sbil & hbil. and goal for that trip is, well, GOAL. conveniently, you know what stretches neatly between now and then (september 8)? the summer. we're going to florida the weekend after labor day. but before THAT, we're hoping desperately to take a little trip somewhere sunny and slow and flowing with booze and saltwater pools. that's scheduled for july 12th. well, not SCHEDULED in the strictest sense. it's planned, but it's going to be a very last-minute deal. we'll book it based on what we can afford a week before when i get a bonus.

sooooooooo...

yeah.

for the next six weeks (including this weekend's party double-header!) i need to lose 1.75 pounds a week to hit the top of my range (145) by the imaginary vacation. after that, including the vacation week, i'll need to lose 1.25 pounds a week to meet my final goal by labor day.

goal for next monday: 153.8.

wow. i'm gonna do it.