guilt

i went to spinning last night. i went even though i didn't WANT to. i went even though my bits still hurt. i went even thought i was sleepy. i went because i need something to take my mind off the waiting.

i went easy on myself. if it was getting really hard, i didn't increase my resistance a FULL turn, more like 2/3. i feel terribly guilty. i mean, i worked, i sweated and i sighed with relief when we got to turn the resistance down again (audibly), but i probably could have pushed harder.

when i got home, i made my lunch for today (1.5 serving of whole wheat pasta, 2 turkey meatballs and a serving of asparagus) and my breakfast (magical french toast) because my dearest one is fasting again today. I KNOW. but he also has a physical and he needs to do this his way. so. later, i'll walk 1.75 miles to the non-tj's grocery store in this town and pick up a BOX of those protein bars. ooooh, delicious processed proteiny chocolate product.

then later i'll probably have bk and my half hour walk home.

oh. well, i'm all over the place today. ALL over. i'm tense and tired and i'm really, truly afraid of what i might find out (any minute now) from my biopsy.

i just... yeah. i dunno.