orientation

hey. um, i'm not dead. wazzup?

i'm pushing 150 today after a week of pumpkin spice lattes and eating whenever the opportunity presents itself. and beer. oh, my god, the beer. i think i drank about 25 beers this week. and two shots.

on-campus orientation for BNGS was amazing. i made lifelong friends and lifelong frenemies. and got really upset when nasty comments about the fat girl (who, unrelated, was UNGODLY annoying) were whispered to me. because they saw me as... normal. they never knew me fat. one girl-- my new bff-- offered to lend me clothes to wear to the theater (a top, as our walk to her place was warmer than expected and i'd planned only to swap my jeans for a skirt). she wears an 8. insane.

so, now i have my work cut out for me. i need to relose this five and lose at least 10 more. oh, AND, i need to get my masters degree. so. yeah. i guess it's a little late to point this out, but i may not be around much.

the mouths of babes

once-best friend's five year old yesterday: "becklette used to be really big with lots of curly hair; she's worked out when i saw her."

i took my hair down and showed her it was still there. had she been my kid, we would have used that statement for a conversation about how bodies are different, big and little, tall and short, fat and thing, two legs, one leg, no legs... but she's not. so we just sat there. feeling uncomfortable.

it actually has probably been about a year since i saw her-- i lived, briefly, with her parents in the months before her birth and always thought of her as my niece-- which is sad and must have made the changes in me jarring to her. but on the other hand... how does a kindergartner know that working out makes you not fat? because, frankly, that's not always true. it makes you stronger and healthier but, really, truly, doesn't always make you thinner.

again: not my kid.

down

lost the florida weight and am engaging in psychological warfare with this weekend packed full of social/family obligations.

unofficially, i'm NORMAL.

up

i gained about a pound a day while visiting my inlaws in florida. mexican food. greek food. world of beer. more mexican food.

so, yeah, here's to losing those six pounds AGAIN.

and then ten more.

and then... fifteen more, i think.

so. yeah.

end of august

this weekend, i...

1. jogged a mile in 18 minutes
2. which means i jogged for eighteen minutes STRAIGHT
3. hit my -90 pound mark
4. bought size 10 jeans at the gap after trying-- and fitting in-- five pairs
5. didn't gain weight at a barbeque
   

i jogged

a full mile today. woohoo!

a little less conversation, a little more action

i loved spinning to that song. i'm not signed up for spinning in the fall for a variety of reasons, primarily a mis-communication with my husband.

i'm not writing here right now. i mean, right NOW i am, but currently in a bigger way? not really.

but i'm still kicking. i even saw a four in the tens place a couple times this week, which should make for a very nice september weigh-in.

sigh

up. and for no good reason. i f'ing hate my body.

did it!

3/4 of a mile in. a. row.

took me 14 minutes-- that's about a minute shy of my walking pace. i don't care, though, because increasing my distance by 1/4 mile a week means i'll be jogging 5 miles by december. it means the 5k i'd been daydreaming about running with my friends and family for my birthday can be a TENk.

i just told my trainer-brother that i want to run the 5k in our town this november.

153.8. whatthefuckever.

better

153.0 today. that's better. i planned this morning to get a cupcake today and shaved a few calories off the plan to that end, but turns out i forgot to take the pork chops out of the freezer. whoops. so we'll get pizza.

the weather is cooling down today and, provided it's not pouring, we'll walk tonight and i'll jog tomorrow & sunday. think i can pull 3/4 of a mile??

brevity

i've been being so brief here lately because i can barely type-- i'm using only my left hand for the next few weeks until my tendinitis improves.

my weekend weight finally dropped off today, so i'm 153.8. i can't wait to FEEL 149. i feel ginormous lately. and i want to eat my feelings. but i don't.

hubs hit a new low today: 239.6. he's less than 20# from goal... in just four months. makes me feel huge. dunno why. maybe because i weigh almost the same while he's lost 66 pounds??

off to the dentist monday for some fillings. $250. why do i even have dental? and then two more at a later date.

i feel like i'm falling apart.

no good very bad day

i don't like today. i want to skip it, k?

hope

my weekend was... insane. great and crazy and weird and awful. i feel like i gained 20 pounds. but it's apparently only 4. i'm hoping they're mostly gone tomorrow.

going to the doctor for my wrist today. i hope to be back to typing well-- if not lifting weights-- soon.

:/

wrist hurts. great eating/exercise yesterday. failed to go to the track today. shit.

153.4.

no hope of dropping 3.5 pounds this weekend.

ouch

typing lefty. right wrist/hand kinda fucked. very cranky and wanting to cry into some cake about it. 153.4. eating well. jogging tomorrow. feeling fat. missing weight lifting.

rice & beans

if i took one thing away from my vacation in puerto rico it's that a frozen rum beverage followed by a nap is the. best. afternoon. ever. if i took TWO things, the other is the rice & beans = win. so i'm on a mission to get this magical combo of unspectacular foods into our life. to that end, i bought (among other ingredients) a package of instant ortega black beans & rice.

ummm, and today i'm puffed up like a thanksgiving parade float. ortega rice & beans? not my friend.

so, i actually weighed in at 155.0 this morning, which made me really not want to go to the track. but i was up and feeling like a cow so i did.

i jogged 1/2 a mile in a row again and then walked another quarter before heading home. total time working out: 30 minutes. friday's workout plan is to job the half, walk a quarter and then jog another quarter. (my jogging pace? is approximately a 14 minute mile. i'm pretty pleased with that.)

so i weighed myself post-jog and more naked to a pretty reasonable 153.4. i did not pack the rice & beans for lunch. instead i pulled together some fruit and nonfat greek yogurt. mmmmm. yogurt. the rest of the week needs to be awesomely clean because we have a weekend family reunion/drunkfest this weekend and we both REALLY need to get some motivation on the scale friday morning.

so.

i'm not feeling great about the scale, but i DO feel great about jogging. i'm going to break 150 this week. i'm pretty sure.

a dirty little whorebag

148.8

148.8

148.8

ERR

for a minute this morning, in the haze of my hangover, i thought for SURE the scale said 158.8. it didn't. it had a four on it. i was, to put it mildly, shocked. i planned to hop off and get my camera to record this milestone for posterity. except, ERR. so i gave it a minute.

151.6

and another minute, in case the little bitch wanted to rethink that.

152.8

ummm, yes, i'm taking 151.6. and i'm SURE it's all wine. (a high school/college friend came for dinner. we had grilled chicken caesar salad with fat free dressing, a blueberry peasant tart with a scant 1/4 cup of sugar in the whole thing and a giant bottle of fat bastard chardonnay. um, and 14 cigarettes. between us. both quitters. oops. i threw out the last 6 this morning.)

i didn't jog today, in a planned rest day, but we'll walk tonight. i had homemade whole wheat irish porter bread for a lazy breakfast, but packed chicken caesar salad, half a huge cucumber and some grapes.

i saw that four.

if blogger were facebook...

my status would be

becklette jogged 1/2 a mile IN A ROW.

of course, it's not. so i'll settle for telling you. and that i weighed in at 150.8. HOORAY.

what the---?

i went to the track this morning: jogged 1/4, walked 1/4, jogged 1/4, walked 1/4, jogged 1/8, walked 1/8. did it. later we'll go for a hike. i would love to do some push-ups and sit-ups but am having this alarming pain in my wrist, so it will just be sit-ups.

and in case this doesn't carry over to weigh-in, i want the record to show that today i weighed 151.0 pounds. which means i'm down 4.6 pounds from last week and that if i manage to lose a teeny bit today i will be showing a 5-pound loss for july despite having maintained for the first several weeks.

jogging weather

i'm a fair-weather jogger. that's got to change. but today, tomorrow and sunday should be within my limited jogging weather, so i'll get a lot of workouts in.

152.4 today. still gunning for 152.0 on monday. this week is going to have to be very "clean" foodwise because of a family reunion weekend out of town.

now i'll make my grocery list!

i didn't earn this

i went to bed early last night so i could get up early and hit the track. i did that thing where i made sure i was thinking about waking up at 5:30 while i fell asleep. at 5:15 i woke up, and then i fell back asleep and had this incredibly vivid dream that i (not we) adopted a newborn. i woke up a LEETLE stressed... at 6:15.

balls.

i overate last night, too. not a ton, two or three hundred calories of sweets and tortilla chips. my husband went out. i wonder if that's boredom eating, lonesome eating or sneak eating?

and today i'm down to 152.2. if i hit 152.0 tomorrow, i'm going to adjust to 151.6 for monday so i don't look at the weekend as a freebie.

TODAY:

• actually stay in my calorie range
• drink a boatload of water
• that's it cause i have plans tonight and a very early morning

shame

mostly stayed in my calories.

walked.

didn't do sit-ups and push-ups due to being a cry baby over my final hpv vaccine shot. (motherfucker HURTS. STILL.) why get the vaccine for a virus i already have? because we assume my husband also has it and, if the odds are in my favor and the leep actually causes it to clear out, my husband and i could just keep reinfecting each other... forever. delightful, no? apparently, though, each of the 3 shots hurts worse than the previous one. i remember #1 hurt for about a month but i don't remember #2 hurting at all. #3 made me say "holy SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT!" as the needle was withdrawn.

didn't wake up and go to the track. dunno why. feel crummy.

152.4. i'm adjusting the goal for this week to 152.0. because i already met 152.6.

whoops

and... then i didn't walk last night OR jog this morning.

TODAY:

1. don't eat beyond plan
2. drink loads of water
3. walk
4. sit-ups and push-ups
5. get to bed early for a morning workout!

today's weight, btw? 152.8. ABUH? whatever. my goal for this week is 152.6. that's my goal. and i have 6 days to get there.

lmp

i read somewhere, a long time ago, the the first day of your period is the day to start a new diet because... i forget. whatever. does it matter? those little things stick in your head.

the past two weeks i've been lethargic and weird. off my game, for sure. i couldn't recall the date of my last period. i imagined asking for a peestick at my lady doctor appointment tomorrow (last shot!). i was pretty sure that bottle of rum/that bed with an ocean view/that six days of relaxation was going to leave me considering fajardo as a middle name for an actual human child.

meanwhile, i made my lunches for the week, slept in my workout clothes and set an alarm for 6am.

at 5:55 i got my period. of course. a relief, but also... i dunno. i'd have to get pregnant by accident to ever be pregnant, i think, so part of me sort of hopes.

...

i went to the track anyway. it was shy of 75* and it felt sooooooo gooooooooooooood. i jogged 1/4 mile TWICE with one walked in between. and i walked the 3/4 of a mile round-trip. so 1.5 miles down by 6:45 in the morning!

so this weekend i managed to eat fairly well, if high sodium, walk once (last night) and prep my lunches.

and? i maintained. 154.6.

this week i'm going to the track every morning, and jogging at least 1/2 mile, at least 3 of those mornings. i'm eating my planned foods. and i'm walking with my husband. back in the game.

...

there will be a pool party at my in-laws in 5 weeks. my sister-in-law is coming to visit. if i buckle the fuck down i can maybe make it to 145.

goal for this week is 152.6.

wherein i give myself a stern talking-to

okay. i do not know whatthefuck my problem is. where did exercising-- even just a pleasure stroll-- every day go?? where did fruits and veggies and lean proteins go?? when did i start eating REGULAR peanut butter and snacks before dinner and snack after dinner??

i'm maintaining. i maintained on vacation. this is a good thing. except i still WANT to be losing. 153.0? is not likely to come by monday. last night, after therapy, i ate a bag of peanut m&m's. the almost fit in my calories and did fit in my nutrients, but damn. i don't DO that.

tomorrow we have a wedding. we'll walk tonight and tomorrow i'll hit the track. tomorrow, i'm going to jog 1/2 a mile (separated). am.

we have no idea what will be served at this wedding-- it's an outdoor hippie wedding in a park, no rsvp required-- but i'm going to plan the rest of my food so that i don't NEED a lot of fiber or protein from that meal.

and i think i'll dance my pants off.

planning ahead helps me. sunday i will make lunches for the week. and a dinner plan. will.

i have to get back on track RIGHTNOW.

steady

last night was not ideal in a lot of ways, and i'm up .2 pounds today. no big. except, now it's thursday and i'm trying to lose like 1.5 pounds by monday?

today, despite a long-planned pizza dinner, is back-on-track day with careful eating, exercise and water drinking. and going out to buy ice cream cause it's the last night of the 2 for $5 edy's slow-churned sale!

so... i haven't mapped out my foods and such but i'm going to do that now and hope that in my mild hang-over this morning, i planned a somewhat balanced diet.

emotional

i'm having a rough time at work. i'm the entirety of my company and it's just not really working out for me. that vacation? i went in for a couple hours last monday. i haven't taken a full week off in four years. that was my honeymoon and i called in every day to the temp.

anyway. i begin to wonder if i'll ever be able to have it under control, or ever be happy at a job, if i can manage grad school, if grad school is a waste of money, if i'm really better suited to sahm-hood... i get anxious. and depressed. and occasionally i eat.

but i'm pulling through. is okay.

surprisingly good news

dude, man, you're not going to believe this. as of today, i am de-puffed and weighing less than i did before i left for puerto rico.

new diet plan: up early. huge breakfast. walk all morning. fried snack with blended rum beverage. nap. read. dinner of whatever sounds good, in moderation. cuba libre. cuba libre. cuba libre. read. asleep by 10.

okay, the truth is that we only ate 3 full meals ONE DAY on vacation. likewise, we only ate dessert ONE DAY (small ice cream cones). we also got a fair amount of exercise walking around the resort, old san juan (and the fort!), hiking in the rainforest and on my two trips to the fitness center.

but i certainly didn't expect to be up only 1.5 pounds. or DOWN once i lost my plane-puff.

today will be another slightly-off day. we don't have all the groceries we need yet since i only went to the produce store yesterday. today i'll hit tj's. tonight we plan to walk and do strength training. so. yeah.

now that i've more or less taken a week off i'm going to have to reevaluate my plans. next up? in 18 days we've got a family reunion. i'd like to be under 150 then, so goal for this week is 153.0. or a loss of another 1.6 pounds.

what i ate on my summer vacation

that's me. approximately 155 pounds (or -81) on my way to the fitness center on the first morning in puerto rico.

are you jealous of my dedication?

don't be. it only happened one more time.

HOWEVER.

both times? i jogged 1/4 mile in. a. row. JELUS?


so... post vacation i'm up to 156.4! that's SO GOOD. i mean, unless you're thinking, bitch, you were in the 150.somethings two weeks ago... which, well, yeah. and then i was in the 155.somethings when i left and today i'm WAY puffy.

(the junkiest food we ate was at the airport yesterday. it might as well have been mc d's.)

okay. as for what i actually ate. mornings meant eggs, fruit and a stray piece of bacon, sausage or potato. oh, GOD, and the coffee. lunch varied from clif z-bars to plantain chips & salsa to local beers, a fritter sampler and a puerto rican side dish sampler. (fritter, yes, means TOTALLY FRIED EVERYTHING. it was delicious.) dinners were: fried "native cheese" and a meaty flatbread pizza with a blended rum/fruit drink; peanut butter and clif bars with, well, SEVERAL cuba libres; fried native cheese with a chicken pesto panini, fries and a cuba libre; half a chicken & rice wrap and a nature valley bar; fritter sampler and half a southwestern wrap with fries and a mojito. oh, and an ice cream cone.

we went to the beach all of ONCE (the beach was on a private island and required a serious trek through the resort, a funicular ride, a wait for the ferry and a ferry ride) and the pool NONE. but we went hiking in the rainforest and spent a day in old san juan. we even got a couple's massage (hub's first!). aside from the systematic over charging and the feeling that we were about to get completely screwed, it was pretty freaking awesome.

and. i'm only up a pound and a half.

so, i'm taking running up, for real, now. like. today. because i totally can!

my favorite things

look, we're friends, right? you love me, inasmuch as you can LOVE someone you don't know. or whatever. i have to tell you something:

i have been living, very comfortably, in about 2004.

my computer, my DESKTOP computer, is the one my parents bought me for college. when i went to college. eight years ago.

my phone? free with plan. it's a nokia candybar. no camera. no fancy ringtone. at least three years old.

and my camera, well, it took a shower. twice. that's my own stupid fault, but STILL.

and as of yesterday? i'm nearly caught up. the above shiny red camera was my favorite toy for about two hours... until my parents came over with "a little something [they] picked up in amish country" for me.

i wish i could stun you with a picture, but i can't find one.

here we go.

it's...

wait for it...

a goddamned laptop computer. top of the everything new new new. it's beautiful. for school. i could just die.

i swear i haven't forgotten about the picture, though.

153.6. birthday party tonight. and i'm considering not drinking...

math FAIL

okay, okay, TODAY i'm exactly four pounds higher than i want to weigh on tuesday morning! 153.8. yesterday it was 5. UGH.

so, i'm doing fine. i'm filling up with fresh fruits and veggies (5-6 servings a day!) during work and enjoying husband-grilled dinners. there may be some slips involving leftover chocolate cheesecake, homemade peanut butter cookies and some edy's apple pie ice cream. but they have been TINY slips and, frankly, you save a lot of calories when you eat a pound and a half of fresh produce for breakfast + lunch + snacks.

it's be about a zillion degrees around here lately, so exercise isn't what it should be. but because it's been so hot, i've been experimenting with skirts and... damn. i think i'm about to buy some shorts! i don't hate my legs (except the part that will be covered by a 5" inseam)!

oh, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, hold on to your hats, ladies, i'm going to POST A PICTURE!! tonight or this weekend. because tonight my husband is buying us a new camera while i'm having my biweekly chat with dr. y! and if you gush and stuff, i might even post some from my fabulous tropical vacation NEXT WEEK.

meantime... yeah. i have a few trouble spots, and 15 or so stubborn pounds, but i feel pretty good.

despite wanting the scale to be much lowered by tuesday.

eh

today i'm exactly four pounds heavier than i want to be in 6 days. i like to think i wouldn't be stressing this if not for the fact that this time LAST week i was well on my way. i had like a pound to go.

way to fuck that up, self.

because i blew it this weekend

i haven't seen the 155.somethings in a while. i mean, except this morning. yeah, that sucked.

i really blew it this weekend. like, whoa. like i drank a bottle of wine, single-handedly, on two separate occasions. i had a sneak-eat attack on some rice krispie treats at a barbecue where i ALSO found myself sitting, shoveling ruffles into my mouth. and, after resolving to turn the weekend around on saturday, i ate two LARGE dinners worth of food at my parents' last night.

today, i've packed myself a POUND AND A HALF (literally) of fresh, raw produce. yes, that's what i plan on eating from 9 to 5. four ounces each of: green peppers, cauliflower, carrots, pineapple, strawberries and grapes. (red, orange, yellow, green, er, white and violet. a good showing by the rainbow.) dinner is grilled ham and broccoli. water is my friend.

still hope

up to 152.4 today! not cool, body. not cool, self, who ordered the mu shu vegetables.

anyway. onward and downward. tonight i'll have a baked panko-crusted chicken cutlet, a small serving of pasta and salad, salad, salad. tomorrow i'll bring a veggie tray to the barbecue. sunday and monday will be all about produce, hydration and exercise.

btw, can i say this? i'm super-happy for all my newly engaged friends (we're at that age and there are four weddings brewing, plus one or two more engagements on the horizon), but... mildly jealous? i dunno, man, getting married asap was important five years ago because ooh, we were sooo in loooooove (still are!) but it would have been nice to be, like, a fully formed adult at the time. and thinner.

anywho. 150.4? eeep. but i've got 4 days.

baker's remorse

so, i make this... confection. we call it double-cake, which is pretty uncreative, but whatever. it's a cheesecake with a cake on top. and it always ends up garnished with something else (butterscotch pudding, chocolate ganache, pretzels, strawberries...). it's really good, but it's an enormous pain in the ass to make. so, of course, i have to make it for my husband's birthday. of course.

since we're going out to dinner tonight, and then to liquor wonderland to stock up, i started the cake last night. this year's cake is a chocolate cheesecake with a peanut butter cookie crust, banana cake, chocolate ganache and a peanut butter drizzle. so, feeling very clever, i picked up sutter's formula peanut butter cookies at tj's. make that peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. balls. okay, the cookies couldn't be used for my cake so i ate two. they fit in my calories and most of the rest are at the office now. then i had to make peanut butter cookies. WELL. feel free to add peanut butter bookie dough to the list of pre-baked confections i can't resist.

then it turned out that i'd baked way more than i needed. and THEN i made the chocolate cheesecake which just smelled sooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

bites, licks and tastes later, i couldn't manage a walk and my weight was up. 151.6. awesome.

so tonight i'm going to bake a cake, do my body-weight resistance workout, walk to dinner and walk back before going to the booze store.

i'm just really glad we'll have two quiet days to focus after this crazy weekend!

holding out

i'm still on track. it's been a hell of a week, but i'm still on track. except i didn't do weights last night.

(151.2 today.)

tonight, we're having a regular dinner at home-- grilled pork chops and sugar snap peas-- and i'm baking a chocolate cheesecake with peanut butter cookie crust for my husband's birthday. tomorrow we're going out with his dad and stepmom. we're hoping for japanese, or else i have to check out bertucci's. friday is the birthday dinner with my parents and brothers: panko crusted, baked chicken parm and the cheesecake. cheesecake disposal plan is to cut the leftovers in half, sending half home with my brothers and slicing & freezing the other half. saturday is our friends' barbecue, to which i'm bringing veggies & greek yogurt ranch dip.

anyway. still plugging along.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

just like odysseus

last night i resisted the siren song of ice cream, beer and my bed. we took a walk. we spent, seriously, HOURS debating the merits of various birthday-dessert options. i was rewarded with a drop to 151.4. goal for monday remains 150.4. one pound.

i'm pretty sure it can be done.

today's food is all planned out (sprouted grain toast with butter, coffee, cucumber, whole wheat pasta with light dressing, kiwifruit with skin, grilled chicken, corn on the cob, beer OR ice cream) and workouts agreed upon (bodyweight resistance & a walk).

and that's about all there is to report.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

round numbers

i've lost 84 pounds. my husband has lost 49. we're both looking at getting to our milestone this week. i LOVE having a partner.

he'll be 28 on friday. i'm making chicken parm from scratch and a chocolate cheesecake topped with banana cake, chocolate ganache and peanut butter drizzle with a nutter butter crust. i still haven't gotten him a gift. i don't even know what to get him. not new clothes because a) that's not a present, it's something he needs, b) we just enjoyed the old gravy 30% off sale yesterday and c) i just did a whole load of clothes that fit him again!

so... puerto rico! two weeks! two pounds! actually, this week i'm shooting for 150.4. i'm planning on being UNDER 150 when we leave. and maintaining while we're there. i've packed my lunches. we've planned out all of our dinners for the week and committed to walking together every. night. and i'll do two body-weight workouts and a full weight workout. will.

150.4... 150.4... 150.4...

happy birthday, robert!

saw a friend from college in company last night. the actress playing joanne ("here's to the ladies who lunch") is battling cancer and at intermission there was an acs fundraiser... buy a slice of bobby's birthday cake. mmmmmmm. birthday cake. you can pretty much buy my love with a birthday cake.

after the show-- at about 11:45-- the friend and her husband came over for a drink. we had some tortilla chips and my favorite new gin cocktails. obvs, am up to 154.4 today. and i got my goddamn period.

my husband decided that he would pick up the old ladies himself, then com home to shower and THEN we'd go to the party (at about 6:30) so we're eating a sensible dinner at home. thank god. we will not eat at the party. at all. we're good at absolutes. i think this week might still turn out okay.

eh

153.0 again. pizza for dinner. slept instead of working out. today's all over the place. highly anxious about tomorrow.

eh.

the incident

what do you get when a stress-out girl doesn't eat enough lunch then gets home to find her camera returned unfixed, no, we're just not gonna do it, thanks for buying the service plan though! and her stressed out husband goes out after a calorie-dense dinner and she sits down to watch a fluffy rom-com* alone?

an incident involving peanut butter chips. 1/4 cup of them. four servings. 320 calories worth.

they were calories i had to work with, but... damn. i could have done so much more with them. oh well, right?

i'm not sure where i stand food-wise today. i packed pb & j for lunch, breakfast was the usual (turkey bacon and toast) plus raspberries. i have an apple and a kiwi for snacks plus a fruit-leather type bar thing. i'll try to ensure there's a veggie on my pizza tonight.

exercise-wise, i'm planning on walking with the mister AFTER dark because, DAMN but it's 95* again! i'm also going to do the lower body & abs parts of my body-weight resistance circuit. but... my boob/armpit region is still KILLING me from the addition of push-ups on tuesday. so what do i do? skip them? i dunno. undecided.

weight today was 152.8, which is great. i'm practically jumping for joy.

i'm really ticked about this graduation party we have to go to on saturday. we offered to take my husband's grandmother's cousin (whom we've never met) to doctor's appointments once in a while. it's a long, sad story of her nephew demanding that she pay him hundreds of dollars to do things like deposit her social security check and pick up her prescriptions. now, when the offer was made it was strictly for doctor's appointments and understood that they would be in her area and all on one day/infrequent. she lives and hour away. so on saturday? we are driving there, picking her up, driving back, going to this godforsaken EIGHTH GRADE graduation party, driving her home and then coming home. that makes this 4.5 hour party and 8 hour (plus) time commitment for us. and the food is not likely to be healthy.



*TiMER doesn't suck as bad at it ought to... possibly because of my undying devotion to emma caulfield, possibly because desmond harrington is on dexter, possibly because i'm really good at suspending my disbelief and once you get past the INCREDIBLY STUPID and totally implausible set up, it's quite a charming little love story. and sisterhood didn't conquer all, though it was touch-and-go for a minute there.

and for my next trick...

i cannot explain my weight today: 153. well. did wishing make it so? did... i dunno, a lack of sodium? three liters of water? was it that i had a beer and 1/3 of a brownie instead of my usual light ice cream? was it the (AWESOME) body weight-resistance workout i did? the walk? was it that i had a salad for lunch?

so, 153. that's good news.

i don't feel much better (in my head) but... well, working out with my husband is pretty therapeutic. shopping for my tropical vacation is, too. i'm beginning to fear christmas because... what if she comes? i don't want her to ruin my family christmas! but that's not fair, i know, because MY family, whom she hasn't seen at christmas in four years, they're her family, too. i suppose even I'M her family. but, in a way i can't really articulate, she's not mine.

we're still dealing with leftover ingredients from fathers' day, so dinner tonight is going to be frozen pierogies topped with bacon and carmelized onions. healthy, no? but don't worry, my work-food (snacks & lunch) is an apple, a kiwifruit, 6 oz. of cucumber slices, 6 oz. of baby carrots and 6 oz. of green pepper with 1/4 cup of hummus. for breakfast i had complete protein bread (toasted) with butter, 2 slices of turkey bacon and raspberries.

i think there are a couple new plans in town:

1. tuesdays & thursdays i'll be doing my body weight-resistance workout comprised of wall sits (3 @ 1:00 for now), bridges (3 @ 1:00), "jumpies" which probably have a serious name like... squat jumps or something (3 sets of 15), sit-ups (3 sets of 25) and push-ups (just added back into my routine, so 3 sets of 10). saturdays i'll do my full, serious, weight training workout.
2. each week i will make a weight loss goal. it will be based on my weight at the beginning of that week with a eye to long-term goals. every ounce i lose or gain does not warrant a re-evaluation of the plan.

anyway, i appear to have reached my goal for this week (153) here on DAY TWO, so... i have no idea what that means. the over-arching goal right now is to be sub-150 by july 13th.

this weekend i have a graduation party to attend and i'm bringing gum. i don't think i can/will eat anything served there. so i just won't.

bonus post: i had so much happiness

lately, i have been happy. i mean outright JOYFUL. that's not usual. usual is... barely not depressed. usual is plugging along. but recently things have been really great in my life, not particular things, though a vacation coming up is a thrill and omfg grad school is wonderful news, things-- no, I-- have just been good.

i am not good now.

dealing with my sister, on my own turf, rolling over and playing nice makes me violently angry. and hurt and lonely and... depressed. for REAL depressed, like i've spent so many years.

i still have there wherewithal to be apologetic about to (to my husband). i know that things like food and cutting aren't "coping" options, but shopping, smoking and drinking to excess still sound good. no, exercise does not seem helpful. i am fearful of where this will take me and how long it will last.

i need to not be in this space.

not gonna make it

when i leave for vacation in three weeks, i hope to weigh 150.0 of less. 145.0 is... no longer viable. so. yeah. 154.6. that's... ugly.

okay, so, regroup. for next week: 153.0. that's... ugh. that's higher than i've been lately, but i'm not willing to assume it will magically go away. whatever.

today is fruit-heavy with fresh, organic raspberries from my daddy's garden (about a pint of them... at least), an apple and a kiwifruit. i'm having a giant salad with "mexican cheese blend," light sour cream and salsa for lunch. dinner is going to be a fritatta with green peppers and onions. mmmmm. i'll do a full weight circuit and a walk with my husband. and drink a ton of water.

and tomorrow will be better.

sisterhood conquers all

lately, it seems like the theme of every movie i watch ends up being sisterhood conquers all. like, as long as you've got your sister, it'll be okay. with the occasional variation re: your mother.

i gotta get something off my chest:

i do not love my sister. i do not like her and i would not be missing anything if i never saw or heard from (or OF) her again. "sister" means... basically jack shit to me. i would probably give her a kidney, but only because my brothers all enjoy contact sports and my parents would resent me forever if i didn't. and they would have to promise to keep us in SEPARATE recovery rooms. seriously. and i'd like to be out before we get into the or.

as a result, i am in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaad place. i was forced, yesterday, to interact with the bitch. in my f'ing HOME, no less. so i did what anybody would do (the same as what i did at my baby brother's graduation party two weeks ago.) i got rip, roaring drunk and pretended she was any other girl i don't like and made EXTRA nice.

today, frankly, i feel terrible. not hung over, thanks to the four hours i spent lying awake between 1 and 5 wishing i could get cool enough to sleep and biding my time drinking water. depressed. anxious. miserable and angry that no one-- NO ONE-- seems to care that i don't want her in my life. today, i want to run far, far away and never come back.

debbie downer what?

my weight is also up. 154.2 is two pounds up from last week's low and 2.4 up from where i'd hoped to be tomorrow. i didn't walk over the weekend, or lift. i ate crap and had two of what passes for a binge in my life: once when my husband went out on saturday i ate ice cream out of the carton and several slices of toast with butter and last night after eating a delightful and satisfying linner (lunch/dinner), i made-- and practically INHALED-- a bacon & cheddar sandwich.

oh, and internet? i bought a pack of smokes. i've consumed 6 of them. and it took LOTS of willpower (with a side of exhaustion) to not smoke one this morning when my husband was in the shower.

look. i've been down this road before. and you know what? i'm NOT going to run away and never come back. and xyz event (weight loss, moving, grad school, a baby) is not going to make everything magically better. when i come out of this, as i most likely will, i will wish i'd soldiered on. so i am.

we have no leftover sandwiches (!!) from the party, but we have leftover veggies and hummus and various leftover ingredients (bacon, cheese, chopped onions, caramelized onions). so, i'm eating veggies and hummus and cheese for lunch a couple days. yum! and i'll walk tonight and lift and walk tomorrow. i think we're having omelets for dinner, or maybe a fritatta. i've got peppers and onions to get rid of and about 15 eggs.

maybe tomorrow my body will reward me for bouncing back. maybe not. i guess we'll see.

:/

i don't think my liver can stand another run-in with my sister.

japanese food

mister man and i are getting japanese food tonight. i. can't. wait.

have i told you i feel like the world's pickiest eater? i do. i'm weird about flavors and textures. i don't eat whole wide categories of foods: seafood, melon, baby things, things with their faces still attached. so, when we go for japanese, i get... hibachi veggie fried rice. healthy, right? and, no, before you ask, i don't even like the vegetable sushi. sushi skeeves me. so, fried rice and spring rolls for me.

there was a time when we ate out three or more times a week. in a two week cycle we'd have pizza twice, chinese food twice, japanese once (it's more expensive), thai once (i like it less) and maybe wawa sandwiches once or twice. now, it's a planned indulgence. it's celebratory, actually. wednesday was our five year--gag-- date-a-versary. my husband and i met on june 11, 2005 and by the 16th, we were inseparable. so, now, when i've set up my whole week to support a dinner out? god, i'm nervous. what if i bloat? what if my guesstimates are very badly wrong (i've used ck numbers for foods from large, chain pan-asian restaurants) and i'm going over by a zillion calories? what if... what if...

i had a little bounce back today to 152.6. it's weird... i thought... well, i thought i'd be thinner at this weight. that's all. i'm still holding on to hope for 151.8 by monday.

tomorrow will be fine. good, actually, since we'll be busy little bees getting ready for our big fathers' day lunch. but sunday? fraught. my fil, smil, gmil, parents, brothers, sister, her partner and her mother are coming. wtf? i'm so intensely stressed. my sister has not been to my apartment since 2006. her partner has NEVER been and seriously, the mother? i think i met once. i'm positively stunned that they're coming AND that my sister had the nerve to add a plus one. my apartment doesn't really seat 13. or, you know, 6. this is going to be super-stressful. PLUS i'll need to work out the nutrition for all of my homemade food. gah. i'm so overwhelmed.

151.8. totally doable, right??

hindsight

152.2 today, through no efforts of my own. okay, THAT'S not true, but really, i could have done better.

after work, we had to go to my grandmother's town to a) pick up our car from the mechanic A. GAIN. and b) return hers which she'd generously lent us-- and does everytime we have to leave ours at the shop. so, we hightail it there, get the car, spend two minutes talking to her and get home about two minutes before e picks me up for spinning. okay, more like ten. i managed to change and eat a piece of toast (on top of the pretzels and hershey kiss i grabbed at gma's) and run out.

last night was our last class for the summer and BOY did hm work us! for the third week in a row i didn't feel like i could keep up and sweat was dripping off my face. kinda gross. but awesome.

when i got home, my husband had to go out to band practice, and i was so hot (from class + it was 80*) that i just ate ice cream (light) with a dollop pf peanut butter on top. then an apple twizzler type-candy*. then some more pb. an ak mak cracker. a 100-cal pack* of shortbread. and finally went after some very old, store-bought "buttercream" frosting in my fridge. and THEN... i realized that what i really wanted was my whole wheat pasta and turkey meatballs. but it was 11 pm and i was long out of calories. so i went to bed.

anyway, my legs are KILLING me, so i'll be taking some advil all day so i can walk with my honey tonight. and tonight's weights will be upper body & ab focused. and today i will be on plan and tomorrow i will be... 152.0 or less?

and by the way, i'm still loving calorieking. they've got me on 1300 calories a day, but you can miss target by up to 150 calories in either direction. and they measure your macro-nutrients for you, which is awesome cause i need to watch my protein (or i lose my hair-- my PRECIOUS hair) and my fiber (and if you've been reading me for all of a week, you know why).


*candy & cookies left over from making and edible island for the topper of smil's luau birthday cake.

my wobbly bits

(152.6 today, for my reference. and yours, you know, if you give a crap.)

the 150s is where i said, way back in 2006/2007, that i would be happy. i'd still be overweight, but i'd be normal for me. and that's true. or, at least, it would be if my 26-year-old body was the same as my 16-year-old body. ummmm, but it's not.

my 16-year-old body was relatively smooth, proportionate and, frankly, still a little babyfat (ie: the boobs were bigger & higher but fairly shapeless-- more fat that BREAST). now? sigh. i'm pretty lumpy.

(btw, i have sent my camera off for repairs and it should be fixed in two weeks. i'm sorry that we'll be WAY OFF from -75 pounds by the time i give you a photo post again. we're already at about -83!)

so, here i am, in the LOW one-fifties, no less, and i'm not happy yet. so this is why i'm pushing for the last 15-20 pounds:

1. my upper arms are disproportionately fat. i would be cool with always covering my thighs and tummy if i could bare arms, as it were. but they basically look freakishly large. this is new to this version of my body.
2. inner thigh clearance. there is none. those suckers still straight-up RUB! what the hell?
3. that little over-the-naval pooch. i didn't have it until i weighed about 210 pounds, and it still hasn't gone away.
   
4. knee fat. we talked about it at christmas, and i've lost nearly 20 pounds since then. but it's still there, mocking my desire to wear high boots and high hemlines.
   

and that's it! i wanted to try for a reason #5, but i realized, hey, no need to SEEK OUT neurosis!

so, that's that. i'm happy with... my trunk. my butt. my loooong neck and longer torso. even my thighs up to the little inner-thigh fat pocket.

today is my last spinning class for the summer, unless i decide to spend a fortune to take classes a la carte at a fancy spin studio nearby. i'll miss it so much. BUT! the man of the house has VOLUNTEERED to take up running with me again after puerto rico!! i haven't wogged since my bad-idea visit to the track 3 days post-op. now it's been 10 weeks-- long enough to have finished the program!-- and i've not been back. in the mean time, walking & weights. and 151.8. 151.8. 151.8...

in which i bore you with the details

okaaaaaaaaay. have i learned nothing? tuesday drop left me at 152.8! a new freaking low! so, now i'm *kinda* hoping to catch 151.0 this week, but i'll take anything up to 151.6. wow.

last night we didn't walk, but i did 100 crunches -- good ones-- and 15 minutes on my mini stepper while himself lifted weights. tonight is MY weights night, and it's a crazy night again, but i have to do it. so, today's plan:

• breakfast- 2 slices turkey bacon, 1 slice complete protein toast, 1/4 tbs butter, 1 cup coffee
• am snack- 1 raw green pepper, 4 ounces raw green beans
• lunch- 1 serving turkey caesar pasta salad (450 cals, 8g protein, 8g fiber)
• pm snack- small banana, kiwifruit with skin
• dinner- pork chop, steamed broccoli
• errands- pick up car, return gma's car, pick up rxes
• workout- 1 hour weight workout, 30 minute walk
• evening treat- 1/2 cup light ice cream

so... that plan? is basically all week. the dinners change, the errands change and the workouts swap in spinning for weights, but that covers it. this is basically my lose-it-all plan for the next three months.

now. i... am going on two separate tropical vacations in the next three months. on, yes, mil's town is TROPICAL. especially between april and october. i'm going to need bathing suits. oh. yes. so, where do you think i can find a long-torso, bandeau tankini top WITH CUPS and a skirted bottom, no pleats, that i can try on in-store AND buy in separate sizes??

SQUEE x 2

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! hubs and i are going to puerto rico in a month! i'm having some buyer's remorse about spending the $$ but this is going to be the vacation of a lifetime (so far).

our honeymoon, our last long, alone vacation, kinda sucked. i'll be honest with you: before our honeymoon, he and i had never actually spent a full week together without work or other distractions. it was... rough. we argued a lot. i felt really fat and out of shape (because i WAS) we didn't quite fit in the 2-seater tub, and we couldn't agree on what to do, like, EVER.

this time? HOOOO BOY. i plan to be down 9oish pounds from my honeymoon weight (236) and i'm, i dunno, kinda fit? hubs is -40ish right now and will probably be at least -50 in a month. and is also getting pretty fit. we've pre-booked a rainforest hike. i could just die. we're planning to rent a car and take a day in san juan, spend a day walking around the area where we're staying, spend a day lazing on the beach and take our hike one day. we'll have a mini-fridge in the room, so we'll buy fruit and veggies there, and pack some clif/special k protein bars and a small jar of peanut butter. and we'll eat out one or two meals a day, because DUH.

and the other squee... it's not mine to share. i'll edit when it's been shared, officially.

THE EDIT: go ahead a send your best wishes to The Recovering Actor, aka, the future Mrs. Gzilla.

...........................

oh, yeah, my weight. 153.8 today! woohoo! now, in order to meet my PUERTO RICO goal, i need to lose 2.2 pounds per week. a lot. kind of. more than i'm interested in shooting for this late in the game. but i'll try. if i don't make it? eh... i'll still make 150, which is damn good.

so: 151.6. 151.6. 151.6...

quick saturday check-in, mostly for my information

i've done very well with food this weekend. very, very well. and my usual complaint (constipation) has cleared up. or, at least, been replaced by, er, the OPPOSITE complaint. not cool. i've taken 2 30-minute walks with my husband, but not hiked (nor will we this weekend, i think) or done my hour-long, not-fucking-around weight workout because... i really don't feel okay. really.

anyway, i weighed in at 154.6 today and we're about to book a vacation to puerto rico because, well, my husband totally, epically failed to get his passport. vacation will be in 4 weeks (exactly!) and that goal will remain 145.

le sigh, as the say on the interwebs

well, yesterday...sucked. i left my lunch (and veg snacks) at home AND was wearing super cute but not especially friendly shoes PLUS we're being strict budgeters lately, so i had this long, boring struggle with myself over what to get for lunch and settled on what i THOUGHT was a moderately healthy and moderately cheap lunch. it really was a short walk, so that at least worked out.

of course, it was cheapish, but only about a dollar or two less than i could have spent on an ACTUALLY healthy lunch. anyway, boring, boring, boring... chinese food. i guess i should have known that "sauteed" means dripping in brown sauce.

and so, i've gained.

i don't even know what to do right now. this bloat weight SHOULD be falling off, but it's not. today, i'm having a hard-core fiber day (for my usual problem) and grabbing a light frap for, uh, good measure. the weekend is going to be very, very much dedicated to fitness and... i don't know. i don't know what's going on.

not again!

156.4. that, after spinning last night.

i have to say, i feel like a giant hypocrite. in the past few weeks i've been all "you have to be consistent" and "you can't expect a continuous, steady loss" and cheerleader-bullshit to my husband. and the last couple days, i've wanted to crawl back in bed and cry when i got off the scale.

i zipped past these numbers last week. i want NEW numbers. i want to see the little changes, the LAST little changes, start.

i'm having my usual issue in the digestion department. is it fair to blame that? cause i am.

(frustration)

ah. mah. gah. 156.6? really?? why, body, why?

i ate right. i drank my waters. i walked. i lifted. i started cleaning up the mess i made last week (this doesn't aid my weight loss in any way but i feel like it should). the only think i can think of is... i've been low on fiber. really low. and, well, you know how that goes.

today's food is:

• a clif zbar (choco-chip) because i'm out of real breakfast food
• a kiwi
• an extra small banana
• a cup of tortellini salad
• 15 grape tomatoes
• 15 baby carrots
• grilled chicken
• snow peas
• 1/2 cup sliced peaches
  
• 1/2 cup edy's slow-churned is under consideration
• and the workout is... SPINNING

i intend to eat my kiwi skin, too, because even though i can't figure out how MUCH fiber it has to count in my daily totals, i know it has SOME.

i feel... crummy. i want to see my weight keep going down! i want to see the 140s this summer and the 130s by fall. i want... i want to be done.

huh

despite near-perfect efforts yesterday, complete with pushing water and walking, i gained. GAINED. so, there it is. i gained 1.4 pounds when i was supposed to lose 1.8 and now i have 5 pounds to lose in 1 week to stay on track.

i'm still choosing to believe it's not real because, hey, it probably isn't. so, maybe i WILL deflate as much as i want to.

nutrition, calories, water. weights, walk.

i need a weekend from my weekend

look, i'm going to weigh in tomorrow, because i assume that some of the fourish pounds i've gained since thursday (two by friday, a s-t-s and then two more yesterday) are going to go away.

for the record i did alright at party #1. i was running around ALL DAY so even though i ate a few chips, some crepes suzette and an extra glass of pineapple-banana punch and a few nibbles more of the cake than was strictly speaking planned for (how do you resist joining in when a five year old is going at the cake with a plastic fork at 9pm??), i feel fine about it. especially since i didn't have a jump on the scale.

yesterday, though? i think i drank a gallon of margaritas. and two beers. some tortellini salad. 3 or 4 soft pretzel sticks, faux cheese dip, 2 giant cookie, and a partridge in a pear tree. not good. not the plan. but? i managed to be SUPER nice to my sister, her partner AND my bitchy aunt. the booze helped with that.

today is back to normal (with the minor exception of... i don't think there are any fruits and veggies in my house or my lunch) complete with an extra-long walk. 153.8, please, universe.

so sleepy

last night, instead of going to the bar to see my husband's band play their first open mic since they got the singer singing lessons (oh, yes, really), i stayed home and baked 4 batches of cake (3 half-sheets and a pair of 8" rounds), then assembled the three tiers of the birthday cake i'm making (chocolate cake with vanilla filling, banana cake with chocolate filling, vanilla cake with banana filling) and crumb-coated them. and a made the purple & yellow glazes for my youngest brother's high school graduation party cookies.

i got home at 7:45 and baked/colored/flavored/prepared/frosted until 12:30. i am SO UNGODLY SLEEPY.

i'm also up to 155.8. ouch. maybe i shoulda kept my fingers out of the cake batter? and the chocolate frosting? and the decorator frosting? and... and... and...

153.8. two pounds. weekend from hell coming up. my plan? alas, it it to NOT DRINK.

tomorrow, i'll chug-a-lug water & seltzer until party time, and, in fact, for a few hours into the party. i'll have one cup of punch and a burger at the party. maybe some of the cake.

sunday... i'll be water-loading again, well into the party, where i'll nosh on roasted veggies and a little tortellini salad. and one of my mom's chocolate-almond refrigerator cookies. and a margarita.

as for tonight...

i need to leave work at 3 (summer hours!) go to BloodBath & Beyond for a couple of beverage dispensers, hit a grocery store for 9 liters of pineapple soda, a jar of tropical punch kool-aid, a couple cans of tropical fruit and... oh, gosh, shortbread cookies, rolos, green twizzlers, some ball-shaped brown candy... crap. and michaels for a bit more decorator frosting. holy shit. and then i have to work my ass off and finish these confections.

i've already consumed 20 ounces of coffee.

losing friends and alienating people

last night, just before we left for spinning, i gave e a pair of jeans (which i tried to wear yesterday and could barely keep up-- good, expensive jeans that have been worn maybe 20 times) and a pair of yoga capris (the uniform of e's life).

"no, becklette!" she said, a little more harshly and shrilly than i'm used to, "i do not want you to give me one more single piece of clothing that is too big for you! i don't want them!"

it's not an issue of me dumping my old clothes on her. i'm careful to only offer her clothes in good condition. and i don't mind if she doesn't like/want something. the issue is that my friend is jealous and angry that i've lost weight and she hasn't. (actually, she has, but not as much. to be fair, she hasn't be at it as long, either.)

later, in a fb convo with another friend, my skinniest skinny friend, one with whom i've always been able to discuss the minutia of my relationships with food, the scale and my mother, my friend said, "i hope you're not too skinny to be my friend anymore-- that would be sad." ummmm, wow. and ouch.

i know this happens. i know that the dirty looks from the other girls in one group will get worse until, eventually, they get over it. (they can't exclude me, it's a guy-run group.) i know my mother's and sister's jealousy will continue to be palpable. i don't want that, but... eh. i don't want to stay fat MORE.

i'll start grad school in the fall, and a new job in my field not too long after that. i'll make new friends. but i have a long history of inadvertently alienating people, and i can see it's happening now. i can't keep friends.

...

154.2 today. 2/5 of a pound to go for mondays goal of 153.8.

less

today i weight LESS than i did when i was at my lowest weight in college. less, probably, than i ever did in high school. i might have weighed this little in... 8th grade? or 7th? maybe younger.

goal for monday is 153.8, and i have only to lose ONE POUND to get there.

bloggies, i am less than 10 pounds away from my "healthy" weight range and my july 12th goal. i am less than 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal-- the weight that just seems so low i can't imagine ever actually weighing it. i'm going to be there in september.

i can't stress enough how much i believe that consistent exercise is the reason for this. i've been working out regularly for about 5 months now-- undoubtedly the longest stretch i've gone in... ever. i've been doing AT LEAST one really, really hard workout a week (up to 3 the weeks i was training with bk AND taking spinning) and probably 5 or 6 workouts total, even if they were mostly half hour walks around the neighborhood. and, yes, having my partner be my PARTNER in this is just, wow, it's huge.

this week, i've made a couple new rules for myself:

1. ice cream OR beer- we've been blessed with an abundance of good, free beer, and friends, we are beer people. we've also discovered the joy of edy's slow churned light ice cream (on sale or i never would have bought it). and as much as i could excuse having a serving of ice cream and a beer because they fit in my calories? i shouldn't. i should not be getting two or more treats every day. some days, sure. but every day? most? no.
   
2. weight training on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays- since bk has been working at two gyms, taking arborist certification classes and, now, getting a job as an arborist, he doesn't have time to train his big sister for a measly $10 an hour. fortunately, his big sister foresaw this happening eventually and bought herself some heavy weights. unfortunately, without the need to coordinate with him, she's let her weight training slip to once a week or less. so, i didn't do it yesterday because of time constraints, but going forward, i'll do my weights on tuesdays, saturdays and alternate thursdays (when i don't have dr. y).

i think that these are two rules that i can follow long term. like... forever. my other goals for this week are to get at least 30 minutes of cardio a day, hit my calorie and nutritional targets and be very mindful at the parties this weekend.

153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8. 153.8...

missed the mark

155.6. so close. i could have done it. i could have laid off the chocolate chips. or avoided the cake batter. made my new "ice cream OR beer" rule before... today.

155.6. and, ya know what? it's AWESOME. i'm really pleased. i thought for sure that my size 31p (that's 12p) jeans would not fit right out of the dryer today, but they did.

155.6 and i've lost *over* eighty pounds. 20.5 to go!

my husband broke 35 pounds yesterday. it's been 6.5 weeks? i think? "oh, that i were a man," (ten points to the person who gets this) "i would EAT HIS HEART IN THE MARKETPLACE!" i just wish i had a metabolism like that. damn. he looks great. lots of clothes fit again and he's full of energy. he works out every. day. no kidding. he's getting all muscled and stuff, too.

anyway, back to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

so, we've booked our trip in september to visit mil, sfil, sbil & hbil. and goal for that trip is, well, GOAL. conveniently, you know what stretches neatly between now and then (september 8)? the summer. we're going to florida the weekend after labor day. but before THAT, we're hoping desperately to take a little trip somewhere sunny and slow and flowing with booze and saltwater pools. that's scheduled for july 12th. well, not SCHEDULED in the strictest sense. it's planned, but it's going to be a very last-minute deal. we'll book it based on what we can afford a week before when i get a bonus.

sooooooooo...

yeah.

for the next six weeks (including this weekend's party double-header!) i need to lose 1.75 pounds a week to hit the top of my range (145) by the imaginary vacation. after that, including the vacation week, i'll need to lose 1.25 pounds a week to meet my final goal by labor day.

goal for next monday: 153.8.

wow. i'm gonna do it.

but surely

157.4 today.

stomach still screwy.

car needs a new clutch.

going to florida in september.

...

nsv: last night i threw out a lane bryant coupon because their clothes don't fit me anymore.

...

i'm not gonna lie, it took less than an hour after we booked our trip to visit the in-laws before i'd figured out how much weigh i need to lose per week until labor day in order to be 135# when we go there (september 8). that's end game. i need to pick up my exercise a bit, but i think it'll work.

...

last night on the way home from work, our car made a terrible noise. like a kid trying to slurp one more sip of chocolate milk through a straw. it made it on the highway and then it got worse as we idled at the exit. and then it went away, but we took it straight to the mechanic, anyway.

we left the mechanic around 6 (when they close), in a car we'd borrowed from my dad. halfway home i realized the i WOULD make it in time for spinning, barely. i texted e. she had a headache. i? went. anyway.

best workout. ever.

my stomach remains a terrible mess. and i'm premenstrual. and i swear to god, if i didn't have a long weekend to look forward to, i would just die.

157.8 today.

what a jerk

the my husband is down 4 of the 4.5 pounds he "gained" this weekend. i'm down... one of the four. balls. so very, very jealous of him. and proud. but mostly jealous.

my stomach is still, ah, sluggish and out of sorts, as my mother would say. and maybe i'm not being as careful as i should be with food. maybe because my tummy hurts. and i'm definitely not working out enough.

today is fresh and shiny and new, though. i've had turkey bacon and canned (lite) peaches. i'm working on my black coffee. i've got a wholesome lunch packed and dinner is ready to go. and then i spin.

:(

okay, i'm not weighing in today because... ugh. i'll tell you, it's 159.8. damn. but i'm not moving my ticker until monday.

my stomach is upset from all the weekends' indulgences. my whole BODY is upset if you want the truth. i basically feel like i got run over by a truck.

i could have danced, danced, danced...

that? was the best wedding EVER.

there was chocolate wedding cake, great music, antipasta kebobs, and homemade merlot. my husband danced with me. strangers told me they loved my style. i carried my five year old niece to bed in her flower girl dress.

i gained exactly four pounds in two days.

i'm losing them all + 1.2 this week.

get ready for 155. and some pictures as soon as my dad or my sister-in-law manages to email me some.

and there's that

156.4. i've officially lost 79.6 pounds. think i can manage to *lose* half a pound this weekend??

i could have done better... weight trained at all this week. gotten more than 3 cardio workouts in. not had a mini-binge/pity party last night. but i didn't. and even if i had, losing another 1.4 pounds would not have made david's bridal carry more boleros in store, or their pink clutch match my dress or... any number of things that would have helped me go into this event more confidently.

i am wearing a size 10 sheath dress and it looks pretty good. i will be able to walk and dance in my favorite shoes. i have gum to chew and seltzer to drink. this is gonna be a good party.

nope

156.4 means 155 tomorrow is not gonna happen. we're having pizza tonight so i can hit up david's bridal for a purse & arm-fat-hiding item. i know we could make a better quick bite choice, but my husband wants it. he's only having one piece and, well, shit. i ALWAYS only have on piece. but i might see if i can psych myself up for a grilled chicken sandwich instead.

kind of a bummer, but i'll have it in the bag by my june weigh-in. we're taking a health & fitness regrouping weekend over memorial day. we're not going anywhere, but we're taking ourselves out of society and focusing.

keeping up pace!

ah! it's 157.0 today! and i have SPINNING tonight (always good for a pound or so).

the blue dress? is OUT. i'm going to be wearing a size 10, ann taylor brown eyelet sheath/slip dress (with fuchsia underlay). and my fuchsia suede pumps. i bought this outfit when my girlfriend was pregnant with the kid she registered for kindergarten last week and have never worn it. the dress was a hit, though, when my skinny, ireland-living friend wore it during pageant festivities.

but now i need a purse, a sweater (for church) and a wrap (for dinner). bonus points for flats to be worn in between the church & dinner.

one down, three to go

157.8


(i just realized the title applies to days AND pounds. eeep. a pound a day? unlikely.)

the most generous thing to do

i try to think of what the most generous thing to do is when i'm confronted with, you know, actual human interaction. it's hard for me, but i want to be a kinder person.

today, the most generous thing to do is for ME. my official weigh-in day this week is friday. because... that number? today? it's not even close. so this week will be filled with walks, weights, lean proteins, water and produce. and i'll SPIN on wednesday.

and on friday, the scale will be singing a different tune.

(fyi: 158.8. boo.)

putting it out in the universe

look, i weigh myself every day. i do. because... well, it HELPS me. it WORKS FOR ME. and shouldn't we all use whatever tools we have?

i've been *very* consistent with food & exercise. i'm not going over my calorie limits or fat limits. i'm getting my protein and fiber in. we do at least 30 minutes a day of exercise. all the pants i tried on last night while desperately seeking memorial mass-appropriate clothes that fit were too big. my weight is dropping at a rate that, considering 3.5 years, and over 75 pounds lost, is pretty amazing.

this morning i weighed 156.6 pounds.

holymotherofgod. that is THISCLOSE to my -80. to my lowest weight since *before* high school. to another 10% off. and then to out of the 150s, a "healthy" bmi, the weight my doctor wants me at before i get knocked up (oh, about that, btw: 3 years of annual paps with hpv testing, negative margins = cancer free, so 3 years is when i can do the baby thing.), and my FREAKING GOAL.

i cannot fuck it up this weekend.

we have the memorial mass, then the luncheon, then general irish post-funeral drinking with the fam-- including my self-absorbed sibs in from out of town. sunday we have a (college) graduation party to go to. i really, really can't fuck this up. i need to focus on how good it will feel to see 155 next week and, wow, all the awesome that goes with it.

i'm going to focus on water & seltzer. i will drink a liter of each before drinking any alcohol. and i will limit my alcohol to one drink. and i will make the best possible choice in every situation. including forcing my husband to get up early and workout with me both days.

tuesday drop on wednesday

sigh.

why is it the i always reach a new low the day *after* weigh in?

i have about 10 days to meet my mini-goal of 155 (155!) and since i got a 157.0 on the scale today, it doesn't seem impossible. holy crap.

i've adjusted my rewards to show 145 as the top of my goal range. for several months now it's been 156, but, man, now that i'm thisclose to that? no. just... no. i have about 4 months to finish this and i can make it to 145 in that time. 3/4 of a pound a week.

photo let-down

hm. i promised a -75 pound photo to go with the -50 pound photo from AGES ago, didn't i? and now that i'm down 78 pounds, you all (okay, maybe just sarah) are like wtf, man? where's my photo update??

alas, it is not to be. at least, not right now. see, what had happened was... a few months ago? my camera took a shower. and it was not ideal, but we were able to take some pictures through a slightly darkened viewfinder. and then one day? totally dark. you could point that sucker at a lamp and still only get the vaguest hint of an image. so, we called the target people about our 3 year warrenty and they sent us a ups label and we pretended not to know that the camera had been bathed. but... i don't know how to use ups. so my camera & its fancy shipping label have been sitting on my desk for WEEKS.

i'm GUESSING that my dad will bring his camera to The Wedding, though, so i'll probably get a picture then? and i SWEAR TO GOD i'm sending the camera out. soon. promise.

made of win

wow. i'm beginning to think... i really *am* as thin as i was in 2003. holy shit. i dug out a few more tops from then this weekend, washed them (okay, my HUSBAND washed them) and am wearing one RIGHT. NOW. black with white horizontal stripes, boatneck, gap, medium. with the denim love of my life ann taylor loft curvy slim leg jeans. ooooh do i wish i'd bought more than one pair. but, of course, i want to be in tens soon. (!!) these jeans are made of win.

you know what's NOT made of win??

my weekend.

oh, it wasn't all *that* bad. okay, i could probably have done without the half a pitcher of margaritas. or the cheese fondue. or the chips & guac. and then there's saturday... and sunday. honestly? i don't even remember what all i ate that i probably shouldn't have. but i can't uneat it now, right?

today is back to normal. eat right. walk with my husband. drink water. lift some weights. rinse & repeat.

very close

the next several weekends are booked SOLID.

tonight we have belated cinco de mayo with friends. tomorrow we're going for a hike/picnic and i have to call ssil to plan smil's birthday party. sunday, of course, is mothers' day and i don't think we have plans since all FIVE mother-ladies (mom, mil, smil, grandmother & gmil) will receive their presents today. so, that's nice.

next weekend we have a memorial mass for my dad's cousin, followed by lunch and, in the grand irish tradition, getting blitzed with my uncles (my dad's cousin-- brother of the deceased-- and his partner). and/or maybe a rehearsal dinner for ssil... which i feel like we would know about by now, right? then sunday we have a graduation party for a friend of a friend, and i have to bake for it.

the following weekend is, of course, THE WEDDING. ssil's wedding should be fun and i hope the fact that i'll weigh some EIGHTY POUNDS less than i did at my wedding will make it even better and help me let go of some anxiety. hubs will likely be down something like 30 pounds by then, which should really make him more comfortable, too. (he's at -23.5 now. at the three-week mark.)

the weekend after that is... blissfully free? can that be right? with a holiday, too. hot damn!

and the weekend after THAT is a real doozie. june 4th is smil's 50th birthday. and my uncles are coming in to town. and my mil and her family are coming in to town. june 5th is bk's 21st birthday and smil's party, which i'm helping organize. and another friend's 30th birthday party but, seriously, we can't make it! june 6th is my youngest brother's graduation party, which is really for my parents who have had at least one child in high school, continuously, for the past 15 years-- can you imagine?

weekends are so hard. events, parties, stuff like that? really, really hard. especially when they're coming one after another after another. and then i think... i should just let loose and get back on track monday.

but i really can't do that. i'm well on track to make my goal for The Wedding (2.5 pounds to go and 2 weeks!), but weekending could really screw me. not to mention hubs who had one mild cheat day on saturday and *just* got back to where he was saturday morning yesterday!

my mantra for these weekends is going to be: you are so close! because, i AM. i'm almost -80! and right on its tail is my lowest adult weight! then i'm approaching "healthy!" and after that all that's left is GOAL. i'm so very, very close. i can't screw it up now!

rewards

so... it's been a while since i actually got myself one of the prizes i planned, like, three years ago. well, i got the massage but that was for fuck-all-i-deserve-it. lately i'm finding that my reward is being stronger. feeling better. not recognizing my own reflection. seeing the number on my scale slowly go down. hot damn.

i worked out for 1 3/4 hours yesterday. i woke up wondering WHY ON EARTH my legs hurt so much. then i moved my shoulders and remembered. the hubs & i are going for our saturday (1 hour) walk tonight. he's down 21 pounds.

who am i?

AY EM IN THE MORNING

e & i went to our hold-over spinning class this morning (5:45!) and rocked the shit out of it. sweat LITERALLY dripped off my face onto my legs more than once. it was hard. we worked hard. we kicked ass. i think hm was pretty shocked to see us there.

i? am WIRED. didn't shut up from 7 am when i woke up my husband until i arrived at work.

am totally going to become a spinning instructor. you. just. watch.


exciting update: i just realized i scheduled bk today, too. which means... another 90 minutes of exercise. omfg.

so far this year

i can't believe i've lost 10 pounds this year. isn't that funny? after 3.5 years (almost) and 77 pounds, i'm absolutely in awe of my 10 pounds in 4 months.

in any case...

the weight i want to lose by The Wedding lingers. last week's easy-peasy 4 pounds in 3.5 weeks is now a kinda tough 3.5 pounds in 2.5 weeks. doable. i just have to, ahem, DO IT.

the weight i want to lose by july and the theoretical vacation we'll take then? oh, wow. 145 is like... it might at well be 115. i've never been that thin. i don't know what i'll look like. i don't know how i'll feel. i might not ever get there.

and 135... well. second verse.

i feel decidedly back in the saddle now. i'm walking regularly and tomorrow i'm got to a spin class at 5:45 AM IN THE MORNING (redundant, i know, it was for effect). i need to work on my strength training, though. and my wogging. eating is... i think... under control.

in other news:

• tonight my mom and i are seeing a famous author/activist on a book tour. i could pretty much die i'm so excited.
• husband and i are on a VERY STRICT budget to get ourselves in financial shape before i start grad school, lose some income and incur a shitton more student loans.
• my husband just got in to grad school for fall 2011. SQUEE. and YIKES.
• my husband is down 17 pounds in under three weeks and royally pissed it's not more.

the end.

uncool

so, you know how i spent much of last week bleeding from my surgery? lucky me, guess what time of the month it is... by my post-op appointment on the 11th, i will be wishing i'd bought stock in always.

just the way i am

today, i am happy with my body.

i'm up .4 pounds from yesterday, but i don't care. my knees are still too fat to wear my riding boots, but that's okay. i'm still "overweight" by a good 15 pounds, but that's fine by me.

tonight we're going right from work to an alumni weekend event at hub's alma mater. it's a mural tour of the city, followed by a tour of a local brewery and a reception at a local concert venue. i wanted to look nice so... i reached into my closet and grabbed a pretty mauve-ish top and a charcoal gray sweater. and put them on. and knew i looked nice.

have i mentioned that i'm wearing jeans i bought in 2003? when i was at my lowest weight? because i am. in 2003 i wanted to lose 20 more pounds (to hit 135). now, i'd be pretty thrilled to lose 19 more (to hit 140). but i'm CONTENT. this is a good size for me. i look good, i feel good, i rocked the shit out of my spinning class last night. this is good.

yes, of course, the backwings, the cottage cheesey thighs, the goddamn knee fat. but ya know? i'm probably going to wear mostly jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops anyway. i'm fine.


...............


yesterday, independent of one another, two of my friends told me they were proud of me for how far i'd come. two people understand that it's a fight, every day, and not just a case of not drinking soda and parking farther away from the mall.

i'm grateful to both of them, for seeing it.

and i'm proud of me, too.

jumped the weigh-in gun

okay, okay. TODAY is weigh-in day. and TODAY i'm at 159.0. still, no complaints from me. i'm wearing a medium tank, a medium top and gap size 12a jeans from... 2003. a little out of style, a little unflattering, a little reminder of when my life was on a wild upswing (i had be cast as understudy to a fantastic role, my play was being produced, i had lots of loving friends and had lost 30 pounds... and then the shit hit the fan).

so. this is great. i look, well, thin. i feel great. i could stay here, if not for the batwings and thigh lumps, and, hi, a little definition in the calf areas would be swell. if i never intended to wear anything other than jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops, i'd stay here for realsies.

but i'm still pushing. here's what for:

• i really want to lose 4 pounds before may 22. totally doable.
• i definitely need to finally finish c25k by july.
• i'd love to drop another 10 pounds by then and hit the beach feeling really good.
• i need to bring the weight-loss part of my life to a close by september, and i want to be between 135-140 pounds-- another 5-10 pound loss after july's goal.

tonight i have w2, wo2 scheduled. and a half hour walk with my husband. tomorrow i spin and add a 1/2 hour of weights. thursday we're going to an alumni weekend even at BNGS (where my husband did his undergrad): beer. friday i have high hopes that w2, wo3 will keep me from stuffing my face at a jewelry demo. saturday, a morning walk and weight workout should keep my from eating myself to death at a first communion party. SELTZER. srsly.

teamwork

i have to be honest. i don't know how this happened, but i'm 158.6 today.

okay, i have an inkling. we spent the whole weekend together, save about 4 hours when he was at band practice. i felt... weird. rude, almost, eating in front of him. so i only ate when i was really, quite sincerely hungry. HOW F'ING NOVEL! and i ate (mostly) what FELT FOODISH. there was, more than once, ezekiel bread with natural peanut butter and a banana. there were a couple of eggs, some turkey bacon, even a potato shredded and fried, and, yes, a handful of chocolate chips.

but i've been eating low according to calorieking. the lazy weekend days found me coming in at 1000-1200 calories. i dunno, man. i wasn't hungry. i wasn't dizzy or sleepy or headachey. i think... it's okay. especially on days when i lay around.

my husband's loss is hovering around 18 pounds. he's displeased. i can't say i blame him, but he seems to think he could "lose a pound a day just by taking a walk" and skip the calorie restriction. i have to disagree... but i try not to be the know-it-all. i don't think he quite gets how HUGE it is to be losing that much-- we're talking about 10 days here-- he only sees where he wants to be (220) and not how he's going to get there (a pound a day is a solid start, no?).

good morning campers!

so. okay. where the fuck are we??

let's start with me, and then you can feel free to chime in. but you probably won't. 24 followers and many hits a day, but nobody says a damn thing. anyway. me.

• tmi, but, oh, so true. i am bleeding slightly worse than a normal period. but... i don't have my period yet. as far as i know. i'm in a lot of pain, too. this sucks monkey balls.
• tmi some more: i'm constipated because, um, moving, you know, THEM, puts painful pressure on the general region that's bleeding. yes, even if i take something to help.
• that's the last tmi.
  
• i haven't heard the all-clear from my doctor yet. today is a week. this means... it's still remotely possible that i have cancer.
  
• my husband is on a (medically aided) (as in, with medicine) diet and has lost 14 pounds in 6 days. FOURTEEN. can everybody spell jealous? at this rate, which, i expect, will slow down, but STILL, if it doesn't, he will reach his goal weight in about 35 days. motherfucker.
  
• him being on a diet means WE'RE not snacking at night, except for the 1/3 of a cup of ice cream we each have. you read that right: less than a serving. LESS.
• which is awesome for me because i might actually be down to 160 by next weigh in.
• oh, yeah, totally not gonna be 140 for The Wedding, new goal: 155.
• that's 1.25 pounds a week.
  
• doable. even if i can't workout as hard.
  
• also means no way am i going to be 135 in july when i *hope* we'll be going on a fabulous, all-inclusive caribbean vacation. new goal: 145.
• that's 1.5ish pounds a week.
• doable, if i work out.
• new timeline for 135 (or end, in any event): mid-september when we go to mil's for a last pre-grad school hurrah.
• that's about another 1.25 pounds per week.
• OKAY. and. i did my fafsa. (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay)
• that's about it.

what's new with you?


(ps-- of course i'm all kinds of anxious for no good reason today. that's always why i do bullet posts.)

um, oops.

so, at my husband's insistence yesterday i called my gyn to see when i could exercise again.

a week.

oh... so... not three days?

didja notice my loss??

of course not. because it was .2 pounds. uncool.

w2, wo1... only three (four?) weeks later

i dragged my ass out to the track last night to do week 2, workout 1 of couch to 5k. i don't think i've ever gotten to week 2 before. so, ya know, yay. it was fine. it was easy enough (except all that math) and i got through it. maybe it wasn't the BEST plan given the surgery i had five days ago, but the bleeding had to start sometime, right? RIGHT??

(i'm kidding, of course. the bleeding WAS expected to start any moment. the cramping... well, that i would have preferred to be done with, but it's all inside the expected parameters.)

so. i guess i mentioned here that i'd been smoking? a lotish? i stopped. on friday. i also stopped letting diet soda be a regular part of my life. and i stopped using the "clinical strength" deodorant i'd been using. see a pattern?

dude. i've had two cancer scares in six months. i'm only 26. i'm trying to stop tearing down my body and treat it with a little love.

LEEP

well... that was easy.

here's how it went down. i freaked the fuck out, like, BAD, for about 24 hours. arrived at the surgicenter at 7:45am, freaking the fuck out BAD BAD. got asked about allergies. none. i got taken back, asked about allergies some more. still none. gave a urine sample. that was tough, given i'd already peed and not been able to drink anything, but i managed. told the anestesiologist would be in shortly and to put on the paper gown. he shows up, asks me about allergies. none. i... start crying. my husband gives me tissues, my doctor arrives and wipes my tears. i am not joking. she is that awesome. the anesthesiologist does my iv (my phlebotomist friend says that's why i have a bruise. fuckin, doctors, man. think they can do anything.) and then my doctor says, "here comes the good stuff."

ten seconds later i feel fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. i'm told i repeatedly asked what the street name of that shit was. i don't think that's true. i only remember asking twice.

i got wheeled into the or. i thought, hm, this should be making me freak the motherfuck out. weird. i climb onto the table and scooch until my butt is over the hole...

and then the nurses were talking about shin splints, so i opened my eyes and said, "for shin splints you have to lay a bathtowel on the bathroom floor in front of you, stand on the end and scrunch the towel under your feet with your toes. do it every day for a couple weeks until they feel better then do it a couple times a week. it's about you calves, not your shins."

and they said, "oh, becklette has a cure for shin splints. here, honey, we're just going to put your panties on to hold the pad in place."

then they moved me to a chair, gave me diet coke and peanut butter crackers and brought in my husband.

fin.

still a little wigged out by the time-loss/alien abduction aspect of it all, but, wow. that was easy.

this time tomorrow

this time tomorrow, i'll be unconscious on a table, naked save a paper gown, with strangers wrangling my feet into stirrups so my doctor can use and electrified wire to cut out a chunk of my cervix.

oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

fuck.

heidi montag used to be pretty

the lipo, i get. who doesn't want to be thinner in specific areas while maintaining what (little) curvaceousness she has? but the boobs? how does she sleep? and the face. oh, man, she was PRETTY. not beautiful or striking or exotic or ugly but oddly appealing, she was honest-to-god PRETTY.

my mother asked me yesterday if i was done losing weight. "you weigh what you weighed in high school, right? why would anyone want anything better than that??"

i wasn't thin in high school like you were, mom. besides, my upper body is smaller but my lower body is stubbornly the same size (i think! i'll tell you after my size 31-- nee 12-- jeans arrive from loft tomorrow). i wear an actual medium top now. like, for real for real. i'm getting rid of larges. my husband brought me this dress back from florida in a medium. it could be snugger in the bust.

a medium.

i'm wearing an ann taylor top i bought, oh, maybe two years ago? for less than $10. i had it in two colors in large and loved it, so when it went way on sale i bought the mediums. in three colors. last week, i swear, the large fit. today, though, i'm wearing a medium and it's just right. weird.

i wonder if i'm going to need smalls ever. i'm hoping to get down to 150ish but The Wedding and 140ish by mid-july. shit. i think another 20 pounds might mean another size. never thought of it. balls.

and on the third day i had an omelet

leek soup didn't go quite as planned. of course.

i made & ate it friday night after not eating much in preparation for a deep-tissue massage (not something i want to do on a full stomach). i ate/drank it saturday up until dinner with my uncle. hoagies. and chips. and a piece of shortbread. and two truffles. oops. sunday i had coffee in the morning before going to feed my friends' cats. my plan was to feed the kitties, drink my coffee while watching s4, e5-8 of dexter on demand at their house (with their permission, of course), go home & leek soup, clean, leek soup again and then head back to feed/dexter again. instead? i sat on my butt for seven solid episodes. with a cat on my lap. drinking diet coke.

oh well. i got a lot of my cleaning done when i got home. i ate a broccoli omelet for dinner: 2 eggs, 2 whites, 1 cup chopped broccoli, butter. it was delicious and SORT OF like the fast-breaking meal of lean protein & veg prescribed in the plan. the thing is? i have a ton of leeks & "broth" (leek water) left. i hope my husband likes vichyssoise.

verdict? well... i dunno. i didn't DO IT do it, so i don't want to judge, but it was pretty easy. and, honestly, i *did* drop a couple pounds but leeks are a diuretic, so who knows.

how many pounds? ah, well. it depends on who you ask. according to my home scale, i weigh 161.4 today which is fucking awesome.

according to the scale at the hospital where i just had my pre-admission testing? 158.9. which? oh. em. eff. gee. the one fifties.

of course, reason dictates that i use my home-scale weight for official documentation, but DAMN. 158.9. in jeans, shoes and a sweater. damn.

damn.

trending

i think it's clear to see from the list over there (>>>>>>) that my weight continues to trend downward. not necessarily at the pace i'd prefer, but what are you going to do, right? especially when you're eating leftover green bean casserole 2 meals a day.

my leep is scheduled for next thursday. this morning i dropped my husband off at the airport to visit his family. tonight i have a shopping trip planned. tomorrow: work and a massage! i'm leek souping this weekend, but my uncles will be in town so... it might be more like 3 days but only half-assed. and i'm cat-sitting.

there will be a 5-week spinning class after this one ends (in. two. weeks.) and we're definitely going to take it. LOVE spinning. i'm looking forward to moving into the city so i can take spinning at BNGS's gym five days a week. JUST KIDDING. maybe 2 or 3. can't drop the ball on weight lifting, ya know, or running. oh, wait... where is that running ball?

anyway. still alive. still pretty freaked, though the leep ain't no thing... according to my grandmother who had it almost 50 years ago (before it was LEEP when it was still called a "coning") and my mom who claims that "everyone who's anyone has had that." sometimes i feel like my mom maybe could have provided me with a little more information about lady-business growing up. which is why MY hypothetical daughters will know these things:

1. two methods is better than one
2. he might be carrying something you don't know about (see: mono & hpv)
3. kick, scream, scratch, bite, WHATEVER, if you don't want something to happen to you-- be DONE to you-- fight like hell
4. preventative care is important (2 cancer scares and 4 fillings later i have the message)

::end soapboxing::

also, end blogging. it's too goddamn early.


oh, ps-- i hadn't seen my husband's grandfather since christmas and HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. score.

the leap to LEEP (or: precancerous. some more.)

whoa. WHOA. holy fucknutballs. there are not words bad enough for how i feel. i'm scared out of my ever-lovin' mind, for one.

my cervix is precancerous-- "moderate dysplasia"-- and i have to have surgical treatment. either LEEP or conization, i guess? i was... distracted, to say the least, when she told me. but i go in next tuesday to discuss.

you guys. fuck. i've never had surgery before.

thus far, i haven't talked to my family about this stuff. my husband, of course, and three friends, but i need my family. i need you all. i need all the support i can get. so, let's start with you.

friends, bloggers, interwebs, leave me a comment. tell me one or more of the following things:

1. what is general anesthesia like? i can only imagine that movie where the guy was conscious but paralyzed and jessica alba was trying to kill him. that movie sucked monkey balls.
   
2. do you think i'm going to have to have a catheter? i'm mortally afraid of catheters. do they insert/remove them when you're out?
3. how can i phrase this news to my family to make it clear that any questions that are not helpful (do you have hpv?* where did you get it from, you skanky ho?** don't you realize you brought this on yourself?***) will cause me to cut you out of my life without being a total bitch?
4. since my last pre-cancerous event has been dubbed "clark" (because it was a clark's nevus), what shall we name my abnormal lady business? lois? lewis? merrell? gimme something good!
   

and, listen, if you know some nice interweb people... i will accept their kind words, positive thoughts and inappropriately humorous comments. i feel creepy just saying that, but i really need support!




*yes. just found out! that sucker's SNEAKY.
**good question. probably from all the skanky ho'ing i did in college.****
***fuck off.

****or from one of the long-term monogamous relationships i was in.

163.8

a number so nice it titles its own post!

no, that's not the number that nearly made me pee my pants yesterday, but if i hadn't seen that number, i'd be totally thrilled to see this one, right?

so... i have to make 5 cakes. this week. normally, that would be fine. normally, i'd be able to do them in a day. lately? not so much...

last night i had bk and i walked home, then made dinner, ate dinner, had a phone date with my skinniest friend and watched chuck. tonight i have a chiropractor appointment-- eeep! i'm hoping this guy can take away the lower back pain that is getting WORSE the stronger i get. i've never been to a chiro before, and if he touches my neck, i'ma have to cutabitch. srsly. tomorrow i have spinning PLUS and extra half hour of weights! thursday we have date night/therapy. friday, thank god, i have off. but at least two of the cakes have to be done BEFORE then!

i go out-- to WORK OUT-- almost every night now. it's odd. we used to eat dinner at 5:30, and now it's closer to 8. and i don't feel *starving* and *weak* between 3pm and dinner like i used to! i eat a protein bar or small snack and it gets me through.

well... this weekend. this weekend is easter. good news for the lentals, no? it's tough. it's a four-day weekend for me (off friday because... catholicism is pervasive here and it's a tiny company that can get away with that; off monday to get my first FOUR fillings, hooray) which generally means a lot of lethargy. so, planning ahead!

since a lot of friday & saturday will be spent cooking (and some sunday), i predict some GIANT cups of coke zero from the wa. and gum. that gum thing? like the tv trainers are always awkwardly endorsing? TOTES works. thanks tra, for thinking of it! at the big family events, i'm finding that the longer i hold off on eating and (wine) drinking, the better. so that's what i'll do. bring my seltzer water and wait. and wait. until i just can't wait anymore. monday, i think, shouldn't be a problem. i'll have boo boo teeth. maybe i'll make some creamy potato/cauliflower soup? that sounds pretty nice.

okay, and then, NEXT weekend? is a little crazy. my dearest darling is headed south to visit his family on thursday morning. lucky bugger, huh? thursday, i'll go shopping (!!) with the recovering actor (!!!) and i'm shooting to be -75 by then so she can take me a progress pic (pretty please?) with her kickass new camera since my is... indisposed. with being broken. friday, i suddenly have plans with my skinniest friend and a bottle of champagne! so exciting. i was planning on getting a massage and eating a nice meal out with my book, but this sounds good, too. and then, ooh-la-la, and then.

saturday & sunday i'm doing the french women don't get fat "leek soup kick-off weekend." silly? yes. detoxifying? only for my head. effective? possibly. mainly, i'm thinking of it as a diy spa weekend. i'll do little skin & hair treatments. maybe wax my legs. main/pedi with my new favorite nail polish. basically, chill out, relax and consume some three pounds of leeks. followed by a lean protein & fresh produce meal. monday will be back to business as usual... until i have to pick up my sweetie at the airport. that's never fun.