count down to goal

Monday, March 15, 2010

in which i make excuses

remember that pre-cancerous mole i had removed in the fall? i mean, it's not like i EXPECT you to remember... that's why i gave you the link.

well, six months later, another routine, preventative-medicine type test has come back "abnormal." i found out on friday afternoon. this weekend i danced, and drank, and ate, and smoked my way to coping. and you know what? i don't feel okay. i don't feel BETTER. i don't feel SAFE. and i don't know how else to cope.

my doctor is on vacation this week. i go for more testing on tuesday. i've done the research. it's unlikely that i'm not fine-- because i get my regular check-ups, because most "abnormal" tests are fine. and it's unlikely that even if i'm not i will actually die of this (1200 deaths in every 13000 diagnoses).

but i can't seem to stop myself from announcing things like, "if i have to have chemo, we'll buzz my [18" long] hair as soon as it starts to fall out" and "we need to start keeping track of medical expenses for next years taxes-- oh, remind me to show you how to do your taxes" and other things that make my husband walk away.

i'm fine. i'm going to be fine. i weigh just about what i did in november: 166.6.

1 comment:

Weighing in w/ my .02 said...

I can totally see how those things would creep into your mind even if there is hardly a chance in hell that they'll actually happen. You seem to go into "prepare" mode when things are changing, and that's not a bad thing! Hell, it's the scouts honor isn't it? Be Prepared! Now if you can go into "prepare yet stay on track mode", now that's a challenge!

Let us know how it works out okay! I'll be thinking of you!