the leap to LEEP (or: precancerous. some more.)

whoa. WHOA. holy fucknutballs. there are not words bad enough for how i feel. i'm scared out of my ever-lovin' mind, for one.

my cervix is precancerous-- "moderate dysplasia"-- and i have to have surgical treatment. either LEEP or conization, i guess? i was... distracted, to say the least, when she told me. but i go in next tuesday to discuss.

you guys. fuck. i've never had surgery before.

thus far, i haven't talked to my family about this stuff. my husband, of course, and three friends, but i need my family. i need you all. i need all the support i can get. so, let's start with you.

friends, bloggers, interwebs, leave me a comment. tell me one or more of the following things:

1. what is general anesthesia like? i can only imagine that movie where the guy was conscious but paralyzed and jessica alba was trying to kill him. that movie sucked monkey balls.
   
2. do you think i'm going to have to have a catheter? i'm mortally afraid of catheters. do they insert/remove them when you're out?
3. how can i phrase this news to my family to make it clear that any questions that are not helpful (do you have hpv?* where did you get it from, you skanky ho?** don't you realize you brought this on yourself?***) will cause me to cut you out of my life without being a total bitch?
4. since my last pre-cancerous event has been dubbed "clark" (because it was a clark's nevus), what shall we name my abnormal lady business? lois? lewis? merrell? gimme something good!
   

and, listen, if you know some nice interweb people... i will accept their kind words, positive thoughts and inappropriately humorous comments. i feel creepy just saying that, but i really need support!




*yes. just found out! that sucker's SNEAKY.
**good question. probably from all the skanky ho'ing i did in college.****
***fuck off.

****or from one of the long-term monogamous relationships i was in.

163.8

a number so nice it titles its own post!

no, that's not the number that nearly made me pee my pants yesterday, but if i hadn't seen that number, i'd be totally thrilled to see this one, right?

so... i have to make 5 cakes. this week. normally, that would be fine. normally, i'd be able to do them in a day. lately? not so much...

last night i had bk and i walked home, then made dinner, ate dinner, had a phone date with my skinniest friend and watched chuck. tonight i have a chiropractor appointment-- eeep! i'm hoping this guy can take away the lower back pain that is getting WORSE the stronger i get. i've never been to a chiro before, and if he touches my neck, i'ma have to cutabitch. srsly. tomorrow i have spinning PLUS and extra half hour of weights! thursday we have date night/therapy. friday, thank god, i have off. but at least two of the cakes have to be done BEFORE then!

i go out-- to WORK OUT-- almost every night now. it's odd. we used to eat dinner at 5:30, and now it's closer to 8. and i don't feel *starving* and *weak* between 3pm and dinner like i used to! i eat a protein bar or small snack and it gets me through.

well... this weekend. this weekend is easter. good news for the lentals, no? it's tough. it's a four-day weekend for me (off friday because... catholicism is pervasive here and it's a tiny company that can get away with that; off monday to get my first FOUR fillings, hooray) which generally means a lot of lethargy. so, planning ahead!

since a lot of friday & saturday will be spent cooking (and some sunday), i predict some GIANT cups of coke zero from the wa. and gum. that gum thing? like the tv trainers are always awkwardly endorsing? TOTES works. thanks tra, for thinking of it! at the big family events, i'm finding that the longer i hold off on eating and (wine) drinking, the better. so that's what i'll do. bring my seltzer water and wait. and wait. until i just can't wait anymore. monday, i think, shouldn't be a problem. i'll have boo boo teeth. maybe i'll make some creamy potato/cauliflower soup? that sounds pretty nice.

okay, and then, NEXT weekend? is a little crazy. my dearest darling is headed south to visit his family on thursday morning. lucky bugger, huh? thursday, i'll go shopping (!!) with the recovering actor (!!!) and i'm shooting to be -75 by then so she can take me a progress pic (pretty please?) with her kickass new camera since my is... indisposed. with being broken. friday, i suddenly have plans with my skinniest friend and a bottle of champagne! so exciting. i was planning on getting a massage and eating a nice meal out with my book, but this sounds good, too. and then, ooh-la-la, and then.

saturday & sunday i'm doing the french women don't get fat "leek soup kick-off weekend." silly? yes. detoxifying? only for my head. effective? possibly. mainly, i'm thinking of it as a diy spa weekend. i'll do little skin & hair treatments. maybe wax my legs. main/pedi with my new favorite nail polish. basically, chill out, relax and consume some three pounds of leeks. followed by a lean protein & fresh produce meal. monday will be back to business as usual... until i have to pick up my sweetie at the airport. that's never fun.

honey-do

more like "honey-did?"

not the usual, honey, did you clean the litterbox/do the dishes/ call your mom/ ask your dad/ check the inspection (late!)/ look for that service plan?

it was "HONEY, DID YOU JOSTLE THE SCALE AT ALL?!?"

ummm, no. he moved it. gently. and reset it, or whatever.

which doesn't explain the RIDICULOUS number i saw this morning. i might pee myself. i hope i can tell you it tomorrow. SQUEE.

yesterday we went to my favorite place, target, and picked up a some sweet dumbbell bars and 5# & 10# weights. we have 40#s of plates. i'm going to add in a half hour of upper body weights on wednesdays. yes, after spinning.

OH! and yesterday i TOTALLY went to the track and did week 1, workout 2! only 10 days after workout 1! i've decided that i really have to go in the mornings, so i'm doing wo 3 tomorrow morning and then moving on to week 2 on thursday.

so, no news to report on the hooha front. finally got my damn period, though. delightful.

it's another monday morning here... confused and sleepy. and maybe a little overwhelmed.



ps-- dear universe, also a trip to amsterdam to meet my backup spouse?? and smoke some legal weed.

a gentle plea to the universe for a friday afternoon

please, let me not have cancer, just now when i'm learning to appreciate my healthy body!

please, let me exercise restraint in the face of grandma's cooking, mom's bitching, hard work and general exhaustion.

please, give me the will to hit the track on sunday to do w1, wo2, nine days after wo1.

please, let me be thin and rich.

preferably without having to be deprived in any way.

maybe a financial miracle and one of those "happiness diets" would do the trick?

please, give me a chance.

take a bullet for me?

• bk kicked my ass sideways last night... when will i learn to tell him EVERY workout makes me sore?
• i ate purple jellybeans for dinner. and an egg for dessert. a chicken egg, not a cadbury egg.
• there was a missed call with no message on my phone shortly before 5 when i would not be near a computer for 5 hours. so i called my gyn's office to ask if it was them. wasn't. later i reverse look-uped it and it was a tailor. weird.
  
• i've been bleeding from the biopsy since tuesday and now it's *real* bleeding... oh, yes, that time of the month... a visit from whatever euphemistic aunt you prefer... my sacred moon time.
  
• i'm going to a chiropractor next week as my lower back pain has only INCREASED since i've been working & stretching it regularly.
  
• we're going to my grandmother's for dinner tonight. mmm, lasagna.
• i'm f'ing tired. and i don't seem to ever get to rest.
  

guilt

i went to spinning last night. i went even though i didn't WANT to. i went even though my bits still hurt. i went even thought i was sleepy. i went because i need something to take my mind off the waiting.

i went easy on myself. if it was getting really hard, i didn't increase my resistance a FULL turn, more like 2/3. i feel terribly guilty. i mean, i worked, i sweated and i sighed with relief when we got to turn the resistance down again (audibly), but i probably could have pushed harder.

when i got home, i made my lunch for today (1.5 serving of whole wheat pasta, 2 turkey meatballs and a serving of asparagus) and my breakfast (magical french toast) because my dearest one is fasting again today. I KNOW. but he also has a physical and he needs to do this his way. so. later, i'll walk 1.75 miles to the non-tj's grocery store in this town and pick up a BOX of those protein bars. ooooh, delicious processed proteiny chocolate product.

then later i'll probably have bk and my half hour walk home.

oh. well, i'm all over the place today. ALL over. i'm tense and tired and i'm really, truly afraid of what i might find out (any minute now) from my biopsy.

i just... yeah. i dunno.

almost anticlimax

it would seem i was more afraid of the test than the possible results. today? i feel like a tremendous weight (HA!) is off my shoulders. that's nice.

the test was awful. as i hinted a little yesterday, it was a colposcopy, a follow-up to an abnormal pap. ahhhh, preventative medicine. here's the thing about abnormal paps IF you get yours annually:

1. it might be nothing-- a yeast infection, a million other things
2. it might be SOMETHING that will go away on its own and you have to have more frequent paps until it does
3. it might be SOMETHING that's probably fine but potentially precancerous, in which case, they MIGHT want to freeze, cut or electrocute the abnormal bits off.
4. it might be precancerous
5. it might be cancer
6. if it's cancer, it's so incredibly early there's like a 99% survival rate-- especially, i suppose, if you're willing to get rid of your uterus post-haste, which i am

honestly, i was well chilled from mother's little helpers and it was no worse (though longer) than a pap... except the biopsy. YOWSER. ever wonder what it feels like to have someone take a fingernail clipper to your cervix? DON'T. the best part, though, was when my doctor was like, wow, you've got some really strong blood vessels and the ma went a got one of those postpartum-size maxi pads out of a drawer.

so, anyway. i feel pretty good, except for the site of my 2nd hpv vaccine shot (LONG STORY) which hurts like a sonofabitch and if i recall from two years ago when i got the first one, will for the next month. hooray. as e asked, my hooha is okay. for now. eta: i won't get the actual results for a week or so, and i don't think it's *great* news that i needed a biopsy, but i was fine last year. so.

it is wrong and sick and fucked up that i have actually thought, well, if it's cancer and i have chemo, i'll be sure to lose a few pounds. i think i feel free to have that kind of thought because dr. google practically promised i won't die.

so. anyway. i got my traditional post-gyno sbux. (come one. who among us doesn't feel like she deserves a treat after being violated by a mascara brush??) ordered my light frappe, picked up my chicken & veggie wraps and the BAM would you like a free pastry? WOULD I?! i got a reduced fat banana chocolate chip coffee cake. and i made it fit in my calories. i also had a pretty stunning dinner of scrambled eggs with broccoli. the trick is to put the broccoli in first. NOM.

oh, and i suppose i'll update to today's less-than-thrilling weight: 165.6.

fake smiling

my office roommate left at 4.

"alrighty," he said, as always, that last blast of nasal annoyingness worse, but somehow more bearable that the 7 hours of non-stop talk because, oh, god, it's OVER, "i'll see ya tomorra!"

"no you won't!" i replied brightly, "i won't be here!" only after i spoke did i realize he could see my face and plastered on the fake smile.

"oh, yeah, ya got any exciting plans?"

i got a hot date with a speculum, a microscope and a few xanies.

"i'm going to sleep ALL DAY," i half-truthed.

i feel like vomiting. i'm so fucking scared.

i spent most of the night running from vampires

sometimes i wake up exhausted after DREAMING that i'm being really active. last night it was being chased by vampires, knowing that there was a safe place and i could find it, but not knowing how to get there.

it was like 30 days of night + daybreakers / buffy the vampire slayer with a sprinkle of college.

i am tired.

my weight is up a bit from friday's low, but nothing to be concerned about. i did PRETTY WELL on my plan for the weekend. a quick roundup:

• i did c25k week 1, workout 1 on friday night!
• saturday i made breakfast: turkey bacon, scrambled egg + white, ezekiel toast.
• lunch was wawa sandwiches. hubs downsized to a whole wheat shortie meatball sub and i hit upon the genius idea to get a turkey junior with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickles-- no cheese or oil. it was delicious and fresh and flavorful for 200 calories!
• dinner i planned for 2 ipas and a burger with lettuce, tomato, onion & pickle. i went over by ONE piece of italian potato salad, ONE dorito, two damn chocolates and a bowl of nutella mousse... which. sigh. i intended to clean the kitchen while the family ate dessert. when i came back to the table, my mother had placed a custard bowl at my place and... i tasted it. and then i ate it. it was amazing.
  
• i planed to do wo 2 on sunday morning but i slept too late and had to get ready for ssil's shower instead. i decided not to drink at the shower so i could wog after.
  
• but i spent, in addition to the three and a half hour shower, three hours in the car while my mother bitched and moaned about how everyone (including my poor, innocent ssil, whose shower & wedding my mother has been OBSESSED with going to!) was "eating" her weekend. and about how she needed to lose 14 pounds. the irony of her pie/weekend metaphor was lost on her. i had two glasses of wine.
  
• and then i took a nap & recreated the bacon & egg meal for my dinner.
  

and now it's today!

everyone noticed how amazing i looked in my red dress. alas, my camera is dead. like... DEAD dead. i thought it was just the battery. we're looking for the service plan and hoping it was for 2 years. but i WANTED to show you.

so... 165 for real today and i'm sliding back into consistency today. i have dinner planned out and bk tonight. i think i can end march at least as low as i ended february, but on a trustworthy scale.


ps-- expect some radio silence tomorrow because i have that follow-up test in the morning and, well, i'm gonna take a xanax or four, which means i'll probably sleep the rest of the day. wish me luck!

i lied: a fast story

shortly before i met him, my husband lost some 80 pounds by fasting on alternate days. yes, really. when we met, he was about 220 (and 5'11") and felt really good about himself-- which is apparently why this mild-mannered, nearly shy man apparently felt totally confident offer a girl he'd just met a ride home tomorrow if she'd come out to the bar after the wedding. ummm, yeah. ANYWAY.

by OUR wedding, about 15 months later (yes, really) he was probably about 315. he ate every day; i cooked all the foods i thought would impress him: mac & cheese, lasagna, garlic mashed potatoes, etc., etc., etc. ...

don't worry, i did some damage myself during that time. in the first half of it, i gained 50 pounds. yes. really.

it's been 3.5 years (monday!) since then and, as y'all know, i've lost 70something (70.6 today) pounds. he? has probably gained 25. only, it really wasn't all my fault. i cook much healthier now! there's hardly ever a cream sauce! it's just that, well, he doesn't really eat breakfast, has a sandwich and 3 pieces of fruit during the day, twice as much as i have at dinner, a snack or two before bed, and rarely moves. i mean... kind of at all. he deeply resents anything that causes perspiration. which is damn near everything when you're 340 pounds. or at least, 340 pounds and in no shape at all.

we've all probably heard (or heard of) people who want to tell their spouse, dude, you got FAT: fix it! and if you've ever been anyone's fat spouse, fat kid or fat friend, you know that HE ALREADY KNOWS. and will do something about it when he (or she) damn well pleases. it was on the ck discussion boards twice in the past week-- women worried that their husband's size medium tee shirts showed a lil belly at the hem! worried that he dares to think he is healthy just because he runs 6 miles four times a week, but he eats seconds at dinner! worried that his little fat-n-happy gut, or maybe his little beer belly will give him high cholesterol (correlation does not = causation, folks)! i'm not trying to mock their fears, it's just... i shop for 3xls. my husband declines to walk anywhere, even once when our rent was going to be late if he didn't, he asked me to drop it off, and our landlord is less than a mile away. my husband stops breathing at night with increasing frequency for increasing lengths of time.

i told him.

of course i did! how can you expect me to take my own advice??

but i told him the facts, about his breathing. about his discomfort. about his sadness. about my fears. and then? i backed the fuck off. that was... oh, six weeks ago? or more?

last night he did the dishes. after he finished he lay in bed and i knew something was wrong. he was exhausted. from doing the dishes. granted, there were a lot, but i guess he saw some pictures lately on stalkerbook that didn't make him feel very good.

today, he's fasting. but he doesn't intend to do it every other day-- just occasionally. he does not want to eat snacks anymore. he would like me to make only two servings of dinner from now on. he's not eating breakfast. we're going shopping for heavier weights this weekend.

this is the decision he has made, so this is what he's going to do. it's not my favorite, but he already knows.

i will make him one serving of dinner. i will help him in anyway that he asks. and i will buy a box of those special k candy/protein bars to eat for dinner when he is fasting because i know for a fact it is cruel to cook when someone in the tiny apartment can't eat.


...


so. what's goin' on??

this weekend my gay uncle is in town. YOWSER. he's been around a lot lately because his sister is dying. it's awful sad. but we're irish! we just DROWN our feelings!

saturday is the big day-- that day he's visiting his sister in hospice and then we're having a big dinner and, oh, the BOOOOOZE. my big plan? lean & green, seltzer like it's going out of style. drinks AFTER the meal. not exactly fail-safe, i know, but it's a PLAN. sunday is the shower for my stepsister-in-law. i expect the food to kind of suck since it's being held at a jersey italian place. probably buffet. certainly open bar. i'm thinking, same deal: lean & green, club soda, one drink, one dessert. it will help that i'm going to wear a DRESS and some WICKED heels that my love gave me for my birthday (i know it says 2.5"+, but i promise it's about 4")-- crazy heels don't lend themselves to running back and forth to the bar OR getting so drunk that walking is difficult. and the dress hasn't fit since 2003.

short on sleep

ahem. last night i stayed up until midnight. MID. NIGHT.

bad idea.

after spinning (which i still <3 despite the fact that old ladies took our seats and i had to look at myself in the mirror and DAMN i've never sweated so much in my LIFE) e came up for a cigarette. she quit when last i did, but we both realize that the key to pulling this off is having one occasionally, socially, so that we don't end up doing a swan dine off the wagon. i had a harp then, and we watched the revelers from my balcony.

after she left, i checked my ck diary and realized i was supposed to get a "no-pudge" brownie-- the mix that you add fat free yogurt to? they are so good-- but first i wanted to chill a little while, so i watched last week's chuck and then grabbed a shower. bu the time i was out, it was about quarter to 11. mister man was at a friend's house. i make the brownies because, while i don't eat back exercise calories, i do realize it's important to fuel my body. (it's working, btw, i'm down a full pound from monday!)

i also made this morning's breakfast so i would be sure to get a filling, wholesome, balanced meal when i woke up cranky. and boy, did i wake up cranky.

i have no idea how i'm going to deal with today. coffee, i guess.

i have dr. y, which means a ruby tuesday meal of smart eating petite sirloin with mashed cauliflower and broccoli. yum. then i have bk for 60 minutes and a half-hour walk home. then? ANOTHER BROWNIE. i freeze them as soon as i make them in my awesome pre-portioned brownie pan. and then i microwave one for 25 seconds or so and ooooh, is so goooood. really, they are delicious and don't taste like ass. which is a nice quality in a 130 calorie brownie.

was that a tangent? probably. i should get another cup of coffee.

better

yesterday was better. much. i think that probably has to do with the 90-minute workout. OH YEAH. bk and i had our usual hour session and then i walked home-- it's only about 2 miles, but after wall sits and standing on the bosu ball doing curls and presses and the bridges... i got home in 30 minutes. feeling TEH AWESOME.

until i realized that my husband STILL has not done the dishes and i am at the point where i generally go on strike-- refuse to even go IN the kitchen-- having cleared out the sink and set everything up on the counter the way he likes at least two days ago. instead, for budget and for fitness, i cleaned a pot, two frying pans, two bowls, two forks and two wooden spoons and got to work. i made us a lovely chicken-and-broccoli stir-fry: his with sauce, mine without. and rice. and now we have no clean dishes... again.

i came in under my calorie target but over fat because i didn't care for the wine i'd been given, so i dumped it and ate a piece of chocolate instead. and i had ONE cigarette.

today... i SPIN. <3 spinning. focus on: WATER, calories, fat. make tomorrow's breakfast.

impatience

i am not a patient person. waiting is... not really my thing.

i am smoking. a genius plan from someone awaiting a test to see if she has cancer, no?

i am eating things i, frankly, probably shouldn't (haagen-dazs single serving cups were on sale).

last night a zonked out at 8pm rather than, i dunno, live my life as planned?

...

patience.

today is a better day. because i say so.

today i am going to stick to my calories (and my guns). i am going to drink my seltzer to rehydrate (when i'm dehydrated i can't stand water) and then drink my waters to stay hydrated. i'm going to bk and walking home. i'm not going to go way over my fats like i have been (see: haagen-dazs). i'm going to do both of my natural anti-depressants and have a glass of wine.

i'm not going to obsess.

in which i make excuses

remember that pre-cancerous mole i had removed in the fall? i mean, it's not like i EXPECT you to remember... that's why i gave you the link.

well, six months later, another routine, preventative-medicine type test has come back "abnormal." i found out on friday afternoon. this weekend i danced, and drank, and ate, and smoked my way to coping. and you know what? i don't feel okay. i don't feel BETTER. i don't feel SAFE. and i don't know how else to cope.

my doctor is on vacation this week. i go for more testing on tuesday. i've done the research. it's unlikely that i'm not fine-- because i get my regular check-ups, because most "abnormal" tests are fine. and it's unlikely that even if i'm not i will actually die of this (1200 deaths in every 13000 diagnoses).

but i can't seem to stop myself from announcing things like, "if i have to have chemo, we'll buzz my [18" long] hair as soon as it starts to fall out" and "we need to start keeping track of medical expenses for next years taxes-- oh, remind me to show you how to do your taxes" and other things that make my husband walk away.

i'm fine. i'm going to be fine. i weigh just about what i did in november: 166.6.

oh, OW

after my last session (monday) with bk he texted me to ask how i was feeling. great! i chirped, if one can chirp via text message, i'm totally getting the hang of this!

wrong. answer.

last night he kicked my ass so hard that i elected not to walk home after, despite the lovely weather and how nice the walk was on monday. today i am SORE. and yet? not weighing less. at all. probably because i ate a bunch of junk (not actual junk, we don't have ACTUAL junk) last night. or maybe because i've been having a hard time, er, GOING. or... who knows?

i want to wog (walk/jog) tonight, but of course it's RAINING. so we'll see.

i bought a pair of sweaters with a boscov's gift card from my husband's grandmother. both cardigans, one cream and one gray leopard print. the cream is specifically for wearing with my sex-ay red ann taylor dress to ssil's shower, but the gray leopard was just because a) it was $7! b) i <3 gray and c) i puffy, pink <3 leopard print. the cream one fits like a dream. the gray? like, eight sizes too small. they're both mediums. so disappointing.

whoa

summer? is coming up. i mean, i kinda just noticed. i've been focused on The Wedding and the trip to florida in septemeber and, of course, grad school, so i missed that in between there? SUMMER.

i wonder what i'll wear...

so much for that streak

alas, i lost only .2 pounds yesterday. but i'm okay with that. because i lost weight. i don't know if it's the new scale or the exercise (i'm reaching 6 weeks now, so my body should have adjusted or whatever) but it really makes me happy to actually see something change.

spinning was great and i'm looking forward to my workout tonight. and tomorrow! a wog! i'm going to try for, basically, week 1, workout 1 of c25k. i'm actually starting to know-- ahead of time-- that exercise will make me feel good. and that's pretty cool.

so, i'm hoping that i can bring in 2-3 days a week of wogging now for something like 2.5 hours of cardio and 2 hours of strength training a week.

i'm becoming an exerciser.

she runs marathons

my girlfriend from high school called me a few weeks ago. out of the blue. we were close in high school and she visited me once in college, but we're not phone people. and i assumed she'd stuck with the crowd that randomly decided they hated me, oh, halfway through the senior week that i had organized. so i went to her house last night.

kt has always been athletic. and brilliant. and talented. just to give you an idea? she performed in the local pro production of the nutcracker (as a kid) for 6 years, she got a 1590 sat, is applying to med school, never cracked a book through 4 years at an ivy league school and didn't fail anything, plays golf, sight-reads and plays the piano, can walk into any pick-up game of anything and be awesome, and is just generally frickin perfect. lately, she's been competing in triathlons. "just sprints!" she protests. and last year she ran the dc marathon.

her advice to me? just sign up for a 5k in... may. may will be plenty of time. i laughed in her face, of course, because IT IS MARCH. but it irritated that little nagging question i've had... will it be easier? will THIS be the time jogging doesn't suck dirty balls for me? could i lace up my shoes and do week one of c25k without dying right now?

and i'm kinda thinking YES. so... i'm going to try. er, friday. (tonight i spin, tomorrow i have session 11 with bk with a walk home, so, friday.)

so... yeah. it's earlier than i'd planned to get back to it, but the weather is unbeatable and i feel good about it. plus, i'd love to lose 10-15 pounds before the Big Family Wedding.

and, btw, down another pound today to 166. le sigh. maybe i'll keep up this pace for a couple more days and get to that pretty number mom's scale gave me...

bonus post in which i pout

the dress?? the size-eight-final-sale-j-crew-now-or-never dress? is even cheaper now. god. damnit.

well... that's a blow to the ol' ego

167.0

all weekend i joked that if i didn't gain five pounds, my birthday had been a failure.

umm... success?

it was 168.0 yesterday, though.


in any case. life goes on (oh blah dee). last night i had the good sense to eat a snack bar before working out later than usual. it made a huge difference. i had a special k protein meal bar in chocolate-peanut butter. basically, it tasted like candy. but later i had protein-powder burps. ew. umm, let me handle this in a more organized fashion.

PROS: tasted like candy; 10g protein, 5g fiber; got me through my workout with flying colors.
CONS: 180 calories, 6g fat; >0.5g trans fats, but trans fats nonetheless; protein powder burps.
VERDICT: i'd get it again, if i needed the energy, but i'm not going to add it to my grocery list.

so... then i walked home (1.5-2 miles) in about 40 minutes. all in all, i had a very fit/healthy/weight-lossy day.

but i also had a really crappy day. work is crazy in a bad way and the irs is questioning my refund-- because it's huge, because i didn't make nearly as much money as i expected to last year and they don't want to give the money i DID make back-- and i'm pretty tired.

anyway, today is a new day. it's gorgeous out again and i might walk to tj's for lunch since we have essentially no food in the house. except turkey bacon.

birthday weekend: an account

friday i...

• ordered mu shu veggies for lunch and didn't eat the rice or pancakes.
  
• made my leftover rice into veggie fried rice at home-- lots of it.
  
• washed it down with a beer and two brownies while i watched most of season 1 of united states of tara, which is surprisingly good.

saturday we...

• got sbux for breakfast: a light frap and turkey bacon/egg white sandwich for me, no cheese.
  
• drove to rehoboth beach to eat/drink at dogfish head-- we ordered the dogpile and a canary for one, neither of which i liked, so i ordered a side of fries to soak up the pint of indian brown ale (7% abv) and glass of palo santo marron (12% abv) i imbibed.
• picked up a 12 ounce bottle of world wide stout (18% abv) to take home.
  
• hit up the rehoboth beach chocolate for samples of various brownies, cakes and pies (while drunk!).
  
• stopped at the ann taylor factory store to be SORELY disappointed in the prices... but still considered buying a pair of size 12 "curvy" bootcut jeans that fit perfectly. but, really? $45 AT THE OUTLET? puh-leez.
  
• bought a pack of marlboro lights. smoked one.
• bought beer for my mini birthday barty-- 6 dogfish head 60 minute ipa, 6 victory golden monkey and a case of yeungling lager cans.
  
• and a lindt white chocolate truffle bar.
  
• had 2 ipas & a lager at my birthday party.
  
• and a ton of tortilla & potato chips. a zillion calories.
• and 3 pieces of cake.
• and two cupcakes.
• and a lot of the truffle.
• stopped counting calories.
  
• smoked 5 or 6 more cigarettes and then gave away all but 1.
  

sunday we...

• saw alice in wonderland and had movie snacks for breakfast-- pretzel bites & more truffle with coke zero.
• munched on some crackers and seltzer.
  
• went to my folk's house for a sumptuous dinner of stuffed pork chops, brussels sprouts roasted with bacon and pine nuts, asparagus with lemon butter dressing, slow-cooked lima beans, batter-fried cauliflower and mashed potatoes. followed by a semi-frodo cake with white chocolate mousse, honey-almond mousse and baked meringue. and 4+ glasses of pinot noir, because, COME ON, my father-in-law AND my grandmother IN THE SAME ROOM?? it was like a game of dueling tall tales.
  
• smoked my reserved cigarette.
  

when i started this blog, i intended to tally up money and calories spent, and probably make some joke about my current alcohol-by-volume. and my current volume. but i'm not brave enough to try to count these calories. i think it's safe to call this an alcohol-fueled binge.

i don't regret it too much. i had a fantabulous birthday weekend. tonight bk and i will sweat out the last of the booze and then i'll probably walk the 2 miles home if the weather holds. just for a little extra push before i face my shiny! new! accurate! scale tomorrow.

focus today: WATER. sticking to the plan. exercise.

comfort

i'm under a ton of stress right now. and it's all birthday stress.

like i said yesterday, i am totally cool with my age. 26? is NOTHING. i feel great, i LOOK younger than... ever. i'm happy. i'm going to grad school and growing into a sense of style. growing my hair out. it's good.

but my birthday?

let me tell you the story of my birthday... i get all excited, plan something big & really nice for the people invited. 1/3 of them come (or fewer! last year it was ONE-- thanks tra!). i am humiliated. and then i get in a fight with my fil, unrelated to my humiliation. so this year, we planned to be out of town. but... that turned out to be way too expensive. so we planned to take a day trip. then my mom insisted on doing a big thing at her house and i got her to invite my inlaws to kill two birds with one awkward dinner. then friends of my husband's invited us over some time this week. i told him to tell them THURSDAY or FRIDAY. he said FRIDAY or SATURDAY. they, naturally, picked saturday. so i told him that it was fine but that he should be aware that it will be awkward for them to realize that it's my birthday. so he told them and they decided to have a small party. and... shit is hitting the fan. my husband and e are doing a lot of the planning but i'm freaking out. i don't WANT a party. i don't want to be humiliated again. and i don't want to buy a keg, but NO WAY am i having a byo at 26... and it's rough.

so i had a good cry and ate a few chocolate wafer cookies. and worked out with bk.

yesterday i took my wedding, engagement and right-hand rings to be re-sized. my engagement ring was a 7, my wedding band an 8 and my right-hand ring an 8.5. so, my wedding set are going to be a SIX AND A QUARTER and my sparkles are going down to a 7. ho. ly. shit. that's a big difference. (i also had a diamond stud cut off and repaired and a bracelet repaired. i've been saving up my jewelry repairs.) but now, without my wedding jewelry, i feel NAKED. and lately i've become accustomed to twirling them around all the time. i keep reaching for them for comfort and panicking.

this weekend... i have to focus. on stopping when i'm full. on enjoying everything. on not self-hating. and on hydrating to avoid hangover.

14, 12, 10, 8, 26, 27, 2!

last night i learned two things:

1. i am becoming more optimistic... through PRACTICE. fake it 'til you make it, baby.
2. i am decidedly pear-shaped. or, at least, thick of thigh.

so... for WHATEVER reason, we all start cycling at like ten of eight. we're all up there, pedaling away. hm is walking around doing the fitness instructor patter ("how'd it feel last week?" "great form!" "let me adjust your seat, there, isn't that better?") and we all sort of giggle and wonder why we came back. by the time we're into the actual workout, though, it's already like 8:15. e looks at me and looks at the clock meaningfully. meaning oh holy fucknuts we're all going to diiiiiie. except the skinny bitches up front. i'm like, rock on! we're 1/3 of the way done!by the last climb at 8:40 i can see everyone is losing form, huffing and puffing and generally ready for this to be OV. ER. i feel the same way, but i see myself in the mirror and smile because, hello? i feel incredible! i look damn good! and i haven't had to sit down!

and at that point i just want to shake all those sad-face people and be like, HI! HAVE YOU MET YOUR AMAZING BODY? SMILE! AND DON'T SACRIFICE FORM!

(and then i would have to kill myself because, well, i hate people who tell other people how to feel or behave. it's awful.)

i don't know if i've made this clear around here, but i'm still rocking the size 14s (since august!) despite being about 10 pounds from where size 12s required a belt in '04. it's coming off in a different order this time. when i say 14s i refer to jeans, the uniform of my life. i work in a very casual office. i'm not really a sweatpants-at-home person, either, it's jeans or pajamas. i rarely go anywhere too dressy for jeans. i wore size 12 pants at halloween. it seems my mom was right all those years when she was telling me your jeans size is a size bigger than your regular pants size. i also wore a size 12 skirt to my uncle's funeral in december.

when i was down to 155 in '03-'04, i bought this dress. it's from ann taylor, my secret lover, where i worked at the time. it's a dark red cotton vee-neck number with tonal embroidery at the hem and is generally very, very pretty. a 10. i wore it once, opening night of a play i understudied in, basically the peak of my theater career, and never had another occasion. or, at least, that it FIT for. the next summer, i knew i was closer to a 14 than a 10, but ann had an incredible deal on this brown eyelet slip/sheath dress with a fuchsia underlay. and i'd just bought fuchsia pumps-- also at a great discount-- and, oh, i would lose the weight! no problem! bought it in a ten. it's never fit me. i loaned it to a skinny friend for a PAGEANT. (she didn't win, but the dress was a hit.)

of course, you know about my most recent "goal dress" foolishness. an 8! clearly somebody's on crack around here.

so, last night, after spinning, i was looking at it. it hangs (in plastic) on my bedroom door and i was just gazing at it. god, i hoped it would fit. only 2.5 months! i can conservatively hope to lose 10 pounds in that time. it will be okay, right??

my husband talked me in to trying it on.

it fit. of course, it's a-line, but the top was perfect! i could use some smoothing, but that's what spanx are for!

so i tried the brown eyelet. it's pretty sheathy, straight up and down. it fit. the red cotton? i'm wearing it to the ssil's shower in two weeks. DOING IT.

i feel SO. FUCKING. GOOD. i don't even care that i won't know what i weigh for sure for two weeks. i'm keeping on keeping on. if i lose 10, 15 or 20 pounds by The Wedding, all the better, but MAN. things fit. i'm fit.

so, this is very long, BUT. i need to outline my PLANNED post for today, too.

in two days i turn 26. i know, it's not old! don't freak out! i'm not. i feel, like i said, incredible. YOUNG. so i'm cool. but i want some things to HAPPEN during my 27th year. i know i will start grad school, and i need to have my weight settled by then. i need those two years to be maintenance time. so i want to carve out a goal place by september. i'd like it to be 135, but, really, i think i could be very happy at 145 or 150. i want to run a 5k and maybe a 10k. i want to learn how to swim properly. and i want to move to a 2-bedroom or bigger place.

timebomb

yesterday we had a guest for dinner and i went over my calories. not too badly, an ounce of bread, a little salad dressing, a small slice of tart. today, i expect to be way under. and spin. oh, the spin. my legs still hurt from bk's leg special on monday.

speaking of bk & spinning. i look great. my shoulders are strong. i look taller every day. my legs, even, are getting some definition. oh, and my arms? if you ignore that fatty waddle? are ripped. my butt is higher and my boobs might be, too. if only... all the muscles weren't covered in fat.

i'm counting on all this lean muscle to help me burn calories and burn off these last 20-30 pounds. i hope to hell it does. because as much pride and joy as i'm finding in my body for it's incredible STRENGTH, i want it to not look like a floppy mess, too. i'm vain; sue me. ps-- Big Name Grad School has an UH-MAZING gym. with spinning m-f at 7 am. and swim lessons. and a rock climbing wall. and yoga, dance, a track, massage... $75 a year for students! (private lessons, massage, etc. cost extra.) i plan on starting my school days (aka, "days off" to do schoolwork) with a 7am spin and maybe a swim after i learn how to swim properly. won't that get the day to a nice start?

my husband's cousin just got her second referral from china. in the next six months, odds are, all the adult cousins on his side-- except us-- will complete their families. (i'm not SURE of his other cousin's due date, but i'll have to guess it's within six months.) i expect that's when the questions will start in earnest. oh, yes, they've already started. from one cousin as a melt into a puddle holding her baby. from my mom as i talk about moving in to a townhouse in the city so we'll have a guest room. from friends (including the one last night who promised he saw "two of 'em just waiting to get into this world" in my aura. mk...). but we're up to bat in 2011. and it ain't gonna happen.

so sad.

the pill seemed to, uh, repress that STUFF for a few years. or maybe it was just time for it to surface when it did. i dunno. i still haven't called my lady-doctor to get a paper copy of my script so i can get away from the evil pharmacy. oh, geez.

soooo... focus: water (i need to be very hydrated for spinning!). healthy snacks (i'm bound to need them, especially in the evening, because beer and a brownie isn't exactly recovery fare). and taking care or my poor legs before, during & after spinning.

compliments from my mother

"there's nothing left of you!"

she really said that. my mother, who used to be defined on the sidebar as mommie dearest- the source of all shame. i realize that doesn't come close to describing my relationship with my mother, but what could? how can you define a relationship with your MOTHER? but the fact of the matter is, to my mom i am still part of her. despite my adult voice and my true nose, she still thinks of me as being a bit of HER that's out there walking around without permission. it takes a lot from me for her to approve. she won't be impressed that i got into Big Name Grad School until i graduate. she won't be proud of me for trying to run until i succeed. it's taken 70 pounds for her to comment favorably on my weight loss (f'ed up, i know, but she's one of those people for whom "you're too skinny!" is a compliment, i swear).

and her scale put me at 162.0.

i'm taking it, because she has the same scale as my (broken) one and it will be two weeks or more until mine arrives (goddamn super saver shipping). i weighed myself there yesterday at 6pm, probably dehydrated. but shit, man. i look good. i'm not kidding. i believe it.

i don't know how much i weigh

it seems i am a little bit of a packrat. hm. i don't WANT to be. i mean, i'm all about clearing stuff out and living clutter-free (unless the stuff in question is wearable), but i'm super lazy so i rarely get around to, you know, DOING anything about it.

so, apparently, over a year ago when i made >200 and got my new scale, i never threw out the old one. hooray. not so hooray? how ON EARTH did i ever know how much i weighed. i mean, sure, i know i weigh ROUGHLY 165 right now, but... is that 164.4 or 166.2???

i'm going to buy the scale consumer reports said was most accurate. i don't know why. it just... seems like a good idea. and it costs half as much as my old scale.

this weekend was... hard. let's put it this way, there were three days to it (since we were sprung for a storm that never was at 10am): the day i got my period early, the day i drank four glasses of wine and the day i though chocolate would make my cramps go away.

friday we got out early, obviously, but the roads were clear by 5 so i went to bk and he kicked my ass but good. it was great. i did supermans and military presses and skull-crushers (which are my FAVORITE exercise) and curls while i stood on the bosu ball and it was awesome. and i stayed in my calories, too! and it was a major exercise in willpower because, what the hell? do i get my period on friday now instead of saturday? uncool.

saturday started out great. i was up early and to the grocery store that had seltzer water & turkey bacon on sale (WOOT!). then i remembered to swing into cvs to pick up the prescription i don't want to take, but i know the rules. i still don't have an rx card two full months into having this insurance, but they said to give the pharmacist my regular card and it would be fine, or the pharmacy could call them and it would be fine. so i tell the tech my name, it takes her eight hundred years to find my script, she asks for my new rx card, i tell her, i don't have one yet, but the insurance company said i could give you this and it would be fine and if it wasn't, you can call them and they'll be happy to speak with you. okay. she walks away and comes right back. ummm? this is your medical card? do you have your prescription card? like i said before, i don't have one yet, but the insurance company said i could give you this and it would be fine and if it wasn't, you can call them and they'll be happy to speak with you. oh, okay. and she puts it in the basket for someone with two brain cells to rub together to deal with. i wait. i see her screw up with three other people. i see the two pharmacists discuss my card. a younger male asks if her should do it, an older female says she was going to but it he has time, that's great. he calls my goddamn first name (HATE THAT. you have my full name in front of you, show a little goddamn respect.) and i go up. beck, this isn't your PRESCRIPTION CARD. do you have that card? that's the one we need. for the third time: i don't have one yet, but the insurance company said i could give you this and it would be fine and if it wasn't, you can call them and they'll be happy to speak with you. well, okaaaay, but it'll be a good, oh, half hour until anybody can do that for you. all put out and shit. and i kind of made a scene. this isn't really like me, so much, but i don't need cvs to hold me down while my insurance company screws me any more than i need my insurance company to hold me down while my dentists' office screws me. but my script had been called in there so i have to call my doc and have it moved and OOPS, too late, sunday's come and gone now. so when we went to a friends saturday night, i was all wound up and well, we went to college together and our husbands were meeting for the first time and... four glasses of wine.

and sunday i spent doing data entry for work. and eating chocolate. i actually thought, at one point, oh, i need to eat some chocolate, i have cramps. but since i was in the shower i couldn't do it RIGHT THEN and was forced to face that insane thought process. ummm, no. chocolate won't ACTUALLY help.

so, i don't know what i weigh today. exactly. and this morning i had 4 strips of turkey bacon for breakfast because i didn't make my french toast. lunch is pb & ab and snacks are carrots, apple, banana, almonds & woven wheats, like always. it's also bk day and i'm excited. i hope i get to do skull crushers.