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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

the leap to LEEP (or: precancerous. some more.)

whoa. WHOA. holy fucknutballs. there are not words bad enough for how i feel. i'm scared out of my ever-lovin' mind, for one.

my cervix is precancerous-- "moderate dysplasia"-- and i have to have surgical treatment. either LEEP or conization, i guess? i was... distracted, to say the least, when she told me. but i go in next tuesday to discuss.

you guys. fuck. i've never had surgery before.

thus far, i haven't talked to my family about this stuff. my husband, of course, and three friends, but i need my family. i need you all. i need all the support i can get. so, let's start with you.

friends, bloggers, interwebs, leave me a comment. tell me one or more of the following things:
  1. what is general anesthesia like? i can only imagine that movie where the guy was conscious but paralyzed and jessica alba was trying to kill him. that movie sucked monkey balls.
  2. do you think i'm going to have to have a catheter? i'm mortally afraid of catheters. do they insert/remove them when you're out?
  3. how can i phrase this news to my family to make it clear that any questions that are not helpful (do you have hpv?* where did you get it from, you skanky ho?** don't you realize you brought this on yourself?***) will cause me to cut you out of my life without being a total bitch?
  4. since my last pre-cancerous event has been dubbed "clark" (because it was a clark's nevus), what shall we name my abnormal lady business? lois? lewis? merrell? gimme something good!
and, listen, if you know some nice interweb people... i will accept their kind words, positive thoughts and inappropriately humorous comments. i feel creepy just saying that, but i really need support!

*yes. just found out! that sucker's SNEAKY.
**good question. probably from all the skanky ho'ing i did in college.****
***fuck off.

****or from one of the long-term monogamous relationships i was in.


Anonymous said...

1) general anesthesia always makes me sick afterwards (I've had surgery 3 times)but when they knock you out, you're out and when you wake up, you're up. There is no "movie like' inbetween, floating above your body bullshit. Well at least not normall!

2)I don't think so.

3)Most people don't firstly think "what caused it" they usually ask "how are you dealing with it, are you okay, what are the risks". Don't over think this and fuck off if they do ask you, it's none of their business and this very well may have nothing to do with your past sexual experiences. I'm sure even the purest of virgins can also have precancerous cells in their cervix (my BFF did and she didn't ho around, if that's helpful) which is why they encourage paps even if you aren't sexually active.

you know where you can find me...

Pantrypuff said...

I've had three surgeries, three under general anesthesia. It's a little scary, wondering "Holy hell, are they going to cut before I'm asleep????" But that never happened. Everything always turned out fine.

All of the surgeries were for "girl stuff," and turned out just fine.

I know it's freaky, but hopefully everything will work out well. I know your friends and family will be a huge source of support... Good luck!