ohpleasephpleaseohplease

extra cardio: not check
shred: check but not *as hard* as i could have
calories: check
nutrients: check
water: FOUR LITERS, MOTHERFUCKER!

ahem.

so, my husband went out, which is often a recipe for DISASTER for me. but i watched a movie (good dick was awesome, if overly indie and slightly disjointed, and i want everyone to see it to understand how i feel all the time) and then shredded. and then... yeah, i was going to do some more exercise of some kind. stepper, steps, even level 1. but i didn't. i watched another movie instead (trucker which was worth it for the broody nathan fillion).

i baked peanut butter brownies for my husband to show him that i really, REALLY appreciate his cleaning the kitchen on wednesday. i didn't eat one, but i'd say about 15% of one stuck to the pan and, well, everybody knows edges and broken ones have no calories.

(i'm logging it!)

today's a long day-- over nine hours at the office-- and i'm tired from waiting up for my husband to come home. focus is, as ever: water, calories, nutrients, shred.

weekend goals: water, calories, nutrients & 2 hours of formal exercise.

um, apparently, i dare

and... i bought it. in an 8. holy shitburgers.

so, yesterday shook down like this:

1. water: 4+ liters, 3 1/2 of them PLAIN WATER
2. calories: a bit over when my stomach was growling at bedtime-- i had two crackers
3. nutrients: CHECK!
4. shred: eh. my wrist did this thing where it feels like it's spraining righthtisverymoment if i put pressure on it wrong, so i swapped out moves that put pressure on it after the first walking push-up set. so, no, i didn't give it my ALL, per se, but i got through it and i'm going to add more cardio today... i'm not sure how yet, but i am. i suppose with my stepper tonight, my bike once it's fixed and the track when it's not FREEZING.
   

so. i bought it. WOW.

well... today's focus is on water, calories, nutrients, shred AND an extra 15 minutes of cardio.

DO I DARE?

this dress... this is on my shortlist for THE WEDDING in may. in an 8. it's on final sale. for $99.99. with an additional 30% off until midnight.

exercise: semi-success

dudes, if i'm in a bank today... that gets held up... and they're like hands over your heads or we shoot!... i'm a deadman. because i truly believe that i cannot raise my arms above shoulder level today.


the good: i made it ALL THE WAY THROUGH level 2.

the bad: i followed anita the entire time except the last set of cardio because... seriously? i can't do that. so i kept doing knee-ups.

the ugly: when i finished, i took one look at the kitchen and requested that my husband order a pizza while i collapsed into bed. (i ate one slice of a small, a handful of fries and a dry side salad. still good!)


e bailed on our trainer meeting tuesday, but i've told him that i plan to pay him in advance for 10 sessions over 5 weeks. i'll be three weeks in by the time we start spinning. i intend to be in killer shape by spring. like, seriously. lately i've decided that i need to think about things (eating right, exercise) as things i'm just going to do. i AM, not i'll TRY or i WANT. WILL. it's easier that way for me to DO IT. ya know?

focus for today: two liters of water PLUS my coffees. eat on plan. shred. have dinner started BEFORE i shred so i'm not tempted to give up... again.

exercise: semi-fail

okay. i KNOW that exercise is an important part of the *journey* and i KNOW that people who exercise moderately during their loss and keep it up during maintenance are more likely to keep it off. but i, honestly, have lost my nearly 70 pounds with intermittent exercise.

i think we've (i've) reached the point where i probably won't be losing much more without some exercise. which is why i'm trying to do just that.

last night, i got back on the shredding bandwagon. with level two. which... may have been a little overconfident. i made it about halfway before i broke down in tears (this is not the first time a workout video has had that effect on me, not even THIS workout video) but today is a new opportunity to not fail spectacularly. yes, i will do level two again tonight and i will get to... farther than last night. that's all i'm promising, k?

e and i (e is the girlfriend i talk about here, the one i have lunch with when the weather's nice, the one i'm spinning with) have a metting with our, ahem, TRAINER (my kid brother) a week from today. i'm going to pay him upfront for 10 sessions over five weeks. by the time those five weeks are up, we'll be into spinning. and FITNESS. where organized, paid-for exercise is fitness will follow, and, likewise, where fitness is, exercise will follow.

i would love to be showing a good, low number today but, alas, it's 168.2. a current favorite of my body's. i'm disappointed, of course, but i'm keeping my focus where it belongs: on things i CAN DO. on getting my fluids, hitting my calorie and nutrient targets and shredding. i CAN.


ps, internet friends, sometime within the next week and a half i SHOULD be hearing if i got into grad school and i am OUT OF MY MIND with nerves. just... thought i'd share.

whoa

maybe i shouldn't have drank that BOTTLE of wine. or made chicken-soba noodle stir fry and veg fried rice in UNBELIEVABLE quantities on saturday for our guests. and 3 brownies (at about 340 calories each) might no have been the best plan. i may have gained a bit.

but today i'm back in focus. my liquid intake will be 2+ liters of seltzer, water and black coffee. my calories & nutrients will be in-range. i will shred level two. and... i will talk to my brother about training me and my girlfriend.

this is the friend i'm taking spinning with-- and she's convinced me to take advanced spinning TOO so we can spin twice a week. my brother is getting his training certification and is offering $10 an hour to family and $20 an hour to family friends. and he knows his shit, too, he's halfway through a bs in kinesiology. my girlfriend and i plan on working out with him twice a week: once together, once separately. i'm going to pay him in advance for 5 weeks, but i'd like to do three cycles of 5 weeks so that i finish 15 weeks of twice-a-week training just in time for... bill's stepsister's wedding. for $300, you can't beat it.

so... am i crazy? can i do this? two spinning classes plus two training sessions a week? yes. i can do this. and by summer, i'll be in the body i'm going to be in forever. (ahhhh, cheesy self-motivation speech.)

focus: water. calories. nutrients. shred level 2.

laughing in the face of calorieking

edited to add: so, seriously? i've had about the worst week EVER. i've been constantly thinking about ways i can self-soothe. unfortunately, the things i can think of all all off limits: shopping (come on, who doesn't love pretty things) is on hold because we have high budget hopes for this year; eating/drinking is on hold-- or, well controlled-- because, duh, i'm on a diet; drinking, like DRINKING DRINKING is a a bad plan because mmmmmmmcigarettes; cigarettes are a bad plan because mmmmmcarcinogens... i have to say, it looks like i'm going to work out and than go to sleep. sleep is TOTALLY still allowed. i just keep reminding myself of losing weight... being under 160 next month... close to 150 by my birthday... near 145 for the family wedding in may...

______________________________________________


down to 167 today. clearly, i am right and calorieking is wrong. about me, anyway. 1400 + exercise calories? no. 1250? yes.

i don't even have anything to talk about today... focus is on meeting my calorie and nutritional goals, my water goal mainly with WATER and getting in a shred. oh, yeah, and doing laundry. no, for real. AND going grocery shopping.

promises

i focused yesterday, i was careful. i managed two of the (five) things i said i was going to do. rather that dwell on the failures, let's talk about where i succeeded.

i stayed within my calorie range! it was a little tough, but i managed. AND i met my nutrient goals without going way over in any-- i often top off my calories by eating something fatty and end up over my fat.

so, today is a dr. y day. and there is MUCH. i'm focusing on staying in my calorie range, meeting my nutrient goals without going over and getting in my 128 ounces of calorie-free fluids-- black coffee, diet soda, seltzer and water. (tomorrow i'll knock out the soda. and EXERCISE.)

if i seem less depressed today it's because i weigh less than i have in weeks: 168.2. i hate feeling like i'm, i dunno, running in place? a walking, talking, blogging experiment in futility? i know i shouldn't let the scale dictate my feelings, but... poo. it's HARD. i have been pretty strict! i just needed to see a little movement.

anyway:

staying in my calorie range, meeting my nutrient goals without going over and getting in my 128 ounces of calorie-free fluids.

bless me internet, for i have sinned

it has been one week since my last shred.

FUCK. right? i know.

i'm feeling pretty defeated right about now. pretty seriously defeated. i'll shred tonight. i'll keep to my calories. i didn't even pack a lunch, though. last night i went over my calories by one glass of wine and one slice of (really crappy) instant cheesecake. peer pressure. sort of. it was just put in front of me and i ate it without question, even though i had NOT said yes to it, but of course, i also did NOT say no. um, and there was an incident with a dove milk chocolate bar in the afternoon.

i suck.

okay. focus: meet my calorie, nutrient, water & exercise goals today. do laundry.

good news-- my husband got into the car at the airport last night and asked if i'd eaten at all while he was gone. which, yes. but it's good to know i look thin to him.

do not want

you know what i don't like? the 170-pounds range. don't get me wrong, it's way better than the 235-pounds range, but i was my baseline weight, the one that i hang out around, to be more like 140.

169.6 today. a gain. i wonder if this is why i've shied away from *programs* in the past. because here i am, having done more or less perfectly for two weeks (i had a badish weekend, but really didn't go over by more than 1000 calories all weekend, and over the REST of the past two weeks, i know i was under at least 1000), and... it's not working. i should be down two to four pounds by now. i hate that this is not working.

i've changed my calorie target from 1350 to 1250. i'm hoping to see some poundage go from that. i'm just so fucking frustrated! i just want to lose 25 more pounds. and... i don't know what to do. exercise more. eat less. why is my body broken??

calories in minus calories out

eep. the combination of the mister being out of town and my uncles being IN town led to... well, it wasn't a disaster, per se, but i had two cocktails on friday (okay, those were because i went out to dinner with a girlfriend) and a cocktail and two glasses of wine on saturday. yesterday was fine until i attempted to make last night AND tonight's dinners at once-- angel hair with olive oil and cheese, a MAJOR comfort food. i mad half a pound, tossed it with the oil and then cheesed half of it.

but i didn't put it away. so, over the course of an awful ed norton movie i, naturally, ate it all. that's a 1000 calorie dinner. and then i followed with 6 chocolates. yikes. my weekend calorieking is... not perfect. i've already logged all of today. including my first shred since wednesday. shit.

yesterday at the mall, my mom and i ate at carraba's. i got a small chicken bryan without the gd lemon-butter sauce. she got... a small of some other chicken dish. we talked about calories. you guys, i think calorieking is great. really. i love the program. but... i'm not losing. calorieking members (and the support staff) suggest decreasing your calories by 50-100 per day every week until you reach a point where you lose one to two pounds. my mom says increase my calories but don't eat back exercise cals... wouldn't that be the same as staying at this level and eating them back? i'm so fucking confused. i need to decide tomorrow when my week is up.

so. is there anything more delightful than getting a facebook friend request from a man who didn't want to *commit* to calling you his girlfriend 4 years ago to see that he is two-years married with a a baby? lovely. sometimes i forget that i'm married, too. is that weird? it was sort of whirlwindy and it almost doesn't feel real. it bugs that shit out of me that TWO of my exes got married about 50 weeks after i did. guys who literally weren't able to call me their girlfriend. kinda makes me feel, you know, like it was ME.

speaking of being married... godDAMN i want my husband to come home. like, YESTERDAY. i was hysterical last night. i made it 48 hours without him before i started to despair. this is probably super annoying, but i really, really love my husband. sure, he drives me bonkers sometimes but i ADORE him. i miss the shit out of him.

okay, and on one last unrelated note: i have a rocky relationship with my sister. very. last night i watched rachel getting married because i love anne hathaway and i'd heard it was amazing. spoiler alert-- the theme was 'sisterhood conquers all.' is it bad that i identified with the antagonist? at least, i DID until she FORGAVE THE BITCH. i'm a bad person, huh?

figures

i didn't shred last night. and today? my eating is unscheduled. which basically means it's gonna suck. oopsie.

my husband is going away tonight. he's flying to warmer climes to visit his mom, stepdad, stepbrother, stepsister, stepniece, stepnephew, stepbrother-in-law (stretching, here), halfbrother and sister. it's good. he hasn't seen most of them since may. we expected a visit from his mom, stepdad and halfbrother over the summer but plans changed when his stepdad abruptly lost most of his hearing. his sister was recently dumped by her fuckhead live-in, which precipitated a horrible second trimester miscarriage. my husband has been more or less estranged from her (by her choice) since the asshole come into the picture. we're hoping that this long weekend will allow them to reconnect a little. it's a good thing.

for them. me? i HATE being alone. last time he went away without me, i ate about four pounds of pasta. and ONLY pasta. with butter and cheese. my favorite salty-carb comfort food.

last night, i tried to plan out my food for the weekend. i have pork chops, which i love but he doesn't like. i have spinach, asparagus and leftover brussels sprouts. that's as far as i got. i realized how many meals i'd be alone for and just panicked. it's not the MEALS, so much, since i can pretty easily make a healthy meal for one, but it's the time in between meals. so far i've got an outing planned for tonight, and maybe one tomorrow. sunday is probably empty and monday and tuesday will probably just be long workdays. i hope.

the problem is, i don't want to be alone all that time, but hanging out with people inevitably means food, drink and cigarettes. do not want.

then for breakfast this morning i had one waffle. i didn't pack a lunch or any snacks. what am i, stupid? i also forgot my keys. so, yes, stupid.

it's not yet ten am and i'm starving. i'm also anxious and lonely in anticipation. i miss him.

wimp(le)

so. my new routine kinda goes like this: work, come home, chill for five or ten minutes, shred, cook dinner, eat dinner while getting a jon stewart fix AND planning tomorrow's dinner, shower and then read/watch shows/watch movies/clean/etc., etc., etc.

it works out pretty nicely since i get my workout in without much whining and then i have the WHOLE EVENING in front of me. but last night i finished a book that was kinda dragging me down (a biography of lucrezia borgia-- i know, it was less fun than it sounds) so i could read one of the four new books i have piled by my bed. plus, there were no new shows.

actually, i kinda wimped out on shredding. oh, i DID it. mostly. two-thirds. at least. but i did it pretty wimpily. i'd had a crummy day-- everyone and their mother at work reminded me that i'm NOT important, i'm NOT good enough and i'm NOT worthy of, oh, i dunno, a nod as you squeeze by me in the narrow stairwell because YOU'RE a drop-dead fucking gorgeous attorney who speaks fucking PERSIAN and i'm... not. (new tenant! yay! she's WAY above me.) sigh. then my computer kept asking to be shut down for updates while i tried to shred (playing the dvd on the computer), and finally, midway through the third cycle of cardio, just before bicycle crunches, i let it.

why, yes, i DO regret not stretching after.

so, i sort of lazed around for a bit after dinner, banged out the last two years of lucrezia's life and then hopped in the shower before i started the sacred book of the werewolf. well, i fell asleep before my hair was totally dry and this morning, i looked like i was wearing a wimple. um, so i pulled my hair back. the end.

it seems to me that i'm eating at maintenance now. i mean, SERIOUSLY. i've been 168.4 for the better part of two weeks. what. the. hell. i don't know how long i can continue to eat this much, knowing i'm getting used to it and that, eventually, i'll have to cut back. i feel like i need to let my body get on board with this plan but... i don't know. how long? how much SHOULD i be eating? why do trader joe's whole grain toaster waffles have 4.5 grams of fat EACH?

these are the questions that torment me...

OH THE DRAMZ

since season 2 (or are they cycles?) of the biggest loser, i've avoided watching. for many seasons i've been getting my guilty fix from fat bridesmaid's summaries. but... she on a break. so i was forced to admit that through all the sideshow, and DRAMZ, and you'll-laugh-you'll-cry, and pregnant pauses, and strategic commercial breaks, and what the hell is that? the soundtrack from a horror movie? and blood, sweat, tears and a slo-mo fall off the treadmill... i like to watch it. it's motivating.

so, last night, i watched episode 1 on hulu. ummm, question? are they all two fucking hours? seriously, are they?

okay... moving right along to THIS big loser (and i mean that in an L on the forehead way). i shredded. i kept within all the right ranges. i feel kinda thinner and stronger. kinda. i have muscles where i never saw muscles before. i lost .2 pounds. but it's okay because that's NOT my focus. my focus is on the things i can control. food. water. activity.

but, shit, you guys. i've got a goal. i want people to not recognize me at my stepsister-in-law's wedding. people who haven't seen me since i waddled down the aisle. i want to wear a size 8 dress. may 22.

SO. i'm signed up for spinning at the end of next month. i also have to sign up for kickboxing. and i wish there were some damn weekend morning workout classes. not even yoga! i suppose i'll add wogging back in around... i dunno. april?

i'm obsessed with planning ahead. i should stop. but i can't.

disappointment

sexy update: ck reduced my calorie target to 1350 after my weigh-in. that seems better.


168.6? after all that hard work? and sticking to my calories and SHREDDING for god's sake? down .8 pounds? bummer.

but. i suppose it takes some time for the body to adjust. we'll see.

i did my fifth shred last night, and it was good. well, it was HARD and sweaty, but i was good. i need to actually DO the side lunge/anterior raises sets... oops. otherwise, i did some sets watching natalie (the amazon on jillian's right) and got VERY DEEP into those lunges. go me.

i've also signed up for SPINNING! there were only two slots left, so i had to jump on it, but there are still 49 for kickboxing, which apparently starts a week later.

well. so. i'm sort of on the edge of my seat for something GOOD to happen. bad things have been happening a lot.

focus: eat right. shred hard. drink water.

aw, geez

i stuck to my ck'ing over the weekend. hurrah! sure, i posted some things i'm not TOTALLY proud of (hello, pretzel nuggets and nacho cheese) but i logged it all and, though i sorta missed some nutrient ranges, i stayed withing my calorie target.

i gained a pound, too.

i shredded on friday afternoon-- oh yes i did-- and i forgave myself for NOT shredding on saturday. i drank all my water, and some coke zero. i forced myself to eat some protein & fiber when my tummy felt like a bottomless pit, instead of eating the carby food i wanted.

and i gained a pound.

but the tuesday drop is coming, and maybe it will bring me back. i don't want another week at the EXACT SAME WEIGHT.

so... my mom is in a diet cult. she's actually pretty high up in a diet cult. she's kind of in line for the throne. i've talked about this before. i'm thinking of asking her what her charts say i should be consuming, calorie-wise. i'm thinking... 1390 plus whatever i exercise off? that's a LOT. i've been supplementing with light egg nog (which is nutritionally not a train wreck. i was surprised, too.) just to hit my range. i need to lose these last 20-35 pounds in 6 months. i can't dick around anymore.

today i shred. and drink TONS of water. and eat the salad i packed for lunch. and my three (yes, three) snacks. and try to remain optimistic.

i did what i thought i had to do to survive

i had a crazy good session with dr. y last night. it's been a while since i've felt like i, um, got in touch. with stuff. (why is this sounding dirty? it's not meant to...) but last night was hardcore. last night, at six thirty, i had my sunglasses on walking out of her office.

then i decided i just needed to relax and watch a dexter before i shredded. then my husband went out-- i encouraged him to, he'd had a bad day at work and i was not in a great mood-- and i decided on one more. then i got an email from my mom that bugged me. then i, very reluctantly, got ready to shred. i made it to the first set of push-ups before i burst into tears. the ones IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE WARM-UP. knee circles? they made my quads scream. it was that bad, yo.

i plopped back down at my desk to see a text from my husband replying to the one i'd sent him about the email:

don't let it ruin your shred!

HA! too late now. i didn't do it. i know i should have. i know i'd feel happier, more motivated, stronger and all-around awesomer if i had, but i didn't. i watched two sitcoms on hulu and another episode of dexter.

i didn't get my evening treat (light egg nog) because i didn't burn the calories. i'll shred when i get home tonight, and i'll shred tomorrow. i think, maybe, it's unreasonable to plan to shred after therapy (before which we always eat a ruby tuesday) so i'll add a saturday shred on my therapy weeks.

i'm a little proud of my ruby tuesday'ing, by the way, i told the mister yesterday morning that i WOULD UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES eat any appetizer and that i would order the petite sirloin with mashed potatoes and broccoli. and i did just that. i didn't even eat the deep-fried onion business that came with my steak. funny story: rt's mashed potatoes appear to have less fat AND fewer calories than the mashed cauliflower. wtf?? i only ate half anyway.

well, i've shuffled my food plans for today around to accommodate my half-assed breakfasting and the two truffles that are staring at me. it's gonna be okay. i'm picking up RIGHT NOW.

ow.

day three. of five. of thirty.

i'm focusing SO HARD on getting through the first five days of shredding. yesterday i forgot to eat part of my snack (the almonds, naturally) and was weepy when i got home to the realization that i had to work out. i ate five almonds and five whole grain crackers and did it. i f'ing did it. not perfectly, but i tried. i still hurt, um, EVERYWHERE. you know the drill, right? standing up from the toilet? agony. stairs? comical. and agonizing.

i know it will be SO MUCH easier on monday after a cross-training day and a rest day.

so far, since shredding and caloriekinging perfectly, i've not lost an ounce. which is fine. the daily weight is not important. heck, even the weekly weight is not IMPORTANT. the trend is important. i know it could take 3 to 6 weeks for my body to adjust to the food change (eating SO MUCH MORE) and/or the exercise. i know. i'm just trying to focus on doing the right things. that's all i can do to get the right results.

is this strange? i sort of... pray. to my body. i ask it to comply. to become strong. to leave the fat behind. to take care of my, mentally, and i promise that i will take care of it physically. i don't think it believes me. i don't think i blame it.

11.5 pounds to lose and 27 more shreds before valentine's day. do you think i can wear size 10 jeans?

jillian michaels read my mind

so, i'm shredding last night, hitting the last circuit and jillian says something to the effect of "i know all you want to do right now is turn off this dvd and stop, but this is where we have to end strong..."

i'm sore ALL OVER. seriously. every single muscle i have hurts.

my friend, the recovering actor, bought the shred yesterday! i'm excited to have a buddy. i'm also wondering how allison is doing with it. i've been poking around for success stories, but so far i haven't found anyone who ACTUALLY lost "up to 20 pounds in 30 days!" as the dvd cover claims. me? i'd love to lose ten. well, twelve, actually, since i'm taking 6 weeks for it. i'll be finishing the week before valentine's day and my spreadsheet claims i'll be about 158 then. and, ya know, smokin' hot from all this exercise.

so... i'd like to say something about calorieking.com. more specifically, i'd like to say something about the PROGRAM-- the not-free part. the fact is, i've avoided organized *programs* pretty hardcore for, oh, ever. but that wasn't getting me past this complacency and if i kept up my pace from the past three years, i could expect to hit goal sometime in june 2012. uncool. so i decided to shell out the $50 my grandma gives me for christmas and birthday, like clockwork, on a special new year's rate for a year membership (normally $75, or $9/month). first i did a weeklong free trial between christmasish and the third and, frankly, i did little more than track what i mindlessly ate. but these last few days-- i'm all food and exercise planned for today, too-- i've really gotten into it. you set your own carb, fat, protein, cholesterol and fiber goals with their recommendation. they also suggest a calorie goal which you can change, but they don't encourage it. i'm not exactly IN LOVE with the food database since i don't eat out much and when i do it's usually not big-chain places, but i'm slowly getting my usual foods added.

now, so far i have not lost any weight on calorieking (day 3 for serious, mind you). i feel like i'm eating a HUGE amount (1390 calories, plus 209 from shredding) but i'm kind of making myself do it for a month, at least. i mean, shit, i've paid in full! but i think this is going to work. and i love the green checks (when i'm in my calorie range for the day) like... well, like i love cake. bonus points? my guts are doing their job without complaint... thanks to seeing that i normally consume about 5g of fiber a day. hello, fruits, veggies and whole grains! i also expect to see my hair getting thicker and my nails stronger (the rd i was seeing last year said that's about protein) because i'm eating protein THREE MEALS A DAY. and one snack! sometimes two!

i feel like a total pig, but it's getting easier. and i hope shredding does, too. i take SEVERAL 5-second breaks to catch my breath. but. if you want results from 20 minutes a day, you have to give those 20 minutes every. fucking. thing. you've. got.

here's my hat (i'm staying where i'm at)

a couple days ago i heard matthew broderick singing "before the parade passes by" on the radio (i know, i can't explain it either.) and then yesterday i whipped out the immortal ephram levi when i said, "money is like manure... it's not worth a thing unless it's spread about encouraging young things to grow." and for some reason i feel like carol channing in a big hat today.

because i fucking DID IT.

i did hit my calorie & nutrition goals, despite having to drink 8oz of light egg nog to get there and i SHREDDED. and dude... DUDE. ouch. so, a little science lesson: vertical motion is HARD. it's harder than horizontal motion. i don't know why, but i bet it has to do with GRAVITY. the shred? is ALL ABOUT jumping: jumping jacks, "butt-kicks", squat-presses, up, down, up, down, up. the. whole. time. let me tell you, i've done a LOT of exercise videos and i've NEVER been GRATEFUL to get to the BICYCLE CRUNCHES before.

i'm sore today. and i woke up hungry (this, i think, is good). i made five of my famous giant cookies (chocolate chippers in an 8 inch tart pan) for my trainer-in-training brother to take skiing and i refused to give them up until he showed me a really good stretch for my calves. "i can do that!" he chirped. then he paused. "can you hold up your own body weight?"

i'm doing it right now, aren't i?

but seriously folks, YES, as a matter of fact, i CAN. and DID. for the 30 seconds it took to prove i could do that stretch before he peace'd out and i DIED.

i read on a calorieking message board that jm herself recommends shredding 4 or 5 days a week-- not 30 days IN A ROW. so i'm taking weekends off, i think, well, actually just cross training on weekends. thus, the 30-day shred will take 6 weeks. i'm okay with that. and right after, i'll start my classes. and after that: RUNNING.

so, anyway. that's the good news. bad news? the tuesday drop brought me... right down to where i was last tuesday. 169.4. i predict... i predict i'll be down ten or fifteen pounds and an easy size 12 by the end of the month.

EXCITING UPDATE!

my food scale & 30-day shred are arriving TODAY! so, after work i'll have dinner, clean my workout area, bake cookies with my brother for his snowboarding trip and then get shredded! i'm excited. i think i might even have the husband take some before pics for me, so i can see the difference FOR REAL.

get ready

well. isn't that disappointing. aside from the fact that i can't recall a Tuesday Drop in recent history that could knock me down to the weight i boasted i would see on my first weigh-in of the new year, but my food scale and 30-day shred haven't arrived! and might not until TOMORROW! woe is me.

(also: was total pig for two. days. straight.)

the good news is that, despite a really unhappy number staring up at me this morning after a three-day absence from the scale, i actually ate breakfast today! it wasn't my good, well-planned, nutritious breakfast, but it was a start. (it was 2 slices of ezekiel raisin toast with apple butter and 2 strips of facon, if you're curious, and black coffee.) AND i packed 2 clementines and will buy a nice, healthy lunch. dinner will be either chicken burgers or chicken sausages with... other foods. i haven't gotten that far.

i'm trying really hard to suppress the negativity i feel about my body right now because, for one thing, it's that time of the month (AGAIN) and that's never nice and for another, well, i'm going to be working out hardcore by tomorrow at the latest, so i'll feel better then. right?

national diet-starting day

(or is it maybe international?)

so. this may not be news if you've been reading a while, or if you know me in real life... which.. got i hope it's just the one of you. but. six years ago (today!) i was assaulted (in a, you know, parts-that-your-bathing-suit-covers way) and i'll be damned if that fucking piece of shit hasn't managed to ruin a perfectly nice opportunity for champagne and kissing for the rest of my goddamn life. or, you know, at least these past five years.

and it doesn't help that four days ago several of my facebook friends became facebook friends with him. fucking facebook, man!

or that i was out of town with my brothers & husband at my uncles' house.

with a bunch of strangers (the party consisted of me, my husband & 2 brothers, and eight middle-aged gay guys-- AWESOME, no, really, it was great, for a while).

and under lots of stress re: husbands academic/professional aspirations and how they KEEP FUCKING CHANGING.

but i've been a goddamn wreck. since... um, about 3pm yesterday. so, despite maintaining a good deal of control with wednesday's food-- aside from the SMALL slice of red velvet cake and three kettle one & clubs-- and being fairly good about breakfast yesterday-- supplementing my huge heap of grapefruit with a teeny sliver of coffee cake-- and being AWESOME at a cafeteria-style lunch--hello, spring mix, chicken, hard boiled egg, dipping my fork in ranch and an apple-- i basically went bat shit crazy with the eating & drinking from about 5pm yesterday until... now.

calorie counts since i joined calorieking for my free trial:

• sunday 12/27: 2780!! (i know, right?)
• monday 12/28: 1760
  
• tuesday 12/29: 1309 (in range! 1290-1390)
• wednesday 12/30: 1853
• thursday 12/31: 2095
• friday 1/1: 1754

so, tonight i made myself a little weekday plan that i THINK will work. but it's a CRAZY lot of food. check it out:

• breakfast: muffin tin spinach omelette with 1 egg, 1 egg white and 1/2 cup of chopped spinach; 2 low fat multi-grain waffles with 1 tablespoon of apple butter each; coffee, black.
• am snack: medium apple with 1/2 roasted almonds.
• lunch: 3 cups of spring mix, 3 ounces chicken & 1/2 ounce ceasar dressing; 15 whole grain crackers.
• pm snack: 1 cup grapefruit.
• dinner: 4 ounces protein; 1 serving high-fiber carb (hello, potato!); 1 cup veggies

calories: 1315; fat: 42g; carb: 120g; protein: 80g; fiber: 25g.

shwhew. it's more fat than i'd really like, but my doctor (who suggested i try alli since she had a patient who lost 15 pounds with no side effects!) always said to try to stay under 50 grams... and i have. i'm really following calorieking's guidelines for the macro-nutrients here because... i don't know enough.

doesn't that look like a shit-ton of food? doesn't it look like... too much? oh. well. i'm giving it a full month, along with jillian (dear amazon: anticipated delivery january FIFTH? come the fuck on, really?) and i'll adjust from there if i need to.

but, boy, am i going to feel like a smacked ass when i realize that i wasn't eating enough 2/3 of the time. (the other third of was eating very poorly, of course, also NOT HELPFUL.)

so, what it comes down to is... i'm flushing any remaining cigarettes on sunday. i'm eating right and exercising daily. and i'm finishing this once and for all.

pretty optimistic for a chick who's spent the last 33 hours crying, no?

new year's resolutions: lose 25-35 pounds. take yoga and get bendy. quit smoking once and for all. ring in 2011 on my terms.