14, 12, 10, 8, 26, 27, 2!

last night i learned two things:

1. i am becoming more optimistic... through PRACTICE. fake it 'til you make it, baby.
2. i am decidedly pear-shaped. or, at least, thick of thigh.

so... for WHATEVER reason, we all start cycling at like ten of eight. we're all up there, pedaling away. hm is walking around doing the fitness instructor patter ("how'd it feel last week?" "great form!" "let me adjust your seat, there, isn't that better?") and we all sort of giggle and wonder why we came back. by the time we're into the actual workout, though, it's already like 8:15. e looks at me and looks at the clock meaningfully. meaning oh holy fucknuts we're all going to diiiiiie. except the skinny bitches up front. i'm like, rock on! we're 1/3 of the way done!by the last climb at 8:40 i can see everyone is losing form, huffing and puffing and generally ready for this to be OV. ER. i feel the same way, but i see myself in the mirror and smile because, hello? i feel incredible! i look damn good! and i haven't had to sit down!

and at that point i just want to shake all those sad-face people and be like, HI! HAVE YOU MET YOUR AMAZING BODY? SMILE! AND DON'T SACRIFICE FORM!

(and then i would have to kill myself because, well, i hate people who tell other people how to feel or behave. it's awful.)

i don't know if i've made this clear around here, but i'm still rocking the size 14s (since august!) despite being about 10 pounds from where size 12s required a belt in '04. it's coming off in a different order this time. when i say 14s i refer to jeans, the uniform of my life. i work in a very casual office. i'm not really a sweatpants-at-home person, either, it's jeans or pajamas. i rarely go anywhere too dressy for jeans. i wore size 12 pants at halloween. it seems my mom was right all those years when she was telling me your jeans size is a size bigger than your regular pants size. i also wore a size 12 skirt to my uncle's funeral in december.

when i was down to 155 in '03-'04, i bought this dress. it's from ann taylor, my secret lover, where i worked at the time. it's a dark red cotton vee-neck number with tonal embroidery at the hem and is generally very, very pretty. a 10. i wore it once, opening night of a play i understudied in, basically the peak of my theater career, and never had another occasion. or, at least, that it FIT for. the next summer, i knew i was closer to a 14 than a 10, but ann had an incredible deal on this brown eyelet slip/sheath dress with a fuchsia underlay. and i'd just bought fuchsia pumps-- also at a great discount-- and, oh, i would lose the weight! no problem! bought it in a ten. it's never fit me. i loaned it to a skinny friend for a PAGEANT. (she didn't win, but the dress was a hit.)

of course, you know about my most recent "goal dress" foolishness. an 8! clearly somebody's on crack around here.

so, last night, after spinning, i was looking at it. it hangs (in plastic) on my bedroom door and i was just gazing at it. god, i hoped it would fit. only 2.5 months! i can conservatively hope to lose 10 pounds in that time. it will be okay, right??

my husband talked me in to trying it on.

it fit. of course, it's a-line, but the top was perfect! i could use some smoothing, but that's what spanx are for!

so i tried the brown eyelet. it's pretty sheathy, straight up and down. it fit. the red cotton? i'm wearing it to the ssil's shower in two weeks. DOING IT.

i feel SO. FUCKING. GOOD. i don't even care that i won't know what i weigh for sure for two weeks. i'm keeping on keeping on. if i lose 10, 15 or 20 pounds by The Wedding, all the better, but MAN. things fit. i'm fit.

so, this is very long, BUT. i need to outline my PLANNED post for today, too.

in two days i turn 26. i know, it's not old! don't freak out! i'm not. i feel, like i said, incredible. YOUNG. so i'm cool. but i want some things to HAPPEN during my 27th year. i know i will start grad school, and i need to have my weight settled by then. i need those two years to be maintenance time. so i want to carve out a goal place by september. i'd like it to be 135, but, really, i think i could be very happy at 145 or 150. i want to run a 5k and maybe a 10k. i want to learn how to swim properly. and i want to move to a 2-bedroom or bigger place.