okay, does anybody else sometimes-- completely unbidden-- hear a little voice in your head saying just keep swimming... just keep swimming... ? no? just me? okay.
everyday that my goal is DON'T FUCK UP i get a little charge out of, you know, not fucking up. yesterday i only fucked up a little -- in fact, i was withing my range, i just didn't make the best possible choices (beer and an unfrosted cupcake). i kept swimming.
so, i have a huge anxiety problem, right? you know that? and lately i'm anxious about two things: money & my future.
money-wise, we're quite comfortable. we live within our means, but not far enough below to pay off debt (a little consumer debt, a little student loan debt). last night, all whipped up into a frenzy, i made a plan to get us out from our consumer debt & my husband's student loans by september.
which is when i hope to be taking on a WHOLE LOT more student loans.
which brings me pretty neatly to my second point: i'm trying to get into graduate school with a really awful undergrad gpa and not very much hope for a great recommendation. so, basically, my argument is "but i will TRY this time!"it's a little scary and hard, so i've set some simple rules for myself: 1) no new books until i've completed my application essay, and 2) schedule my gre test and study schedule next week. ummm, YIKES.
so that why i've got to just... keep... not fucking up. that's why i'm ready to be done, even though i'll never be thin, exactly. i'm TIRED.
in other news... i dug through my closet for pants to wear with my joan of arc costume on saturday (it came with really cheap capris, which, no.) and unearthed a pair of express "correspondent" pants in size 12 and damned if they didn't fit! i mean, it was close, but doable close, not "they'll be fine as long as i don't sit! or breath!"
so. twelve. me.