lately, i have been happy. i mean outright JOYFUL. that's not usual. usual is... barely not depressed. usual is plugging along. but recently things have been really great in my life, not particular things, though a vacation coming up is a thrill and omfg grad school is wonderful news, things-- no, I-- have just been good.
i am not good now.
dealing with my sister, on my own turf, rolling over and playing nice makes me violently angry. and hurt and lonely and... depressed. for REAL depressed, like i've spent so many years.
i still have there wherewithal to be apologetic about to (to my husband). i know that things like food and cutting aren't "coping" options, but shopping, smoking and drinking to excess still sound good. no, exercise does not seem helpful. i am fearful of where this will take me and how long it will last.
i need to not be in this space.