count down to goal

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

what do they see?

yesterday, i was sad about my greek-style yogurt, grape tomatoes and banana lunch. none are foods i particularly enjoy, and i'd been having a rough day. i felt sad. then i felt stupid for feeling so sad. then i decided to carefully consider my options (i work in the food capital of the world) and get something that didn't disappoint me.

i thought and thought and thought and decided on a veggie egg roll. so i called the chinese place at 3pm and ordered one. (my deal with myself re: take-out at work is that i HAVE to call and order. not stop in, CALL. i have a phone phobia and it helps me evaluate whether i REALLY want it.)

when i went to pick it up ten minutes later, it was still frying. the son of the owner/operators was working-- i guess because he's out of school for the summer-- and much older than the last time i saw him. maybe 14 or 15. i wondered, what does he SEE?

does he see 5'3.5", 170 pounds having a mid-afternoon snack of deep-fried? i doubt he sees a woman, down over 60 pounds, making a conscious decision to supplement her healthy lunch. does he assume i had lunch two or three hours earlier at one of the dozens of other fantastic local restaurants, or does he figure i forgot to eat lunch and now it's 3 so i'm just grabbing a snack (as i sometimes actually do). do people assume it's laziness and gluttony that's turned me into a size 14? when will i stop being a fat person? my friends (girls mostly, but one guy who's lost about 50 pounds [off a 6'5", 300 pound frame]) call me "skinny" like it's my name... but if they didn't know me, would they think i was thin? not a chance. normal? maybe. fat? well, i am, right?

my "6" went away, as it was bound to do (but i SAW it. it was THERE. it's gonna be back soon!), after pizza & fries for dinner... and a chocolate junior. it was, after all, bastile day. but i pushed my water and managed 18 girly push-ups and 30 unassisted sit-ups (no husband holding my feet) followed by a pretty weak 15 minutes on the stationary bike.

and i studied and did all my homework. that counts for something, right?

1 comment:

Ellen said...

Love this!! So many of the same thoughts that I've pondered. I've noticed that when I am on track I tend to feel more like a "normal person" when I buy indulgency things in the grocery store. Even though I'm the only one who knows it, I imagine I emanate my "on-track-ness" somehow. Or, maybe I just care less what other people think then?

When I'm NOT on track I have the total opposite feeling. Even if my cart is full over wonderful healthy foods, I still feel judged by the one small bag of Dorritos I grab at the checkout! Oy.